How to let a good one go?

I suggest you journal for yourself and describe what is ‘that something about him’. Have you had other relationships with (semi) unavailable men?

I have. When you start really looking at it with open eyes, you see there’s really nothing special about them. Or, at least, what we want to be ‘that something about them’ really isn’t there. It feels like qualities have been attributed to them they don’t actually have. It helps with putting the emotions back into reality and finding closure.

I strongly agree with you. I thought there was something special with that guy I was obsessed with, too. I couldn't describe what it was either. Now, I don't see anything. It was all a fantasy and it took me 3 years to finally realize it.

@Kelly68, I had a guy years ago whom I thought was particularly special, but it was mainly because he was such a huge support for me in ways no one else had been up to that point in my life. But when I looked at our actual chemistry, our interests, our values and our approach to the relationship, I did not find much commonality between us.

Along the lines of what @TishaBuv is saying... I wonder if the same is true for you? Because this guy has been so supportive of you in a multitude of ways, that it felt good to feel so supported and that's what has made him so special to you?

There's nothing wrong with seeing someone from a light of appreciation.... in fact, it's really good to appreciate a person for what they've done for us.

I get the sense that this may be a part of the reason why he sticks in your mind so much?

I have been doing some journaling, I started that a couple years ago, trying to make sense of the last relationship that went horribly wrong. With this guy too, I'll write out things that bother me. I have seen the real attributes about him, it's related to his faith and the work he does. But it doesn't change the fact that he went from being supportive friend, to saying I love you, to dropping the whole idea of anything going further.

I'm not a child and he's sometimes come across as patronizing. I need people who support me, not tell me what they think I did wrong. Not at my age. I'll give one example. I was crying and trembling, my brother had assaulted me. He punched me in the chest, because I said all that alcohol (he was giving my father a bottle of brandy a day) wasn't good for him. My brother was constantly aggravating me while I was living with my father caregiving for him. Disgusting words he called me.

Anyways, after the punch I felt like calling the police. My father said no, and I didn't want to disrupt the family because he loved my brother greatly. But I texted this man I'm talking about, and he was all for my brother still must be great guy, and no don't call the police you'll ruin his life. Excuse me but I was put right back in my mind to the other abuses that happened to me. And he was saying deep down he's a great guy but didn't know a thing about my brother.

That's gone, but i have 2 siblings that have both been controlling and abusive in my life. I tried explaining my mental health, the reasons for it, how I grew up, and he put me down by saying maybe I dreamt all that up.

That's enough for now, that gives me plenty just there to not want anything to do with this man. I had forgotten those things. I tend to remember the positives of people and it drowns out the most obvious negative reasons not to be involved. He did do things that felt supportive. But I'm done with his games. He did text, and this will sound silly. But there's many times he puts x or o's after, and then there's times he stops. It's his way of saying he's no longer interested. We aren't in high school, so the whole thing about leaving x's and o's seems childish. This man is another boy in a mans body. He won't admit that. I need another coffee.

I'm going to focus on myself and my needs. I realized that I don't need a man. It's nice to have one, but it's not a priority anymore. Took me years to get to this point. THanks to everyone

Well, he did initiate texting again. What's it been 3 weeks or so since I saw him. I replied he's welcome here. He said he'd visit me. He texted this morning, just to finish our conversation about vaccination. I don't know why I listened to him, he texted a lengthy 4 or so texts please don't get vaccinated yet. He's all into this thinking there will be unknown side effects likely or we don't know yet, I agree but I cancelled my appointment just because he started to make me more anxious than I already was. I thought getting vaccinated would be great since I plan to go back to work in a business where you're in close contact with clients. It just proved to me how easily I'm influenced.. I need to stay away from him. I have, but not even texting. I just asked what he's doing today, and "i have family over." ok, that's fine, I wasn't looking to see him just curious what he'd say. So, I've already mentioned I'd like to meet his family. I'm so done, it's so stupid to let him continue to make me think he cares about me but I'm not worth introducing. Men. I've got a bad idea in my head about them now. My landlord purposely does stuff to annoy me. So sick of this. I can't wait to have my own place. As soon as he said the word family, it makes me realize how much I miss my dad.

Quote:

Well, he did initiate texting again. What's it been 3 weeks or so since I saw him. I replied he's welcome here. He said he'd visit me.

So you think something is better than nothing? Personally, I wouldn't want or need that kind of guy in my life....to each their own

Why would you tell him he's welcome at your place when you've determined he is patronizing towards you? And why would you let him talk you out of your vaccination appt when it's important for your work? It seems you still want this man's attention and despite not wanting him anymore since you asked him what he's up to only to see if he wanted to see you and would tell you so. You sound confused. That's not a criticism, you just sound conflicted.

