What's reasonable regarding an ex wife?

I don't know what's reasonable anymore. My husband's ex wife, whom at one point he hated and called "dragon lady" has had another bout of cancer. I told him I don't mind at all if he's periodically in touch with her regarding her health. I mean, of course, right? She's sick, so of course it's only human that he would care about her health.

But where are the boundaries drawn? I mean, since we've been together, she has asked him to come to her home and fix her TV and cable on two separate occasions because he set it up and was the only one who knew how to fix it. Then she texts him every year on the anniversary of his brother's passing, and she also still calls his mother to talk. That feels strange to. me, after so many years that they've been apart and after he's been remarried.

But Ok, I get it. They were married for 14 years. They have a history and she was a part of his family. And I get it that she wants to offer her support over his brother's tragic death. But his brother died 18 years ago - does she still need to text my husband every year on the anniversary? Does she need to text him on his birthday? I don't even know if she does this too, but it feels like she wants any excuse to be in touch with him or connected to him in some way, and I suspect she still has feelings for my husband. It's just what I suspect... it's my gut feeling. And since this is my gut feeling, I feel that it's disrespectful to ME as his current wife to be this involved in his life.

I don't know if I am being unreasonable, though - am I? Maybe t's an individual thing... the ex wife being involved in your spouse's life, but for me, it rubs me the wrong way in every way except for her health issues. That I DO understand.

And for me, I feel like an ex needs to be just that - an ex and someone who is not in your life anymore in any way. I am not in touch with ANY ex of mine, and if I have been, it's been very little and very brief. But that's just me, and I wonder if it's unreasonable.

So what do people think? Where are the lines drawn with an ex spouse? What's appropriate and what's not appropriate?

I agree with you, it’s crossing a line (as it makes you uncomfortable) and unless they had children together (doesn’t sound like they did), there’s no real reason for them to be in contact now. I get some exes can be friends, but I think those people would have likely been friends anyway if they hadn’t been a couple - healthy romance needs to be based on friendship in the first place, after all. Shared history is often cited as a reason people remain friends/lovers but a lot of the time that translates as the sunk cost fallacy.
Have you asked him to make her limit contact with him? I suspect he might also just be enjoying having two women giving him attention.

No. I don’t believe it is ok at all. Unless you got together with your husband and there was already an established relationship that you knew about and accepted. Other than that exes should be exes. TV broken? Call the repairman. Struggling with loss or pain? Go see a therapist. Whatever made them get divorced is still there. Or it could resurface but the likelihood of them emotionally connecting is very high. I’d have to look up stats.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

If there are no parenting reasons to maintain the contact, then there should be NO relationship no matter what's wrong with her. She needs to be reaching out to her own family/man.

I see that you are here in the USA. here relationships whether they are acquaintances, friends, close friends, friends with benefits, committed to each other or exes of any kind whats reasonable and not reasonable is a personal choice depending upon those in the relationship....

in other words it is up to your husband and his ex wife to say what is reasonable and unreasonable in their after break up relationship.

the same goes for the ex's side of the family... it is up to your husband and his ex inlaws and so forth to decide for their self what is reasonable and unreasonable for their relationships.

think of it this way... your husband can not say who you can and cant be friends with and what kinds of contact with your friends is reasonable or unreasonable. it is you that gets to decide that.

my suggestion is that if this continues to concern and worry you, talk with your husband, explain why you are feeling uncomfortable and work out with him what your marital expectations are in regards to ....... both.......... of your contacts with ex's. I say both because its normal for husbands to have ex's and its normal for wives to have ex's in their lives whether those ex's are loved ones or doctors, or co workers and so forh. this is a marital issue that needs to be worked out between you and your husband on marital expectations where contact with various ex's are concerned.

how my wife and I worked out this situation was that we both sat down and talked and we both feel each other has equal rights to have friends and choose their own friends and that includes our past relationships of any kind. I have my ex loves and she has her ex loves and sometimes we do have contact with our ex's. and we dont place any limits on each others friendships and contacts with ex's. on both sides my wife and I consider the ex's family. for us we didnt stop loving those people in the ex family just because we fell out of love with the ex. for us they are still family, and if any of them need us for any reason we try our best to be there for them. we have all gone through natural disasters, deaths and illnesses together. it was actually an ex side of the family that stepped up with my wife and I lost our home to a hurricane, it was an ex that stepped up when my daughter needed after surgery care and both my wife and I had to work, and my wife and I were there when an ex's wife died of covid this past year.

