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TishaBuv
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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 07:32 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by Alive99 View Post
What I don't understand is what made her hateful. She was callous before too here and there. But hateful?
How did she show herself to be hateful?

Some people who say they love me and do act like they do have also acted hatefully. I’ve dealt with this all my life. Their motivation was I did not do what they wanted! I don’t know or think this is typical or healthy behavior. But it happens to me.

I call my friendship with the one I discussed here a real “true” friendship even though she did eventually become a user (not a true friend) and flamed out on me in anger and that’s how it ended.

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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 07:38 AM
  #22
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Originally Posted by Alive99 View Post
What actions need to be there to call it a real friendship beyond just words? (There could be a verbal aspect of some actions of course but you get what I mean)
I don't know if this makes sense but real friends make me feel like they are there even when they aren't physically there. There is this reassuring feeling that they will back me up if ever something happens.


Also, we naturally make time for each other and try to check on one another every once in a while. We don't always understand each other's feelings and don't agree about some issues, but in the end we support each other.
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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 09:10 AM
  #23
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
How did she show herself to be hateful?

(On different occasions in the last 1.5 years of the "relationship". I'm listing these in order of the time they happened. Translation as it was not in English originally)

- She texted me, "I would thank you if you stopped doing this, the lack of the sound system is my smallest issue now, I'll write to you when it'll be the biggest problem, until then leave me alone with this" ("This" = me offering to bring the sound system over to her place. She left that stuff with me months before.) ---- This one wasn't hateful yet but it was the first time she openly treated me in a way like....Like I don't even know. Like I was just a complete nuisance to her and she wanted me to stop existing

- She said she "hated talking". Like, the word for it used was the strongest word, hate, loathe, all that.

- She said in a text, "throw it in" through the fence when I brought her a gift to make her feel better after the previous conflict (where she said she hated talking), and for her to have something before her hard exam

- She said in another text, "don't expect that I'll talk with you at the bus stop" when we had to meet to help her sort out some errand for her inheritance proceedings. (Weirdly enough, she did end up talking to me for about 45 minutes while I was uncomfortable and was on alert trying to speak up about leaving ASAP because I remembered this request of hers, but then I didn't say anything about leaving because she seemed to like talking, mostly about her own stuff and problems for 45 minutes LOL.)

- She, casually but in a very calculating way, said in online chat, that if I talk to this guy who also stood to inherit from the guy that killed himself and left her 40% of his property (she exploited that guy too btw), then she won't be friends with me

- She said in email to leave her alone with the topic or "you'll push me away even more", when I asked why we aren't talking anymore, asking if she had a problem, and she said no she has no problem and said that we "always chat", and then I said we haven't talked/chatted in a long time

(I italicised "even more". She never said anything like that before it)

- She eventually said in a text in extreme anger the thing that was just....too much. All the above was too much of course, but that one was truly extreme. Where she tried to really hurt me as much as humanly possible

Quote:
Some people who say they love me and do act like they do have also acted hatefully. I’ve dealt with this all my life. Their motivation was I did not do what they wanted! I don’t know or think this is typical or healthy behavior. But it happens to me.
Yeah. I think that was her motivation too LOL.

Quote:
I call my friendship with the one I discussed here a real “true” friendship even though she did eventually become a user (not a true friend) and flamed out on me in anger and that’s how it ended.
You mean before she changed for the worse, you two were true friends, yeah?

I don't really view the friendship with her that I had with her before as a true one, I finally changed my evaluation on it recently



PS: though she claimed several years ago that I'm a best friend of hers and that I am her last best friend (chronologically), the others had been best friends in school in the past, she kept in touch with them for a while after school and then no longer. And yeah maybe I was her best friend then, but I don't think it was a quality relationship.... It was very nice for me, so I viewed her as my best friend (I'd never had anyone in my life before her that I would call a best friend) but I realised it was missing certain things in it anyway
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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 09:23 AM
  #24
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Originally Posted by mssweatypalms View Post
I don't know if this makes sense but real friends make me feel like they are there even when they aren't physically there. There is this reassuring feeling that they will back me up if ever something happens.

Thanks. That sounds like trust. Based on experience with them? Like they did back you up before?


Quote:
Also, we naturally make time for each other and try to check on one another every once in a while. We don't always understand each other's feelings and don't agree about some issues, but in the end we support each other.

Yeah, this "best friend" stopped checking up on me like that.
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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 09:26 AM
  #25
She exploited someone else, gaining money…after he committed sui…yikes! It sounds like she is not a true friend to anybody. Like I said earlier, you did not choose a good person to have as a friend. You, like me, probably did not see those very bad qualities until later on.

It sounds like her anger at you was because you wanted to be a true friend and she was stressed out and focused on a scheme for taking a guy’s money…then later taking yours. Yes, she was hateful because you stopped giving her what she wanted.

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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 10:05 AM
  #26
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Originally Posted by Alive99 View Post
Thanks. That sounds like trust. Based on experience with them? Like they did back you up before?
Yeah. It's definitely trust.

