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Lostsoulatx
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Default Aug 02, 2021 at 01:36 PM
  #1
I don't know who I am anymore but I hate the person I've become. I bend and conform to those around me, always wanting to fit in but in reality I've been alienating myself. People see right through it. Everyone but me. I have to be told everything. I can't figure out anything for myself, even the most obvious. I think that's why I sought this out...because I can't figure this out for myself. I hardly follow through with anything. I don't always get back to people or respond in a reasonable time. I have no friends. I have no one to talk to. I do things in my time. Good or bad, right or wrong. I justify it to myself to make it okay when it's not. And everyone in my life pays for it. I've hardly spoken with my grandma, who I love dearly, in the last twenty years. She would tell me all of the time that she wished I called her more. I didn't. I am just now starting to as she turns 87 this year. I'm a selfish *********. It's been about me my whole life. I'm an only child and it shows. My mom would tell me that all of the time growing up. My parents would beg me to call more. I didn't. Maybe in the last year and a half I call every other week. My mom always talks first but the second I start going on about myself, she hands me off to my dad. I would feel hurt when she did this but now, finally, I get it. But why do I get it? Because my girlfriend of 10 1/2 years just broke up with me because she's been pointing stuff like that out to me for years and it's just now starting to click with me. When it's too late. The crap I've put her through mentally and emotionally. Even though she would tell me, it would just go in one ear and out the other. After a fight I thought i was trying to change. I really didn't. I would start thinking about things and justify in my head that it wasn't that bad when in reality I've put her through hell. I don't want her to leave but I've given her no reason to stay and it's my fault. A house full stuff and memories, animals, all of it will be gone and I have no one to blame but myself. I want to change but I keep falling back on bad habits and I have no explanation for why I do what I do. My whole life is one bad habit. I'm not looking for empathy. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm mad at myself and I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. Zero friends. My girl is everything but I didn't show that. I'm going to be 40 this year, I have a bs degree that I'm not using, and a low level job. In a nutshell I'm a loser. I'm a mess.

Last edited by CANDC; Aug 02, 2021 at 07:42 PM.. Reason: remove profanity
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Default Aug 02, 2021 at 10:18 PM
  #2
Sometimes with only children too much focus is on that one child and that can lead to what you are describing. The good thing is that you are at a point where you have sat and wrote out the things about yourself and your life that has led to your being unhappy.

This is a good time to start seeing a therapist so you can understand what created these challenges and how to go about making gradual changes.
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Default Aug 03, 2021 at 02:39 AM
  #3
I agree with Open Eyes, therapy can be a good place to start. You can't change your past no matter how much you regret it. The only thing to do is to learn your lesson and move on. Look, none of us was born perfect and hindsight is always 20/20. But being in the moment, it is often difficult to see things clearly. I am sure you did not do anything with malicious intent, and you would have behaved differently had you realised what you were doing wrong. Now that you have done some self-introspection you are in an amazing position to turn your life around. Be the man you want to be. Connect with your family and friends. I am sure you had some friends from school or the neighbourhood. See if you can find them on social media. Take small steps to improve your life.
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Default Aug 03, 2021 at 07:24 AM
  #4
So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about contacting a therapist if you want to start working on this behavior of yours. i think i can relate a bit to what you're writing as i also avoid contact with Loved Ones even though i shouldn't. i think you're still in time to change this. Please do try to do something about this. i Hope things will improve really soon for you and that you will be able to get back with your girlfriend. i don't think you're a loser, just a person who's struggling and it is not your fault since you grew up like this it seems although i'd say it is your responsability now that you're adult to improve things if you want to. Sorry if that sounds harsh, i didn't mean to. i do Apologize then, Ok. Stay Safe. Be Strong. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Lostsoulatx, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Aug 03, 2021 at 08:47 AM
  #5
I dont think you are a loser. I think you are a person in need of support, like all of us.
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Default Aug 03, 2021 at 12:54 PM
  #6
Quote:
I have no explanation for why I do what I do.
Therapy would be a good place to explore these.

It is good that you are aware of the part you played in all of these relationships. Change is always possible for someone willing to put in the work. It is not too late to turn your life around but yes, a professional would be the best place to start.
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Default Aug 04, 2021 at 01:51 AM
  #7
I'm sorry to read things haven't been going well for you, there's nothing you've written which makes me believe you deserve harsh judgement of being a loser however. Life isn't about winning or losing and challenges are part of It, if we struggle with that it's part of being human.

I agree that therapy may be very useful in helping you unpack your life, and gaining a greater understanding and insight. There are a few things you write that stand out to me - namely being told you were an only child and it showed, also the fact your mother hands the phone over to your father when you talk about yourself. It's amazing how many parents saddle their children with unhelpful labels and I wonder how many times you've been truly 'heard' in your life? I'm not blaming your parents btw because they're human too.

Therapy might help you understand all of this bigger picture. Good luck!
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Default Aug 04, 2021 at 02:59 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostsoulatx View Post
I don't know who I am anymore but I hate the person I've become. I bend and conform to those around me, always wanting to fit in but in reality I've been alienating myself. People see right through it. Everyone but me. I have to be told everything. I can't figure out anything for myself, even the most obvious. I think that's why I sought this out...because I can't figure this out for myself. I hardly follow through with anything. I don't always get back to people or respond in a reasonable time. I have no friends. I have no one to talk to. I do things in my time. Good or bad, right or wrong. I justify it to myself to make it okay when it's not. And everyone in my life pays for it. I've hardly spoken with my grandma, who I love dearly, in the last twenty years. She would tell me all of the time that she wished I called her more. I didn't. I am just now starting to as she turns 87 this year. I'm a selfish *********. It's been about me my whole life. I'm an only child and it shows. My mom would tell me that all of the time growing up. My parents would beg me to call more. I didn't. Maybe in the last year and a half I call every other week. My mom always talks first but the second I start going on about myself, she hands me off to my dad. I would feel hurt when she did this but now, finally, I get it. But why do I get it? Because my girlfriend of 10 1/2 years just broke up with me because she's been pointing stuff like that out to me for years and it's just now starting to click with me. When it's too late. The crap I've put her through mentally and emotionally. Even though she would tell me, it would just go in one ear and out the other. After a fight I thought i was trying to change. I really didn't. I would start thinking about things and justify in my head that it wasn't that bad when in reality I've put her through hell. I don't want her to leave but I've given her no reason to stay and it's my fault. A house full stuff and memories, animals, all of it will be gone and I have no one to blame but myself. I want to change but I keep falling back on bad habits and I have no explanation for why I do what I do. My whole life is one bad habit. I'm not looking for empathy. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm mad at myself and I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. Zero friends. My girl is everything but I didn't show that. I'm going to be 40 this year, I have a bs degree that I'm not using, and a low level job. In a nutshell I'm a loser. I'm a mess.

I can relate to some of this. I second the advice to talk to a therapist.
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