advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Bill3
Legendary
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,923
15 yr Member
24.1k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 19, 2021 at 09:33 AM
  #41
She keeps speaking about divorce.

What do you see as the pros and cons of divorce from the perspective of each member of the family?

Or is divorce not something that might be at all worth considering?
Bill3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
leomama

advertisement
RDMercer
Veteran Member
RDMercer has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 719
10 yr Member
44 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 19, 2021 at 11:44 AM
  #42
Just trying to stay hopeful for things to change.

Pros and cons....

Cons... Location will change. We live in a residential area outside of the city. Loss of income/splitting income will most likely mean she and I renting apartments.

I see that as being really stress inducing for the kids, including changing schools.

I have definitely reached points where all I could come up with was financial. I have definitely reached points when the relationship wasn't providing me with much, and if I could magically maintain my income, I wouldn't have been missing much. That really hurts to say or admit to anyone. I haven't revealed that before. Voicing it reduces my hope.

I'm hoping to regain or create an emotional connection, but my hope for that keeps slipping away.

A person can mistake a feeling of constant longing for love.

Pros..... I'd be forced to get to know myself. Overall, I think I'd have more time. The arguments and demands are time consuming each week. For the kids it would be like finally ripping the band aid off; just get it over with. They fear mom and me splitting. There is constant anxiety about that since years for them, I know. For my wife, I think she may flourish. I think she feels I've held her back. In the absence of having me to blame, she would be more forced to move forward, and I think she could.

Tough question Bill.

UPDATE - she agreed to pursue counselling with me. We actually got in tomorrow due to a cancellation, a Gottman CBT coach.

Last edited by RDMercer; Jul 19, 2021 at 12:03 PM..
RDMercer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, WovenGalaxy
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3, poshgirl, WovenGalaxy
poshgirl
Veteran Member
poshgirl has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 603
5 yr Member
229 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 19, 2021 at 12:22 PM
  #43
RDMercer

Firstly, can I say that I'm single and never experienced a situation like yours first hand. It's difficult to make any meaningful comments.

It may seem cruel to suggest that your wife actually wants a divorce and is not just saying it to upset you. Many years ago, I met a business associate whose wife had severe mental issues. He was lucky to have great professional support, where it was suggested that he file for divorce. He admitted it had been a very painful decision but ultimately the right one for himself and their three children.

Only you can decide, with or without professional help, whether you want to continue in this environment. Or, the frustration is too much to bear and you need to break out, to preserve your sanity. You still have a life to live.
poshgirl is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3
 
Thanks for this!
Britedark, Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 19, 2021 at 04:54 PM
  #44
Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer View Post

I'm hoping to regain or create an emotional connection, but my hope for that keeps slipping away.

A person can mistake a feeling of constant longing for love.
@RDMercer, how long has it been since an actual emotional connection was there? And not just for a fleeting moment or two? I mean, long-lasting? Has it been years?

And yes, I think you're mistaking constant longing for how things COULD be or SHOUlD be for actual feelings of love.

Seems to me it's lost on her side entirely, and for you, you're still holding onto hope.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
ArtleyWilkins
Magnate
ArtleyWilkins has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 2,786
5 yr Member
7 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jul 20, 2021 at 09:58 AM
  #45
Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer View Post
UPDATE - she agreed to pursue counselling with me. We actually got in tomorrow due to a cancellation, a Gottman CBT coach.
That's a start. At least you can discover whether this is a marriage worth fighting for. It could go either way, but I suspect you will at least feel like you have done what you can before you make a decision. I wish you the best.
ArtleyWilkins is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Alive99
Veteran Member
Alive99 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Hungary
Posts: 505
3 yr Member
172 hugs
given
Default Jul 21, 2021 at 01:36 PM
  #46
RDMercer,

I didn't read the whole thread yet, but as for your thread OP...

Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer View Post
She went through periods of true depression and I received a lot of verbal anger.

