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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 01:53 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by leomama View Post
There’s pressure from his mom, whom he leaves with, she gave him a duffel bag for overnight visits, a together 4 ever sign for her backyard where he hangs out, she thinks we’re partners.

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He is a grown man. And you are not related to his mother so pressure she puts on him has no bearing on your life. It’s for him and her to sort out on their own

His mother cannot force you to keep seeing him.

She can think you are partners all she wants, what does it matter. Her giving him a duffel bag or putting up signs in the yard don’t hold power over you and your life decisions.
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 01:54 PM
  #22
That’s sad but not relevant. Break up already and get over it. Any contact outside of work is a no.

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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 03:08 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
He is a grown man. And you are not related to his mother so pressure she puts on him has no bearing on your life. It’s for him and her to sort out on their own

His mother cannot force you to keep seeing him.

She can think you are partners all she wants, what does it matter. Her giving him a duffel bag or putting up signs in the yard don’t hold power over you and your life decisions.

Actually I was talking about pressure she put on me which is why I stopped going over there and part of why I don’t want to date him anymore. He wasn’t protecting me from her, he was forcing me to interact with her. Something I didn’t mention is he would make me say hello to her as soon as I got there regardless of how I was feeling. I told him his driving was making me sick and I needed to go for a walk after we got there instead of greet her and he would tell me how her feelings were hurt. So it wasn’t just the drinking and smoking and other differences.

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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 03:35 PM
  #24
I personally think greeting someone as soon as you arrive to their house is a reasonable expectation. I don’t think that saying “hello” to the host is unusual request. Do you find it unreasonable?

Having said that, I don’t blame you not wanting to go there. I wouldn’t either. One thing if it was his house and mom lived there due to advanced age. Entirely different thing if if it’s her house. I’d rather stay in my own place or go on dates in neutral places

If she puts a pressure on you, it’s unpleasant. But if you don’t go there, it should not effect you at this point. Not a reason to not break up. If you want to end, just end it. No point in dragging it
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 03:40 PM
  #25
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I personally think greeting someone as soon as you arrive to their house is a reasonable expectation. I don’t think that saying “hello” to the host is unusual request. Do you find it unreasonable?

Having said that, I don’t blame you not wanting to go there. I wouldn’t either. One thing if it was his house and mom lived there due to advanced age. Entirely different thing if if it’s her house. I’d rather stay in my own place or go on dates in neutral places

If she puts a pressure on you, it’s unpleasant. But if you don’t go there, it should not effect you at this point. Not a reason to not break up. If you want to end, just end it. No point in dragging it

She’s 72 and plays tennis not advanced age . And it’s not necessary to go upstairs to get downstairs , one could even go through the garage. If he was a tenant he wouldn’t be going upstairs into her den to say hello much less make his girlfriend greet his mother every time he pulls up regardless of how car sick his driving makes her feel .

Yeah his mom asked him why we weren’t exchanging sleep overs anymore .
That’s not dating but that’s how he conducted his relationships.
And then when it comes to dating he’s sober and I’m not.
Thank you for clarifying .
Like we’re not living together .

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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 04:06 PM
  #26
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Originally Posted by leomama View Post
She’s 72 and plays tennis not advanced age . And it’s not necessary to go upstairs to get downstairs , one could even go through the garage. If he was a tenant he wouldn’t be going upstairs into her den to say hello much less make his girlfriend greet his mother every time he pulls up regardless of how car sick his driving makes her feel .

Yeah his mom asked him why we weren’t exchanging sleep overs anymore .
That’s not dating but that’s how he conducted his relationships.
And then when it comes to dating he’s sober and I’m not.
Thank you for clarifying .
Like we’re not living together .

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Yeah going upstairs to say hello the minute you arrive is unnecessary. That is not reasonable. It’s not like she is at the door. Thanks for clarifying.

