A question for married long timers

I don't have to tell any of you that marriage is more about what you can tolerate than anything else.
There are times when you want to leave that person and times when you think you can never let go of them.
And sometimes there are times when you discover something extremely shocking and you know things will never be the same ever again. The question you have to ask yourself is "do I stay or do I go?"?

Last night I was just goofing around on the internet and was chatting with friends. I don't know why but I thought I would check out this website my husband was on that he had mentioned to me about a year ago. I remember his screen name so I checked it out. Bad idea. Very bad idea. The first thing I noticed was that under marital status, he just left it blank. He denies he was married and he denied me. Then it got worse. I noticed he joined a singles group.

I am so done with him but I need him. I have to be driven to my Ketamine appointments, I'm not allowed to drive. For good reason. I don't have anyone else. He provides the food and the shelter and all that goes with it. I am 100% disabled. I get a small check from SSI every month. It pays my medical bills. I can't live off of it though.

So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i am not Married myself. i think it is hard for me to give advice without fully knowing your situation but joining a singles group is definitely fishy as that would mean that he may actually be interested in cheating? i am not sure. i'd suggest to confront him about this, if you can and want to. If you don't mind sharing what else has he done to make you doubt your Marriage? i think it may be a good idea to make a pro/con list about staying or leaving. Also looking for a job may prove helpful as at least you'd be indipendend and be able to make your own decisions i think. So Sorry you have to put up with this. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Do you have any kids? Much Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Werewoman, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

100% disabled means you can't work. Plus my frequent ketamine infusions leave me weak and lethargic.

I’m sorry you had the hurtful experience of learning your husband did that. Is it a site he is still active on or was it from a year ago? Since he told you about it then, it makes me think he didn’t feel he was doing something wrong. Have you confronted him about it yet? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, could he have omitted his marital status and been in a singles group for some other purpose than to cheat?

I completely understand about how you will stay with him regardless because you need him. Good for you for not blowing it up only to hurt yourself and rather being wise and careful about how to proceed.

I am sorry. It’s a dilemma. I’d proceed with caution and try to find out what kind of group is it and what’s his goal in joining such a group. Is it for dating and finding intimate partners or is it for activities he enjoys and it’s just happens to be singles group? I have a married friend who belongs to singles biking and hiking group. Her husband wouldn’t bike and hike so the only good hiking group is singles group.

I remember in the past he had a problem with some of your activities. Talk to him first. Of course he might lie but ask him to show you what messages are exchanged in the group. It might be innocent

Also when you think of it you’ve had feelings for other people in the course of the marriage and I recall you reported you actually fell in love with one of your submissive or something. Your husband didn’t leave you but he requested you stop it or something like that. I know you didn't consider it cheating but he likely doesn’t consider joining singles groups cheating either (and technically just joining a group isn’t probably cheating).

So is the issue him being secretive and hiding that he is married or is it him joining singles group? Bottom line talk to him first and see what he has to say

Sorry, i didn't understand that! Is a part-Time job allowed?

She CANNOT work. It’s not about what’s allowed.

I think she means she can’t work.

That’s quite a dilemma. When I asked my now ex husband to leave I did not have a job and when I tried to work I found out I was disabled. That lasted for 10 years. I rode my bike or took the bus to appointments. I did not however have ketamine injections. Have you talked to your psychiatrist about your situation?

Sorry!

I'm allowed to earn $1100 a month but I've got to get my MI under control first.

I stand corrected. Sorry. See OP’s response

i think that's a wise Good decision!

He's not publicly active that I can tell but he could be using private messaging and I wouldn't know.
I haven't confronted him. I'm trying to decide if it's worth the trouble. Past experience has taught me he'll minimize it and probably tell me that I'm overreacting.
The singles group usually meet at a bar once a month for the purpose of finding a hookup. I don't know if he's been or not. He doesn't drink.
Thank you. My usual reaction is to just go off.
An interesting side note, his paternal grandfather kept a mistress for 20 years and left her an inheritance when he died. His father cheated on his mother frequently, by his own admission. Then my husband married his high school sweetheart and he told me they cheated on each other. So why on earth was I naive enough to believe he wouldn't cheat on me.

Maybe you thought because he admitted to cheating on his first wife, he was going to be honest going forward? A lot of people don’t admit to cheating on former spouses.

I've been married for close to 40 years. Believe me, the older you get the more you need each other. The companionship, sure, but for practical reasons life is immensely easier with a partner.

I would think once, twice, and 100 more times before you'd leave your husband over an internet thing he may or may not be active on.


Even if you think you know, or do know, how he'll respond talk with him about the discovery you made. Try not to argue (arguing won't help either of you, and it will probably divert his attention off the main subject). Let him know that you know. Be smart about the reality of your own needs.

I agree with the suggestion you consider talking to him, perhaps in a while, when you feel ready and calm enough.

It's not necessarily cheating but it sounds like something you might want to agree boundaries on.

As a long time married person I'd say it's always worth giving each other time and space to be heard. I would approach this openly and without confrontation (that tends to make people defensive).

I am surprised that no one has really addressed this paragraph. Is he aware that you feel this way about him? I mean, essentially he is a meal ticket and taxi service. What does he get out of the relationship? I guess it sort of stuck a nerve with me, because I had an ex like that. It is one of the main reasons why he is an ex. I got sick of feeling like I was being used.


It sounds like your only option is to stick it out until you can find a way to support yourself. What would you do if he left you? You would have to find some way to survive.

I agree with the previous comment that you should try to bring it up at a moment when you are calm to keep things from getting too confrontational.



I have been married 12 years and I'd have to disagree with your statement that, "marriage is more about what you can tolerate than anything else." I certainly don't feel that way about my husband. We actually enjoy being married to each other.

If he is the only one working, then you’ll be awarded alimony and since you are in disability, you’d likely be getting spousal support until social security age or for life. My husbands ex was awarded hefty alimony and he wasn’t even making that much at the time, she wasn’t on disability but refused to work. Even though she did work at some point, judge awarded her alimony because she didn’t work at the time of divorce. So I am sure in your situation courts won’t let you go without his support

Yea, after 33 years of marriage I finally had enough. I was on permanent disability at that point. I took the inheritance my mom left me & left him. A few years ago when I had a legal court case against him, it was the first time in 11 years I actually talked to him. I found out that he was sure when I left that I would be back with him in 2 years because I was in such bad shape mentally & physically when I left. I didn't come back to him in 2 years & actually being away from him I was able to heal mentally which fixed the physical too & I have thrived since leaving him & living life alone.

Sometimes we do feel trapped due to circumstances yet sometimes the leaving makes the impossible, possible. It is hard to know when we are in the middle of it all to know which way to turn especially after so many years together & a dependency is always there after so many years....that is just kinda natural.

In my case, leaving was the best thing I could have done....but we each have our own circumstances that must be considered & priorities made within our circumstances