*I don't want to, or intend to speak poorly about her. I know she gave me 110% of the reserves she had, but she was tapped out for a long time., almost 10 years of crippling illness. I couldn't imagine the life she had. *

There were also things I really screwed up during these times. She DIDN'T get the emotional support from me she needed. I did the physical things that had to be done, but failed to look after her emotionally.
All this frankly sounds to me like you bought her self-absorbed narrative. A narrative, that focuses on her emotions, her feelings and ignores yours. Not good in my book.

Here's an alternative narrative:

She went through periods of depression where she did not seek professional help for it and expected you to play therapist too. She did not give you 110% of the reserves she had, because she was always more focused on her own comfort. Her illness was not comfortable but she could have had it far worse without your long-term and very fundamental support. You did not fail to look after her emotionally, because no one can realistically take care of their spouse if the spouse is depressed, because the person with the depression needs to take responsibility and go get professional help and improve themselves using these professional resources and not expect loved ones to do it all for them instead of they themselves doing the hard work of getting better psychologically and emotionally. You maybe can't imagine the life she had but that's a triviality, because we cannot totally be in the shoes of other people.

My advice. Don't buy into her drama and emotional exaggeration with dressed up adjectives for effect anymore. These words are dramatic, self-absorbed and you should stop buying into it:

- "true" depression
- "she gave me 110% of the reserves she had"
- "she was tapped out for a long time"
- "almost 10 years of crippling illness"
- "I couldn't imagine the life she had"



Quote:
I was emotionally unavailable to my wife, I KNOW, because you have to bottle your emotions to get through something like we went through.
Again, stop buying into her narrative on this. I highly doubt that you've been emotionally unavailable to her. You seem to have normal empathy skills. Stop letting her guilt trip you on points you seem less sure about. Your kids are giving you much better input than her. Much more reliable, objective, factual input that takes YOUR person into account too.

Instead of her self-absorbed drama, pay attention to actions. Pay attention not to her words but to her actions. Your course of action will be clear then.


Quote:
I, literally, cleared her throat and kept her from gagging on her tongue more than once, and went to every doctor appointment with her for years. You can't do that, and work, and be the Dad, and be emotional.

Now she is flowing with positivity and life for everyone else.

My lingering desire for validation is really wrecking us now. I've been so bottled up for so long I can't talk without flooding with everything.

RDMercer
No wonder that you can't talk without flooding with everything, reading the whole OP together and the rest of the thread (that I've read so far).
Alive99 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Britedark
 
Thanks for this!
Britedark, sadmanagain
Alive99
Veteran Member
Alive99 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Hungary
Posts: 505
3 yr Member
172 hugs
given
Default Jul 21, 2021 at 01:42 PM
  #47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I recall the rest of your story with your wife vividly. Sorry, but your wife is and always has been very selfish in this relationship. This is no different than before. You’ve told her in the past that you need more intimacy. She said you’re going to get what you get from her and no more.. She doesn’t want to give to you or to accommodate your needs. Selfish. At this stage I would divorce her. **** that. Who needs to be treated so poorly after all you’ve done for her. You’re her doormat to vomit all over. You’ve given and you’ve given in this relationship with very little return. Divorce.

Yup. Selfish. Nothing to do with depression, insecurities, or the like. None of that can be used to excuse her behaviour. It's plain selfish. I like your post on how to the point it is. Validates me too with regard to the very selfish friend too that I had.
Alive99 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
RDMercer
Veteran Member
RDMercer has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 719
10 yr Member
44 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 01, 2021 at 08:02 PM
  #48
Wow....

Glad I checked back here.

Thanks for that insight Alive99.

I actually thought I was going to emotionally break a few years back, because I was actually deeply trying to empathize to a point that I was sinking into a depression. I felt like I was sinking into her depression.

That's when I really put boundaries up.

Last year was when I started making requests and having expectations. That has created a lot of push back.

I'll be in touch
RDMercer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Alive99, poshgirl, WovenGalaxy
 
Thanks for this!
Alive99
witnessorange
New Member
witnessorange has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2021
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
2 yr Member
Default Sep 02, 2021 at 07:08 PM
  #49
I'm probably projecting here, but if you go back and replace "validation" with "support" does that still resonate?

