Feeling numb. How did you know when to end a relationship?

How did you know when to end a relationship? Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you really could not say, whether you wanted to be with someone anymore?

My boyfrind (29) and me (31) have been together for 4 years. Things were very rough and from this side of therapy I would not enter a relationship like this again. Because of how he reacted to my sexual past and the fact that I used to smoke.
One could argue we've moved on. He learned in therapy not bring this up with me or to blame me. It has been a cold topic for about 2 years. But I feel I am still recovering. Only some monthes ago, I, finally, dared to confess about contact attempts by past boyfriends. We had a horrible fight, but I feel better after confessing. Because there were so many things I never dared. Friendships I ended... Parts of my past I just closed away. All a I was so afraid of the next fight. Because he would go all quiet and sad and stop talking to me, when he saw cigarettes in a supermarket... back then I made myself feel responsible for this kind of behaviour.

Now, I slowly start to recognize what I want. Often I just didn't know. Now, I can even say it, when I know. But it still comes out at the wrong time... or the wrong way...
I did not plan on ending the relationship today.

It is much better between us. But I know there are still parts where I am doing too much. Trying to take responsibility for his life, in order to help, to reduce his stress, so support him in his ambitions and dreams.

I work for him as a freelancer for 1 year+ now. And I like my job. I just don't like when we fight because of it. And I feel, I landed myself in a situation where I just gave too much. Due to Covid contracts were cancelled. When we did not know, whether we could continue with the main work I offered to take social support along side with him. Mostly we do his own projects from funds. But those are hard to raise. There is a lot of uncertainty. And high pressure. Because if we dont succeed, he has to pay it all back.

My mother, who has been suffering from cancer, got worse. She might not have another christmas. And I just feel it is all too much.

To him his work is his passion and how he wants to live. And he wants to share this with me. But I feel so tired. It feels like work comes always first for him. I just want to move together and start a family. Or I used to. I am not sure I want it with him anymore...

Today I told him, I dont want to work for him in the longterm and that I want to quit in about 5 monthes. I get that he is diappointed... I did not plan on this, but I think we are about to break up. Because I just cant say: "I really want this", anymore. Or: "This how I want to live"... I could not even say that I love him today...

I know I care for him. But I just feel so numb. I really dont know whether I care one way or the other. Then I feel bad about it.
And I have this voice in my head that keeps saying:
"You might be throwing away a good relationship!"
And then I think: "Maybe it is for the better..."
I feel so lost. Maybe I am mixing everything up?
Then I hear his mother's voice in my mind, blaming me for leaving him alone with all the work...
Why is it so hard for me to say what I want?

Have you every felt numb about something like this?

Not numb but made the mistake of getting involved with someone i work with although in your case it sounds like you moved in the opposite direction ie working for someone you’re involved with. I considered that in my last relationship but it fell apart before anything could come of it.
4 years is a long time to be in state of limbo.

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Yes, we had been together for 2 years when I started working for him. I have a degree that is not requested, had been in search for work and I was glad to have this chance.

You are right, 4 years is a long time for a state of limbo. It seems there were allways periods, when it was good and calm and then when would get in a huge fight. As we progressed and got better, the calm periods stretched out longer and longer. I guess, we both have our doubts, which is why we have not moved together yet. We have been so close to break up too many times.

You say, that you fell apart?

Yeah I had to wait out his divorce only to deal with his homelessness and I couldn’t take it. Trying to fix it now but it doesn’t look good at this point.

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So, you dont know either when to call it over?

I don't know why it has to be so much drama every time.
There is an organisation that helps dying people to have a last wish. My mother gets her wish today. Because we are driving about half an hour and there is work to be done close, he wanted to work afterwards. I did not plan to resisgn or end the relationship yesterday. I just wanted to ask, whether we could do the work on Sunday instead. And he just did not understand why. That I wanted to concentrate on this. His rrply was: "You can go back with you parents, I can do it alone." He has to spend so much on fuel as it is. And he assumed I wanted to put my mind of things afterwards.
He kept argueing, that his work is his passion. That this is his life. But on Sunday he wants a day off. Well, ok. But I just feel work comes allways first.
I guess he was disappointed because half a year ago I had put a weekend trip on our work calendar. So that we would not work all summer like last year. It just slipped my mind amd, seriously, a last wish just seemed more important. He did not bring it up. He just assumed I had cancelled it. Because I put in this obligation.
I dont know, I just thought my bf of 4 years would want to be with me in this situation.

