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Old 07-21-2021, 07:15 AM   #1
Vindicated17
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Default Life or Death question posed on me....

So my ex girlfriend of 2.5 years used to ask this question to me during the relationship every few months or so and I was wondering what everyone's take on it is. I've never been asked this question and I look back on it like WHY would she ask me such a thing?

"So if you were in an accident or something happened to you and you were on life support and would never recover.....would you want me to pull the plug and you let you go? Or let you live on a machine for the rest of your life in a coma?"

So this is someone I was dating who was pushing me to buy a house together and then get married after that. I look back on it now as maybe that it was their plan for something to happen to me? The only reason I think this is because they not only just asked this question once....they would ask every few months!

Any ideas out there?
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Old 07-21-2021, 09:41 AM   #2
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

I have no idea why your ex asked you this question, but I strongly encourage people in close relationships to have this conversation.

My husband was in an accident that left him braindead. Having discussed our wishes with each other made some difficult decisions easier because I knew what he wanted.
I had power of attorney for my mother at the end of her life. Again, having discussed what she would want ahead of time made tough decisions easier.
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Old 07-21-2021, 09:47 AM   #3
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

The repetitive nature of the question is a bit alarming. Yet, here is some food for thought.

My mother was in a coma, with a breathing tube down her throat. She once told my sister and I that she never wanted to be this way. At least, I was at peace knowing the right decision. This is a good question to have with a significant other, but I agree the repetitive nature is a bit concerning....

--Sarc
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Old 07-21-2021, 09:51 AM   #4
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Trig Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

I have a DNR order, so if something did happen to me, like I fell in a coma, hospital are not to interfeere.

I don't know how I'd feel about ttelling someone that (I'm single, I've never had to think about it)

@lizardlady, power of attorney is something I need to think about. having no family doesn't make it easy
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Old 07-21-2021, 09:53 AM   #5
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

i don't really know why she kept asking but i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that it may be an important question to consider especially if you're Religious. i Hope everything is Ok with everyone though. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Vindicated17, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Old 07-21-2021, 11:05 AM   #6
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

It is an important conversation to have in the case of marriage particularly, and in this last year, I think many more people have sat down and had this conversation with each other. My husband and I both had living wills and medical power of attorney. We had had this conversation, and unfortunately, I had to put it to use a few months ago.

But this in an ex you are talking about, and I get the feeling you are wondering if she was planning something - seems a bit extreme. Probably was just on her mind. Why is it still on your mind?
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Old 07-21-2021, 12:41 PM   #7
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

The persistence of her asking would have bugged me, too. If Iíd been asked and come up with a specific plan, signed etc if needed, I wouldnít expect to be asked any more. Did she seem anxious about it, like she needed reassurance? Was she a worrier (or even forgetful) in general? I think those are important factors to consider.
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Old 07-21-2021, 01:53 PM   #8
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by lizardlady View Post
I have no idea why your ex asked you this question, but I strongly encourage people in close relationships to have this conversation.

My husband was in an accident that left him braindead. Having discussed our wishes with each other made some difficult decisions easier because I knew what he wanted.
I had power of attorney for my mother at the end of her life. Again, having discussed what she would want ahead of time made tough decisions easier.
Thank you for your response. I think it makes sense to put a plan in place for certain relationships such as elderly parents or a husband/wife. We never even lived together let alone got married. My answer was the same every time of I'd want the plug pulled and wouldn't want to be a burden to anyone. Having to answer the same question with the same answer every few months seemed very very odd to me.
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Old 07-21-2021, 01:55 PM   #9
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarcgeo View Post
The repetitive nature of the question is a bit alarming. Yet, here is some food for thought.

My mother was in a coma, with a breathing tube down her throat. She once told my sister and I that she never wanted to be this way. At least, I was at peace knowing the right decision. This is a good question to have with a significant other, but I agree the repetitive nature is a bit concerning....

--Sarc
It was definetely concerning because we were not even married, nor lived together. Strictly dating with future plans of possibly living together and getting married. To have to keep answering the same question with the same answer every few months seemed odd to me. I would think that is a question spouses have after getting married and living together and not just strictly dating.
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Old 07-21-2021, 01:56 PM   #10
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
i don't really know why she kept asking but i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that it may be an important question to consider especially if you're Religious. i Hope everything is Ok with everyone though. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Vindicated17, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
I don't know why either and found it very odd since we never even lived together or were married and only dating. The same question asked and I always provided the same clear answer of I wouldn't want to be a burden on anyone so just let me go.
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Old 07-21-2021, 01:58 PM   #11
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins View Post
It is an important conversation to have in the case of marriage particularly, and in this last year, I think many more people have sat down and had this conversation with each other. My husband and I both had living wills and medical power of attorney. We had had this conversation, and unfortunately, I had to put it to use a few months ago.

