How do you find "social support"?

My goal is really to stay out of my head and have something to look forward to so I would be able to work early enough during the day because a big problem of mine is not being able to until the evening or even later in the night or worst case until next morning.

And since I lost my IRL "friends" after trauma, that is why I think it would help if I had more good experiences again with people, it would help overwrite the bad experiences.

I will be honest, I don't see how I would rewrite the bad experiences on my own without any external influence from people.





I don't have time now because of work. But that's what I'm trying to change.

I don't have social anxiety, the problem is more the above.

I can’t understand how you feel because I didn’t suffer a big trauma, mine it’s was more a drop after drop falling.

It’s not easy to open up yourself when you have been hurt.
Take it little by little. Know these people without having high expectations, open up yourself in the way your guts tell you.
Call me crazy if you want, but I’m sure you are gonna find people who are worthy.

Thanks. I hope I'll find people like that (edit: I mean, people who can become really good friends too, I thought this was my other thread, lol), I just realised that subconsciously I didn't believe that this is possible. So I didn't actually have hope. I only realised that today so that's a step forward.

And yes I'm going to need some positive experiences too to rewrite the past, I think.

Didn’t read your other post so far.

Good for you. It’s without any doubt a step forward.
Once you began to put an idea in your mind, there’s not a step backwards, maybe stones in the way, but not backwards.

Tell us how you are doing and which activities you joined.
Oh, I also want to do it but the single idea to be out of place while dealing with people, stops me. 😔

Thanks, I hope for the same.



I think I will take some time too because I have to solve the issue of working during the day first, but if I have hope like this then that can help solve that issue, and then I can go ahead and actually do things with people.

How do you mean you would be "out of place"? Like a misfit?

Yes, I understand. Depression or even a low mood period or having a busy schedule...all this involves a high level of spent energy. Unluckily, we both know very well this.
Yes, misfit, this is the word and the story of my life. lol!
But, this thread is about you and your “opening doors” to people.

Lol I see, if you ever want to make a thread on that, I'll check it out.

My opening doors, hm yeah I think I have to fully close the door on that bad friendship first, because I think it caused changes in my perception and that adds all these bad emotions that get in the way and then I have issues like above

So maybe I'll ask more about that "friendship" when I have more thoughts on it.

It’s not easy to wholly know a person. Sometimes people fail us even when we may think they are the best friends ever, the best spouses, the best relatives.

Here, in my country, there’s a saying that states more or less as: You can only trust your father.

I partly agree with this saying. There’s not a bigger and disinterested love than the one your progenitors can provide you. But even them can make behaviours (without intention) that can make us good for nothing. So, the rest of people.

I’m with you in wanting friendship of quality. I’m very much into it. Few, but good ones. With the rest of people, I’m very reserve.

P.S.: Not here, I’m less reserve here because it’s anonymous and I kind of think that people here are more like-minded. So, I feel more free.

True. I don't trust people now, only family and not all family members either, just some of them.

I don't really know how I will manage this thought/fact though. That people can fail you anytime even if they seemed like the best friend or best spouse.


The way I imagine it is being on ALERT ALL THE TIME lol, if I befriend someone, and I see they do something negative they never did before, I'm just gonna want to take care of it right away. Not ignore it!! I used to ignore it. Or I would forget about it fast if I didn't ignore it.

So maybe it can be taken care of then if the other person is a partner in sorting it out. That's OK. I trust my new antennaes for detecting problems. I did not have them before trauma. Now I can have a gut feeling that something will happen in interaction (but I don't know what specifically will happen) and it often works. It predicts negatives only though LOL, not positives


The other problem with it all though is that if I feel I am getting attached, start to care too much about someone outside family, then I think it's too much of a liability. I think I would have to run. Simply because in my state I cannot afford more risks for my emotional well-being. Maybe if I recover, I won't have to run like that.

Plus, of course if the person isn't a partner to resolving the issue - if there is something negative coming up that wasn't there before - , then I'll again run from that relationship. That's how I imagine it now, i.e. me doing new relationships.

But too much attachment (outside my mother & my sister), I would have to run from it as it is now. Even if no negative happened. Because I know I wouldn't be able to handle it if a negative did happen and then they were not a partner to sorting it out. It's too much of a roulette game to me. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it if I got the wrong colour in the game because I am simply not well enough for it now. Maybe later.



I also have a partner (boyfriend) but we are being pretty distant so he's not a liability. He probably is afraid to emotionally connect. I can't really talk to him about my emotions, feelings at all. He ignores it all. So he's not support but he's trustable and stable otherwise.