Yeah for me it’s been almost 9 years, off and on. This time I got in another relationship and that one was so depressing towards the end it made me reach out to my ex whom I never fully got over and who’s been ignoring me again today. He says he had knee surgery is on pain meds and sleeps a lot and I think he’s full of it. I think he’s with someone else and lying to me about it. Your guy sounds selfish too.

Say what? He gets upset and wouldn’t talk to you when he sees cigarettes in a store? And you don’t even smoke now? You used to. He sounds like he needs some serious help. The kind of help you can’t provide

You asked when is the time to leave... sometimes it’s hard to tell. But in this case time to leave is probably right how

So Sorry for your mother and that you're both going through this! Please do not give up your Hope! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that it does seem like he may need Help as well. Perhaps some individual therapy for you both may prove to be Beneficial. Since you seem to have many doubts about it i think at least a break, temporary or not may be useful to both? i can understand how hard that may be but since you've been feeling this way for four years based on what you wrote it seems like you may need some time by yourself to reflect on what you truly want. This is just my opinion of course and i can't know what you truly wish/need better than you do at least. Perhaps take that into consideration at least. i'd suggest couple counseling again as Well although it does seem based on what you wrote that you have already tried that one. Please do keep us updated if you can and want to. Stay Safe. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @blubbbrabbel, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I couldn't follow the part about the weekend trip and the last wish, were these two separate issues? I also couldn't follow how his work interfered or how his wish to rest on Sundays interfered.


How I interpreted it but I don't really understand is: your partner was willing to go with you to see your parent but wanted to do work after getting home in the evening? And you wanted to rest in the evening and wanted to do the work on Sunday instead? Was the weekend trip going to be on this Sunday?

Where you say "I just thought my bf of 4 years would want to be with me in this situation" that is an assumption, I think. You created a theory about why he said the words he did and why he does the behaviour he did. It doesn't mean the theory is right, it doesn't mean your bf didn't care to be there for you. You need to ask him if he wanted to be with you, and you need to ask him if he was at all aware of what you'd like him to do. He cannot mindread. No one can mindread in an accurate, precise, infallible way. We all can just create theories when trying to read minds and it won't necessarily be the truth.

I also think it's a common misunderstanding that because the partner values some things highly (e.g. work) then they can't value other things too (i.e. being there for you). This misunderstanding is really common.

To me it sounds like your partner could learn some more empathy, and he seems kinda rigid in some things, but he does seem to care about you because he was willing to learn new things in therapy to change his behaviour and to not blame you. That's a big thing, many people do not care to go out of their way to learn like that. It would be great if he did learn more, too, we all always need to learn more. Him too, you too, everyone.


Another thing I thought of. Where you speak of the issue that got resolved in therapy like this, because your partner learned to change behaviour and not blame you, and it was 2 years ago, and now the issue is not an issue in the present, but you feel you haven't recovered from it. I would suggest that you do not blame your partner for not being over it. It seems like a break of your trust and seems like you need to process things for yourself there. You need to always remember that feelings are not the sole truth of the situation. So if you feel there are unresolved feelings, you have to fully process them. Then the end result could be that you can trust him again about the issue, or that it truly - objectively - is an actual basis for mistrust and then you have to end the relationship. Then you can go and find a better quality relationship. But you can't just decide based on feelings, you have to process those feelings and be objective too when deciding. Both empathy and objectivity are needed. I think that answers your original question too.

It can be incrediby hard too, to decide about whether a relationship needs to be ended. I've had problems with it myself in the past. So I understand. I hope you'll sort it out. I wish you luck to that.

Anyway just my opinion and thoughts/interpretations.

Oh I didn’t realize it’s the same boyfriend that you told his mom he needs to lose some weight or something. I think this relationship is doomed as neither one of you prioritize each other. You are young, both of you. Life is too short to live this way

Im sorry for not replying at all. My mother died soon after I wrote here.
My boyfriend was there with my father and me when she passed away. And he was a huge support to both of us. I feel very gratefull for everything he did for my family. And we got very close again.

As it is... life goes on... and trouble is back...
The very same day that my mother died, she gave us a note abouthow she wanted the newspaper anouncement of her death. This is something common in my country.
She asked for it to be signed only by my dad and me. And we just went along, trying to respect her last wish, trying to cope with the loss, the shock, trying to cope with all the real life decisions of organizing a funeral.
My boyfriend is disappointed and angry, that I did non include him in the newspaper anouncement. All I can say is that I am sorry. But I am going through this for the first time...
I was about to move in with him. Now he is sleeping on his couch. Do relationships have to be this way? I am exhausted with how unforgiving he is...
I get that this the whole situation is horrible for him too... but why cant I be overwhelmed at times? Why is it not ok to make mistakes and appologize?

