Am I A Terrible Person?

I did not know about DBT before. I'll definitely look into it. Anything that can help us communicate better. Thank you for the suggestion.

My God! What you have described is exactly how my sister behaves! I don't wish to insult her but this is eerily accurate. I am grateful to you for putting things so plainly. I knew something was off kilter but now I can put the finger on it. I think I'll be better equipped to deal with her when she visits today. Already my anxiety level has gone down a notch.

I guess I need to be more mindful. I can start out by having a stern talk, setting boundaries etc etc. But a couple of days down the line things will tend to slide back to how they were. That's where the real danger lies. Oh well.

Thank you for your reply and you are absolutely correct. I need to take responsibility for my part in this dynamic. A lot of you have suggested DBT and I will look into it. Anything that will help me maintain a (as far as possible) healthy relationship with her.

The person you need to have a stern talk with is yourself. Whatever you say to her will go in one ear and out the other. You don't establish a boundary by proclamation. Instead, you simply start defending against her intrusions. She'll figure it out. I'm sure she's a dear soul 😁, but think of her as a puppy . . . or a toddler who hasn't learned English yet. When she starts pawing you, press her arms back to her side and say, "Sis, we're going to be a little less touchy-feely."

I once watched a pretty nurse speaking with an elderly male patient who was getting ready to "cop a feel." She cupped his elbows in what seemed like a sweet gesture, but it gave her control of his arms and hands. I can't really illustrate that adequately, but you can experiment and find what works. Nurses often deal with patients who want to plant a kiss, or pat a butt. They learn how to deflect those advances, without saying a word. You start to "claim your space and own your space."

Once you change your mindset, you'll figure out ways to stop her intrusiveness - whether physical or otherwise. She'll adapt . . . but she'll keep testing you. Good luck. You can do it.

Thank you, your suggestions are very helpful. Since you have been so understanding I'd like to ask you something further. In the past I have tried to stop the touchy feely behaviour. But then my sister told me that her love language is 'physical affection', and she won't feel loved unless I demonstrate through hugs and kisses. Do you know anything about it? Is that the only way some people feel loved? I am not trying to justify her behaviour, I am just requesting some clarity so I can understand things better.

Britedark, you are not a terrible person!

Rose76 is right when suggesting "claim your space and own your space". Some people feel they have to hug and kiss everything that moves. It may be a need to be loved. Or, to make up for a lack of demonstrative love when they were younger.

In your situation, you are responsible for setting and reinforcing the boundaries. Unfortunately you will need large measures of perseverance and patience. You may also feel guilty as she's your sister. Suppose you could call it "tough love".

Not adding anything to the already excellent contributions, other than to wish you luck.

I personally would have hard time directly saying NO and asking people to back off, but I’d make myself unavailable. Like if a sibling called me now to come over, sorry I am not available. If you only see her once a month then maybe you can even handle her hugs and kisses. Limit how often you see her

Remember the dogs and the puppies. Their natural way of bonding is to roll around on the ground together. With no training, any dog you get will do the same with you - jumping up, paws all over you, tongue all over your face, dive into your lap and roll around. Some people allow that and even like it. But, according to every trainer of canines, you can refuse to allow your dog to be that exuberant. You can require your pooch to not jump on you, and it will in no way cause Fido to think you hate him. Actually, your dog will have more respect for you. If you take Fido for walks, praise him, and give him the occasional treat, he will bond to you.

I forget if you said your sister was married. She has a right to physical touchiness from her spouse, or S.O. She can have that style of bonding with her kids. But think of her as "somebody else's dog." It is not your responsibility to provide her with constant belly rubs and endless scratches behind the ear. She has, or needs to find, a "partner" to meet her need for that stuff. I love all dogs, even other people's dogs. They usually like me a lot too. But I don't roll around on the carpet with my neighbor's pooch the way I might gladly do with my own. I don't allow my guest's dog to keep jumping into my lap.

She is being manipulative by telling you those things. That's like a guy on the first date saying, "I won't believe you like me, unless I can reach inside your blouse." Nonsense! She is just trying to obliterate any boundaries between you and her. What she does is aggressive, not affectionate. She needs "retraining."

You can read more about it here and elsewhere online:

The Five Love Languages - Wikipedia

What your sister is saying, though, is a misuse of that concept. Having a certain "love language" does not give anyone the right provoke distress, anxiety, suffocation in those that they love. If you don't want the physical touch that she wants, then it is not an act or expression of love to pressure or guilt you into doing it.

If okay, let us know how things go/went today!

Thank you so much for your kind reply. Every little bit of support helps.

Thank you, I will keep your advice in mind. Since I don't want to cut my sister out of my life, the better choice is to enforce boundaries. To answer your question, my sister is married.

Bit early in the day but already my sister is complaining about the lack of affection. She has complained to our mom and mom has called me to ask why I am being rude all of a sudden. I will post an update tomorrow. A big thank you to everyone for being there. Your advice has been very helpful, now it's time for me to follow it.

Wow! This is way worse than I even inferred from all you've shared. A grown, married woman is calling Mom because "Sis-sis won't hug me enough?" So now we've got triangulation going on? This family dynamic is way, way sicker than I grasped. DO NOT let these two women make you crazy.

Wow - they really are determined. This is emotional tyranny. That sister of yours is some piece of work. And Mom probably fueled this sick stuff starting way, way back. You're going to have to stop idealizing your sister as this loving, good-hearted person and recognize how truly wicked she is capable of being, whenever you dare to not give her exactly what she wants.

I'm not saying you shouldn't love your sister. But she's got an evil streak that must not be indulged. It's time for you to get very serious about refusing to be controlled by Sis and by Mom. You may need some professional counseling to get through the fight you have ahead if you. These women play for keeps. They figured out that you are so afraid of being labeled as a meany that you will cave in to their demands to avoid them criticizing you. If push comes to shove, you may have to disengage from them for a period of time . . . for as long as it takes.

Sis-sis wants to own you. Do not give up ownership of yourself. You are in really grave danger of damaging your soul through this family toxicity. I'm not trying to be over-dramatic. This is serious.

Have you considered a compromise?
Ask her if the two of you can meet halfway. You get more hugs than you might like, and she gets less than she might like.
If you're both open to that, it might help keep the peace.

Thank you so much for your advice. I took it and after an initial conflict things have smoothed down.

This is also to provide a general update. I talked to my sister about age appropriate behaviour. We have decided that for now we will dial down the physical affection and she will also tone down her childish manners. But we have also agreed that the whole dynamic can't change overnight. It will be a work in progress and I'll need to be vigilant that we don't slide back into our familiar roles. Thank you (all of you) for your solid support. Sharing my problem with you was a very good idea and I am really happy we had this discussion. It helped clarify a lot of things. Sending you loads of good vibes. Stay safe and healthy.

Hi Britedark,
I'm new here and just posted something somewhat similar. My younger sister also sometimes suffocates me with her emotions, while showing no emotional availability to me. We also more or less have the same age as you and your sister. Freel free (if possible) to contact me privately, it might be interesting to chat and maybe we can help each other! I hope her visit went ok.

Update: My relationship with my sister has improved a lot. We had a talk about what I found to be problematic about her behaviour. She was surprisingly receptive to it. Perhaps because she is making progress in therapy. But I believe a lot of it was because of you guys and your very constructive advice. Thanks to you I could put a finger on the exact problem, rather than talking about vague irritations, which probably came across to her as accusatory. I recently spent a whole weekend with her without feeling the least bit suffocated. Just like old times.

Again, thank you very much for giving me your time and thought.

So great to hear! Thanks for making my day!