My (M47) girlfriend (F29) says she has trouble with sex because of fear of commitment

OP here!

Wow. First of all thank every single one of you for replying so extensively and taking this seriously! So much insights I got from reading all your viewpoints.

My conclusion? I should lower my expectations about this girl/relationship by a LOT.

I realise I misjudged her 'mental' age. I am what you would call a 'young' 47 year old. I'm not committed to anyone, don't have an ex wife and adult kids or anything, I have spend my life traveling the world and lived in different continents and have been a freelancer all my life. I've seen many things in my life and surround myself with people from all ages and backgrounds.

I have friends who are in their early thirties that I completely level with. I figured that her being 29 = almost 30 = almost early thirties. She has a daytime job, is not a student anymore and comes across very mature at first glance. But I see now that she is mentally/emotionally more a 25 year old instead of a 35 year old.

She's a good person though. She has some issues and yes she is still figuring herself out. She comes from a troubled childhood. She had two 'longer' relationships in her life, the most recent one with a narcissist. Probably ended up with a narc because of her negative self image. From what I learned is that he basically destroyed her self esteem, always judging her for her appearance, never doing enough, never being enough. He made her insecure about everything.

The reason she got attracted to me (she came after me, not the other way around, to be clear) is that guys her own age didn't really understand what she was going through. We started off having this great chemistry intellectually and from that came the kissing and hugging and feeling safe and secure.

At the same time I think she never had the mental space to heal from her childhood and following unhealthy relationships. Perhaps escaping in party/dating-lifestyle gave her a boost in her self esteem. But that eventually keeps the wound open.

I think it's a combination of fear of commitment and fear of abandonment at the same time and this confuses her so much she can't fully dive into our 'relationship'. At the same time she perhaps needs some validation from (other) men to feel good about herself, and maybe as a safety net just in case I might dump her unexpectedly.

I'm gonna take a huge step back and lower my expectations. I got carried away too, love makes your head spin sometimes. But I have to be a lot more realistic.

I will see how this goes, just be there for her and if she wants to continue playing boyfriend/girlfriend for a while that's ok. But I know now this will not work long term.

Like some of you said, no point in confronting about the instagram post. It will only give her another reason to think she's doing it 'wrong' and likely deny or downplay it, even if it IS something fishy.

I'm gonna be literally the older and wiser person and smile from a distance and hope I can make a positive impact on her life.

Everybody, thanks again for all your input. It helped me greatly to come to some conclusions.

If anyone wants to elaborate further, feel free to respond.

Thanks.

Hey. Glad if this thread helped you. I do think that based on the info you've given here it makes the most sense to not take this relationship too seriously, regardless of what the reasons are for her behaviour and regardless of what her intents may be. It is nice of you to want to be there for her at the same time and to be a positive influence to her, even though doing all that from a distance with a smile. It's a very constructive approach. And if you aren't overly involved emotionally and stay realistic that will help with avoiding getting burned, too, regardless of why she has these behaviours, i.e. whether your theories about her behaviours are correct or not. I'm not trying to say that your theories are wrong, I don't know her, but it's obviously just theories and assumptions. And I personally think that a few months isn't enough anyway to judge whether someone's truly a good person or not. She may be a good person yes, I don't know her, but it's an assumption at this point, in my opinion. And other thoughts are also just assumptions at this point in time. So if I have any advice it's just that if I were you I would keep an open mind, notice all new information and not stick to a specific theory or assumption about her. You can use it as a working hypothesis but be relaxed about it, don't try to stick to it too strongly, if that makes sense. Good luck!

Hi JasonPerreira0, I admire your emotional intelligence, understanding and kindness. Best to you!