Anyway family... With parents I know it won't change for the worse, it's been long enough, my mother is old enough now too.

Same for my sister (she's not old though)

But beyond that...I don't know. I don't trust my brother fully, though he's not bad, but after this "best friendship" fell through, I just don't. I've seen him act bad like the "best friend" would too. Though overall not as bad, sure, I still saw the same negative thingy in it. I don't know how to put it into words though. I need to find the words for it.

I just know it was manipulative and it was about money. Same with "best friend".

Apart from the one manipulative thing he said (luckily just this one time), he also has had bad rages over me not putting the dishes in the dishwasher and stuff like that. (We did not have an agreement about me loading the dishwasher!)

It was when I lived in the same house as him, we lived in the same house temporarily for a year. I already ended the friendship and I already had my trauma too. So it was bad enough that I got a lock put on the door to my room after a few months, lol.

(I would've handled it fine before trauma)

I know he was stressed out because he did full time work, as a beginner programmer, he also was doing his Bsc in IT/programming, and he worked in a church too at the weekends. But it's not an excuse to me. He wasn't like that before this though. So I know these things are linked.

I am just describing all this because I want to find the words for his behaviour. Plus because it's highly relevant to me about how people can fail out of the blue

(I am on normal good terms with him now, we sorted it out back then but I don't want that bad stuff again)

It is all complex because I know he cares about family, including me. He almost got detained by the police once when he wanted to defend me in a bad situation

Glad you like the forum!

PS: This is now going to be about the former "best friend" again but: I could not talk with her about psychology like this. I tried to a few months before our final fall-out. Because that was when I got interested in psychology and healing and recovering from stuff psychologically. But she didn't care about the topic.... this forum is better yes lol

Hm you said "It’s not easy to wholly know a person."

So if I know them enough (& with enough knowledge of people in general) then less risk of course...... but to get as far as that.....too much liability as it is now

I wonder if there might be a way to volunteer with others for a cause that you all believe in.

You also mentioned getting out of your head. Have you had experience with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)?

Thank you for this tip. This is kinda even inspiring. Though I am not sure right now what that cause would be....kinda have a blank mind on it right now but I'm tired too and I have a hard time thinking with my state in general.

I've heard of ACT. Why do you ask? Does that have some good approach for this?

I don't know if ACT has an approach specifically for the issue you raise in this thread. What brought ACT to mind was your statement about getting out of your head. That's a basic idea of ACT--to foster that. In fact, notice the title of this self-help workbook about ACT:

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=get+out+o...f=nb_sb_noss_2

Thanks, I downloaded it, I haven't yet found the part on getting out of the head but I'll look through it more later, but gotta work now.

Anyway I had a few minutes so I randomly opened it somewhere at the start and it says things like

"If you’ve been struggling for some time, you’ve probably plagued yourself with different forms of the “why?” question: “Why can’t I just get over it?” “Why can’t I feel better?” “Why is life so hard?” “Why hasn’t therapy worked?” “Why can’t I be a normal person?” “Why can’t I be happy?” You may feel victimized somehow by questions that seem not to have any ready answers."

So if ACT deals with the solution to this, then I'm already stuck and unable to apply it Because I don't have thoughts like that. It sounds incredibly negative to me and I run from such negativity. It feels tiring and draining to even read these questions listed out like that. So, I block out thoughts and feelings like this.

Ofcourse, then the block itself is what prevents me from getting out of my head.

Did this make sense?




EDIT: Oh another quote (from homework assigned in the book).

"We would like you to write down a list of all of the issues that are currently psychologically difficult for you. Use the left-hand side of the space provided below. Do not write about purely external or situational events, independent of your reactions to them. In this book we will focus on how you react. Some of your psychological issues will be clearly related to specific situations; others may not be. For example, “my boss” would not be a good example of a difficult issue you experience; but “getting frustrated with my boss” or “feeling put down by my boss” might be. The left-hand column can include any of your thoughts, feelings, memories, urges, bodily sensations, habits, or behavioral predispositions that may distress you, either alone or in combination with external events. Don’t overthink it. Just write down what plagues you and causes you pain. Be honest and thorough and create your “suffering inventory” in the space below."