I can understand that you feel upset and concerned about your husband but what goes on between your husband and his ex and that side of the family it up to them to decide what it reasonable and unreasonable. thats life in america. freedom to choose and live ones own life including friendships with ex's and ex's family the way we choose to.

talk with your husband.

There's no children involved and I tend to agree with several of you, for all the reasons you each outlined. I guess the softhearted (perhaps too softhearted) part of me feels like he could ask her about her health from time to time, but I do think that opens the door for them to connect more and more and also emotionally, as @sarahsweets says. We've been separated and are back together, so the last thing I need is for his ex to cause a rift or distance between us and for them to connect on things possibly even having to do with me.

And, I just don't trust her. Asking him to come over twice to fix the TV? Come on... that's very transparent to me. Yes, she could have called a technician. And not just once, but TWICE he had to go over there? I think she has also texted him to wish him a happy Thanksgiving too. To me, this is very disrespectful towards ME, his WIFE and DOES cross the line. Come on.. go get your own man and leave mine alone.

And yes, perhaps he has enjoyed the attention, but he did block her a while ago out of respect for my wishes.

This morning I told him he could unblock her and ask about her health, then I changed my mind and requested that he keep her blocked. I really don't need this added aggravation or third party involved my/our lives.

So Sorry for your Losses! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i am afraid i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters. i think there's not a problem in keeping in touch regarding subjects like her own mental halth but other stuff like the tv i think may be crossing boundaries. Perhaps your husband can simply contact her regarding important stuff and decline to answer if it's about stuff that's not too important. In any case that is up to you both to decide. Love. Stay Safe. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks for your thoughts. That sounds fine for both of you since you're both comfortable with it, but for me, it's not fine. I am not comfortable with his ex being in his life. It makes me most uncomfortable, and like I wrote above, I think she's having trouble letting him go.

yep i agree - unless its necessary because there are kids involved - they are divorced & neither of need to still be so moved as to be constantly compelled to remain in touch with one another.
i get that divorce doesnt turn ever feel of endearment off but it wasnt enough to have held them together back when they made the decesion to get a divorce and go their seperate ways.
she obviously has other people to lean on during her illnesss and there are many other resources available to her for help doing the things she needs others to do for her.
any tech person can do tech related jobs no matter who has already worked on it prior to them becoming involved. and im sure there are other people in her life to offer their comfort & support to her during her times of need
it really is not for you to decide who she does or doesnt talk to amoungst her ex inlaws any more thsn its up to you to tell her who else she can talk to .. i understand how it must seem very inappropriate to you that she is doing it.. it has nothing to do with you to and there is no reason for you to take it upon yourself to invite yourself in & meddle into business that doesnt involve you..
i doubt there is much you can do to stop her from calling him on the anniversary of his brother dying and sending him birthday cards .. im not sure you can do amything to stop her from contining to do those things but he does not need to answer the phone nor does he need to stay on the phone and listen to her talk... he does not need to open the mail she sends him .. he only needs to look to see who sent it and pitch it in the garbage just like you do with all the junk mail you get.
if this is truely a major issue with you then its time for you to take a stand, spell it out to him in a way that will make it absolutely clear to him what options he has to choose between and how the choice he makes is going to unfold in the future outcome of your marriage .

My ex and I are in touch and very friendly. We text and occasionally call each other. We also are in occasional touch with each other family members (some). But we share a child and he is the father of my daughter’s siblings. So we are important to each other. We will be seeing each other in two weeks at our daughters wedding. My ex husband is not a threat to my current marriage as we have zero feelings for each other. and my husband knows it. I would not be willing to alter my friendship with my ex and if my husband had an issue with that, he’d have to figure out how to come to term with it. But my husband actually likes my ex.

Having said that, if we had no children together we would not keep in touch. I am sure we wouldn’t.

