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Old 07-17-2021, 01:02 PM   #1
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Default I think I need to end a friendship.

I want to distance myself greatly, from a friend. I'm not sure if I want to completely cut it off at this point. I just know that every conversation, every communication we have lately, he says hurtful things to me that affect me. He does not mean to be hurtful. But he is. And my needs in the friendship are not getting met. There have been lots of times he just says things, that are...really hurtful. Yes, I've tried talking to him. Multiple times. The thing is, he's not going to change, because it keeps happening over and over, and I feel that if I bring things up that upset me, each time he says something that hurts me, he will get angry and feel like I'm a nag. He has said certain things in the past that made me feel that way as well.


I recognize that I am sensitive, and easily swayed, and some of these things he says probably would not bother some other people. But they bother me. And I'm sick of apologizing for who I am, how I'm affected, and my biological make-up.


Here's some of the things I've been really hurt by:


1.) I told him about an interview I had coming up and a senior companion / caregiver. He was extremely discouraging in a way that was not solicited. I wasn't asking him. But he said "how much responsibility do you want?" It was clearly about him and his own preferences and I think it was projection. But it really also made me doubt myself and the job.

2.) He called me ugly. He was trying to make a point about something else and used my looks as an example. Yes, it was ****ed up. And the way he thinks is ****ed up. I called him out about it. But I was also "really concerned about his feelings" because I figured he would get mad at me. He doesn't like being criticized. I recognize how ****ed up this is.


There's a lot of other things but you know what? I'm not going to write them all out. I'm done. I'm just not sure how to do this. Like how to end it. I honestly may text him.

Note: he's extremely pushy in his opinions, talks to me like he's a teacher (he tries to impress with his knowledge) and he talks a lot...


The last exchange we had, was him texting me saying hi, and saying all the stuff he's doing, and I responded with a "hi back," a "good to hear from you," and all the stuff I'm doing, and he responded "sounds exhausting! lolol" He did also say he was glad that I was having fun. I don't know why this **** bothers me but it does. Maybe he just is not the right friend for me. Maybe it was the straw that broke my back. HE is the one who is exhausting. I've been wanting to distance myself for about a week - since he said the discouraging things about my interview.


We have been very close in the past (we have been friends for about 2 years now, and these are not just issues that have come up only recently, they've been there a while), and I care about him a lot. When we talk on the phone, it usually lasts an hour or two. But I can't do this anymore. I need to protect myself.


I think I will be direct. Either in a text, or by phone. I want to say it in a way that reflects my integrity. I don't want to say something like "you have been hurtful to me a lot, and therefore I'm leaving our friendship." That would be almost like a punishment type thing, and I do not want him to feel like I'm punishing him.


I will figure out a way to say it. But yeah. Input is welcome, just please don't criticize me for being sensitive / taking things certain ways. There is a small part of me, too, that wants to stay friends. I was thinking about him today, earlier, and thinking "I want to distance but stay friends." But I'm pretty done right now.
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Old 07-17-2021, 01:05 PM   #2
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Default Re: I think I need to end a friendship.

How about just say I need a break and leave it at that .
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Old 07-17-2021, 02:48 PM   #3
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Default Re: I think I need to end a friendship.

I had a friend like that too. Knew him since we were kids, for a while we were high school sweethearts. I didn't want to cut him off, as I'd known him for ages. But he was behaving just like your friend. Very offensive. I started giving him one-word, uninteresting replies and stopped sharing any stories from my life. He quickly lost interest in calling me after that.

So yes, you can speak to him directly and say you don't wish to communicate with him anymore. But do remember not to feel hurt if he gets angry at your decision and begins to insult you even further. You can also become as dull as a grey rock so that he will leave you alone. Do whatever is more suited to your personality.

