Anxiety in Relationship

xRavenx · Jun 07, 2021 at 07:00 PM

I just started dating someone, and we decided we are not going to date others and focus on developing the relationship. It has been a long time since I met someone who I really like (I know it's new, but so far so good).

I struggle with some social anxiety and have some negative beliefs about myself, such as, "I am not very interesting" and want to continue to give as good of an impression as he seems to have so far since he does seem to really like me based on his actions. However, I don't want that to change and for him to get bored of me.

I obsess and over analyze things too, which I want to work on,

Sometimes before I talk to him on the phone, I worry about saying the wrong thing, although it usually goes fine. Does anyone have tips on how to navigate a new relationship when anxiety is a big problem? I'm naturally a very anxious person and a worrier, and I know that probably won't change. But I don't want it to hinder my relationship and could benefit from some tips or support.

divine1966 · Jun 07, 2021 at 08:14 PM

I think when you meet right person, it’s ok to share that you are anxious and it’s ok to be yourself. If the relationship is right and the person is a good match, it’s ok to be vulnerable and you don’t need to be perfect. Unless you anticipate to do something extraordinarily bizarre, you can’t really scare the right person by being yourself. Ultimately you can only be yourself. Eventually true nature comes out anyways so no point to be anything less than yourself from the get go. For all you know he might be anxious too!

xRavenx · Jun 07, 2021 at 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think when you meet right person, it’s ok to share that you are anxious and it’s ok to be yourself. If the relationship is right and the person is a good match, it’s ok to be vulnerable and you don’t need to be perfect. Unless you anticipate to do something extraordinarily bizarre, you can’t really scare the right person by being yourself. Ultimately you can only be yourself. Eventually true nature comes out anyways so no point to be anything less than yourself from the get go. For all you know he might be anxious too!

That's a good point. I did not think about how maybe he is anxious about making a good impression as well. I spoke with him on the phone a few minutes ago, and our conversation lasted about an hour and flowed freely. So I think so far the communication is going well, and I did drop a hint that I get anxiety. I do not want to scare him off with my history of emotional problems though, so I try to just share a little bit and keep things upbeat.

blubbbrabbel · Jun 11, 2021 at 05:48 PM

@divine1966 put it very nice!
I think it is ok to feel anxiuos when you start to care about someone and you make yourself vulnerable. Not comfortable perhaps. But understandable and relatable. That is the scary part of it.
Just as long as you can stay true to yourself. Don't move away from yourself because you think it brings you closer to someone else.
I wish you all the best!

leomama · Jun 11, 2021 at 09:39 PM

Are you sure you want to be exclusive without getting to know him? I made the mistake of asking someone to be my boyfriend before I really knew him and ended up getting trapped in a relationship I didn’t want to be in. Don’t make that mistake .

xRavenx · Jun 13, 2021 at 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

Are you sure you want to be exclusive without getting to know him? I made the mistake of asking someone to be my boyfriend before I really knew him and ended up getting trapped in a relationship I didn’t want to be in. Don’t make that mistake .

He was the one to bring up being exclusive, and it feels right. I keep thinking about a future with him and all the things that we can do together. I don't like dating different people at once. I like to focus on building a relationship with one person. But I do acknowledge it is early, and it's not super common to commit that early. Today I feel especially vulnerable, even though he makes an effort each day to make me feel special, even when we do not see each other.

I'm afraid of getting hurt again, and it's been a while since someone made me feel as special as he makes me feel. I would like to think I've done a lot of work to heal from the past, because I am much better than I was before. But there's always that little voice telling me I am not good enough or that the person is going to leave..

MickeyCheeky · Jun 13, 2021 at 12:14 PM

i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about sharing a bit of your anxiety if that would make you feel a little bit Better! Hopefully he will be able to Support you through this!

From what you wrote it does seem like things are going smoothly so i think the best way to avoid things to get worse is to simply be yourself and keep doing what you're already doing at least in my opinion. Hopefully things will continue to go Well. New relationships can be scary but i think you can handle this. Stay Safe. Sending Love. Please do keep us updated if you can and want to. Do try to practice some more self-esteem if possible. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @xRavenx, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

RoxanneToto · Jun 13, 2021 at 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xRavenx

He was the one to bring up being exclusive, and it feels right. I keep thinking about a future with him and all the things that we can do together. I don't like dating different people at once. I like to focus on building a relationship with one person.

