Have you ever been gaslighted?

Werewoman · Jul 24, 2021 at 01:02 PM

I think I'm losing my mind. Again.

There is this weird dynamic that has arisen between my husband and me and it's getting hard for me to see what's happening. It resembles gaslighting but I don't think he does it to upset me or maliciously, but then I have been burned and I can't trust my own judgement sometimes.

Basically what happens is regardless of the subject, he will come over to see what I'm doing and most of the time he will start telling me what to do differently and sometimes will even undue what I did so he can do it over. Is there some reason why he never did this crap 30 years ago?
The issue I have with it is just the overwhelming emotional meltdown that follows. It makes me feel stupid and crazy and it makes me cry sometimes.
The last time it happened, he gave me a look like 'what planet are you on?' So I asked if he thought I was just overreacting again, and he said yes.
I did not take that very well.

Is he right about me? Are my emotions causing me to overreact? What if I'm not overreacting though? Does his bad attitude about my MI make it worse?

RoxanneToto · Jul 24, 2021 at 01:50 PM

I wouldn’t say you’re overreacting, what he’s doing sounds a little like gaslighting (because he says you’re overreacting, but I think many people would find what he’s doing quite aggravating - nobody likes others making out they’re incompetent - so I understand why you get upset) but also controlling? He might be trying to take over because he thinks his way of doing things/opinions on how things should be done are the only ones that matter, or something. Not very respectful, in any case.
I worked on an animation project once where one of the guys was acting like this - too important to answer our questions about a prominent detail we needed to get done that day, so we did it without his input, then he tried to bulldoze what we’d done the next session. He is so lucky he didn’t get put six feet under!

MickeyCheeky · Jul 24, 2021 at 02:15 PM

So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up!

i agree with the wise and wonderful RoxannteToto that i don't think you're necessarely overreacting. i am not sure of what gaslighting is exactly so i'm afraid i would rather not answer that but it seems clear that you do not like this so i'd suggesto to definitely speak up about this. Let him know that this behavior is bothering you. Hopefully he will understand. Can i ask you since when did he start to act like this? Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Werewoman, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Open Eyes · Jul 24, 2021 at 08:53 PM

It can actually be triggering to be doing something and have someone invade that and say you are doing it wrong. You have every right to do things your own way.

eskielover · Jul 24, 2021 at 11:39 PM

Marriage dynamics are tough.

I was actually married to a very incompetent guy in many areas of life. Over the years I learned what he could & couldn't do. I let him do things when how he did it didn't matter....but there were some things I just didn't have the patience for because I would have to re-do some things & that was more work than if I just did it myself. When the outcome really didn't matter....he could have at it but when it actually effected me I had a say.

I have to admit, by the end of our marriage I had lost all patience with him & couldn't trust him to do anything. Sadly it got worse when I left & now I have had to get lawyers involved in the things he screw up.

Always 2 sides of a story. Would be interesting to know why your H reacts the way he does. Understanding his thinking might shed some light on why he is behaving that way

Britedark · Jul 25, 2021 at 04:02 AM

May I ask you a few questions? I gather from your post that you are married to your husband for at least 30 years but lately he is taking over whatever you are doing, and either giving you instructions or completely redoing it. Have I read the situation correctly?

Based on this post, I would like to ask you if you have discussed the issue with your husband. Has he explained why he has suddenly started to micro manage you? What is his take on it?

Also, what is causing this reaction in you? How are you perceiving his actions? What do they mean to you? Have you explained to him (calmly) how his actions are affecting you?

I am not aware if you have posted earlier about this. If you find my questions irrelevant please feel free to ignore them. I hope your problem soon finds a successful resolution.

TishaBuv · Jul 25, 2021 at 07:20 AM

Sometimes I am doing something, like chopping vegetables, for example, and my h comes over and intently watches me. It makes me nervous. I ask him if he’d like to do it instead, and he takes over. Heck, if he wants to do the work, let him have at it! It is weird though. Sometimes, depending on if I want to be doing what I am doing, if he does this, it does upset me and I may start to cry in frustration. I have told him to back off and let me do it before, but I more often get frustrated and give up and it often can even trigger an anxiety attack with tears.

I get it about what you call gaslighting. Take just this one dynamic, for example, with the micro managing. How can he continue to do the same triggering thing over and over after he knows it causes a meltdown?

….then he tells you that YOU are overreacting???

Werewoman · Jul 25, 2021 at 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It can actually be triggering to be doing something and have someone invade that and say you are doing it wrong. You have every right to do things your own way.

This says it all.

Werewoman · Jul 25, 2021 at 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

Marriage dynamics are tough.

I was actually married to a very incompetent guy in many areas of life. Over the years I learned what he could & couldn't do. I let him do things when how he did it didn't matter....but there were some things I just didn't have the patience for because I would have to re-do some things & that was more work than if I just did it myself. When the outcome really didn't matter....he could have at it but when it actually effected me I had a say.

I have to admit, by the end of our marriage I had lost all patience with him & couldn't trust him to do anything. Sadly it got worse when I left & now I have had to get lawyers involved in the things he screw up.

Always 2 sides of a story. Would be interesting to know why your H reacts the way he does. Understanding his thinking might shed some light on why he is behaving that way

Incompetence is far from the issue. He's a leader in his field and has been for nearly four decades. He's the guy they call when no one else can fix it. We are both electronic technicians. He also works on hydraulics and neumatics.

I'm trying real hard here not to wonder if you think I'm incompetent. That's okay. I know I'm not.

Yes, I may do things differently than most people and I'm fine with that. The job still gets done right.

What do you think he would say if you asked him? That I'm bats**t crazy? Yup. How about that my cognitive abilities are slowly fading? Yup. Extremely intelligent? Yup. The most scatterbrained? Yup. Or would you prefer to ask him yourself?