But this in an ex you are talking about, and I get the feeling you are wondering if she was planning something - seems a bit extreme. Probably was just on her mind. Why is it still on your mind?
Well a lot of things are currently still on my mind as I think I am very much trauma bonded from this toxic relationship. I had decided to walk away about 4.5 months ago. I agree between spouses this type of question/scenerio makes sense if married or living together. However, we never lived together nor were married and were strictly dating. To answer the same question with the same clear answer seemed extremely odd to me looking back.
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Old 07-21-2021, 03:17 PM   #12
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

Having this conversation with someone outside of 'family' who does not get to have a say if such a situation arose (God forbid) is extremely weird. If my boyfriend asked me this I'd definitely freak out. This conversation is only appropriate for parent-child, sibling or spousal relationships (or for people in long-term, committed partnerships). Perhaps your girlfriend wanted to imagine herself in a position where she would have the ultimate control over your life and death. Perhaps she imagined it as a sign of extreme intimacy between the two of you- sharing your darkest thoughts blah blah. Some people are a bit dramatic that way. If you are thinking of more sinister stuff...Well, only you can say if she showed any antisocial tendencies other than this.
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Old 07-21-2021, 05:20 PM   #13
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

Vindicated, I have to agree that someone you are just dating asking the question repeatedly is weird.

Britedark, I don't find this an odd topic for outside the family to discuss. I've had this conversation with friends.
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Old 07-21-2021, 05:54 PM   #14
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

Vindicated, i think you dodged TWO bullets, by getting out of that relationship! Or one bullet and a cut brake line...
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Old 07-21-2021, 06:11 PM   #15
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by lizardlady View Post
I have no idea why your ex asked you this question, but I strongly encourage people in close relationships to have this conversation.

My husband was in an accident that left him braindead. Having discussed our wishes with each other made some difficult decisions easier because I knew what he wanted.
I had power of attorney for my mother at the end of her life. Again, having discussed what she would want ahead of time made tough decisions easier.

Totally agree. In fact we got life insist for my husband the one with income after our first child was born when he was 21. At the time it seemed almost silly we were so young. Now at 46 and three kids at least something has been saved for a tragedy. We both have living wills and I bought a will kit. Is that good enough or do you really need a lawyer? My mom and brother are both ICU nurses and have/are working through Covid. Trust me if you didnít think you needed to think about that before you definitely need to now. Think about all the people who are middle-age that never thought something like this would happen having to make these decisions?

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Old 07-21-2021, 06:12 PM   #16
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Britedark View Post
Having this conversation with someone outside of 'family' who does not get to have a say if such a situation arose (God forbid) is extremely weird. If my boyfriend asked me this I'd definitely freak out. This conversation is only appropriate for parent-child, sibling or spousal relationships (or for people in long-term, committed partnerships). Perhaps your girlfriend wanted to imagine herself in a position where she would have the ultimate control over your life and death. Perhaps she imagined it as a sign of extreme intimacy between the two of you- sharing your darkest thoughts blah blah. Some people are a bit dramatic that way. If you are thinking of more sinister stuff...Well, only you can say if she showed any antisocial tendencies other than this.

I admit in a new relationship can be creepy but at the same time Iím a philosophical realist and Iíve asked all sorts of people about this.

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Old 07-22-2021, 02:57 AM   #17
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by lizardlady View Post


Britedark, I don't find this an odd topic for outside the family to discuss. I've had this conversation with friends.
I was specifically writing in reference to the OP's question. Notice that he did not initiate the topic. It was not a part of a general, philosophical discussion. His ex was not talking about pulling the plug on her. She specifically asked if she could pull the plug on him. Would you randomly ask that to your friends/lovers? Repeatedly?

OP, I am sorry for referring to you in the third person. I did not mean to offend you. I just wanted to explain what I found disturbing about you ex's behaviour.
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Old 07-22-2021, 03:03 AM   #18
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Default Re: Life or Death question posed on me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Britedark View Post
I was specifically writing in reference to the OP's question. Notice that he did not initiate the topic. It was not a part of a general, philosophical discussion. His ex was not talking about pulling the plug on her. She specifically asked if she could pull the plug on him. Would you randomly ask that to your friends/lovers? Repeatedly?

OP, I am sorry for referring to you in the third person. I did not mean to offend you. I just wanted to explain what I found disturbing about you ex's behaviour.

Thanks for clarifying. I also misunderstood.

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