[leomama]

Hello everyone
I said I’d create this post a few days and here it is.
Ive shared about the ex fiancé who i found out I was still in love with when I discovered I wasn’t in love with the boyfriend .
Now about the boyfriend.
I’ve been trying to break it off with him. He’s sober, I’m not. I gave up 17 years of sobriety from marijuana for him. That was my choice, I’m not holding him accountable.
He doesn’t believe in therapy, doesn’t believe in medication. He has a diagnosis of depression and he drinks, smokes and uses marijuana products. He’s not independent, he lives with his mom.
We live in a very expensive area so that part is understandable , however I’ve been independent since I was 18 so it can be done.
His whole plan was to get to know each other for a year before even talking about marriage and that year is up. Also, that’s not how we do things in my faith and he’s not a faith based person . Trying to have direct conversations with him often ends up in an argument .
For me the one year is up, we’ve gotten to know each other, I’ve not found him suitable for marriage. I even went as far as to take him to my priest for pre marital counseling and he saw that as bringing a third party into the relationship .
I’ve tried to end it several times and he won’t let me go.
We work together so it’s not so easy as never seeming him again.
I broke a lot of my own rules with him , and I also learned some new ones, like don’t date someone you work with.

[divine1966]

Good job figuring it out in one year, not 5 or 20!

It’s not easy to break up. But he can’t stop you from doing so. He doesn’t have such power. Sure working together is a cumbersome arrangement but still he can’t keep you from breaking up. You don’t live together so don’t go there and don’t allow him to come over. Don’t meet him anywhere. Don’t call and don’t talk on the phone. Is it easy? No, break ups never are. But if one person wants to end it, they can regardless how the other person feels about it.

I am confused on you saying he is sober. You said he drinks and smokes pot. That’s not sober. What do you mean

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Good job figuring it out in one year, not 5 or 20!

It’s not easy to break up. But he can’t stop you from doing so. He doesn’t have such power. Sure working together is a cumbersome arrangement but still he can’t keep you from breaking up. You don’t live together so don’t go there and don’t allow him to come over. Don’t meet him anywhere. Don’t call and don’t talk on the phone. Is it easy? No, break ups never are. But if one person wants to end it, they can regardless how the other person feels about it.

I am confused on you saying he is sober. You said he drinks and smokes pot. That’s not sober. What do you mean

I don’t think I said he’s sober. I think I said I gave up my sobriety for him and I’m taking it back.

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[divine1966]

[QUOTE He’s sober, I’m not. .[/QUOTE]

It doesn’t matter but that’s from your post on this thread, I just wondered in what ways he is considered to be sober. Maybe I read your post wrong.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by leomama

He doesn’t believe in therapy, doesn’t believe in medication. He has a diagnosis of depression and he drinks, smokes and uses marijuana products. He’s not independent, he lives with his mom.
We live in a very expensive area so that part is understandable , however I’ve been independent since I was 18 so it can be done.

He does not sound like material for a quality relationship. You mention rules, I made this rule recently about how I do not get emotionally involved with anyone (whether friendship or romantic) who doesn't believe that psychology has any point because it means they are not going to keep doing personal growth to keep up in life rather than get stuck on a level.

The rule itself was "do not get emotionally involved with anyone who doesn't do either of 1) have a job or any serious purpose/engagement with something 2) go to therapy or do serious psychoeducation working on themselves". But just having a job and not doing any personal growth isn't enough, of course, this rule is simply the absolute minimum, to quickly decide to avoid people who would truly be a waste of my time for a relationship.

The idea would apply in your case too because this guy has depression but doesn't do anything about it. And he lives with his mother. Not a mature adult, I'm afraid.... Don't expect a quality relationship, again.

Hope this helped some.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

[QUOTE He’s sober, I’m not. .

It doesn’t matter but that’s from your post on this thread, I just wondered in what ways he is considered to be sober. Maybe I read your post wrong.[/QUOTE]

I think you might have read it wrong. He’s the opposite of sober. He’s cut down like harm reduced in his estimation but as of today when he last texted me he’s had 2 beers, and the beers he drinks are double or triple percentage .

