How to let a good one go?

I've been seeing a man, that I originally met about 7 years ago. At that time I was intrigued by him, there was something about him. We only dated a month and he just stopped responding to me. I kept his email, and he helped me through a bad time last year when I lost my place to live.
He gave me encouragement to get a job, advice, more like mentoring me and keeping me from being too depressed.

I really appreciated that he was willing to model for me (i am a hairstylist), and i couldn't find anyone else. He'd banter with me and made me laugh.
I think that's what I love the most, not many people get me laughing. My dad was dying and I was busy caregiving him, but the little texts I'd look forward to. He lives more than a hour from me, and he made the effort in late October last year to come see my Dad,

For the last 2 months, I've been repeating old behaviours. I'm driving to see him. I told myself that I wouldn't do that again. He's been very clear that this isn't a relationship or that I'm not his girlfriend. He says he doesn't believe in being in love anymore. But i was hoping that might change. He didn't do anything much to earn my respect, so I screwed up that part.

I know i need to let him decide if he wants to see me, and when, but I'm heading that direction today, so I feel like going by his place. But then I feel like a fool chasing after him. He's very smart, he's into politics and I'm not. He's mentioned gf's he's had before and it's always "she was smart as a whip"

I'm not stupid, but why am I having a hard time with just letting him go....He'll be retiring in another country next year, I want to have fun with him, but he doesn't take me out anywhere, I hinted that already It's just "someday".. oh just writing this makes me feel like I'm a fool. I don't need a man, I just want company and covid has made seeing people almost impossible.

Well I texted twice now, forget him. It's always on his terms. It's weird too, never on a weekend. I'll leave this anyways, I typed it all out. I'm getting old and acting too desperate. I've never met anyone like him, but so what. I'll go see my friend and try to have a good day.. I just wish this guy would get out of my head.

I’m so sorry you’re suffering like this. There seems to be a flurry of posts about men who can’t be there for women. You’ll find you’re not alone. It sounds to me like he’s being dishonest and he’s hiding something. I’ve been in an on again off again relationship for 9 years. I’ve been told I had the most raw intelligence of anyone he’s ever met. It’s been over 24 hours since I’ve heard from the man that’s my problem, Thursday at 11 something at night.

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If they never contact you on the weekend, it’s usually because they have a wife or a girlfriend.

We've talked a lot, most men usually tune a woman out after a few minutes. So i know his past, he knows mine. I really wanted him as just a friend, but he kept saying i have lots of friends, and he didn't have a girlfriend. I'm thinking he's honest, because he said he loves me but isn't in love with me. So i just said I'm not in love with you either, you're leaving for another country next year. He said that's smart thinking, well it's more like common sense to not fall for a man that's planning on leaving. I really didn't want to go past being friends, but he does excite me and I'm human so we've already been intimate. That's usually what screws us women up, but I'm not that in need of him. I just wonder why it's always "I'm away this weekend", or today, after me bluntly texting that I'm in his area and I'd like to see him it was "yeah, I'm entertaining this weekend".... ok, so I'm not included, I've met no friend, son or daughter? Obviously then I'm just f buddy. I don't like that, so I think I need to get myself busy. I'm hoping salons are back in business where I live the beginning of next month, so I'll busy myself with cutting hair.

And I agree, he could be hiding something, but I don't think it's likely. But why not introduce me to a friend, that's strange.

Just to add, I did have a good day, I saw my best friend, it was lovely. I saw my sis in law on the way home. So I'm quite happy with how today turned out anyways. Hopefully this guy will introduce me to someone soon, or I really have no reason to just trust him.

It does sound like he's hiding something from you. Also, when one person supports another through a rough time in the beginning of a relationship, I could see it creating dependency on that person for support rather than the relationship being based on mutual interests and fun, which is what it's supposed to be. Do you feel dependent on him for support? And if he stopped responding to you initially, and is now keeping you at a great arms distance, why chase? It doesn't help your self esteem to chase a man who is not interested. I think if he's not introducing you to his friends and is always busy on the weekends, he's got another woman in his back pocket. Don't believe his words, believe his actions.

He told you he isn’t in love with you. That means he isn’t romantically interested. So that’s why he makes his own plans and does his own thing, doesn’t invite you anywhere and sees no need to introduce you to people. I’d stop pursuing him at this point

I understand it’s hard to let him go but you might be missing on good things in life by trying to get this man to be someone he isn’t

I disagree that men tune women out. Men like to chit chat just the same as women

I think actions are more important than words, too, but what he said about his ex gf’s intelligence stood out to me - it seems like a subtle put down on his part, to compare you to his exes like that (and maybe even an invitation to make you “dance harder” for his approval). That’s how I read it, anyway, I can accept if I’m off the mark. But comparisons, rather than acceptance of who you are, generally aren’t good.
Sorry you’re going through this, anyway. Your plan to just keep busy is good.

Whenever one person is pursuing another, and it’s one-sided, it’s not going to be any good.

I’m sorry he didn’t materialize into a real relationship. He does sound like he has many good qualities, and you really like him. But, he’s made it very clear, he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Yes, he’s honest. IDK if he is hiding another love interest, but he doesn’t want you, so that’s all you need to know to give up on him.

