Public record of our relationship

I’m curious why you think that? The quality relationships part. He’s private in the sense that it’s not attached to my legal name on one social media site.

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Originally Posted by leomama I’m curious why you think that? The quality relationships part. He’s private in the sense that it’s not attached to my legal name on one social media site. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Seriously, anything put out on social media is not private, legal name used or not. Splitting hairs trying to justify it being private doesn't make it right. REAL RELATIONSHIPS communicate before doing anything like that to ask if it is ok in the first place

At the time he posted that, last August , we weren’t communicating . I was dating someone else at the time and he knew it somehow. It was on an account he made to friend my friends , none of his friends were on there . I don’t think social media means anything to him, I think he’s said as much.

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Whether social media means anything or not to him, doing what he did showed a total lack of regard for you & your daughter. That lack of regard is definitely a sign of how his mind functions (or lack of function). You probably will never know WHY he really did it.

After living 33 years with my now ex, I never could figure out how his messed up thinking ever worked & I want to put energy into a real relationship, not wasting my time trying to figure out how someone's brain is working & causing an imbalance in my own life. When I sence a level of conflict like that now, I block people like that out of my personal life.

Well I had blocked him at the time . I thought he had bpd, it turned out he had autism.
I had one therapist that said don’t block, just don’t react.
I think you and I see things fundamentally different and we’ve also had very divergent experience.
I only was married for 5 years. I asked my ex husband to leave before we reached the 6 year mark.
I never lived with my ex fiancé, I never even visited his house. The whole time we were in a relationship he was living in another state and then when I found out he hadn’t filed for divorce after being engaged for 3 years I broke it off. When he finally moved out here 2 years later I had enough and I made him take all his belongings out of my apartment. That devastated him. I had asked him over and over again to show me his divorce papers and he refused so I didn’t see them until yet another year later and that was by “accident”. It literally took him over 6 years to allow me to see divorce papers and by that time he was willfully homeless. I had found him a place to live in my county but he left it citing a mental breakdown when I wouldn’t resume the relationship until I saw the papers .

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I think you and I see things fundamentally different

you got that right. First off, my moral values would never ever get involved with a married man. Second, I would NEVER tolerate the crap you did.

I actually had a cross country BF as a senior in high school. We had met on the train traveling across the country several years before. Then we got together again our senior year of high school. He talked about getting married when we graduated. Instead, I got a letter saying he was getting married to a girl he went to school with. THEN a few months later telling me what a mistake he made getting married to her & would I take him back. Easiest letter I ever wrote considering I had really liked him more than anyone else & had thought he might be "mr right".....but the letter he got was "tough $#!+, you made your choice now live with it. Don't ever contact me again". I spent a lot of time after his "dear john" letter realizing that I NEVER wanted to define myself by a guy in my life. I wanted my identity based on who I was & what I did with my own life & not a marriage or a man. College, degree & a career became my goal in life & stayed that way even when I got married. Now I am divorced, I have no desire to have any man in my life to mess with the balance & peace I have finally achieved....so yes, we definitely see things very differently because you seem desperate to have a man in your life to keep things messed up.

Okay, I might be off my rocker or something, but it sounds like you blame yourself or try to find how you did something wrong (with your marriage) and now you do it with your ex fiance, AND since he baits you with that (telling you that you need to change) you believe him and go into this kind of doubting spiral.

I’d say that soulmate would be in tune with your needs and feelings and when asked to remove public records of your relationship, would most certainly do so to make sure your needs and feelings are respected. Nothing in this man’s behavior neither then nor now indicates him being a soulmate. He also seems to be playing with your heart and messing with your head. It’s a bit of mental and emotional abuse that he engages in.

A mutual friend told me we brought out the worst in each other . Another mutual friend told me that’s what people in relationships do. So I’m owning the worst in me. I actually heard the words “dismissive” and “ridicule” from the boyfriend this week. I heard those same words from the ex fiancé. I don’t know how to take my space when the relationship goes wrong. I have a therapy appointment in 2 weeks where I can address this. Honestly I’m not looking for a specific outcome with the ex fiancé other then peace. I told him all I wanted was to be able to be friends at this point without fussing and fighting. I was able to make amends with the ex husband . I’d like to achieve the same with the ex fiancé . If I’m able to achieve that goal, then I’ll see if there’s a next step.

I hear what you’re saying and I’ll repeat that we brought out the worst in each other. I’m seeing that happen again with the boyfriend, which indicates to me that I need to work on myself . I tend to be attracted to men with control issues which both the boyfriend and the ex fiancé have/had. The boyfriend is even more frustrating then the ex fiancé because the boyfriend is passive while at least the ex fiancé was direct. I’ve been told by all three of the men in my life : ex husband, ex fiancé, boyfriend that I’m verbally abusive, either directly or indirectly . This of course comes after much time of me pleading with them to change their toxic behavior that is detrimental to me . I should really start another thread to sort out my issues as this one is getting messy .

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Control issues hm. Are you more like a free spirit type?

Control issues, that’s others observations. I’m creative, an artist, if that’s what you mean.

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Yeah, so maybe avoid men who tend to be control freaks? Maybe that's the issue with the pattern.

Lol if I find out they are

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Oh then maybe it would help investigating this more closely, as far as it's a pattern for you, so you can recognise these types of people more quickly. To me it sounds like it could help, especially if other people notice this issue faster than you.

I didn’t say other people notice the issue faster. Right now we’re talking about the boyfriend not the fiancé so I should start a separate thread, no? People who knew the boyfriend before I did told me the boyfriend had control issues. So if I start a separate thread for the control issues of the boyfriend, will you respond there?

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Oh I thought you were trying to say that but I read that wrong then. As for the new thread, sure,I can try and comment in there. Hopefully others will contribute too.

I don’t follow ?

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Ok I’m not sure what to say in the new thread and when I come up with it I’ll write it

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Originally Posted by leomama I don’t follow ? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My reply was to another thread but my phone somehow brought this up. Disregard, it in not relative to this thread