Wife suffers from Sexual Anxiety, I'm struggling to cope

My wife and I have been together for 14 years, married for 9, both mid 30's. No kids, working and successful professionals.

She has a history of abuse/trauma from her childhood (non-sexual), and stemmed into generalized anxiety/ptsd which then led to sexual anxiety/performance anxiety that didn't really become an issue until several years into the relationship.

My wife is a strong and wonderful person. She's been seeking therapy throughout our relationship, she is always trying and working on making progress, she loves and cares a lot about me which she shows in her ways. I love her too, I try to be supportive, understanding, learn what I can and adapt to help her as much as I can and I try to show her I love her in my ways and her ways.

But we are like many couples very different people. I'm a physical person, she's a verbal person. I'm a focused/deep diver, she's a jump from thought to thought person. I have a very high sex drive, she has a low sex drive, which may or may not be influenced by hormonal BC which she's been on since she's been a teenager. I'm a technical person and love technology, she's very much connected to nature and the living world around her. These aren't inherently problems, the differences initially made things interesting, gave us balance and ultimately on things like religion, politics, education and finances we share similar viewpoints and opinions, so on the balance its a partnership that could work with empathy, understanding, communication and love.

Many years ago, as part of her therapy and recovery (although it was my idea), I basically stopped initiating sex for several years. With my high sex drive the pressure was only causing more issues so this way to give her time to cope. Our sex life dropped to very infrequent at that time for several years and it took a significant toll on me. She made progress in therapy, and we've made progress from there. While I'm fully aware that what she was and is coping with is harder and worse than myself, being deprived, in need, silent, outwardly supportive and very frustrated was a significant emotional and mental drain, one that has effected my happiness, confidence and self esteem and that impact continues to this day.

One thing she worked on was her ability to say no, which is great and is something everyone needs to be empowered with. However between performance anxiety, general life/priority scheduling, and her empowerment over saying no, the truth is now if I ask for something (and my asking is never an immediate or demand), the answer is either no, or not right now which really is a no because it never happens. Yes is not something I've experienced on my terms/timing in years. I've developed a complex now at being able to communicate what I want for physical intimacy, because if I actually ask for it, it results in it not happening at that time or in any time frame that I would still want it.

Beyond that, there is the fact that (not blaming anyone as its no ones fault and I'm not even the worst off) if i want something and am turned on, I'm faced with even if she IS open and responsive to trying something its going to be a mountain/maze of mental/emotional navigation, paying close attention to her and constantly reading her body language to attempt to try and avoid or head off any anxiety and its exhausting. After years I've become very good at reading her, focusing on her, understanding her, and she's also learned the same for herself.

Contrast this to her being able to wake up, roll over and say "I want you to do X" and she gets it without any effort. Knowing this, she never leverages those rare situations as a way to give or initiate something I've asked for. The sheer "availability" difference feels so unfair that I can't help but feel more and more anger and resentment over it. Beyond that, the focus is on her so much that her ability to focus on, read my body language or follow feedback and give pleasure is very different to the other direction.

I do my best to be supportive and understanding and patient, we have many conversations, come up with ways to improve things for both of us, ways I can help her, things I can do or not do to help her relax. I'm focused on her, but so is she between her therapy and recovery, and I don't really get any support. It s not that she doesn't try, but if "love is in the details", the details that are important to me somehow get lost in her own details over and over, I feel lost in the mix. So many plans and idea's never made it past the conversation we had on her end that I'm at a loss of what to do. The things I wish she'd do or ask her for she forgets but shows love and caring in other ways, but ways that don't resonate with me. I try to accept it in the spirit offered, but when will I start to feel understood? will I?

Couples therapy is the obvious 'solution', yet we've been there. Our communication is great, the follow through is the issue. At this point I've said everything I need or should say 100x to her, asked her for what I need 1000x, helped her come up with ways to give me that and how I can support her in that while I'm also focused on giving her what she needs both in her recovery, in general, in her career etc. I don't want to involve a professional to simply re-iterate everything, come to another false sense of accomplishment only to see her not follow through for one reason or another.

I find myself angry and resentful, considering separation and divorce. I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to be with someone who makes me feel noticed and desired not just loved and needed, I want to feel like my struggles and problems aren't a dot on the landscape of emotions of my marriage. We've spent so much time working on and focused on her its like she doesn't even see me, and when I express that she doesn't seem to truly understand.

