Competition between daughter and her friend's boyfriend

Been having a rough time with my teen daughter. She has a close friend (female) that she used to spend a lot of time with. She has other friends too, but this particular girl was a very close friend to her. About 6 months ago this close friend got a boyfriend. Since then, whenever the close friend tells my daughter she can't hang out with her cause she's doing something with the boyfriend, my daughter gets very emotional and upset to the point of crying. I don't understand this. I've asked her, why not just hang out with other friends? She has made the effort to hang out with other friends and been fine. But there's something about this one close friend with the boyfriend. Everytime the close friend cancels on her or won't make plans with her in order to hang out with the boyfriend, she cries. I've thought, maybe it's jealousy? Maybe it's a feeling of abandonment? I've tried to talk it through with her but she just says she doesn't know what it is. the boyfriend is not a very upstanding person and has shown manipulative tendencies (threatening suicide if the close friend broke up with him) and I thought my daughter was trying to fix her friend's situation or trying to protect her friend and that was causing my daughter's overinvolvment with the close friend. But the close friend chose to stay with the boyfriend and has casted my daughter aside, splitting her time between the boyfriend and my daughter. I just don't know what to do. I've tried to tell my daughter to not tie up all her self esteem in one person, but she still keeps spinning in this circle and short of telling her to distance herself from the close friend for good I don't know what to do.

If you don't mind me asking you.. How old is your daughter?.. Has your daughter been diagnose with a personality disorders? In particular... Borderline Personality Disorder? Us folks with Borderline personality develop an immense relationship bond with a single individual that's currently involved in our lives.. it can be a friend, teacher, therapist,etc... In the borderline community we call this our favorite person.


Here's a link where you can learn more about the disorder.. NIMH >> Borderline Personality Disorder perhaps your daughter may show signs of the disorder?


Your daughter may not want to come open... but maybe she has feelings for this **very close friend** of hers, and shes struggling to accept that her close friend has a boyfriend, and paying more attention to him rather than her.

I am also wondering how old she is. She sounds like a teen from what you are saying. If she's an adult and acting this way, that may be cause for concern.

She is 16 years old.

Her still being as upset as you describe six months later strikes me as worth trying to get some help with. Does she/could she see a therapist about it?

This is normal for a 16-year-old. This is also one of life's lessons to learn, that sometimes we have "friends" that put men above friendship. If she is upset to the point where she can't function, that's abnormal. If she is just upset and is able to carry on her life being upset, that's fine.

Being a teen (as I vaguely remember) is difficult because we haven't developed good coping skills for our emotions. A therapist might help her with that.

I would ask her about what happens when she tries to make plans with the close friend. What does she say, what does the close friend say, who usually initiates hanging out, does the close friend ever initiate it, is there ever a promise of it coming through (and then it doesn't happen despite promise), etc? Does the manipulative boyfriend say or do something too? Does she interact at all with the boyfriend when she tries to get these plans in place?

Also I am wondering about something and I'd like to ask about it if you don't mind: what do you think she needs to do to not tie up all her self esteem in one person? Is it a way of thinking or an emotion management technique or something else? How do you *do* it? How do you explain to her to do this?

I don't expect you give her a step by step guide lol, but do you say anything to her at all about how to do it? And again, if you do say something about it, I'm curious what it is.

So Sorry you're all going through this! Please do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about contacting a therapist if this has been going on for long, perhaps one specialized with teens' problems. i think it may be relatively normal for her to feel this way but of course it is not up to me to say that. Other than that i think the best you can do is to simply be there for her and Support her in any way you can as a parent and mother. Hopefully things will improve soon for everyone. Please do keep us updated if you can and want to. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @lovethesun, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I am wary of diagnosing people, especially in this instance.

Some teens develop some pretty strong attachments to their girl friends. It's unusual but necessarily 'abnormal'. Maybe jealousy or I don't know.. is this girl her only source of support? Or maybe she has feelings for that friend?

Would jealousy show in crying? Or maybe I imagine the crying in the wrong way from the description.

I don't think it's "abnormal" either and I'm glad you emphasised that. I would never want to shame someone's feelings of attachment by calling it abnormal.

(I don't think anyone on here has an intent of shaming but I think it would totally be a risk of how it would come off if you say it to the person with the attachment)

I'm considering this option. The close friend has just left the country for a month long vacation so I'm watching to see if the absence of this friend has a positive affect.