He IS sober? You said he is but then you said he is not, now he is again. Is he confusing you about his sobriety or something else is happening?
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 04:15 PM
  #27
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Yeah going upstairs to say hello the minute you arrive is unnecessary. That is not reasonable. It’s not like she is at the door. Thanks for clarifying.

He IS sober? You said he is but then you said he is not, now he is again. Is he confusing you about his sobriety or something else is happening?

No he is not sober, I am, I gave up 17 years of sobriety from marijuana for him. I think using marijuana triggered a manic episode that I’m having a hard time coming down from which I’ll post about in the bipolar forum. I don’t know what’s going on with me. He is definitely not at all sober in any way shape or form. He says he cut down his drinking , that’s all I said.
Oh and sometimes she is at the top of the stairs when he comes home, I told him go in through the garage. That’s his problem not mine. I should’ve posted about that a long time ago when it first happened but I couldn’t drive away so I was stuck. We’ve been arguing about his mom since the honeymoon phase ended. He puts her emotional well-being ahead of mine which is why I stopped going over there. Today when I told him using marijuana triggered a manic episode I was met with silence followed by telling me the cats he was house sitting were fighting. Like he asked if he could spend the night tomorrow and I was like I don’t want to sit at my dining room table and watch you drink.
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 06:18 PM
  #28
There is nothing to negotiate. By negotiating instead of enforcing your (strong) boundary (i.e. "no") all you are showing him is that you can be pushed around. No wonder he won't let you go. He thinks he can get what he wants and you will capitulate.

PS: And were you dating him or was his mother dating him?! It's none of her business what you decide for your personal relationship. Why let these people (ex-bf, ex-bf's mother) push you around? Stand your ground. No means 'no'.
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 06:29 PM
  #29
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No he is not sober, I am, I gave up 17 years of sobriety from marijuana for him. I think using marijuana triggered a manic episode that I’m having a hard time coming down from which I’ll post about in the bipolar forum. I don’t know what’s going on with me. He is definitely not at all sober in any way shape or form. He says he cut down his drinking , that’s all I said.
Oh and sometimes she is at the top of the stairs when he comes home, I told him go in through the garage. That’s his problem not mine. I should’ve posted about that a long time ago when it first happened but I couldn’t drive away so I was stuck. We’ve been arguing about his mom since the honeymoon phase ended. He puts her emotional well-being ahead of mine which is why I stopped going over there. Today when I told him using marijuana triggered a manic episode I was met with silence followed by telling me the cats he was house sitting were fighting. Like he asked if he could spend the night tomorrow and I was like I don’t want to sit at my dining room table and watch you drink.
Oh I think I got what you mean now. When you say “he is sober and I am not”, you mean he says that/it’s his perception. When in reality he isn’t sober at all. I thought I was losing my mind. You keep saying he is sober and then he isn’t ugh lol I see now what you mean

If you are breaking up, there is no reason for him to come over.
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 06:34 PM
  #30
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Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
There is nothing to negotiate. By negotiating instead of enforcing your (strong) boundary (i.e. "no") all you are showing him is that you can be pushed around. No wonder he won't let you go. He thinks he can get what he wants and you will capitulate.

PS: And were you dating him or was his mother dating him?! It's none of her business what you decide for your personal relationship. Why let these people (ex-bf, ex-bf's mother) push you around? Stand your ground. No means 'no'.

This reminds me of when I was breaking up with my ex fiancé the first time cause he hadn’t filed for divorce after 3 years.

You’re not the first person to ask if I was also dating his mother.

I’d been telling him for 1 year it was triggering to have to greet his mom first thing when I got to her house and nothing changed . Instead of standing up for me he’d continue to tell me how her feelings were hurt because I wasn’t paying attention to her .

I’m looking for a man to improve my life not make it worse , I have enough challenges as it is.

