Stuck in the most stressful triangle

Hi there. I'm having a really tough time with my relationship. Me and my boyfriend had broken up after 2 years because we couldn't agree on the timing of getting married. He really wanted to get married in 2021 and my parents were not happy with that because I am doing a fellowship year in my training program and they wanted me to wait until after I was done. Last month we decided to try again and get back together. It's a crazy stressful triangle between my parents, my boyfriend, and his parents. My mom has a strong feeling against him because she feels he does not support me enough. She got into her head one time that he is no good because Valentine's Day with him was not that special. He had some mouth sore at the time that was killing him and he didn't really do anything to make me feel special and loved that day. I guess he's not really into surprising me or being romantic like that. When we go out to a restaurant, he does not surprise me by picking the place, almost like he's doing me a favor by letting me get to pick. He also did not come one time to help me move because he had a family emergency come up that day and me and my dad seemed to have it covered and told him not to worry about it. Apparently my dad resents him that he did not come help us move. My boyfriend texted my dad one time to ask if he could propose to me and my dad was vague on the phone and ultimately stopped responding to his texts because he felt too pressured. So my boyfriend kind of feels angry at my dad for rejecting him at that time and "ruining" his plans for the ideal proposal he had planned. My dad came to visit us to get to know him better after that but apparently my dad did not really feel all that comfortable around him and my boyfriend only came two times to meet with him that week. It's a tough situation. Obviously my boyfriend is not perfect and he is not the friendliest or most helpful guy, but I feel comfortable with him and I believe he's doing his best to grow and change for the better. I think things would settle down if my parents would just stop resisting and let me marry him. I just turned 30 so I feel I should be able to make my own decisions. He has a rough exterior but he is kind and loving towards me and I feel he would do anything to make me happy. As I type this I realize how ridiculous I sound. Because if he would do anything for me why is he pressuring me to marry him in 2021. What about what I want and what works best for me. It would be so much better and more considerate for him to wait until after my fellowship year to get married but he's afraid I'm just stringing him along and will waste his precious time. It's such a sucky situation. There's no trust there. I tried to tell him today I was worried about him not being sentimental enough and about his drinking problem and he initially was angry but later seemed really desperate to make it right with me like he was too anxious to lose me. I think he does love me a lot but it's almost as if he's tone deaf for certain things like what would make me and my family happy.

His parents are insisting that my parents meet with them once before the wedding. My parents live in a different state so they want them to travel to their state and do the meeting. They are not willing to do it over zoom for some reason. I have tried to arrange a conference with us all to discuss why this is logistically difficult but my mom is not cooperating and stating she won't attend the conference right away. She told me to wait a few weeks but his parents are nervous about that and want to do it this weekend. So this is all about to implode any minute I feel.

If you are that influenced by your parents, you’re not ready for marriage, what do you think?

So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i partly agree with the wise and wonderful leomama that it should be your own decision what to do about it. From what you wrote it seems like you have some doubts about this relationship as well but correct me if i'm wrong obviously. i think you should definitely listen to your heart and ask yourself what you truly want to do although asking your parents for advice is not a bad idea either. If this is the relationship you want to pursue then go ahead and talk to your parents about it, or perhaps you can take some time for yourself to really think about it. So Sorry if this post isn't really helpful but i am here if you need to talk and Hopefully i am not the only one. Please do update us if possible if you want to obivously. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @bpfighter250, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

The fact that you said you don't trust him is a big red flag for me. I would not marry someone I didn't trust.

So you are broken up now? or broken up and gotten back together? I was just trying how the two years you mentioned factor into things.
My thoughts on this are that #1 if you want to marry this man and he wants to marry you you do not need permission and even though its customary if your parents are ignoring your bf and you really want to marry asap you are an adult and can marry if you want to.

#2

Quote:

Obviously my boyfriend is not perfect and he is not the friendliest or most helpful guy, but I feel comfortable with him and I believe he's doing his best to grow and change for the better. I think things would settle down if my parents would just stop resisting and let me marry him. I just turned 30 so I feel I should be able to make my own decisions.

How is he growing and changing? Is he in therapy? Do you mean he is just accepting that your parents do not approve? Or that they ignore him? If he thinks your dad ruined his dream proposal well you have been discussing marriage for all this time so would it really be a huge surprise? And yes as I said above you are 30 and you can make your own decisions.

