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Old 07-20-2021, 03:12 PM   #21
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I've been there - I doubt my place here too sometimes.

I'm glad you're here leomama.

Thanks woven galaxy, I know Iím helpful to some, after all this is a microcosm of the macrocosm. Same groups here as off line.
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Old 07-20-2021, 03:13 PM   #22
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Thanks woven galaxy, I know Iím helpful to some, after all this is a microcosm of the macrocosm. Same groups here as off line.

So true.
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Old 07-20-2021, 08:53 PM   #23
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He responded in a (what I perceive as) hurtful way. Pretty much said goodbye to me. It hurts, but I don't want friends who are hurtful.

Said he wished me well and stuff but it was very final sounding and I don't have the energy to correct him.
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Old 07-20-2021, 09:10 PM   #24
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He responded in a (what I perceive as) hurtful way. Pretty much said goodbye to me. It hurts, but I don't want friends who are hurtful.

Said he wished me well and stuff but it was very final sounding and I don't have the energy to correct him.

I would just let it go, that sounds like too much work .
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Old 07-21-2021, 03:14 PM   #25
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He responded in a (what I perceive as) hurtful way. Pretty much said goodbye to me. It hurts, but I don't want friends who are hurtful.

Said he wished me well and stuff but it was very final sounding and I don't have the energy to correct him.
I personally think that you were wise to do that. Yes rejections hurt whether it's being done to you or you reject someone. There tends to be guilt in rejecting someone. It's a real drag to hang on to someone who pulls you down emotionally. Good many people are not like that.

I'm in the same position myself, which is why I can relate. With me, my friend is the only one I have, so that makes it very hard to get rid of him. He wants to keep it going no matter what. I could get rid of him very easily if there were other people to be friends with. I've had friends in the past but never someone like him who criticizes so much.

Maybe some of your friends might tell you that you should hang on and that no one's perfect. At least that's what I've been advised by my sister about my friend. It's easy to make suggestions at something like that than to go through it themselves.

I think that you will feel much better in the future.
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Old 07-21-2021, 05:27 PM   #26
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I think that you will feel much better in the future.
I agree.
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Old 07-21-2021, 09:43 PM   #27
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I want to distance myself greatly, from a friend. I'm not sure if I want to completely cut it off at this point. I just know that every conversation, every communication we have lately, he says hurtful things to me that affect me. He does not mean to be hurtful. But he is. And my needs in the friendship are not getting met. There have been lots of times he just says things, that are...really hurtful. Yes, I've tried talking to him. Multiple times. The thing is, he's not going to change, because it keeps happening over and over, and I feel that if I bring things up that upset me, each time he says something that hurts me, he will get angry and feel like I'm a nag. He has said certain things in the past that made me feel that way as well.


I recognize that I am sensitive, and easily swayed, and some of these things he says probably would not bother some other people. But they bother me. And I'm sick of apologizing for who I am, how I'm affected, and my biological make-up.


Here's some of the things I've been really hurt by:


1.) I told him about an interview I had coming up and a senior companion / caregiver. He was extremely discouraging in a way that was not solicited. I wasn't asking him. But he said "how much responsibility do you want?" It was clearly about him and his own preferences and I think it was projection. But it really also made me doubt myself and the job.

2.) He called me ugly. He was trying to make a point about something else and used my looks as an example. Yes, it was ****ed up. And the way he thinks is ****ed up. I called him out about it. But I was also "really concerned about his feelings" because I figured he would get mad at me. He doesn't like being criticized. I recognize how ****ed up this is.


There's a lot of other things but you know what? I'm not going to write them all out. I'm done. I'm just not sure how to do this. Like how to end it. I honestly may text him.

Note: he's extremely pushy in his opinions, talks to me like he's a teacher (he tries to impress with his knowledge) and he talks a lot...


The last exchange we had, was him texting me saying hi, and saying all the stuff he's doing, and I responded with a "hi back," a "good to hear from you," and all the stuff I'm doing, and he responded "sounds exhausting! lolol" He did also say he was glad that I was having fun. I don't know why this **** bothers me but it does. Maybe he just is not the right friend for me. Maybe it was the straw that broke my back. HE is the one who is exhausting. I've been wanting to distance myself for about a week - since he said the discouraging things about my interview.


We have been very close in the past (we have been friends for about 2 years now, and these are not just issues that have come up only recently, they've been there a while), and I care about him a lot. When we talk on the phone, it usually lasts an hour or two. But I can't do this anymore. I need to protect myself.