But I love my wife. When we are intimate, when things are good for short stretches life is great. My issue is as the frustration builds over time, first feeling physically neglected from lack of touch, the fear of asking for something, the inevitable maybe later that never happens for some momentarily justifiable reason, feeling ignored from the moment i wake up to the moment she goes to bed, I start to spiral and become bitter and angry. I can only hide it so much from friends and family, so I end up being a hermit and going between work, trying to support and love my wife and coping with these feelings I can't deal with alone.

When do you decide you can't do it? When do you accept you aren't strong enough to carry the weight and perpetual imbalance of mental emotional and physical support? I'm scared I'm going to start to look at my wife, who's an amazing and persistent and caring person and only be able to feel these negative feelings if I I don't find some way to cope, or move on.

I can't be the first person in this situation. I would appreciate others feedback/thoughts/insights.

If you two were to try couples therapy again I think what you said here would be one of the first things to say at the first session. This would in my mind be the clear focus and goal of therapy from your perspective. It would be understood by everyone, even if not explicitly said, that action not reiteration is what is needed and separation and divorce is the likely outcome if there's still no follow-through after another round of couples therapy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3 If you two were to try couples therapy again I think what you said here would be one of the first things to say at the first session. This would in my mind be the clear focus and goal of therapy from your perspective. It would be understood by everyone, even if not explicitly said, that action not reiteration is what is needed and separation and divorce is the likely outcome if there's still no follow-through after another round of couples therapy.

Despite all the talking you say you have done have you ever said it to her in the gut level way you did here?

Thanks for the replies.

We have talked about couples therapy, and I've said it as bluntly and honestly to her as I did here. Its an ongoing conversation as to why and how to change the pattern, and she's brought it up with her therapist.

I'm open to it, but communicating isn't whats holding me back. She's taking some steps (making lists/writing down outside her journal the conclusions of our conversations and working through things now so she can re-read and try to remember without the emotional weight of having to also go back and face other things she written down), so I'm working with her on that and waiting to see how that goes and if it can lead to more consistent follow through.

I've been doing a lot of reading on my current emotional state because I don't feel like past therapy sessions really helped me understand my reactions and feelings well. I think I've got my own issues that are exacerbating this that I don't really have a great grasp on. I apparently rank fairly high on the HSP tests while she's fairly low, which may explain some of the 'what i think is obvious why do i need to spell it out to her every time' issues are present, and some form or level of Rejection Sensitive Disphoria could explain a lot of my struggles all my life and why I seem to react so strongly to some things that I haven't been able to understand, but in retrospect can easily make sense if I'm interpreting that as rejection.

Having to face such frequent rejection and suppressing those feelings has left me bouncing between exhaustion and burnout strongly resembling anhedonia but I've been calling depressoion, loss of self confidence and increasingly less ability to moderate and distance my own actions from my emotions when they do.

At this point I probably should just seek therapy for myself.

Witnessorange, your last sentence is what I was going to suggest. Individual therapy sounds like a good idea. Good luck.

Hello,

This is my first post. Your post convinced me to join.

There’s nothing comes to mind that I can tell you that might help. Your story sounds similar to mine although it sounds like you and your wife have a way better relationship, and perhaps you’re dealing with this better than I. After 13 years of blazing cannabis daily I quite literally burned holes in my lungs and only just got my edible recipe working in time to stop smoking before it got too painful. I now eat as much as it takes to get at least 4 and sometimes 8 people high, daily. Part of this is to mask the intense longing I have for sex as well as frankly a proper cuddle, and partly to manage being around my wife who is pretty horrible to me.

For me it was only about 6 months in, and it was ostensibly not anxiety but pain during intercourse that triggered my then girlfriend to cease any and all physical intimacy with me. I have a vivid memory of trying to give her a hug when I got home from work, she acted like I did when I was a small kid and my granny said “come give granny a big kiss!!”. She would freeze up, tense and bear it, then immediately find something fascinating and urgent that needed her attention in order to break free. Kisses were deflected to her cheek. I’m not talking about anything violent or oppressive here; not grabbing her or initiating sex, just a simple sweet hug and no tongue kiss. Needless to say any stronger advance hinting at sex was rejected.