I was similar when I was still dating - I preferred one person at a time (the only benefit - if one is really looking for a long term commitment, at least - I can see of dating multiple people is it’s helpful to work out what you really want faster than if you see one person at a time).
It is ok at this stage to be exclusive, even if you’re still using the time you’re together to get to know each other better, rather than making big plans for the future.

leomama · Jun 13, 2021 at 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I was similar when I was still dating - I preferred one person at a time (the only benefit - if one is really looking for a long term commitment, at least - I can see of dating multiple people is it’s helpful to work out what you really want faster than if you see one person at a time).
It is ok at this stage to be exclusive, even if you’re still using the time you’re together to get to know each other better, rather than making big plans for the future.

That’s what I did with my last boyfriend and now that I’ve gotten to know him I realized he wasn’t right for me. The problem with being exclusive is ending it .

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xRavenx · Jun 15, 2021 at 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

That’s what I did with my last boyfriend and now that I’ve gotten to know him I realized he wasn’t right for me. The problem with being exclusive is ending it .

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You do raise a good point. As time goes on, I am realizing that he talks way too much about academic topics in great depth, such as philosophy. To an extent it is interesting, but he reads all of the time these complex books in this area and wants to have discussions on these concepts. It is fine and interesting here and there, but it seems a little excessive. Sometimes this makes me feel a little insecure, because I only have so much to add to the conversation. I talked to my mom about it, and she said she thinks this can get annoying very fast and that most people would feel that way. Maybe she has a point.

leomama · Jun 15, 2021 at 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xRavenx

You do raise a good point. As time goes on, I am realizing that he talks way too much about academic topics in great depth, such as philosophy. To an extent it is interesting, but he reads all of the time these complex books in this area and wants to have discussions on these concepts. It is fine and interesting here and there, but it seems a little excessive. Sometimes this makes me feel a little insecure, because I only have so much to add to the conversation. I talked to my mom about it, and she said she thinks this can get annoying very fast and that most people would feel that way. Maybe she has a point.

You talked to your mom about that? I’m guessing you’re young. That’s one of the reasons I broke it off with my boyfriend. I didn’t really understand his relationship with his mom. Like I asked him to be my boyfriend before I understood the depth of it. He too switched to a philosophy major in college and never finished it.

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xRavenx · Jun 15, 2021 at 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

You talked to your mom about that? I’m guessing you’re young. That’s one of the reasons I broke it off with my boyfriend. I didn’t really understand his relationship with his mom. Like I asked him to be my boyfriend before I understood the depth of it. He too switched to a philosophy major in college and never finished it.

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I'm in my 30's, but my mom is like a friend in a way,, so I share these types of things with her sometimes.

leomama · Jun 15, 2021 at 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I'm in my 30's, but my mom is like a friend in a way,, so I share these types of things with her sometimes.

Ah, do you live with her too?

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xRavenx · Jun 15, 2021 at 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

Ah, do you live with her too?

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No. We live an hour away from each other and talk on the phone a lot..

leomama · Jun 15, 2021 at 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xRavenx

No. We live an hour away from each other and talk on the phone a lot..

Ah so you’re close. You’re a girl?

divine1966 · Jun 16, 2021 at 05:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I'm in my 30's, but my mom is like a friend in a way,, so I share these types of things with her sometimes.

Nothing wrong with that. I was close with my mom until she passed away few years back. Sometimes I forget and want to share about situations and then I remember that I can’t. My husbands mom died too young and so my sons in law mom and they often bring up how they’d like to share something with their moms but can’t anymore. So I hope you keep being close with your mom. Don’t ever stop

My daughter shares with me and she is in her 30s like you

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leomama Grand Magnate Member Since Feb 2014 Location: USA Posts: 4,703 10 172 hugs given	Jun 11, 2021 at 09:39 PM #5 Are you sure you want to be exclusive without getting to know him? I made the mistake of asking someone to be my boyfriend before I really knew him and ended up getting trapped in a relationship I didn’t want to be in. Don’t make that mistake .
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