I'm going to REALLY project here: My wife and I have been coping with depression/anxiety/trauma issues for over a decade, and I'm personally struggling with a lot of things because of it. One part is the ongoing inequality of supporting someone who isn't capable of equally emotionally and mentally supporting you back, while also supporting your family, AND supporting yourself. Its exhausting, you can't ever put that weight down, you hold everything up for everyone and you try to be the best person you can be. Every mistake you make, every time you're not patient or understanding, when you have your own emotions on bad days and say the wrong thing or something the wrong way, or don't say anything when you need to, and things fall apart around you and its so bad you become fearful of ever needing anything from anyone and turn inward. They do what they can, you can't fault them for their situation, its worse than your own and at first its what drives you to shoulder it and carry everything but eventually the resentment and anger builds, and as time goes on what support system you have bleeds away. You feel like you're crumbling, and you want someone you can lean on a bit, someone to say its ok, you've been doing great you can relax and take a breath, i've got you, i can support you, focus on your feelings, your struggles. I can help carry your weight for a little bit you've done it for so long for me.

And after all this time supporting her, she's getting better and you're left in some ways worse off, and to add to the inequality of it she's not offering you the support she's had for years.

I don't have answers but it sounded like you're looking for someone who understands your feelings and frustrations. I don't know if I do, but maybe we understand each other a bit in this.
witnessorange is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
sadmanagain
Nayr88
New Member
Nayr88 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2021
Location: Colorado
Posts: 2
2 yr Member
Default Oct 25, 2021 at 05:39 PM
  #50
You deserve an award for the support you’ve provided to your family and your wife. I can’t say I would’ve lasted that long with this level of neglect and narcissistic behavior. I too don’t believe your wife is that type of person in general. From what I’ve read it seems like everyone has hinted at good points and good suggestions. I was going to suggest writing what you want/need from her and have her read it to you. But the other guys writing suggestion seems more impactful for your situation. But here’s something similar to my struggle. The wife has been sick for years and hasn’t been able to leave the house on her own. Yes, codependency is probably really strong in her case, but also some cabin fever. Her comfort zone has shrunk to the perimeter of your house. Suggest her joining a fitness group (if her illness allows it) or some social outdoor group where she can expose herself to others outside the house she lives in.
I live abroad and have for a few years now, and my wife created a business working from home. Which is pretty amazing considering her situation. But is dealing with codependent issues, cabin fever, and this mindset that everything is my problem to solve. The biggest movement I get from her on these issues is: when she meets/hangs out with people with similar issues, and she realizes those issues in those people and asks me if she does those things. Fortunately she recognises them on her own, but that’s also key. Having them realize how bad they’re treating you, and if your wife is as good of a person who you think she is she will change (make an effort to atleast).
Wishing you the best man! Seriously give yourself a pat on the back or an air bro hug from me! I know your not perfect nor handled every situation great But holy cow, look at how far you’ve come as a result and know you didn’t leave her/give up/stop loving her.
Nayr88 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
RDMercer
Veteran Member
RDMercer has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 719
10 yr Member
44 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 26, 2021 at 07:16 PM
  #51
Well I stopped by to post a short vent. I can't believe this thread is still alive.

Holy..... Nayr88 and witnessorange you guys hit some points that are awfully close to home.

So, what's new around here?

She heard me about my concern about her massive time investments into her new best friends when me and the kids waited our turn for so long. She us feeling better and retured some energy here. She is clearly trying.

She is working PT.

She is still ill so while I'm glad she's working PT it has increased my workload at home. I'm also alone more with the kids in the evenjngs and I kind of like that.

She says I'm not enthusiastic enough about dating but time together is often just one more role to fulfill. I don't get much out of it.

That's pretty bad isn't it.

I'm with my kids a lot. I have a rare job with a lot of autonomy and a lot of responsibility. My kids have been to my office and work sites with me often.

We undertook a home renovation because we had to and because we needed the equity. I did all the work.