I told my ex fiancé I was not interested in having a text relationship with him and that was that.

Is he a doctor? If not why would his opinion on vaccination even matter. I don’t think there is any reason for him to introduce you to his family if you aren’t a couple

I know it’s hard to let go, but the longer you hold on to him, the more you’ll get hurt.

It feels good to have someone during these difficult times and I understand how a text can do so much.

The only thing I can say is, take care of yourself first.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote:

Originally Posted by mssweatypalms I know it’s hard to let go, but the longer you hold on to him, the more you’ll get hurt. It feels good to have someone during these difficult times and I understand how a text can do so much. The only thing I can say is, take care of yourself first. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I have learned it FEELS even better to stand up for yourself. I had an old acquaintance from high school/college reconnect with me a few years ago. He was annoying even just wanting to be a friend & it was unbalancing my peaceful life even just over social media. I unfriended him to start with but it took blocking him to finally stop it & it felt so good to know I was in control of my life & my peace. Felt so much better than trying to work on a relationship that constantly kept my peaceful life unbalanced

I know what you mean when you say it feels good to be in control again. It's been a month since I stopped any connection with the guy I was obsessed with. I probably said this in other threads again and again. Only after 3 years, I was finally able to let go.


Last night, I was feeling awful and I had the habit of texting him when I felt that way before. I just remembered it since it was a habit, but I always keep in mind that my life is much better without him. I was crying and dealing with my situation by myself, but it was better than the pain I would feel when I imagine him doing something to hurt my feelings again. Never again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mssweatypalms I know what you mean when you say it feels good to be in control again. It's been a month since I stopped any connection with the guy I was obsessed with. I probably said this in other threads again and again. Only after 3 years, I was finally able to let go. Last night, I was feeling awful and I had the habit of texting him when I felt that way before. I just remembered it since it was a habit, but I always keep in mind that my life is much better without him. I was crying and dealing with my situation by myself, but it was better than the pain I would feel when I imagine him doing something to hurt my feelings again. Never again.

Good for you ....nothing better than the feeling of being the one in control

In the limerence situation I had, I was the one to stop contact by not responding to an email. He had said something that was finally a clear message that he did not ever want to commit to me. I realized there was no hope. So I didn’t respond. He had been toying with me by giving just enough encouragement to keep me wondering. Now he had made himself clear, not in a way as though my affection was annoying to him, rather a simple statement that showed me I was not at all in his thoughts for his future.

It felt good to be the one to be in control by letting it go without response. But, I wished he had reached out again to ask why I didn’t respond and that he did want me. He probably never gave my departure a second thought. He just toyed with me because it fed his ego.

I was not letting go of ‘a good one’. I was pining after a bad one who cared little for me and used me to feed his ego.

Though I had thought about him obsessively previously, once I let go, he rarely crossed my mind again. It felt liberating but lonely. The fantasy of limerence felt fulfilling although it was 90% imaginery. The reality of the nothingness is lonely.

The whole dysfunctional way of thinking stems from a place of emotional issues. Healthy people have healthy real relationships.

Thanks for all the input. There really is nothing more to think about. I am not coming from a healthy place right now. I've lost all family, even though we never had a good relationship between us siblings. I've tried to keep the peace between them, I did my best. The farm, the horses, my dad, everything is gone. I guess that's why I'm on this forum, I have issues. This guy has been trying to be supportive, but I also remember telling him I take medication for depression and he disagrees with even that. Also my pain med, oh you shouldn't have that. It's prescribed by a doctor, I don't like weed, he smokes that and drinks. Anyways, I've got way too much on my mind to bother thinking about this guy. I'll get my vaccination later.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelly68 I don't feel dependent on him for support now. But knowing it's not in the cards to have a relationship doesn't change that I want to see him. But I'm not doing any chasing any more. I never really did, we'd always agree on a time that suits him. I was ready to just let him go a few weeks ago, I brought him a small gift. It was my way of trying to deny that I want to keep seeing him. This might not be right, but I'm not using him, he's offered to help me figure out my finances, and I don't want to have to talk about money after dad died, but the reality is I have to figure out what to do with that when I get it. He owns property, he knows the ins and outs of things as he's said he runs his own company where he is retiring. I really don't think he has another woman, but his last gf died a year and half ago. I accidentally opened a jar of something that looks like bath salts and rubbed my hands in it. It was obviously womens stuff so I wondered why he had it. He said it was his dead gfs and I said smell it from my hand and he looked all emotional and said he hadn't smelled that in a long time. He loved her. I think he was just trying to do a kindness for me but he also wanted sex. That's fine. But initiating texts will stop. If he doesn't ask to see me, I'll be fine. I really like him though. I'm getting older and it's hard right now with everything I'm going through, so having him make me laugh and talk for hours was really nice. As for why I say most men tune a woman out, it's because I know once a relationship progresses they aren't really interested in hearing the same old stuff. If the fire burns too fast the sooner it burns out. I'm tired, I hope I made some sense. Thanks for the input from you all.