I’ve noticed you never post and you have nothing identifying on your profile .
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 06:39 PM
  #31
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Oh I think I got what you mean now. When you say “he is sober and I am not”, you mean he says that/it’s his perception. When in reality he isn’t sober at all. I thought I was losing my mind. You keep saying he is sober and then he isn’t ugh lol I see now what you mean

If you are breaking up, there is no reason for him to come over.

Sorry I had a dyslexic moment . He’s not sober I am. Like he has no desire to be sober . He has a desire to harm reduce , that’s not how I do things.

He’s not hearing me when I say I don’t want to hang out with him when he’s not sober so I just let it go. If he asks again I’ll repeat myself . I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s not sober, it’s not good for my mental health. (Or someone who lives with his mom but that’s a different issue). He’s like this is sudden however we’ve been talking about this from the beginning. He drinks, he smokes, he uses marijuana, he doesn’t believe in God, therapy or medication. It’s not a match. He thinks I’m just pointing out all his faults. I’m saying he can’t support me .
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 06:54 PM
  #32
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Sorry I had a dyslexic moment . He’s not sober I am. Like he has no desire to be sober . He has a desire to harm reduce , that’s not how I do things.

He’s not hearing me when I say I don’t want to hang out with him when he’s not sober so I just let it go. If he asks again I’ll repeat myself . I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s not sober, it’s not good for my mental health. (Or someone who lives with his mom but that’s a different issue). He’s like this is sudden however we’ve been talking about this from the beginning. He drinks, he smokes, he uses marijuana, he doesn’t believe in God, therapy or medication. It’s not a match. He thinks I’m just pointing out all his faults. I’m saying he can’t support me .
I was in a relationship with alcoholic. He insisted because he is highly functioning like gainfully employed and has a nice life on surface, his drinking should not bother me. Please. How can it not bother people? He’d try to quit but never really made a serious effort do he always relapsed. It was hard to end because he also believed I am just pointing his flaws and finding things wrong with him. No I was just saying since he couldn’t stay sober, I couldn’t stay with him

I am married to a man now who doesn’t touch any mind altering substances and what a difference. It’s a blessing.

I hope you can get rid of him
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 07:12 PM
  #33
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I was in a relationship with alcoholic. He insisted because he is highly functioning like gainfully employed and has a nice life on surface, his drinking should not bother me. Please. How can it not bother people? He’d try to quit but never really made a serious effort do he always relapsed. It was hard to end because he also believed I am just pointing his flaws and finding things wrong with him. No I was just saying since he couldn’t stay sober, I couldn’t stay with him

I am married to a man now who doesn’t touch any mind altering substances and what a difference. It’s a blessing.

I hope you can get rid of him

Yeah sounds bout right. Since my bf hasn’t made an effort to get sober only reduce his drinking I can simply say I’m sorry, I want to be sober, and I don’t want to date someone who’s not sober. I know it’s a change however before I met you I was not drinking . Like literally I changed for him, and not in a good way. He’s like his choices shouldn’t affect me but he really doesn’t get how relationships work. This is my third relationship I’ve ended as an adult.
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 08:11 PM
  #34
You are ending them for a reason. No need to waste your time if you know it’s not what you need.

It’s easy for him to say that his choices shouldn’t effect you.

Well if he is under influence after 5pm (or whatever time he starts) and is unable to drive somewhere in case of emergency, cannot attend important events, cannot be available for whatever situations might occur, then sure it effects the other person! And not in a good way.
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Default Jun 14, 2021 at 08:20 PM
  #35
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You are ending them for a reason. No need to waste your time if you know it’s not what you need.

It’s easy for him to say that his choices shouldn’t effect you.

Well if he is under influence after 5pm (or whatever time he starts) and is unable to drive somewhere in case of emergency, cannot attend important events, cannot be available for whatever situations might occur, then sure it effects the other person! And not in a good way.

He drinks in such a way that it doesn’t affect his ability to drive. He calculates his drinking. I’ve never seen him drunk, but I can tell when he’s under the influence of marijuana . Regardless not someone that’s appropriate for me .

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