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by Alive99

He does not sound like material for a quality relationship. You mention rules, I made this rule recently about how I do not get emotionally involved with anyone (whether friendship or romantic) who doesn't believe that psychology has any point because it means they are not going to keep doing personal growth to keep up in life rather than get stuck on a level.

The rule itself was "do not get emotionally involved with anyone who doesn't do either of 1) have a job or any serious purpose/engagement with something 2) go to therapy or do serious psychoeducation working on themselves". But just having a job and not doing any personal growth isn't enough, of course, this rule is simply the absolute minimum, to quickly decide to avoid people who would truly be a waste of my time for a relationship.

The idea would apply in your case too because this guy has depression but doesn't do anything about it. And he lives with his mother. Not a mature adult, I'm afraid.... Don't expect a quality relationship, again.

Hope this helped some.

Yes it helped thank you

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[TishaBuv]

Are you having trouble breaking up with him?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Are you having trouble breaking up with him?

Yes I am he won’t let go of me . I’m hoping that by going on a walk with him tomorrow and talking to him about how we are not suitable for marriage helps. He keeps telling me he loves me, he hopes we can work through our differences , however we have serious differences .
He drinks, smokes and uses marijuana . I gave up my sobriety for him and I think it triggered a manic episode . I’m back on my sobriety clock.
He’s an atheist I’m a believer .
He lives with his mom , I’ve been independent since I was 18.
And more

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[downandlonely]

It sounds like you've told him it's over, but he won't listen. It might be better to cut off contact outside of when you have to see each other at work.

[TishaBuv]

You’ll have to use a lot of finesse to be able to break it off and still be able to work with him. Do you think he’ll take it gracefully and be able to not act horribly toward you at work?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You’ll have to use a lot of finesse to be able to break it off and still be able to work with him. Do you think he’ll take it gracefully and be able to not act horribly toward you at work?

If he’s as good a person as
Others say he is then it should be ok .

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[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by leomama

If he’s as good a person as
Others say he is then it should be ok .

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Good luck with your talk tomorrow. I hope it goes how you hope it goes.

[Rive.]

You broke up with him but he won’t let you go?! How can he force you to have a relationship with you?? You need to set your boundaries clearly. In other words, interacting as workmates (yes, it will be uncomfortable) when you have to, but that's it.

IF he pushes it, then don't engage. A simple 'no' and withdraw. If he wants more, than that is *his* problem. YOU need to be very clear that 'no' means 'no'. Otherwise, he will keep trying to push it.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Rive.

You broke up with him but he won’t let you go?! How can he force you to have a relationship with you?? You need to set your boundaries clearly. In other words, interacting as workmates (yes, it will be uncomfortable) when you have to, but that's it.

IF he pushes it, then don't engage. A simple 'no' and withdraw. If he wants more, than that is *his* problem. YOU need to be very clear that 'no' means 'no'. Otherwise, he will keep trying to push it.

I’m trying to negotiate.

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[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry this is happening! Please Do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about beoing direct and clear with him. Hopefully he will understand and he won't make any trouble at work or anywhere else. Just try to take a firm and strong position. You have every Right to break up with him if you're not feeling comfortable and if he's not respecting your Faith. Please do keep us updated if you can and want to. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @leomama, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Nammu]

What are you negotiating? It’s simple. Be civil at work and no other contact. Anything else is just playing games.

[divine1966]

You cannot negotiate break up. You could be civil and considerate leaving the person but there is nothing to negotiate. The only time you’d need negotiation if you have children and custody concerns, shared property, legal entanglements, mutual finances etc those need to be negotiated. In other cases there is nothing to negotiate. The other person doesn’t need to give consent to you leaving. Remain polite by informing the person that you need to end a relationship. He can’t make you keep dating him. Break up isn’t something you can negotiate. It would just prolong the break up and will be a waste of time if you want to end it.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

So Sorry this is happening! Please Do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about beoing direct and clear with him. Hopefully he will understand and he won't make any trouble at work or anywhere else. Just try to take a firm and strong position. You have every Right to break up with him if you're not feeling comfortable and if he's not respecting your Faith. Please do keep us updated if you can and want to. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @leomama, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

He doesn’t disrespect my faith he just doesn’t share it. It’s the sobriety thing that’s the issue.

