I'm starting to feel my family is disintegrating

My family has never been perfect but there seems to be A LOT of animosity either between my dad and my sister or my brother and my dad. This seems to be more so lately than before, there was always friction between my brother and my dad. I know my dad isn't perfect and is a bit of a narcissist, I never noticed it until my brother and sister pointed it out. But he has a tendency to constantly want something from someone, thinks that we work for him, tries to order us around like we are his servants and etc. And of course if you disagree with him, you are wrong and you are stupid. And because he's 84 years old and has COPD that gets used as a weapon.

I ignore a lot of what my dad does but I know its not right to do that but what can you do? He's never going to change, not at 84.

Is this one of those moments in life where you should just walk away just to preserve your own sanity and happiness.

Grey rock is often cited as a good technique to use with narcissistic people. You’re not ignoring them, but you’re not really engaging either. I’m sorry you’re struggling with him, but I get what you mean. My dad could be quite similar, right down to occasionally trying to organising stuff without asking us if we’d be willing to do it first. He wouldn’t order us around as such but just expected us to accept these “chores” we never signed up for.

My dad is 70 something and he does not care about how his words or actions affect me. I lost my medical insurance because of him.
I would say do what you need to do to protect your sanity, whether that’s no contact , low contact .

So Sorry for what is happenigng! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i think it is always hard when there's animosity between Family members. Unfortunately there's only so much that you can do since they need to sort out their own problems i believe. You can Help of course but i am not sure if there's much else. i am afraid i must agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about limiting communication with him if necessary. You can still keep in touch just not as much as earlier perhaps if you need to stay healthy. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @BorisTheAnimal, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

im not meaning to set off any alarms with you by saying this but its been my observation thru the years that when older folks start to become even more so than normally are
. angry and get hostil and get snippy and argumentitive and critical ... its a "mind game" or"buffer" or call it what you may but its their way to make themselves be less emotionally in anguish that they will be leaving all their loved ones behind when they die.
they push everyone away and get mad at people and it helps then be "glad to get the heck away from those jerks" type mindset...
it too is in the same token their way to help the folks they come unglued on to get the same negative feeling towards them so it wont be so bad to them when they die cuz it will be the same " good riddence thank goodness thats the last gotta put up with that crabby jerk'.
they get scared, they get sad, they get regretful, they get angry, they get bitter, anxious, releived, excited.. its a lot to sort out and come to terms with the reality that theres not a whole lot more sand left in your hour glass and yes we still have more years left to live but bottom line our days of living are behind us now.
its easy to look at cranky old folks and get irated and upset and offended by things they say and do and how they act and how they treat us... sure it is .. they can get pretty dang nasty thats for sure. just try to rationalize the mindset that it stems from and understand that while its gonna seem harsh and brutal and insulting .. the true intent it means to imply is he really saying the exact opposite of those things & its coming deeply heartfelt..
if hes been grouchy all his life hes mot gonna chamge that now ... thats who he is... thats the only way he knows how to express himself, and all you need to do is read it as what is symbolizes and take it as that is really being meant by what hes saying.
hes still gonna get your goat and nag and nit pick and your still gonna wanna wish you you just tell him to shut the f&$# up.. but know in the deep down bottom of your heart he doesnt now & he never did hate you at all .. he always has , still does and always will love you very, very much

I'm sure what you are saying is true because he has been talking about death a lot lately. Keeps telling us he's going to die that particular day and of course nothing happens. But he also it a bit of a drama queen because everything is the end of the world with him.

He has ALWAYS been a difficult miserable person and the fact that he has COPD doesn't make it any better. But he also doesn't do anything to help himself. And when he decides he's not going to do something, you might as well forget it. He just sits in the kitchen all day playing with his tablet, constantly ruminating or at night watching TV. The VA wanted to bring in Hospice to help him out and etc....but one requirement was to clear up the clutter in the house....of course he refused to cooperate.

His favorite target is my brother who happens to be the oldest but they have never gotten along. And he also thinks that his children exist to serve him, well sorry we are adults and that's not going to fly anymore. Unfortunately we don't have the buffer anymore of my mom as she passed away some time ago.
These past few weeks he has been worse than usual and I think that has something to do with my office opening back up and I'm not working from home anymore. Well, excuse me I don't exist to entertain him and I'm glad I am back in the office...give me some breathing room.

I'm starting to wonder if he is starting to lose it mentally because of these endless verbal attacks and the constant misery. Thanks for listening

BorisTheAnimal

Your father sounds a lot like my mother.

She's also turned to talking about death as another attempt to guilt trip me. Hasn't even had courtesy to let me know her latest drug order has arrived. Okay, I could contact her but quite honestly, I know how that conversation will go.

It's my birthday in two weeks and my aunt wants us to get together, go out for lunch. She thinks it's about time this issue was resolved. Mother will hijack the day by saying how depressed she is and no one bothers about her. Did this three years ago. Know it will be revenge for what happened recently on her birthday and all the horrible (yet true) things I've said and done recently.

Going back to the subject of death. She's recently said that the rift between my sister-in-law and me will never be resolved. What are we going to do, sit on different sides of the church? Really had to bite my tongue and not say "well you won't know, will you?!"

I'm actually starting to ignore when the drama starts, but we shouldn't have to be subjected to this constant verbal and emotional abuse. He thinks because he's our father he can push us around and say whatever he wants. But, heaven forbid if we push back, then we get the BS of "I'm your father". And that supposed to mean something to me from someone who has been an asshole on and off over the past few years. He's one of these people that thinks he can say whatever he wants no matter how hurtful it may be and people are supposed to just take it. He wonders why he has no friends, its because he can't keep his mouth shut.