I’m no prude but sometimes sex without a real relationship is a recipe for disaster. Why would he commit he’s going to another country but he gets to have sex you know what I mean?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelly68 And I'm quite in reality, I'm not sitting around in dreamland with a fantasy that this is anything other than what it's been. I think in a previous post I made it quite clear that I'm good with whatever happens. I said a prayer for him, and I've asked God to give me an answer as to what to do. As far as I think that is concerned, God is fine with me continuing to see him, but definitely not running my own financial resources dry by driving to him. He'll come my way, that's what I believe. The highest form of love is called Phileo.... Christian love for one another is the highest form of love that Jesus taught us to have. Sorry if religion is offensive to anyone, but this is the first Christian man I've had in my life, and I'm sure I'm not done with this man yet. Sorry I seemed reactive to your post @eskielover It just seemed too blunt.

I understand being of a certain religion and wanting a partner in that same religion. I know it can create a bond religiously and romantically and spiritually. But how Christian is he based on that behavior?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelly68 Well, he did initiate texting again. What's it been 3 weeks or so since I saw him. I replied he's welcome here. He said he'd visit me. He texted this morning, just to finish our conversation about vaccination. I don't know why I listened to him, he texted a lengthy 4 or so texts please don't get vaccinated yet. He's all into this thinking there will be unknown side effects likely or we don't know yet, I agree but I cancelled my appointment just because he started to make me more anxious than I already was. I thought getting vaccinated would be great since I plan to go back to work in a business where you're in close contact with clients. It just proved to me how easily I'm influenced.. I need to stay away from him. I have, but not even texting. I just asked what he's doing today, and "i have family over." ok, that's fine, I wasn't looking to see him just curious what he'd say. So, I've already mentioned I'd like to meet his family. I'm so done, it's so stupid to let him continue to make me think he cares about me but I'm not worth introducing. Men. I've got a bad idea in my head about them now. My landlord purposely does stuff to annoy me. So sick of this. I can't wait to have my own place. As soon as he said the word family, it makes me realize how much I miss my dad.

OK hang on…. I admit I’m extremely passionate about vaccines and volunteer as a vaccine angel. And I know there are people who have strong thoughts about vaccines. But I can’t help questioning his ability to understand basic science and the ways viruses work. And even if he believes these things he has zero right to berate and debate with you enough to cancel your appointment. And he ghosted you but then has time to text 4 times about vaccines ?? And I’m sorry you felt the need to cancel over when any man or woman would say. And in case it’s about religion absolutely nothing about Christianity supports an anti vaccination campaign.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I think if you are truly ready to accept there is no relationship and move on is toblock him. All forms of social media or texting. It’s the only way you can pull away.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I doubt much is going to happen. Sex without a relationship could be a disaster, it could also just be simplified knowing I'm not in a relationship. It's still something though. This went on for quite some time before I wanted some affection besides a hand or a hug. It's not right, as a Christian in my mind, but I was needing that hug and I was very attracted to him. I really don't want to go into length, but he did say don't let him bully me into not getting a vaccination, he just wanted me to think about it for a few days. He didn't ghost me for 3 weeks, I meant I haven't seen him in that long. I do think he cares about me. It won't matter, I've known for a long time, he's leaving. He was supposed to leave this year but he couldn't for reasons I don't want to get into. I remember saying that I want to have fun.
I do. I will be fine whatever happens. I think it would be stupid to block him. He's leaving anyway. Emails are possible, we've done that before when he was away.
I'm not attached as emotionally as I've been with much worse men. I'll be fine. And the vax has nothing to do with christian beliefs. He did beg me to wait on the vax, so I did feel pressured to change my mind. If i want success in anything in life, I first need to control my thoughts. I don't have to think about him all the time and I don't. I need to either get back to working or start a new hobby or skill (weight loss and exercise is already on my mind), and getting back to playing piano. I've got tons of things to do, but when it comes down to the big why I did this, it is affection and humor and attention. He's witty. He's kind. I'm done with the thread, but I appreciate you read all of that @sarahsweets
Thank you.