Is it wrong?

BorisTheAnimal · Jul 28, 2021 at 07:19 AM

I've been a bit conflicted as I really don't know what to do about it.
Are children obligated to take care of their parents when the parents are older and in ill health?

I ask because my elderly father with COPD thinks that we are obligated to take care of him. His latest weapon "I am your father". Of course he refuses to acknowledge that he wasn't the best father in the world. And he thinks he can continue to treat us like **** and we just have to take the emotional abuse from him.

MickeyCheeky · Jul 28, 2021 at 07:33 AM

So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up!

i do think it is good for their children to take care of their parents in any way they can but obviously not at the expense of their own health and well-being. i'd suggest to talk to your father and explain to him that he needs to treat his children better if he expects them to be able to take care of him in the best way if you haven't already of course. Are there any other alternatives for someone to help you take care of your father if i may ask? Perhaps a nursing home. i am not Sure. Please do update us if possible if you want to. Hugs. Love. Stay Safe. Be Strong. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @BorisTheAnimal, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

unaluna · Jul 28, 2021 at 07:57 AM

Google "filial responsibility NJ" or whatever your state is.

Just sayin', i lucked out. You have my sympathies.

Bill3 · Jul 28, 2021 at 09:01 AM

What if you speak to an experienced person such as a social worker at an elder care agency and get some ideas and perspective from that person?

poshgirl · Jul 28, 2021 at 10:15 AM

BorisTheAnimal, absolutely not!

It's a very difficult situation. Generalising, some people can care for elderly relatives, others not. Have a cousin who is now wheelchair bound after two strokes. One son is quite happy to attend to her "personal needs", the other admits he just can't do it. Does she love him any less; no!

Elderly parents often have the view that they had a family to take care of them later in life. Doing your duty, in other words. The harsh way of looking at this could be what duty? You didn't ask to be born.

You've mentioned your father is elderly; he's from a generation that expects this. I can totally relate to what you are saying.

RoxanneToto · Jul 28, 2021 at 10:32 AM

Not sure about where you live, but where I am (UK) as far as I know it isn’t the legal responsibility of children to take care of elderly relatives, not even parents.
As an aside, I think it’s incredibly dumb to have kids for this purpose, to be honest - having worked in a nursing home for nearly 20 years I can tell you several ways this can backfire, and it wouldn’t be an exhaustive list either. Even if someone is willing and has a good relationship with relative in question, it doesn’t always mean they’re able to provide appropriate care, for a start.

Britedark · Jul 28, 2021 at 11:54 AM

I don't believe you have to take care of your parent at any cost. My father had been largely absent from my life when I was growing up. Now that he is old I've told him not to expect too much from me. He still tries to guilt me into catering towards him but I have learnt to make my boundaries firmer. My motto is: feel free to look after another person so long as it makes you feel good about it. Stop when it becomes a burden.

poshgirl · Jul 28, 2021 at 01:42 PM

I'm in the UK too and don't think it's a legal requirement. Let's not give the politicians any ideas, social care is a disaster in many areas.

Caring for an elderly parent, either living with you or elsewhere, can be a burden. Many daughters have put their own lives on hold, believing they have to be the carer. Very often there's no support from siblings. Even with their own families, this situation puts a strain on marriages.

Britedark, your motto is most appropriate. Relating to my own recent experiences, despite my mother's consistently difficult behaviour. only recently did I say enough is enough. Sounds selfish but you still have lots of your life to live

hvert · Jul 29, 2021 at 06:16 AM

Ugh, I am familiar with those conflicted feelings. You are not obligated to take care of your parents. Your father could have made different choices in his life. He could have developed a close relationship with his children. He could have found a nice senior living community (and still can). He could have taken care of his health. Just because he decided to do nothing and live in a fantasy world where his kids take care of all his problems does not make them your problems.

Did he take care of his parents? One thing I have noticed is that people who take care of their own parents seem more likely to make arrangements for their end of life care. People who expect their kids to handle everything did not do the same for their parents.

Rive. · Jul 29, 2021 at 08:45 AM

If something is not a legal requirement, there is no obligation to do anything. Now, moral obligation is a different kettle of fish. It's simply a conversation between each individual and their conscience, which is still not a legal requirement.

lizardlady · Jul 29, 2021 at 10:39 AM

I don't think caring for a parent is a legal obligation in the States, but checking with an attorney is wise advice. I seem to remember that you are living in your father's house. That might entail some legal obligation. I live in a state with a high elder population. Periodically there will be a story in the news about someone arrested for neglecting an elderly parent when the person arrested was living with the elderly person in their home.

Various societies have different perspectives on the moral obligation. Some view it as a duty, others not. Because the US is such a melting pot opinions vary.

My personal opinion is that no one has to accept abuse from someone else. If you are living in your father's house I would encourage you to find a way to move out. If he is living in your house how about an assisted living facility or nursing home?

poshgirl · Jul 29, 2021 at 10:44 AM

And the moral conscience is what parents like this play to!

Has he also voiced the other classic about respecting him as he's your father; and for that reason only. Very often the two go together.

I'm envious of people who have or have had a fantastic relationship with their parents. However, as I've got older then I've started to question more and more exactly what the moral code is in the relationship where "blood is thicker than water".

BorisTheAnimal · Jul 29, 2021 at 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poshgirl

And the moral conscience is what parents like this play to!

Has he also voiced the other classic about respecting him as he's your father; and for that reason only. Very often the two go together.

I'm envious of people who have or have had a fantastic relationship with their parents. However, as I've got older then I've started to question more and more exactly what the moral code is in the relationship where "blood is thicker than water".

Its funny you say that about respecting him as he's your father. He has said that

unaluna · Jul 29, 2021 at 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive.

If something is not a legal requirement, there is no obligation to do anything.

It IS a legal requirement in about half the states. To check your state, google "filial responsibility XX" where XX is your state postal abbreviation.

I posted this at the beginning of the thread. Does everybody have me on ignore or what?!

LiverpoolMummy · Jul 29, 2021 at 02:16 PM

When my abusive ex mother in law couldn't live alone due to dementia I became her full time carer. I cared for her for 4 years and ended up having a breakdown and it destroyed my marriage. I now struggle with mental health, depression, anxiety, ptsd. Her abuse got worse and she is now in a care home. If he has been abusive throughout your life I would advise not to become his carer. If you are already dealing with mental health issues it would make your health worse, and cause new health issues.

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Rive. · Aug 01, 2021 at 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

It IS a legal requirement in about half the states. To check your state, google "filial responsibility XX" where XX is your state postal abbreviation.

I posted this at the beginning of the thread. Does everybody have me on ignore or what?!

Woah, hold your horses. This is *not* what I said. I did not comment on whether it was legal or not because I do not have this knowledge. I said IF something is not legal then blah blah.

Please, read my post properly before lashing out at me.

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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 39,835 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.3k hugs given	Jul 28, 2021 at 07:57 AM #3 Google "filial responsibility NJ" or whatever your state is. Just sayin', i lucked out. You have my sympathies.
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Jul 28, 2021 at 09:01 AM #4 What if you speak to an experienced person such as a social worker at an elder care agency and get some ideas and perspective from that person?
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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,011 10	Jul 29, 2021 at 08:45 AM #10 If something is not a legal requirement, there is no obligation to do anything. Now, moral obligation is a different kettle of fish. It's simply a conversation between each individual and their conscience, which is still not a legal requirement.
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