Rive. · Jul 25, 2021 at 12:04 PM

Well, at the very least, he sure likes to be in control and have things done his way... dismissing, even invalidating other people (what they do, how they do it, even how they feel) as being inferior or insignificant.

Open Eyes · Jul 25, 2021 at 02:40 PM

Some individuals that are used to taking over often don’t realize how intrusive it is to step in and change how another person operates It can actually feel like a kind of gaslighting or shaming because it creates self doubt.

It can actually get a person into a mindset of not wanting to do anything so as to avoid that feeling of someone else encouraging inadequacy. Even a very intelligent person can suffer from a presence that can be intrusive this way.

Have Hope · Jul 25, 2021 at 07:36 PM

You're not overreacting. He is being controlling; his way of doing things is better in his mind, which naturally will make you feel like your ways of doing things are inadequate. Him saying you're overreacting or him saying it's your MI is a form of gaslighting and also exhibits his control. I would not appreciate this at all, if it were me. My husband used to do the same to me until I pointed out point blank what he was doing, and how it made me feel. Now, he hasn't exhibited that kind of behavior since I brought it to his attention. Maybe tell your husband to back the F off and let you handle things the way YOU like to do it.... if he's helping, then it can be a mutual decision of how it should be, but not a one-sided thing.

hvert · Jul 26, 2021 at 05:21 AM

It's very annoying to have someone redo what you did. My husband gets annoyed if I do it to him (supposedly this is why he no longer cooks) and I get annoyed if he does it to me.

As far as over reaction goes, you are probably the only one in a place to judge. Do *you* feel like your response is disproportionate? Is there a different way to respond that would get you what you want?

TishaBuv · Jul 26, 2021 at 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hvert

It's very annoying to have someone redo what you did. My husband gets annoyed if I do it to him (supposedly this is why he no longer cooks) and I get annoyed if he does it to me.

As far as over reaction goes, you are probably the only one in a place to judge. Do *you* feel like your response is disproportionate? Is there a different way to respond that would get you what you want?

My emotions ratcheted up due to him doing something annoying and upsetting repeatedly even though I calmly addressed it at first. This eventually got me an emotional disorder diagnosis from a psychiatrist. I’m not sure that’s a fair judgment on their part. In hindsight, I agree, that calmly asking him to stop the upsetting behavior an infinite amount of times is critical to one’s mental health. I am trying to control my emotions better myself.

*Beth* · Jul 26, 2021 at 09:31 AM

Yes, to me his behavior sounds very triggering. There are not always 2 sides to the story. Thinking that way is gaslighting. Is he a control freak?

Werewoman · Jul 28, 2021 at 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Britedark

May I ask you a few questions? I gather from your post that you are married to your husband for at least 30 years but lately he is taking over whatever you are doing, and either giving you instructions or completely redoing it. Have I read the situation correctly?

Based on this post, I would like to ask you if you have discussed the issue with your husband. Has he explained why he has suddenly started to micro manage you? What is his take on it?

Also, what is causing this reaction in you? How are you perceiving his actions? What do they mean to you? Have you explained to him (calmly) how his actions are affecting you?

I am not aware if you have posted earlier about this. If you find my questions irrelevant please feel free to ignore them. I hope your problem soon finds a successful resolution.

That's as good of a description as any.
We've discussed it. He hasn't been taking it seriously. I did get his attention last weekend, a little. He started laughing about one incident and I told him that I was very happy that he can laugh about something that makes me miserable. For once he shut up.
He just thinks I get overly upset about things he considers trivial and feels like he has to walk on eggshells. I hate that he feels that way.
My diagnoses reads like alphabet soup, but the worst ones are my bipolar 1 with TRD (treatment resistant depression) and CPTSD. My reactions are caused by my CPTSD and if I am even the slightest bit depressed, I just go right off the deep end. If my emotions get too extreme, I tend to dissociate.

Werewoman · Jul 28, 2021 at 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

You're not overreacting. He is being controlling; his way of doing things is better in his mind, which naturally will make you feel like your ways of doing things are inadequate. Him saying you're overreacting or him saying it's your MI is a form of gaslighting and also exhibits his control. I would not appreciate this at all, if it were me. My husband used to do the same to me until I pointed out point blank what he was doing, and how it made me feel. Now, he hasn't exhibited that kind of behavior since I brought it to his attention. Maybe tell your husband to back the F off and let you handle things the way YOU like to do it.... if he's helping, then it can be a mutual decision of how it should be, but not a one-sided thing.

I like the way you think.

BorisTheAnimal · Aug 02, 2021 at 07:59 AM

Is it possible that he's just a perfectionist? My father is notorious for constantly correcting particularly when you don't do something "his way". But my father is also a bit of a narcissist as well so it does work well at times.

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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,108 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Jul 24, 2021 at 08:53 PM #4 It can actually be triggering to be doing something and have someone invade that and say you are doing it wrong. You have every right to do things your own way.
	Reply With Quote

Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,011 10	Jul 25, 2021 at 12:04 PM #10 Well, at the very least, he sure likes to be in control and have things done his way... dismissing, even invalidating other people (what they do, how they do it, even how they feel) as being inferior or insignificant.
	Reply With Quote

Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Jul 26, 2021 at 09:31 AM #15 Yes, to me his behavior sounds very triggering. There are not always 2 sides to the story. Thinking that way is gaslighting. Is he a control freak? __________________
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BorisTheAnimal Member Member Since Jul 2021 Location: NJ Posts: 31 2 20 hugs given	Aug 02, 2021 at 07:59 AM #18 Is it possible that he's just a perfectionist? My father is notorious for constantly correcting particularly when you don't do something "his way". But my father is also a bit of a narcissist as well so it does work well at times.
	Reply With Quote