I am so sorry about your mother. It’s tough. Sending you hugs

Your boyfriend makes zero sense. Boyfriends are not normally included in death announcements. You don’t even live together so can’t really claim to have domestic partnership. He has no business to be in a newspaper announcement and you have nothing to apologize for. He is unreasonable and no relationships should not be that hard

Thank you for your thoughts @Alive99 !

You are probably right. There are things I am not ready to forgive. This is mostly because I am usually ready to forgive, as soon as I see that someone did not intent any harm or feels uncomfortable with how something went. He is the opposite. Usually, he will keep asking me to explain things I already appologized for. And this is very exhausting. I dislike unforvines... I dislike that I am allways explaining and appologizing for ages and he gets of so easy... and I guess, because he insists to be right about something that seens wrong to me, I just dont know how or why to forgive...
And yeah, this is probably holding us back. I will try to not bring it up again...

I guess, I decide a lot by feelings...

About the trip...well it was a last wish. And I am so thankfull she got it. All I did ask was that he and me would do the work the next day. And that I would feel stressed if we had a work appointment afterwards. I think this is nothing unreasonable to ask.
After we went he agreed that it was better to concentrate only on family for this one day... and he appologized.

Well and maybe it is a misunderstanding that some can not value two things at the same time. But when he calls an 80th birthday of my grandfather "a lost day for work", I am hurting...
I would never talk about any family meeting in this way.

“She asked for it to be signed only by my dad and me.”

“My boyfriend is disappointed and angry, that I did non include him in the newspaper anouncement.”

^This is shocking to me as to how he made this about himself. The nerve of him to be so presumptuous and even get mad! No, relationships are not supposed to be this hard!

Maybe you are right... I used to think we just keep putting the other first at the wrong time and get upset about it when it doesnt turn out right...
Last Sunday was the aniversary of his grandpa's death. He wanted to be there for me. So he declined an invitation to meet his parents and grandma to visit the grave. Later indirectly blamed me... well, yeah, I could have suggested to meet them by myself. But why does it have to be this complicated? Why cant he just ask me? I would have gladly joined them.

Dont get me wrong. I understand that this is upsetting and that he feels uncomfortable with this. And I appologized. I am sorry that I was unable to think of any other solution only a few days after her death... But blaming me this way for trying to respect a wish, however unreasonable, feels unfair somehow. So I told him. I said he was being egoistic about this.

He told me that I have been egoistic for a whole week after her death... I dont know. I felt so close those first days...

You had nothing to apologize for. You respected your mother’s wishes. He is your bf and does not belong being mentioned. He is totally out of line.

It looks like he has a habit of blaming you for many things, putting you on the defensive, and making you apologize. These are signs of abuse.

It feels like he is blaming me a lot. At times I am just unsure. Maybe I am expecting him to act this way and it is not this black and white? Maybe my issues are part of this, too?

I think, he was hurt, because we helped my grandparents to make an anouncement. Because they wanted to sign an anouncement about their daugther's death. And they included their son, my cousin and her boyfriend. And to my bf it is as though we "forgot" him. Or that I failed to stand up for him.

I just feel stupid. I was about to move in. Now that he is sleeping on the sofa, I just want to go home, or anywhere where one is allowed to morne and be off track only one week after your mother died...
I think, I will ask him, to tell me, when he feels ready to have me back... I dont want to be the reason he has to sleep on the couch.
I just feel this numbness again. As tough it did not really matter either way.

I see how he may have misunderstood about the other boyfriend. Maybe he was a long time, loved part of the family and important to the grandparents. Your bf is newer, you don’t live together, he’s not like a long time bf or husband.

You should do what you feel like doing and allow yourself to grieve. It feels to me like your mother, in asking that only you and your father be mentioned, knew your bf was not good…perhaps she helped you here.

Omg. After my mother’s unexpected death I was a mess for a long time. This boyfriend of yours is not a good person. I am sorry he is a jerk. You’ve been egotistical a WEEK after your mother’s death???? What did he expect?

Why are you in his house while he sleeps on a couch? Are you homeless? If not, go home. Let him sleep wherever he wants

Why are you apologizing for things HE does wrong??? I am livid on your behalf. This dude got to go. Bye.