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cookiepie234
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Frown Jul 19, 2021 at 05:41 AM
  #1
I have a close friend who told me recently that she isn't doing well, she's struggling. I'm not sure what exactly is going on since she didn't tell me but I know she suffers with anxiety/depression so probably something to do with that? She wasn't great at replying to my texts and she basically said we're very close so she wanted to tell me she is struggling and that's why she isn't texting me back. I said no problem. I asked a couple of times if she wanted to talk about whatever she is going through and she avoided those messages. I then said in a later conversation "I asked if you wanted to talk about it and you didn't reply so I didn't want to push you" and all she replied to that was "aww" so I thought, okay not sure what to say to that - I just let her know I'm here for her. She then just went back to texting me normally, like normal light-hearted conversations, so I went along with that. Then she stopped replying to my texts (It was a month ago she said "I'll reply later" and she still hasn't). She's just been sending me random posts on social media which maybe is her way of maintaining communication with me while she isn't texting back, I don't know.

I have tried to be very patient and understanding of the fact that she is going through a tough time and therefore isn't texting me back, but it's getting harder. I feel so hurt. This whole time she's been leaving me on read, she's been posting on social media, pics of her and friends, she's been having conversations with others on group chats and stuff. In fact, yesterday she finally texted me, but again, it was just a link to a YouTube video and her starting a new conversation with that, completely ignoring all the texts above it from a month ago that she still hasn't replied to, she didn't even acknowledge them. Sometimes, it feels like she thinks I'll always stick around and that we're so close, that she doesn't need to put in effort, or that she got so used to sending me posts on social media that I always replied to, that she didn't need to bother texting me back. I haven't replied to the new text she sent me because I just feel really down and don't want to talk to her right now.

The thing is, I feel extremely selfish for feeling this way. Why can't I be more empathetic that she is struggling? Why can't I just be happy that she's maintaining some conversation with me via social media instead of expecting a text back? A few months ago I brought up how it hurt that she constantly left me on read for days at a time but she didn't really explain anything, she just apologized but nothing really changed and I never understood the reason behind it. Another time I also mentioned how sometimes I feel sad that I don't hear much about what she gets up to in her life, but nothing changed so I stopped sharing little things about my life too.

I'm just not sure what to do. I will text her back eventually but I have a bad habit of my texts coming out kind of blunt and cold when I'm upset like this. I don't want to talk to her about how I feel since I've tried before and don't want to come off as bothersome and a beg. I don't want her to text me back just because she feels obligated to. I'm just kind of tired of friends doing this to me (another friend also always forgets to text me back and it's someone I have been there for through so much, always listening to them vent and trying to support them. I will say though, the friend that this post is about, she has been there for me through tough times as well and I am extremely grateful for that but I think it's another reason why I feel selfish for not being more patient with her right now).
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MickeyCheeky
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Default Jul 19, 2021 at 06:12 AM
  #2
i think you're entitled to your feelings. You have every right to feel hurt if that's what you feel even if she may be going through a difficult period. After all it's clear that you really do care at least i think. i wanted to ask you if you only talk to your friend through social media or if you have a chance to meet her irl? i think trying to talk to her about this if it's making you feel frustrated may be an option. Perhaps you may even try a phone call if you're afraid of using text. i am not sure. Sorry if this post wasn't really helpful but i Hope you'll both be able to manage this. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @cookiepie234, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Jul 19, 2021 at 06:49 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
i think you're entitled to your feelings. You have every right to feel hurt if that's what you feel even if she may be going through a difficult period. After all it's clear that you really do care at least i think. i wanted to ask you if you only talk to your friend through social media or if you have a chance to meet her irl? i think trying to talk to her about this if it's making you feel frustrated may be an option. Perhaps you may even try a phone call if you're afraid of using text. i am not sure. Sorry if this post wasn't really helpful but i Hope you'll both be able to manage this. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @cookiepie234, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
Thanks Mickey

We live in different cities since I moved away so haven't been able to meet for the last year. Last month we were discussing meeting up but she said she was busy the upcoming weeks and we haven't spoken about it since so maybe I'll bring it up again soon. For me, I'm actually scared more of phone calls than text, lol. And I don't feel comfortable asking for a call right now if she isn't even up for texting. I dont know sometimes I feel pretty anxious in this friendship.

Oh, and don't apologize, I appreciate your comment!
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Default Jul 19, 2021 at 11:27 AM
  #4
From what you wrote, it seems that you are not being met. She doesn't get back to you (or only seems to send superficial / meaningless content) while she has time to message other people. Likewise, she tells you you're ''very close'' but her actions don't support this statement.

As for:
Quote:
Why can't I be more empathetic that she is struggling? Why can't I just be happy that she's maintaining some conversation with me via social media instead of expecting a text back
It is not selfish to want a mutual relationship and with more (equal) give and take. She doesn't seem to be there for you and even when you voice your concerns, you are *still* not being met. Instead, you are being dismissed. That is annoying at best and hurtful at most.

It seems like a disappointing, and rather painful, relationship and I would not consider that a 'true' friendship. It's up to you what you decide to do but I would not waste energy on someone who doesn't seem to reciprocate. Her actions don't match her words. And, in any relationship, that is not enough.
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cookiepie234
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Default Jul 19, 2021 at 03:16 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
From what you wrote, it seems that you are not being met. She doesn't get back to you (or only seems to send superficial / meaningless content) while she has time to message other people. Likewise, she tells you you're ''very close'' but her actions don't support this statement.

As for: It is not selfish to want a mutual relationship and with more (equal) give and take. She doesn't seem to be there for you and even when you voice your concerns, you are *still* not being met. Instead, you are being dismissed. That is annoying at best and hurtful at most.

It seems like a disappointing, and rather painful, relationship and I would not consider that a 'true' friendship. It's up to you what you decide to do but I would not waste energy on someone who doesn't seem to reciprocate. Her actions don't match her words. And, in any relationship, that is not enough.
Superficial content is exactly what is it. Like yes, social media posts are funny but it’s just not meaningful to a friendship when that’s all there is, especially since we haven’t met in person for a long time so all we have is texting (I don’t feel comfortable enough to ask her to call).

I guess the reason I feel selfish is because she said us being close is the reason why she doesn’t text me back, that she wanted to tell me she’s struggling, whereas with others she’s hiding her struggle. But still, she told me she was struggling then just went back to normal like nothing happened. It’s confusing.

This friendship has been painful for months now. It’s just felt so hot and cold with little communication on her part and me just feeling pushed to the side all the time. I’ve noticed that sometimes if I don’t text back for a day or two she spams me a bit and it makes me feel like it’s out of pity i don’t know. I turned her notifications off for a while because I was just sad and I wanted time to myself and it felt nice. I’m not going to feel guilty anymore for not being responsive to friends who are unresponsive to me.

Thanks roxanne
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Default Jul 22, 2021 at 08:51 AM
  #6
Hi! I agree with Rive. You are not selfish for expecting a deeper communication with your friend. But since you now live in different cities, perhaps she has gotten busy with new friends or new engagements. I'm sure you are also growing busy in your new environment. Instead of letting hurt feelings fester, why don’t you take a break from your friend? The beautiful part about friendship is that it can be revived even after years of silence. I used to have a very close friend but he cooled off after I changed cities. Consequently, I stopped contacting him. But this year he called me on my birthday and we had a wonderful, hour-long chat. I am sure your friendship is solid as well, but sometimes a little distance becomes necessary.
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