I think I will be direct. Either in a text, or by phone. I want to say it in a way that reflects my integrity. I don't want to say something like "you have been hurtful to me a lot, and therefore I'm leaving our friendship." That would be almost like a punishment type thing, and I do not want him to feel like I'm punishing him.


I will figure out a way to say it. But yeah. Input is welcome, just please don't criticize me for being sensitive / taking things certain ways. There is a small part of me, too, that wants to stay friends. I was thinking about him today, earlier, and thinking "I want to distance but stay friends." But I'm pretty done right now.

Iím a huge proponent of phone conversations for serious conversations. However if you feel like you will be hurt more or not heard a text is OK as well. Remember you owe it to yourself to have friends that reciprocate your feelings. Technically you donít owe him anything.

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Old 07-21-2021, 09:46 PM   #28
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Thank you for the support everyone. I think....ok so I talked to him today and we decided we would talk later bc I wasn't sure how to even go about talking about it but he knows I need to talk.


I am not sure, maybe staying friends right now is better, and just a bit of distance. I was really angry and upset earlier, and...I think it's important to recognize that he does not say this stuff on purpose to hurt my feelings. Even the ugly comment, which, he did not call me ugly, to be more transparent, he said I wasn't a bombshell / I'm average (therefore no one would worry about me as much if I were kidnapped - LOL he's kind of a weird conspiracy theorist but that's a messed up way to look at things but anyway), I think I just took it as I'm ugly, sorry for not saying that before, but anyway...

He HAS been there for me. A lot. And he doesn't say this stuff to be hurtful it's the way I'm taking it. but the thing is...I'm not going to change the way I take things and he's not going to stop saying things that are oblivious to how I might take them.


It might be good for me to talk to my therapist about this.

Iím not trying to tell you what to do or how to think, but I do feel like you are second-guessing your initial reactions. Itís good to take personal inventory when we think maybe we were wrong or too emotional but I donít think being emotional is any reason not to really feel the things that you feel. If he said hurtful things the intentions just donít matter. Iím emotional. I cry if Iím happy or sad depressed anything I cry so easily. Itís frustrating because sometimes people donít take me seriously. But when I am hurt and I feel things they are legitimate and need to be validated.

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Old 07-21-2021, 09:48 PM   #29
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I'm talking to my T about this this week. I know what I want though. I want to take a break from communication with him. I've been feeling weird about this because we ARE so close, and I HAVE leaned on him often in the last few months. I'm worried it will seem weird, to him, to someone, that now I want to be apart. Like maybe it makes me seem unstable / wishy washy. ? Maybe I should not care what he or anyone might think about that.


I think it's also important that I say...he values my friendship a lot. I value his too, but I'm sick of getting hurt every time we talk.


It's also important, I think to say this: when we talked, he mentioned that he feels bothered by things I do too, and struggles to say them. He said he thought this was how relationships / friendships are. I'm not so sure. I think friendships / relationships are varied there's many kinds, but if one person is unhappy and doesn't want it, that's ok. It's just really hard to say that to him.

I know somebody here (it was Britedark, Hi Britedark) said I can do it any way that fits my personality. I might text him after I talk with my t. I may give him the option, if he wants, to talk on the phone. But I honestly don't want to talk on the phone. It's too hard for me. And honestly, I wasn't sure if he was trying to be manipulative / hurtful when he said "you do things that bother me too." It worked.


Bottom line: it was hard to talk directly to him. I choked. But in my heart I know 2 things: we care about and like each other, he is not a good fit for friendship for me at this time.


I'm really struggling with thinking its weird that I want to distance myself. Is it weird? This all started after he said those discouraging things about my interview. But I have distanced myself from him before, honestly. Last summer I didn't talk to him for like 3-4 months.

Itís very hard to set boundaries and be direct especially with friendships. I know sobriety helped me learn how to do this. Iím not saying you have to have an addiction to learn this either LOL. But in the very beginning I used to lean on other women friends to support me for important conversations like this. In fact I was told a text is fine if a conversation will make you choke.

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Old 07-21-2021, 10:40 PM   #30
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Thank you for giving my thread some time and thought sarahsweets.

I'm going to have this thread closed. I feel I've come to a resolution / conclusion.

Yes I know some of these issues I brought up are things I will want to continue to work on.
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Old 07-21-2021, 11:18 PM   #31
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This thread is being closed at the OP's request.
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