Hi bpfighter! I will go against the grain here and say that if your parents have a strong dislike for your boyfriend then perhaps you should take another look at your relationship with him. Oftentimes we ignore things about our loved ones because we want them to be perfect. Others are able to spot red flags much earlier than us. If you believe your parents have your best interest at heart and are not trying to sabotage your relationship, have a good talk with them about whether they really believe him to be a good match for you, and then try to objectively consider their feedback before you take a decision.

I was thinking the same thing. You seem to put a lot of weight on what your parents think for being 30.


And, the lack of trust is a red flag to me.

Exactly, in my experience people who live with or depend on their parents over 30 are not fit for committed relationships . First of all comes independence from your family of origin, then starting your own family.

I don't think you should be with your boyfriend anymore.
I also think you are very codependent and need to address those maladaptive behaviors with a therapist.
You are not ready to be independent yet.

At 30 years old, fellowship or not, your parents should have 0% influence on your romantic life and choices.

Until you do some work in separating yourself from them and the need to do as they say, you shouldn’t be dating at all.

Well, bottom line is you are 30 and your parents don't need to 'let' you do anything. You are an adult.

My personal opinion from what you wrote above: I agree with your parents. He does not seem that great of a guy. You must know that as even you contradict yourself - saying "but he is kind and loving towards me and I feel he would do anything to make me happy." YET in the next paragraph state how he is pressuring you, he gets angry, he doesn't care about what you want (I.e. to wait after the fellowship), he is 'desperate'(?!) to get married... he doesn't even seem the type of guy you wish for (I.e. you want someone romantic, who shows affection etc). In your own words ''There's no trust there - which is really not a good start to marriage. That guy seems to have a lot of issues which seem like major red flags to me.

And your parents aren't ''resisting him". It seems they just don't like him. Just as you are an adult and can do whatever you want likewise, your parents are entitled to their own opinions and likes or dislikes.

I would not rush into marriage just because this is what he wants and he is using pressure and emotional blackmail to force you to do so. I would advise giving it some time and to let your boyfriend get his drinking under control. Don't make a hasty decision that you may then then have a lifetime to regret.

I'm going to switch gears for a moment on this topic based on my own experience.

My first marriage, which lasted four years too long, was an unmitigated disaster. My mom loved the guy, though.
My second marriage has lasted almost 30 years.
My mother absolutely despises him because he protects me from her.

If you are really in love with this man, and you believe he loves you, and you genuinely want to marry him, then I say go for it.

It's your life, not your parent's. Don't live it to please others.

OP do you come from a culture where parents have a lot of say on the choice of life partners of adult children? I have a friend of Asian origin whose parents had a major voice during her wedding. This was considered normal, even though she was 32 at that time.

Yes I am Indian origin so family has a little more weight. Some of the posts here have been kind of hurtful but I thank you who are trying to help. We ended up ending the relationship. I pushed him for my wanting more time and he couldn't tolerate it and decided to separate. I am honestly so relieved. I am independent and ready to be in a relationship and I disagree with those of you who made denigrating comments about my maturity. But I am going to take some time to work on recovering from the pain and turmoil and building back my confidence and self esteem.

Just an observation on my part...I am very familiar with Indian marital customs so I understand why, at your age, your parents have more influence in your decision than American parents. I think you already know this.
I recognized the familial customs as Indian. I had many dear friends who were Indian. One invited me to his daughter's graduation as Valedictorian and the party afterwards. I was the only white person there. The food was fantastic and they literally treated me like royalty. I have many fond memories.
I would advise you to tell people you are indian simply because your avatar says Florida, not New Delhi. 😂 Sorry, very bad humor.
The only other thing I can say is just ignore them. Sometimes I think people tend to speak before they think. I know I do.

It's been about a month since we broke up and the feelings of grief and pain have been increasing steadily. I miss my ex so extremely much. I feel like my parents were the reason we broke up and I feel like I won't be able to forgive them. And it wasn't up to my control to just do what I wanted without my parents because his parents were making my parents have some meeting to agree to the marriage. And his parents wanted them to come to Houston but ultimately agreed to come do it in Florida but then my mom doesn't keep the house in good condition and so was too proud to let them see the house. It was such a mess. Scrolling up and reading my post from before I can't help thinking these were all things we could have worked out. We loved each other so much. Maybe I was co-dependent. But I could have worked on that. My parents just got into their head that they didn't like him and they never were able to let that go and just let me follow my heart. I loved him so incredibly much and I miss him so much.