Lost in my marriage

I have been married to my husband for 12 years. We were friends and then dated for 6 months when I became pregnant. We both have struggled with mental health- depression and anxiety. I have worked with therapists over the years. He has refused but gets meds prescribed. We have have had issues for many years now which he has agreed exist. There is no intimacy or affection from him, which he blames on his meds. He also has a tendency to "mother" me and expect me to care for him and do things for him. I also feel like he constantly criticizes me and so I can't talk to him about things. I feel like I'm constantly walking in eggshells to not piss him off. He is always so miserable and makes others miserable with his attitude. We have 2 children (9&13) and they are the reason that I stay with him. I just don't know if I'm being petty. I thought that I could stay but I don't know if I can continue like this.

I am very sorry you are going through this situation. Are you looking for emotional support on this forum? Or are you looking for advice?

So Sorry you're going through this! Please Do not give up! i agree with the wise and wonderful Britedark about being So Sorry for your situation. It seems like things are being pretty difficult. Have you tried to talk to your husband about this and how unhappy you are? It seems like now may be a good moment to bring this up for your Family as well. Perhaps you may suggest couple counseling if he's willing to try it although if he doesn't want therapy it may be hard. i think he should definitely consider therapy since this is affecting you too as well as the Family it seems so i'd suggest to make him understand that therapy may prove necessary for your Marriage right now. Hopefully he will understand and try to improve things for himself and his Family. Please do update us if possible if you want to. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @NotJanice, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I don't see what you describe as "petty". There is no intimacy of any kind and he is not a partner who provides physical and/or emotional support. These are not the hallmarks of a satisfying or fulfilling relationship.

Would he consider couples' counselling?

Otherwise, you would have to decide how to move forward within this relationship.

Thank you everyone. I have attempted to get him to attend couples counseling multiple times. He goes for 1 session and refuses to continue.

I think that I am looking for emotional support. I feel like a bad person for wanting to leave

I am also looking for advice on how to move forward.

Hi @NotJanice - welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry your marriage is presenting so many challenges.

No one knows your life and the consequences of your actions as much as you do, so no matter what people tell you, please consider any ideas as options to weigh and consider carefully before proceeding after "sleeping on it" many nights.

Without children, relationships are much simpler to make decisions about. Children bring up questions like,

• "How would our children be provided for financially with parents separated?"
• How would they feel and react emotionally with a separation?"
• "Are they safe now or is the home becoming toxic and unsupportive?

Depending on how you answer these questions, it could have a profound effect on what way might be the best.

As far as your situation, the thing I worry about most is are you able to do self care in the situation? Is the relationship at a point where the harm to yourself is making your mental health situation much worse? Are you at risk of breaking down and not being able to be a mother to your children and friend to yourself.

Even if he will not go to a therapist, you certainly could benefit from that. A therapist is someone on your side trying to weigh the situation and how it is affecting all family members. They can help you with resources that could help you cope with the situation the way it is and or make a transition to a new living arrangement if that is the best alternative.

MSF is a great community and glad you joined to get support and meet people in similar situations. Hope you get the support you are looking for.

With kind regards,
CANDC

I feel that you are describing the way my partner feels sometimes. We are in a great relationship in many ways but there are times when I have problems in the relationship and my partner will often feel compelled to walk on eggshells. I sometimes sense this and she will often tell me. It is linked to my bpd and self esteem problems. It is hard to admit to and makes for really hard work in our relationship but for us it is worth it. Please don't think I am making excuses for your partner. I think my relationship's survival depends on trying to be honest and working at it which hopefully works. Without that it must be really hard. I hope things get better for you soon.

I'm sorry you are in such a miserable situation. It sounds like you entered this marriage reluctantly. Are you very financially dependent on your husband? How do you think divorce would impact your children? Consider how keeping this marriage going is affecting them. I doubt that a man like you're describing is all that positive toward his kids. Are they walking on eggshells too?

Your other option is to renegotiate your relationship with this man. I don't mean you sit down and you both sign a new contract - though that wouldn't be a bad idea. What I mean is: Stop walking on the eggshells. Let him blow up every now and then. He'll get over it.

You have made yourself small around him, in hopes of placating him. It's not working. Start taking up more space in that home. Have more respect for your own perceptions and feelings. Is it really true that you "don't know if [you're] being petty?" Nothing you've shared in your post is evidence of pettiness on your part. So are you holding back on us and not letting us see how unfair and nitpicking you can be? Or was your description of your marriage pretty accurate? If he really is constantly criticizing you, doesn't that mean that he is the petty one?

Maybe you could change how you respond to being criticized. Next time he starts, say: "Stop it. Stop berating me and picking on me." Then walk away from him, like, into another room. If he keeps it up, say: "No, I do not deserve you dumping on me. You are wrong to speak to me like that." By changing your behavior, he might have to rethink what he's doing.

No therapist is going to have any impact on your husband. I doubt if the pills he's taking are doing anything either. He takes them, so he can believe he is a sick, tortured soul and entitled to act badly because he can't help it. He's mad at life. He's unhappy, and he wants you to be unhappy too. Maybe you could try ignoring him, or, at least, make believe you are ignoring him. He'll get "pissed off." Let him.

I know it's easy for me to say all this. I'm not stuck under the same roof as him. It's hard to act different from how you are in the habit of acting. You can't change him. Try changing you. Refuse to let him control what you say. Make yourself less predictable. I know you fear him getting mad and taking it out on the kids. Decide that the kids and you can tolerate him being difficult. Take the kids and go get ice cream, while he goes into a major sulk without an audience to impress. You'll have to experiment.

I can't really add much to the advice here. I'm just erring on the side of your husband, not discounting anything you've said. No one has thought about the fact you have no affection or intimacy from him. I'd like to mean if you say nothing, do you really mean nothing? Does he hug you, or try at least in some physical way to show you his support? If you are young, intimacy in marriage is so important, well at any age it's kind of a glue that keeps people together. The same with having childeren.

How does he behave around your children? Does he encourage and support them in any way, or do you feel you are doing all of the work?

Medications do have the side effect, I experience that myself, of making sex almost impossible. Maybe if you tell him to explore options or suggest it, doctors can give anti depressants that don't have sexual side effects. If it's his whole attitude toward you and you don't feel supported and the children don't either, plus he's not willing to go to counselling (men don't really think it helps sometimes).... and you look at the big picture and future of you two.... if you are both completely unhappy, it might be time to talk about separation. Even a short separation can sometimes bring some peace so you can both sit back at look at it from a new perspective. Best wishes to you both.