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You cannot negotiate break up. You could be civil and considerate leaving the person but there is nothing to negotiate. The only time you’d need negotiation if you have children and custody concerns, shared property, legal entanglements, mutual finances etc those need to be negotiated. In other cases there is nothing to negotiate. The other person doesn’t need to give consent to you leaving. Remain polite by informing the person that you need to end a relationship. He can’t make you keep dating him. Break up isn’t something you can negotiate. It would just prolong the break up and will be a waste of time if you want to end it.

There’s pressure from his mom, whom he leaves with, she gave him a duffel bag for overnight visits, a together 4 ever sign for her backyard where he hangs out, she thinks we’re partners.

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by leomama

There’s pressure from his mom, whom he leaves with, she gave him a duffel bag for overnight visits, a together 4 ever sign for her backyard where he hangs out, she thinks we’re partners.

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He is a grown man. And you are not related to his mother so pressure she puts on him has no bearing on your life. It’s for him and her to sort out on their own

His mother cannot force you to keep seeing him.

She can think you are partners all she wants, what does it matter. Her giving him a duffel bag or putting up signs in the yard don’t hold power over you and your life decisions.

[Nammu]

That’s sad but not relevant. Break up already and get over it. Any contact outside of work is a no.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He is a grown man. And you are not related to his mother so pressure she puts on him has no bearing on your life. It’s for him and her to sort out on their own

His mother cannot force you to keep seeing him.

She can think you are partners all she wants, what does it matter. Her giving him a duffel bag or putting up signs in the yard don’t hold power over you and your life decisions.

Actually I was talking about pressure she put on me which is why I stopped going over there and part of why I don’t want to date him anymore. He wasn’t protecting me from her, he was forcing me to interact with her. Something I didn’t mention is he would make me say hello to her as soon as I got there regardless of how I was feeling. I told him his driving was making me sick and I needed to go for a walk after we got there instead of greet her and he would tell me how her feelings were hurt. So it wasn’t just the drinking and smoking and other differences.

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[divine1966]

I personally think greeting someone as soon as you arrive to their house is a reasonable expectation. I don’t think that saying “hello” to the host is unusual request. Do you find it unreasonable?

Having said that, I don’t blame you not wanting to go there. I wouldn’t either. One thing if it was his house and mom lived there due to advanced age. Entirely different thing if if it’s her house. I’d rather stay in my own place or go on dates in neutral places

If she puts a pressure on you, it’s unpleasant. But if you don’t go there, it should not effect you at this point. Not a reason to not break up. If you want to end, just end it. No point in dragging it

[leomama]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I personally think greeting someone as soon as you arrive to their house is a reasonable expectation. I don’t think that saying “hello” to the host is unusual request. Do you find it unreasonable?

Having said that, I don’t blame you not wanting to go there. I wouldn’t either. One thing if it was his house and mom lived there due to advanced age. Entirely different thing if if it’s her house. I’d rather stay in my own place or go on dates in neutral places

If she puts a pressure on you, it’s unpleasant. But if you don’t go there, it should not effect you at this point. Not a reason to not break up. If you want to end, just end it. No point in dragging it

She’s 72 and plays tennis not advanced age . And it’s not necessary to go upstairs to get downstairs , one could even go through the garage. If he was a tenant he wouldn’t be going upstairs into her den to say hello much less make his girlfriend greet his mother every time he pulls up regardless of how car sick his driving makes her feel .

Yeah his mom asked him why we weren’t exchanging sleep overs anymore .
That’s not dating but that’s how he conducted his relationships.
And then when it comes to dating he’s sober and I’m not.
Thank you for clarifying .
Like we’re not living together .

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