Today a female coworker spoke about how awesome her husband is because he fixed the dryer and how lost they'd be without him. Then someone asked about my house. I show pictures of staging set, power tools and cords on the ground and me and my oldest replacing the siding together.

Then I say me and youngest made supper for two nights and are getting ready for Halloween.

The first woman asked Does your wife apreciate this? Because she should. I hope she rewards you for all you do because you deserve it.

Awkward silence.

I actually didn't know some men have that, that clearly.

It left me feeling not very good.

RDM
RDMercer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3
poshgirl
Veteran Member
poshgirl has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 603
5 yr Member
229 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 28, 2021 at 04:02 AM
  #52
Welcome back RDM

Whilst it's good to hear some progress has been made, some of your comments concern me. She hears your concerns but then says you're not enthusiastic enough. Is she specific or is this just a criticism to deflect from her? As you say, that is bad. She can't or won't acknowledge how much of your time and energy has been used in helping her.

More time spent with your kids is good as it shows them you are a great person. Getting them involved in projects is also good. Your wife now works PT, so more is loaded onto you. So, her illness has improved if she is now able to do a job. Sorry to sound so cynical!

Although I had to read your co-worker's comment twice, I now understand what she means by rewarding you. Sadly, it seems your wife still cannot openly acknowledge your efforts. I realise you want more than a simple thank you, but that would go some way to making you feel loved and appreciated.
poshgirl is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
RDMercer
Veteran Member
RDMercer has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 719
10 yr Member
44 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Oct 28, 2021 at 10:00 AM
  #53
Well, I don't know what to say.

My son and I finished this big project. He's well into his teen years now with a PT job. He told me, You are my favorite person to work with Dad. You show me a lot, and we really work well together. I hope I get to live at home for a while after high school. I like it here.

We finished, and he was so proud of all we did that I had to remind myself to take pictures of him. Honestly, all I was thinking off was:
- We have to get materials picked up.
- I have to arrange for a clean up run to the landfill.
- I have to get inside and get started on supper.
- One of the kids has a test this week, so I need to think about homework.
- Oh my gosh, do they all have clean clothes for tomorrow?
- Both cars need work. I have to free up space in the garage as I'm cleaning up.

This project saved us thousands of dollars and built a ton of equity into our home. It was all done outside of my work responsibilities, using some of my vacation days, and working between 5pm and dark each day.

Yesterday after work it was; take a kid to meet friends at the park, take a kid grocery shopping with me, home to put stuff away, make supper, clean up, and do homework with the youngest until 9:30pm.

I'm just tired.

I've always felt there is no such thing as "men's work" and "women's work", there is only work. It doesn't matter who does it. This week when my coworker talked about what a "good man" her husband is, and the stuff they count on him for to look after in their home, and then she made that comment to me..... Well, it really floored me. I honestly never thought of shouldering responsibility as something that made someone more attractive or desireable to a partner. I just assumed it was what was done.

I see differences in my wife, especially in very recent months. At this point, things are more positive than in the past. I am getting small amounts of recognition I didn't before. In the past she was so deeply depressed that she told me it was difficult to thank me for all I did because it was a reminder to her of how little she was able to contribute.

While I understand that, I don't understand why she concurrently put me down for the things I wasn't able to keep up with at times.

Her PT job is several evenings a week, that is why I am one on one with the kids even more now. I know her health still isn't good. This is real. She doesn't do much around home outside of work at this time.

I'm pretty guarded these days. I'm not trying much when it comes to connection and dating. I really think I've earned it to be pursued a little. Even though things are better, I feel like they need to be better still, and better for quite a while. I was feeling like that before my co workers comment, but she really punctuated it.

ALSO.... My meeting happened over Zoom. I was sharing digital images of my work. This co worker lives in a different city. This was not a flirtatious comment she made.

Thanks,
RDM
RDMercer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, poshgirl
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3, poshgirl
RDMercer
Veteran Member
RDMercer has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 719
10 yr Member
44 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 15, 2022 at 11:23 AM
  #54
A number of you have followed this since a long while so I am posting something that just came to light.

