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Legendary Wise Elder
divine1966
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
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#21
Quote:
His mother cannot force you to keep seeing him. She can think you are partners all she wants, what does it matter. Her giving him a duffel bag or putting up signs in the yard don’t hold power over you and your life decisions. |
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leomama, mssweatypalms
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Crone
Nammu
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Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
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#22
That’s sad but not relevant. Break up already and get over it. Any contact outside of work is a no.
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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leomama
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Grand Magnate
leomama
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Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: USA
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#23
Quote:
Actually I was talking about pressure she put on me which is why I stopped going over there and part of why I don’t want to date him anymore. He wasn’t protecting me from her, he was forcing me to interact with her. Something I didn’t mention is he would make me say hello to her as soon as I got there regardless of how I was feeling. I told him his driving was making me sick and I needed to go for a walk after we got there instead of greet her and he would tell me how her feelings were hurt. So it wasn’t just the drinking and smoking and other differences. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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Legendary Wise Elder
divine1966
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
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#24
I personally think greeting someone as soon as you arrive to their house is a reasonable expectation. I don’t think that saying “hello” to the host is unusual request. Do you find it unreasonable?
Having said that, I don’t blame you not wanting to go there. I wouldn’t either. One thing if it was his house and mom lived there due to advanced age. Entirely different thing if if it’s her house. I’d rather stay in my own place or go on dates in neutral places If she puts a pressure on you, it’s unpleasant. But if you don’t go there, it should not effect you at this point. Not a reason to not break up. If you want to end, just end it. No point in dragging it |
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leomama
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Grand Magnate
leomama
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Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: USA
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#25
Quote:
She’s 72 and plays tennis not advanced age . And it’s not necessary to go upstairs to get downstairs , one could even go through the garage. If he was a tenant he wouldn’t be going upstairs into her den to say hello much less make his girlfriend greet his mother every time he pulls up regardless of how car sick his driving makes her feel . Yeah his mom asked him why we weren’t exchanging sleep overs anymore . That’s not dating but that’s how he conducted his relationships. And then when it comes to dating he’s sober and I’m not. Thank you for clarifying . Like we’re not living together . Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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Legendary Wise Elder
divine1966
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
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#26
Quote:
He IS sober? You said he is but then you said he is not, now he is again. Is he confusing you about his sobriety or something else is happening? |
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leomama
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Grand Magnate
leomama
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Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: USA
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#27
Quote:
No he is not sober, I am, I gave up 17 years of sobriety from marijuana for him. I think using marijuana triggered a manic episode that I’m having a hard time coming down from which I’ll post about in the bipolar forum. I don’t know what’s going on with me. He is definitely not at all sober in any way shape or form. He says he cut down his drinking , that’s all I said. Oh and sometimes she is at the top of the stairs when he comes home, I told him go in through the garage. That’s his problem not mine. I should’ve posted about that a long time ago when it first happened but I couldn’t drive away so I was stuck. We’ve been arguing about his mom since the honeymoon phase ended. He puts her emotional well-being ahead of mine which is why I stopped going over there. Today when I told him using marijuana triggered a manic episode I was met with silence followed by telling me the cats he was house sitting were fighting. Like he asked if he could spend the night tomorrow and I was like I don’t want to sit at my dining room table and watch you drink. |
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Magnate
Rive.
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Member Since: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,002
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#28
There is nothing to negotiate. By negotiating instead of enforcing your (strong) boundary (i.e. "no") all you are showing him is that you can be pushed around. No wonder he won't let you go. He thinks he can get what he wants and you will capitulate.
PS: And were you dating him or was his mother dating him?! It's none of her business what you decide for your personal relationship. Why let these people (ex-bf, ex-bf's mother) push you around? Stand your ground. No means 'no'. |
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leomama
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Legendary Wise Elder
divine1966
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
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#29
Quote:
If you are breaking up, there is no reason for him to come over. |
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leomama
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Grand Magnate
leomama
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Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: USA
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#30
Quote:
This reminds me of when I was breaking up with my ex fiancé the first time cause he hadn’t filed for divorce after 3 years. You’re not the first person to ask if I was also dating his mother. I’d been telling him for 1 year it was triggering to have to greet his mom first thing when I got to her house and nothing changed . Instead of standing up for me he’d continue to tell me how her feelings were hurt because I wasn’t paying attention to her . I’m looking for a man to improve my life not make it worse , I have enough challenges as it is. I’ve noticed you never post and you have nothing identifying on your profile . |
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Grand Magnate
leomama
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Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: USA
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#31
Quote:
Sorry I had a dyslexic moment . He’s not sober I am. Like he has no desire to be sober . He has a desire to harm reduce , that’s not how I do things. He’s not hearing me when I say I don’t want to hang out with him when he’s not sober so I just let it go. If he asks again I’ll repeat myself . I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s not sober, it’s not good for my mental health. (Or someone who lives with his mom but that’s a different issue). He’s like this is sudden however we’ve been talking about this from the beginning. He drinks, he smokes, he uses marijuana, he doesn’t believe in God, therapy or medication. It’s not a match. He thinks I’m just pointing out all his faults. I’m saying he can’t support me . |
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Legendary Wise Elder
divine1966
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
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#32
Quote:
I am married to a man now who doesn’t touch any mind altering substances and what a difference. It’s a blessing. I hope you can get rid of him |
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leomama
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Grand Magnate
leomama
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Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 4,703
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#33
Quote:
Yeah sounds bout right. Since my bf hasn’t made an effort to get sober only reduce his drinking I can simply say I’m sorry, I want to be sober, and I don’t want to date someone who’s not sober. I know it’s a change however before I met you I was not drinking . Like literally I changed for him, and not in a good way. He’s like his choices shouldn’t affect me but he really doesn’t get how relationships work. This is my third relationship I’ve ended as an adult. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
divine1966
Tired!!!
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303
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1,274 hugs
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#34
You are ending them for a reason. No need to waste your time if you know it’s not what you need.
It’s easy for him to say that his choices shouldn’t effect you. Well if he is under influence after 5pm (or whatever time he starts) and is unable to drive somewhere in case of emergency, cannot attend important events, cannot be available for whatever situations might occur, then sure it effects the other person! And not in a good way. |
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leomama
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Grand Magnate
leomama
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Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 4,703
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#35
Quote:
He drinks in such a way that it doesn’t affect his ability to drive. He calculates his drinking. I’ve never seen him drunk, but I can tell when he’s under the influence of marijuana . Regardless not someone that’s appropriate for me . Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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