Now if your husband and his ex keeping in touch bothers you, he is the one to address it with. It’s not her job to make sure you are respected or disrespected. It’s his job. He is the one married to you. So if you feel disrespected it’s on him to work on it. Just because she calls and asks for things, it doesn’t mean he must comply. He is free to not go along with it. It sounds like they are both ok with this arrangement.

As what’s normal… whatever people think is normal. Your husband and his ex find it normal. Many people find such arrangement abnormal. So it’s very individual. Now her calling his mom isn’t something you could or should control. But him being in constant touch with ex might need to stop as it’s clearly uncomfortable for you and it’s a bit weird as they had no kids. I’d bring it up with him and make it his responsibility. Not hers.

Are you afraid to bring it up with your husband and tell him to stop being in touch with her? It’s on him to keep doing it

I had exes who had feelings for me (not my ex husband), it was my job to put a stop to it. It would be disrespectful to my husband keep talking to them.

I am not afraid to talk about it with him and have several times. He finally blocked her on his phone because of my feelings and out of respect for me.

This morning I had a change of heart given her illness and also his father’s recent death, but then after more thought I think it’s best if she remains blocked.

Her staying blocked is a good choice. She should be able to talk to his family if they are close, but there’s no need to be talking to your husband. I’d think if they get along that well, they’d still be married. There’s a reason they are divorced. They should move on. This just perpetuates connection that shouldn’t be there. She must stay blocked

Yeah I told him he should keep her blocked and he said ok.

I was questioning myself yesterday thinking he could unblock her but now I don’t think he should. It would only invite contact from her.

Thank you to all who helped me to make a wise decision. I greatly appreciate the input and support!

He will keep her blocked, and that way, it does not encourage any contact from her. I agree with all posters who tell me there is no need for them to be in touch given there are no children involved AND that she can find others to support her through her illness besides my husband.

You all helped me to make this decision, so thank you!

I hope it's okay to add my input although you seem to have your mind straight on what is right for you.

My husband has been divorced from his ex many years and we've been married 23 years, from the get go I met her and her h and honestly I had no problem. However, I liked and trusted her - you don't appear to. Even to this day I think of her as a dear friend.

I just wanted to throw my experience into this because anything is possible and what works for some will not work for others but even when no children are involved (We have a child but they didn't) exes can have perfectly good friendships which do not threaten other relationships. It doesn't sound like it's the case for you and your husband's ex as you do feel threatened however.

My husband's ex is single and is without a new husband. This makes all the difference.

Yes I can see you do regard her as a threat and have addressed this now with him.

I think besides that there is another issue of him claiming that he was abused by his ex wife, she beat him up and he was mistreated and now all of a sudden they are so chummy. If I told my husband that I was abused by a man, but then I was all friendly with an abuser, my husband would be concerned.

This guy either lied about abuse in his past marriage or something else is going on here.

In addition hope’s husband is not trustworthy, he is known to lie. He is known to be too chummy with women including exchanging romantic messages. I’d not trust him to be just friendly with ex. Not saying something fishy is happening but emotional infidelity might be taking place. I’d not be surprised if they are that friendly, he likely discussed marital problems that he has with hope. I’d not trust this man at all. Not at this point.

You are referring to a normal situation being friendly with exes when people all get along and can trust each other. This situation isn’t normal whatsoever.

I trust him now far better than I have. I know he is sincere in his feelings towards me and that he is sincere in his commitment to me at this stage. That was a bad period we went through. He was in the wrong, for certain, but we seem to have gotten past that hump, for the most part. My mistrust in this situation is not of HIM but of HER. I think she still has feelings for him, or wants some level of connection to him and hasn't yet let go. It's evident in all her actions. Not once has he reached out to her to just say "happy thanksgiving" or "happy birthday". He only has reached out or has initiated contact about her breast cancer and nothing more. I believe him when he says she has hit him in the past and I believe that she was verbally abusive - but so was he. He has been towards me, so I am sure he was towards her, too. He forgives. He has forgiven me for saying horrible things to him in the heat of the moment. I understand forgiveness too. I forgave my abusive ex just before he died. It happens. I think in this case with his ex, she doesn't want to let go of him entirely. And it shows. So SHE'S the one I don't trust. He promises to the heavens above that he will never hurt me again. And I believe him this time.