Financially we aren't doing well. What's saved us was our early savings and huge deposit on our house. We've been borrowing money against the house for years now. We have about 4 months to refinance or sell and downgrade.

My wife is working very little. I've viewed her "take" on things as relentless optimism and strength. She IS going to finish her diploma. She IS going to work more for a higher wage. Etc. I've loved her resilience.

But it's reached a point that it is rather removed from reality. She's worked as little as 4 hours a week lately due to illness and isn't progressing in school much.

I haven't spoken to family about her in years because I had overshared too much and violated her trust in the past.

Yesterday I phoned an old friend, a distant cousin, 2000 miles away. I just needed to talk.

She asked:
Is she fatigued? Weight loss? Nausea and diarrhea that doesn't get better? Are her muscles weak? Does she socially distance herself? Is she just socially unaware sometimes? Does she have memory glitches? Are you the bad guy when that happens, like does she need a villain in her thinking? Does she seem to think slowly, like learning is extremely hard? Is she hypersensitive to sensory stuff? Does she have insomnia like crazy that doesn't improve with meds?

Finally she asked... Does she have days she just doesn't eat or eats very little? Does she drink 25 glasses of wine a week and take a lot of stomach meds?

Holy crap.... Yes! To all of them.

Cousin said, "Then she needs to be tested for a severe thiamine deficiency and B12 deficiency. That's B vitamin dementia. I hope it isn't permanent damage yet. My sister had permanent damage by the time she was 50."

This is big and scary and possibly good.

I have nowhere to share this. I'm just overwhelmed in so many ways.

RDM
RDMercer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, poshgirl
 
Thanks for this!
poshgirl
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 15, 2022 at 11:31 AM
  #55
If your wife has all those symptoms that your cousin asked about, has she seen and been examined by her doctor? Has she been tested? Blood tests? If that's what you suspect and if she hasn't seen her doctor about these symptoms, then she needs to go.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
RDMercer
Veteran Member
RDMercer has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 719
10 yr Member
44 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 15, 2022 at 11:49 AM
  #56
The thing is, one of the possible things with B vitamin dementia is the feeling of being persecuted and gaslit.

She has had some significant memory gaps in the past year that get explained away as me lying to her, etc. They were small. Infuriating, but small.

It's just in the past month I realized she couldn't put events from the last 2 years in chronological order, even though there were big markers.

A neighbor lost a spouse, had a kid graduate and sold their old home. We were there for support throughout, including the funeral, prepping the house for sale, moving day... My wife can't put those things in order and tells me I'm lying and trying to gaslight her, playing games and messing with her thinking when Ive said, "The dad died the year before the daughter graduated, not a few days before. They were in the new house last Christmas not the old house."

They're a few houses down. Our oldest is the same age. She can't sort this chronologically with our own kid's graduation as a time stamp.
RDMercer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, poshgirl
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,617 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 15, 2022 at 12:08 PM
  #57
It does you no good to try to diagnose her yourselves. She needs to see a doctor, and conversations need to happen with her around what you suspect. Hopefully, you can speak with her about these symptoms and get her to agree that she needs to be evaluated.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3, Discombobulated
poshgirl
Veteran Member
poshgirl has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 603
5 yr Member
229 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 18, 2022 at 11:21 AM
  #58
Yes, she does need to see a doctor and quick!

Vitamin deficiencies can manifest themselves in many different ways. As can dehydration, infections (water, chest, etc). Memory problems are often (wrongly) associated with dementia.

Wishing you luck and please report back
poshgirl is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 18, 2022 at 11:35 AM
  #59
Remembering events in neighbors’ lives wouldn’t be an indication of anything for me. I certainly wouldn’t engage in arguments about it. Not important.