One of my closest friends is a lawyer so he always helps me out when I have problems with my clients. He also guided me on what to do when I got into a car accident once. Even before we were in college, he always had my back when I had conflicts with some people.


Another close friend who's a nurse, when she was still single, helped me out when I needed to stay until 3AM setting up something at the mall for my job. She also visited me when I was depressed. And even though she's busy with her son now, she still helps me right away. Last February when I thought I was having a heart attack, she guided me through what I should do and helped me not to panic.

I trust them with my life. Of course, I do the same for them when they need me. It's just a personal decision for me not to always bother them when I'm depressed because I don't want to be a burden.
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Default Jun 17, 2021 at 09:35 PM
  #27
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
She exploited someone else, gaining money…after he committed sui…yikes! It sounds like she is not a true friend to anybody. Like I said earlier, you did not choose a good person to have as a friend. You, like me, probably did not see those very bad qualities until later on.

It sounds like her anger at you was because you wanted to be a true friend and she was stressed out and focused on a scheme for taking a guy’s money…then later taking yours. Yes, she was hateful because you stopped giving her what she wanted.

Yeah. I don't understand this (I know I should already understand it lol) but yeah, I found old texts/emails, I was sending her very caring, empathetic lines in my messages, and she skipped all that stuff, she just plain didn't respond to those parts. Why?? What was that? Was she that focused on her scheming to get money?

I know she did say that whenever she'd try to figure out her problems, she always decided that she needed money as the answer. She always ended up at that answer....

Around the time she seemed to change (? or just showed me more of herself), she was very excited that maybe we would get to work together at some company and being pretty well paid and we would be such good friends or whatever.

So she already thought of money as the prerequisite to everything else, including us being true friends. Um.... yeah I realised this tonight.

And you know what I thought of as prerequisite of things being OK? I understood (or was made to believe by her manipulation) she was in a bad place and blah blah, so she couldn't be a good friend while in a bad place, so I thought she needed to feel like she's in a good place, and I figured she needed to have some support so she could have success, she could feel successful again plus support for better living circumstances so she can get success more easily. (E.g. finish her school/Bsc degree, get a job, etc etc)

But no, she just wanted money. Not success out of her own achievement.

I frankly never realised there was a difference there in our ideas. Do you see what I mean?? I'm just realising right now. Earlier in the evening I only got as far as...."ok it's weird that she wants money but doesn't think of working on being able to earn it as the solution". So yeah, I see why she didn't think of it. This is sad.

Especially sad as I was aware of some of it, partially.... She would say she wants a rich, old guy and I would say, oh, I believe in her that she doesn't actually want a rich guy like that lol.

I do think she was oscillating between that and between doing her school and other sensible goals. But somehow by the end it was no longer oscillating...is when she got really bad towards me. Happened to be at the same time... coincidence?

That was when she did finally get the inheritance and also failed her school at the last obstacle, the Bsc thesis. She managed to do everything else....my support was good only as far as that. I couldn't go on supporting her because she started behaving hateful to me, and was unavailable for any kind of talking, so I couldn't even have a chance to give her any help on that thesis crap (whether moral support or more practical support).

Yeah yeah I don't think it was a coincidence. What do you think?

It feels so stupid seeing all this written out here. I believed in her so I didn't see this before. Plus she wasn't totally lost yet, or something. (That oscillating I mean)


PS: And also....when I started really getting into therapy, she wanted to hear none of it. I was trying to tell her about psychology and how therapy does help and everything, I did get her an appointment too but she cancelled it. Etc.
So anyway after she got hateful like that, there was a period where I thought she was okay with me again and I got into therapy more too so that was when I tried to talk about psychology and therapy and stuff like that to her. And she ignored all that too just like she ignored any caring or empathetic lines from me. She really thought only money works and nothing else.

Last edited by Alive99; Jun 17, 2021 at 09:54 PM..
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Default Jun 22, 2021 at 12:04 PM
  #28
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And now comes the real point. If you read this far.....so yeah, I always had this feeling that this "best friend" was a "glorified edition" of this other girl.
What do you suppose attracted you to them?

What do you suppose attracted them to you?
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Default Jun 22, 2021 at 02:24 PM
  #29
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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
What do you suppose attracted you to them?

What do you suppose attracted them to you?

That's a long story and involves my whole childhood, in several ways.

It was her seeking me out originally first though. Because of the helpfulness of mine that I displayed. Long story again
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Default Jun 22, 2021 at 03:03 PM
  #30
Thanks! That's really good to be aware of. I think that it's helpful, if you want to avoid a third incident, to have a thorough understanding of how those things happened twice.
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Default Jun 22, 2021 at 04:13 PM
  #31
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Thanks! That's really good to be aware of. I think that it's helpful, if you want to avoid a third incident, to have a thorough understanding of how those things happened twice.

Some things happened twice, some happened only once, some happened three times and so on. Yeah, I've spent years on processing all this.
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