It’s a good idea for you to get ‘very busy’, too. In the past, I had a similar semi-unrequited relationship. When I got busy, he suddenly started pursuing! But, it didn’t go well after that anyway, so I don’t recommend allowing yourself to get sucked in should that happen. The bottom line is, if it was rocky from the start, and was never a mutual, healthy relationship, it’s never going to be smooth. And, when you are truly ‘busy’, you are caring for yourself and freeing yourself to find someone or something else that will be actually good.

“most men usually tune a woman out after a few minutes”— I don’t feel like this has been true IME…but, recently I was going off on a rant with my h and it was obvious he had tuned me out. Is it possible you are being overly talkative with men to the point where you feel they have tuned out?

I don't feel dependent on him for support now. But knowing it's not in the cards to have a relationship doesn't change that I want to see him. But I'm not doing any chasing any more. I never really did, we'd always agree on a time that suits him. I was ready to just let him go a few weeks ago, I brought him a small gift. It was my way of trying to deny that I want to keep seeing him. This might not be right, but I'm not using him, he's offered to help me figure out my finances, and I don't want to have to talk about money after dad died, but the reality is I have to figure out what to do with that when I get it. He owns property, he knows the ins and outs of things as he's said he runs his own company where he is retiring. I really don't think he has another woman, but his last gf died a year and half ago. I accidentally opened a jar of something that looks like bath salts and rubbed my hands in it. It was obviously womens stuff so I wondered why he had it. He said it was his dead gfs and I said smell it from my hand and he looked all emotional and said he hadn't smelled that in a long time. He loved her.

I think he was just trying to do a kindness for me but he also wanted sex. That's fine. But initiating texts will stop. If he doesn't ask to see me, I'll be fine. I really like him though. I'm getting older and it's hard right now with everything I'm going through, so having him make me laugh and talk for hours was really nice.

As for why I say most men tune a woman out, it's because I know once a relationship progresses they aren't really interested in hearing the same old stuff. If the fire burns too fast the sooner it burns out. I'm tired, I hope I made some sense. Thanks for the input from you all.

I’m sorry honey , you sound like me trying to reconcile with my ex fiancé and making up all kinds of excuses for why he’s acting the way he does. I know how hard it is to be alone . Do you have any real life support system? This man is not it.

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So Sorry for his losses and So Sorry for what you're both going through! Please do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that it may simply be better to mov eon perhaps. i am not sure if he's hiding something but it seems like he has made it clear that he's not interested. He may be coping with his Losses still too. i think it may be better to take him on his own words. If simply talking to him makes you feel infatuated perhaps cutting off contact may be a better option? i am not sure. Try to focus on yourself and your own Health perhaps. i Hope things will improve soon for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Kelly68, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Sorry to be blunt, but it seems to me that you are chasing him. You’re driving out to see him, and you’re texting him without him showing interest. You said yourself that you’re acting desperate to see him and be with him.

Do you suffer from low self esteem? I suggest putting your energy into yourself and your own life. Who needs a guy who doesn’t reciprocate? The feelings must be mutual.

I said he's upfront about not being in love, he said he doesn't believe in the whole idea of being in love. I didn't say he doesn't reciprocate texts. I don't need to hear from him everyday. But I know that if I'm doing all the driving it's because it suits him better, and it's not fair. He said someday he'll come this way. I truly believe he's a good guy that maybe got a bit more involved than he thought. He's blunt. He tells me like it is. So a guy that loves me but isn't in love with me is just fine by me.

I am going to stop initiating texts like i have been. During the winter I lost interest and he'd still ask how I was doing, I ignored him for a while. He must like something about me or he wouldn't keep in touch, boost my own self esteem, say nice things about me. I'm not ready to give up, but yes I was kind of getting ahead of myself asking if I could come over, because he once said he'd never come to see me uninvited. I still think he want's to see me, and I've had enough men that said they were in love with me, to prove those words mean nothing. His actions show he cares very much. He cooks for me, asks if I'm allergic to anything or what health needs he needs to be aware of. If I just get to see him a few more times I'm happy. If not, I let him go his own way. But he always says it was a good time and a pleasure to see me.

There is a lot I'm not saying that anyone would be infatuated about him for.

How to let a good one' go? Frankly, he doesn't sound good enough from the sounds of it.

The best thing you could do for yourself is to move on. Stop torturing yourself like this. He doesn't deserve it.

If he cared so much for you as you say, he’d come to see you too. Men go out of their way for women they truly care about and reciprocate. Yes it’s not fair to you. He would also want to see you on the weekends too, if he truly cared that much. You make it easy for him by going to see him. It’s a relationship of convenience for him.

We’re you born in 68?

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Yeah I know if he cared that much he'd go out of his way for me. It is too convenient for him. I guess I'm back in reality when I read these replies. I'm glad though that I met him. But there's no future. It sucks, but I can make it on my own. My gf's live far from me too, and with covid still not getting everything going around here, it did kind of feel good just to get out. But he's just out to use me for whatever, and I don't want to feel like a doormat. Thanks for the input everyone. I've deleted his text and phone number. If he does text I'll go back to ignoring him or just a polite simple reply. Why does it seem so hard as we age to find a good man. I know I made a big mistake by driving to him, because he likes to be where he lives...... so what, then I'm not worth any effort. I sure should work on my own self esteem and my own matters than need tending to.

Do you have any kind of program of recovery or church you belong to ?

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