Her other behaviors are concerning though. But it doesn’t sound as anything new. She does need to see a doctor. If she is as sick as she says she is and is unable to work or go to school or even do much around, she must be on disability. She can’t be just laying around if she is that sick. She must be in treatment and contribute with disability check
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Bill3
ArmorPlate108
Member
 
ArmorPlate108's Avatar
ArmorPlate108 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2022
Location: In the west
Posts: 386
2 yr Member
927 hugs
given
Default Jun 19, 2022 at 02:00 PM
  #60
Wow. I could have written a great deal of this thread. I am wife to someone with very similar behaviors/issues. He is working still, but I fear he is having a lot more trouble at work than he admits to (and he is having trouble).

He had some health issues in the past that caused them to send him directly to brain MRI when he finally would go to the doctor. Brain MRI showed nothing structurally wrong. He couldn't pass the basic Neuro tests, but had low B12. Doctor said it wasn't bad but suggested he take megadose B12 for a year. Two weeks later he hopped into a sort of hypomanic phase (not unusual for him, but he can't see it), declared he was fine and that I'm the problem, stopped taking it. Honestly, I don't think the B12 is his only problem- if it's a problem at all. I think he's probably got a comorbity situation going on. Even with the neuro issues, since he still goes to work, they aren't interested in looking any further for issues. He did finally start going to therapy.

One thing that stood out in your posts was your inability to have a conversation with her without it getting turned around on you. None of my needs have been met in the past few years, and my viewpoint is not ever seen during conversations. Instead, the whole thing gets turned around that I am insulting him and tearing him down. Always ends with his anger blamed on something he perceived I did. I think I'm going to have to stop talking to him for the most part. It's counterproductive. I've looked at grey rocking- which someone else mentioned. I do it to some extent to get through, but with him, if I do it indefinitely, he takes that as a sign that everything is fine. As long as everyone always agrees with him and doesn't counter him, everything is fine.

It's Sunday right now and he's been stonewalling dd and myself since Friday. He comes across as very manipulative. The other day he had a fit and then locked himself in the master bedroom. Our teenage dd said, "if he wants to act like a spoiled brat, let him have a time out.". Which is how we handle these things- as if he is a child. Don't reward the bad behavior.

Funny thing, and maybe you can think about this in regard to your wife, the things he does are what he's always done to some extent. Parts of his personality are missing now (the fun and joyful parts), but he's always had an underlying "jerk" streak, though it use to be countered by the nicer parts of him, kwim? He always used the silent treatment against me to some extent, knowing it's painful, but it wasn't used for days on end, and he would acknowledge it and apologize back then. It's like he cared then, and is unable to care now.

Are you familiar with borderline personality? Maybe someone already mentioned it? I think this is my DH and learning about it has given me more tools. I think he was probably high functioning bpd, and I played along unknowingly for years before growing to a new place where I outgrew those dramatic situations. He did definitely get worse too. Did your wife get worse after the kids came? My DH did. Bpd is often associated with childhood trauma (which he undoubtedly has) and I wonder if our dd going through age appropriate stages was triggering for him and made things worse.

Some days I think he's on the bipolar scale, some days I think he has a form of dementia that begins with the behavioral centers of the brain (bvftd), but honestly, I just don't know and am at the point of not caring. He talks to a counselor once a week and a psychiatrist every few months, but I don't know what he tells them and don't think they are getting the big picture. He use to be very different, very kind, and they have no idea how much he's changed. Maybe it doesn't matter.

One diagnosis that's certain in our house is my sickness of codependency. Someone else mentioned that here. Doing codependency work on myself has been the most helpful thing, and the only real thing within my control. It's helped me detach from him, make him responsible for his own stuff, and also taught me to do a better job of taking care of myself. Didn't realize how little I took care of myself while enabling him and trying to raise our dd. I barely know myself anymore.

Honestly, if I could afford to walk away today, I would. But I can't. Financially I don't have options, and having an underage kid worries me, though less now than when she was younger. She understands more and I worry less and less about his family trying to take her away from me at this point. But anyhow, I pray a lot, spend time with my kid and do codependency work. Nothing's changed with him except that I don't waste as much time and don't beat myself up as much.

Sorry this got long. Maybe there are some helpful nuggets in there. Your posts made me feel much less alone today.

I feel for you, RD...
ArmorPlate108 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Discombobulated
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:22 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.