Also, I don't think you are being overly sensitive or anything. You are quite justified in feeling upset over the things he has said. If you felt hurt and informed your friend and he still persisted in his behaviour, I think that is reason enough to stop communicating with him.
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Old 07-17-2021, 03:11 PM   #4
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Old 07-17-2021, 04:23 PM   #5
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I agree. Thank you @Britedark
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Old 07-17-2021, 04:41 PM   #6
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So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! i don't think you're being too sensitive if it hurts you. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about being direct with him or simply limiting the information you share with him. Do whatever you think is most fit to the situation and people involved, yourself included. i Hope things will improve really soon. Stay Safe. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @WovenGalaxy, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Old 07-17-2021, 06:50 PM   #7
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Default Re: I think I need to end a friendship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
I want to distance myself greatly, from a friend. I'm not sure if I want to completely cut it off at this point. I just know that every conversation, every communication we have lately, he says hurtful things to me that affect me. He does not mean to be hurtful. But he is. And my needs in the friendship are not getting met. There have been lots of times he just says things, that are...really hurtful. Yes, I've tried talking to him. Multiple times. The thing is, he's not going to change, because it keeps happening over and over, and I feel that if I bring things up that upset me, each time he says something that hurts me, he will get angry and feel like I'm a nag. He has said certain things in the past that made me feel that way as well.


I recognize that I am sensitive, and easily swayed, and some of these things he says probably would not bother some other people. But they bother me. And I'm sick of apologizing for who I am, how I'm affected, and my biological make-up.


Here's some of the things I've been really hurt by:


1.) I told him about an interview I had coming up and a senior companion / caregiver. He was extremely discouraging in a way that was not solicited. I wasn't asking him. But he said "how much responsibility do you want?" It was clearly about him and his own preferences and I think it was projection. But it really also made me doubt myself and the job.

2.) He called me ugly. He was trying to make a point about something else and used my looks as an example. Yes, it was ****ed up. And the way he thinks is ****ed up. I called him out about it. But I was also "really concerned about his feelings" because I figured he would get mad at me. He doesn't like being criticized. I recognize how ****ed up this is.


There's a lot of other things but you know what? I'm not going to write them all out. I'm done. I'm just not sure how to do this. Like how to end it. I honestly may text him.

Note: he's extremely pushy in his opinions, talks to me like he's a teacher (he tries to impress with his knowledge) and he talks a lot...


The last exchange we had, was him texting me saying hi, and saying all the stuff he's doing, and I responded with a "hi back," a "good to hear from you," and all the stuff I'm doing, and he responded "sounds exhausting! lolol" He did also say he was glad that I was having fun. I don't know why this **** bothers me but it does. Maybe he just is not the right friend for me. Maybe it was the straw that broke my back. HE is the one who is exhausting. I've been wanting to distance myself for about a week - since he said the discouraging things about my interview.


We have been very close in the past (we have been friends for about 2 years now, and these are not just issues that have come up only recently, they've been there a while), and I care about him a lot. When we talk on the phone, it usually lasts an hour or two. But I can't do this anymore. I need to protect myself.


I think I will be direct. Either in a text, or by phone. I want to say it in a way that reflects my integrity. I don't want to say something like "you have been hurtful to me a lot, and therefore I'm leaving our friendship." That would be almost like a punishment type thing, and I do not want him to feel like I'm punishing him.


I will figure out a way to say it. But yeah. Input is welcome, just please don't criticize me for being sensitive / taking things certain ways. There is a small part of me, too, that wants to stay friends. I was thinking about him today, earlier, and thinking "I want to distance but stay friends." But I'm pretty done right now.
It is okay for you to feel the way you feel. Just tell him that you need a break and let it go from there. Im sorry that he treated you badly no one deserved to be hurt that way.
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Old 07-17-2021, 06:51 PM   #8
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Default Re: I think I need to end a friendship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
I want to distance myself greatly, from a friend. I'm not sure if I want to completely cut it off at this point. I just know that every conversation, every communication we have lately, he says hurtful things to me that affect me. He does not mean to be hurtful. But he is. And my needs in the friendship are not getting met. There have been lots of times he just says things, that are...really hurtful. Yes, I've tried talking to him. Multiple times. The thing is, he's not going to change, because it keeps happening over and over, and I feel that if I bring things up that upset me, each time he says something that hurts me, he will get angry and feel like I'm a nag. He has said certain things in the past that made me feel that way as well.


I recognize that I am sensitive, and easily swayed, and some of these things he says probably would not bother some other people. But they bother me. And I'm sick of apologizing for who I am, how I'm affected, and my biological make-up.