Yeah, well. Stuck there too, of course, lol. Because what comes natural to me is writing about the external event/situation. This says the book is gonna focus on how I react. Well I react with that block. Not feelings....but just that block. Behavioural dispositions, well the block having me not being able to come out of my head, or if I do manage to come out of it, then I do feel the pain strongly lol and then it's hard to do anything while it's that strong. But that is still easier to deal with than the block itself... As soon as I'm past the block I'm good, I can manage emotion sooner or later, I'm not actually worried about that part.

My theory on all that is that the block is there when my brain cannot contain the emotion (bc it's too strong) so it has to shut it all down. So I do define that as having negative emotions, I just don't feel them because they are behind that block.



All in all, my issue is not about having painful or negative emotions, my issue is if/when they get in the way of me doing things, in the way of concentration, in the way of my goals. That is the issue I have. That's the only thing that bothers me. The examples in the quote... feeling frustration or whatever other feeling, those are not issues for me, I don't view having emotions an issue because I'm all about controlling them (when I do actively feel the emotions). The block and the inability to do anything when that's in the way is my issue. And then the resulting mess in my life, when I have to catch up with the deadlines, not being able to train (I love training and I again couldn't do it for so long now!!) etc. So those are the issues. Yeah, external situations, I know, it doesn't do the homework in the book.

May I see if I am understanding you correctly?

ACT says "Don't try to change emotions or dwell on them, let them be as they are, just go ahead and take actions towards your goals."

You say (if I am understanding you correctly) "I would love to do that but the emotions are so dominating that my brain shuts down and I then I cannot take the actions needed to advance towards my goals."

How accurate/close am I? If okay, please edit as needed!

Hey, thanks for trying Let's see if I understood you too lol.

I didn't read the ACT book yet, just looked at a few sections, so I didn't know for sure that it says that...

"Don't try to change emotions or dwell on them, let them be as they are, just go ahead and take actions towards your goals."

This is exactly how I used to be before things went for the worse. So I know what this is like, yes.

But I abused my ability to do that, too much. Like I had no idea I entered a toxic relationship deeper and deeper for 4 years, in 2014. I kept taking actions towards the goal of trying to help the person and I believed it would help both of us too (long story). I didn't pay attention to how negative the person was and how they got more and more negative. While I put my heart and a lot of my soul into it all (not all of it or I'd be dead now lol). Again, long story... And then I had trauma from something else and then this crashed on me too and now I can't do that anymore.

And then your interpretation of what I was saying: "I would love to do that but the emotions are so dominating that my brain shuts down and I then I cannot take the actions needed to advance towards my goals."

I think I would rephrase only one thing in here:

"I would love to do that but the emotions are probably so threatening (?)/cannot be contained that my brain shuts down so I don't have to see and feel the emotions, but that creates a block and then I cannot take the actions needed to advance towards my goals."

I didn't want to use the word "dominating" because I mean, if the emotions were dominating then I would be directly experiencing a flood of emotions....? But that block prevents that. The block dominates

My psychologist recommend me this book years ago. Indeed, I have just picked it up from my library.
I’m giving it a quick check now to refresh a little. My last note was at page 207 so I guess I quitted it there. If I remember well, l left it because the proposed exercises were more complicated that the single techniques I learnt to practise mindfulness. And I didn’t want to be more focussed on whether I was doing correctly the exercises than the aim of the exercise themselves, when I already have chosen the technique I found that suited better with me.

Said that, this therapy is part and based on the same principles of that so called Third Generation therapies that it’s to first be aware of thoughts and emotions that appears in our minds, accept them, not fighting against them in order not to feed them.
What happen with this? Which are the benefits? With practise, you learn to give these thoughts and emotions a relative relevance ( as a product of our over-protector brain) so once you get this, you are freer to go ahead with your life without having to carry a heavy burden. Your brain won’t ever be the same again. It will be working little by little as an alley. Not so over-protector. More objective and attentive to what’s really happening around you. It’s immense the plasticity of the brain.

You don’t need to believe the principles of this technique or therapy. You only have to give you a chance to experience it and you will see by your own.

I was talking in a general sense. Only wanted to express you my comprehension in the sense that sometimes even when we know a person a lot, people may show reactions we don’t expect according to what we have known about this person so far.
*Want to make clear that when I talk about a person is in a general sense (I’m including myself in this group).

You asked me a question and I’m gonna reply what I do think. The more you know yourself, the most possibilities you have to know and being open to know another person. This is my personal opinion, though.

When the block occurs, what if you try to aim for a very, very small (but still positive) next step?

Do you have an example of a very small step like that?

(If you need me to provide some more context for it, let me know but I am fine with just whatever generic examples so that I can get the idea about it )