It took a long long time for her to even recognize and concede that this is a problem. There’s a limit to my patience and tolerance for having zero loving contact. I hate my life and often wished it would end. That’s not an option now I have two kids. I’m seriously considering joining tinder but I don’t know if I can face that. We can’t afford to separate although she has said many times she wants to, and so have I. However, we both don’t want to have a failed marriage and broken family. We were once good friends but it’s hard to find that anymore. She says I’ve hurt her (emotionally) too many times, and I have, but the way I see it, that’s a handful of occasions compared with some 5,000 days of torment for me. She thinks that she “tried”, so that’s good enough. I really struggle every day. Going to the city is hard as I see young women with sexy bodies and die inside.

Especially hard is the way she treats me, I work hard, I’m nice to her, I do my best, and she finds something to blow up about. In the course of ensuing argument I become the bad guy. The terrible guy who didn’t do the dishes on time because he was working so hard on another task, and who didn’t just take the abuse and neglect and still be jolly and buy her nice thoughtful gifts.

I was hoping to find something useful in my experience to share, but it seems I’ve instead hi jacked your thread to vent my own problems. Let me think some more and maybe I’ll post again.

Witness Orange,

Reading through again, I really feel your pain. It doesn’t sound like you’re going to get to the place you want both of you to be. All the trying, the exercises, all the patience, there must be a point where you concede it’s not going to result in what you really want. But you’ve tried and tolerated for so long, and you love her, so you can’t throw it away. You’re condemned to suffer in hope or despair, getting older and uglier and closer to death. If that’s right, I’m right there with you.

I hope this isn’t inappropriate, I’m new here, but is it fair to assume what you really need is simply to bang?

Have you considered seeking what you need outside the relationship? Would that relieve some of your stress?

I’m seriously looking at that but haven’t taken pretty selfies for a tinder profile yet. I find that daunting and exposing - not to mention trying to explain exactly why I’m married yet on tinder. I have zero experience with online dating etc. and even less experience with one night stands. I’ve never actually pulled / picked up / scored outside of a committed relationship. I guess I’m trying to find the courage and motivation to go through with trying it. I’m somewhat handsome but not very social - I’m a bit of a thinker and not a talker. I see propositioning someone as something like assault, afraid of offending or making them uncomfortable.

Damn it I made this all about me again!

Do you hold out hope that you and your wife can be young lovers again? Or are you looking to therapize yourself out of having a sex drive? Have you thought of getting sex elsewhere?

I can’t see how you/I can ever be happy, and I’m very incredulous as to the potential for change.

Hi witnessorange,

I really appreciated your comments to me on my thread. I think I am a little older than you. I've lived through something related, in that my wife deals with anxiety, depression, and health issues. All of those things effect our sex life.

I know..... You love your spouse, you see the illness and anxiety as separate from who they are as a person. But those things play a huge role in your lives.

My thinking is changing in recent years. Mental illness is real, and our partners and family who deal with mental illness need support, but that doesn't mean we can't also have some higher expectations of how we are treated.

Some years back I bought a book. It was really quite helpful for us at the time, but then my wife's physical health really went over a cliff and depression became quite a prominent thing to deal with.

The book was 101 Nights of Great Romance. It really is a couples book. There are date ideas that you literally rip out of the book with a complete outline of how to plan the romantic date night. They are levelled based on how much time and money you have to spend, and whether you are going out or staying in. In return, there are activities for your wife to do for you. There are things you can each initiate, and there are things you are each expected to do to reciprocate for your partner's efforts when they plan a date for you.

It sounds too simplistic, but the truth is, if you don't use it you lose it. If you DO use it, it will grow as part of your life. How simple is it if you pull a date night idea out of the book, plan everything, and her role is to wear something really sexy that you like, maybe something underneath her clothes that is private, with no expectation of it progressing to sex.

Progressively acting sexually and romantically leads to more sex and romance.

When my wife and I tried this 10 years ago, I made the offer: I'll go 3 to 1 for you. I'll plan 3 romantic date nights from the book before I expect you to plan a date night in return. It becomes a tangible thing.... "See, I really did put the time into this, and lots of it. I'd like a turn in return, and not even an equal turn."

If you get the book, I'll tell you how to do the fortune cookie date night. It's really easy and was a huge hit. I was much appreciated that night :-)

I have good memories of this book and what it did for us. That was a good year in our marriage.

I really believe talk and therapy is good, but there has to be a roadmap and an expectation for behavior too. This really is a connect the dots behavior book.

And if you end up 12 dates deep into the book with nothing changing you might have a new insight or an answer.

RDM