Here's some of the things I've been really hurt by:


1.) I told him about an interview I had coming up and a senior companion / caregiver. He was extremely discouraging in a way that was not solicited. I wasn't asking him. But he said "how much responsibility do you want?" It was clearly about him and his own preferences and I think it was projection. But it really also made me doubt myself and the job.

2.) He called me ugly. He was trying to make a point about something else and used my looks as an example. Yes, it was ****ed up. And the way he thinks is ****ed up. I called him out about it. But I was also "really concerned about his feelings" because I figured he would get mad at me. He doesn't like being criticized. I recognize how ****ed up this is.


There's a lot of other things but you know what? I'm not going to write them all out. I'm done. I'm just not sure how to do this. Like how to end it. I honestly may text him.

Note: he's extremely pushy in his opinions, talks to me like he's a teacher (he tries to impress with his knowledge) and he talks a lot...


The last exchange we had, was him texting me saying hi, and saying all the stuff he's doing, and I responded with a "hi back," a "good to hear from you," and all the stuff I'm doing, and he responded "sounds exhausting! lolol" He did also say he was glad that I was having fun. I don't know why this **** bothers me but it does. Maybe he just is not the right friend for me. Maybe it was the straw that broke my back. HE is the one who is exhausting. I've been wanting to distance myself for about a week - since he said the discouraging things about my interview.


We have been very close in the past (we have been friends for about 2 years now, and these are not just issues that have come up only recently, they've been there a while), and I care about him a lot. When we talk on the phone, it usually lasts an hour or two. But I can't do this anymore. I need to protect myself.


I think I will be direct. Either in a text, or by phone. I want to say it in a way that reflects my integrity. I don't want to say something like "you have been hurtful to me a lot, and therefore I'm leaving our friendship." That would be almost like a punishment type thing, and I do not want him to feel like I'm punishing him.


I will figure out a way to say it. But yeah. Input is welcome, just please don't criticize me for being sensitive / taking things certain ways. There is a small part of me, too, that wants to stay friends. I was thinking about him today, earlier, and thinking "I want to distance but stay friends." But I'm pretty done right now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! i don't think you're being too sensitive if it hurts you. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about being direct with him or simply limiting the information you share with him. Do whatever you think is most fit to the situation and people involved, yourself included. i Hope things will improve really soon. Stay Safe. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @WovenGalaxy, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
Great advice.
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Old 07-17-2021, 07:53 PM   #9
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Thank you for the support everyone. I think....ok so I talked to him today and we decided we would talk later bc I wasn't sure how to even go about talking about it but he knows I need to talk.


I am not sure, maybe staying friends right now is better, and just a bit of distance. I was really angry and upset earlier, and...I think it's important to recognize that he does not say this stuff on purpose to hurt my feelings. Even the ugly comment, which, he did not call me ugly, to be more transparent, he said I wasn't a bombshell / I'm average (therefore no one would worry about me as much if I were kidnapped - LOL he's kind of a weird conspiracy theorist but that's a messed up way to look at things but anyway), I think I just took it as I'm ugly, sorry for not saying that before, but anyway...

He HAS been there for me. A lot. And he doesn't say this stuff to be hurtful it's the way I'm taking it. but the thing is...I'm not going to change the way I take things and he's not going to stop saying things that are oblivious to how I might take them.


It might be good for me to talk to my therapist about this.
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Old 07-19-2021, 04:47 AM   #10
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Default Re: I think I need to end a friendship.

I had an experience like this last night. I told my friend that his comments in the past were very hurtful, so I was keeping some distance. He said he didn't mean it that way and he actually wanted to help out. I told him it made me feel like he was looking down on me and not really listening to what I say. He said next time I should tell him immediately if he makes me feel bad because he just talks too much and sometimes doesn't really think of what he says. It made me feel better to let him know he hurt me that I stopped crying and fell asleep right after that.
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Old 07-19-2021, 07:07 PM   #11
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I'm talking to my T about this this week. I know what I want though. I want to take a break from communication with him. I've been feeling weird about this because we ARE so close, and I HAVE leaned on him often in the last few months. I'm worried it will seem weird, to him, to someone, that now I want to be apart. Like maybe it makes me seem unstable / wishy washy. ? Maybe I should not care what he or anyone might think about that.


I think it's also important that I say...he values my friendship a lot. I value his too, but I'm sick of getting hurt every time we talk.


It's also important, I think to say this: when we talked, he mentioned that he feels bothered by things I do too, and struggles to say them. He said he thought this was how relationships / friendships are. I'm not so sure. I think friendships / relationships are varied there's many kinds, but if one person is unhappy and doesn't want it, that's ok. It's just really hard to say that to him.

I know somebody here (it was Britedark, Hi Britedark) said I can do it any way that fits my personality. I might text him after I talk with my t. I may give him the option, if he wants, to talk on the phone. But I honestly don't want to talk on the phone. It's too hard for me. And honestly, I wasn't sure if he was trying to be manipulative / hurtful when he said "you do things that bother me too." It worked.


Bottom line: it was hard to talk directly to him. I choked. But in my heart I know 2 things: we care about and like each other, he is not a good fit for friendship for me at this time.


I'm really struggling with thinking its weird that I want to distance myself. Is it weird? This all started after he said those discouraging things about my interview. But I have distanced myself from him before, honestly. Last summer I didn't talk to him for like 3-4 months.
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Old 07-19-2021, 08:05 PM   #12
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Default Re: I think I need to end a friendship.

Quote:
I'm really struggling with thinking its weird that I want to distance myself. Is it weird?
No.

Quote:
This all started after he said those discouraging things about my interview.

"You do things that bother me too."
Distancing yourself makes sense to me.
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Old 07-19-2021, 08:18 PM   #13
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Default Re: I think I need to end a friendship.

Thanks.

I had the realization just recently that I'm looking at it from his possible point of view. Thing is, its all about him. And he does not. know how he affects me nor am I completely sure he can cope with it if I tell him. And that can be ok. But not for a close friendship.
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Old 07-19-2021, 11:02 PM   #14
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Default Re: I think I need to end a friendship.

Are there other friends that you have? Funny how your thread on here seems exactly like the one I had recently (on the Question & Answer Forum - Should I Hang On To A Criticizing Friend?). Maybe there's something going around for a lot of people; with a scenario like this. If you have another friend, wouldn't that person be better for you than the friend who's hurtful to you? Just a thought.
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Old 07-20-2021, 07:27 AM   #15
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Are there other friends that you have? Funny how your thread on here seems exactly like the one I had recently (on the Question & Answer Forum - Should I Hang On To A Criticizing Friend?). Maybe there's something going around for a lot of people; with a scenario like this. If you have another friend, wouldn't that person be better for you than the friend who's hurtful to you? Just a thought.

I do! I have a few other friends and I don't have these issues with them.


I'm also making an effort to do more things in my community. It feels good.
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Old 07-20-2021, 10:19 AM   #16
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I do! I have a few other friends and I don't have these issues with them.

I'm also making an effort to do more things in my community. It feels good.
That's good. Do you think you could get into your other friends more and do away with the one who is critical?
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Old 07-20-2021, 10:54 AM   #17
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That's good. Do you think you could get into your other friends more and do away with the one who is critical?

I think it's a good idea to hang out more with my other friends and spend more time on community activities as well as looking for work.


I'm not sure about completely cutting off this friend. I know he values my friendship too. I just have my own experience of him that is not always positive.

I will talk to my T.
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Old 07-20-2021, 02:44 PM   #18
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I really over thought this. I was so concerned about his reaction / feelings, I didn't consider mine. I need to honor how I feel and what I think. I can't control what other ppl do / feel.

@leomama thank you for the advice. I sent him a short message saying I needed a break / distance.
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Old 07-20-2021, 02:45 PM   #19
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I really over thought this. I was so concerned about his reaction / feelings, I didn't consider mine. I need to honor how I feel and what I think. I can't control what other ppl do / feel.

@leomama thank you for the advice. I sent him a short message saying I needed a break / distance.

Im glad I could help you. I was beginning to doubt my place in this community.
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Old 07-20-2021, 02:52 PM   #20
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Im glad I could help you. I was beginning to doubt my place in this community.


I've been there - I doubt my place here too sometimes.

I'm glad you're here leomama.
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