Mother's Nursing Home Is a Nightmare

Today was my mother's health conference. The no-shows were her case worker and geriatric nurse. The only staff who showed up, was the head of the CNA nursing staff and the new community events coordinator.

The communication between the two of these staff and myself did not go well. Both of them were not qualified to give me a proper health update and the community events coordinator continuously interrupted me and even spoke over me.

I was so livid the way they wasted my time I emailed the nursing home executive director and then followed that up with a voicemail. I find that if I don't follow up with a voicemail, the executive director is slow to respond. It worked.

A few hours later, she called me on speaker phone with the two staff in tow (who remained silent and who refused to apologize to me). The executive director rambled on about the nursing home's care policies, then profusely apologized for the case worker and geriatric nurse's absence (apparently, these two women "forgot" about my mother's healthcare meeting...yeah right). And she didn't apologize for the two staff's disrespectful and unprofessional behavior, as much as she covered it up, stating that she spoke to the two women (again, yeah, right) and then asked if I had any requests moving forward. Oh did I.

I explained that at my mother's future healthcare meetings that I expect the executive director to email out a meeting agenda a week in advance, require everyone to rsvp who will be in attendance in person or virtually, and to not allow the unprofessional behavior that I experienced yet again from her staff. She agreed and her two stooges remained silent throughout the 30 minute phone call.

I hate nursing homes. They are such a nightmare. I can't take care of my mother on my own even if I got nursing coverage through those nurse agencies who come to your house to help out with medication, bathing, feeding, and housekeeping b/c I tried that already for a few years and it was just too much for me to handle alone.

But I really hate nursing homes just because the CNA staff is sporadic, underpaid so that takes away any motivation for them to care about their dementia residents. For example, I visited my mother over the Labor Day holiday and found that her bedding, chairs and throw pillows were covered in her own poo.

When I questioned the stupid community events coordinator (since my mother's case manager and geriatric nurse were absent from her healthcare meeting today), the community events coordinator couldn't give me a reasonable explanation. Neither could the executive director when I asked her.

My mother has been at her nursing home for nearly 3 years now and I constantly worry about her well-being there. I constantly worry that she's being neglected aka the poo I found all over her room. That made me irate to find it. And the executive director etc. act above the law and refuse to do anything about it, just because of how dysfunctional and broken the U.S. nursing home care system is set up.

Can anyone related at all?

Are you planning to move her? You sound unhappy with all aspects of her care. I’d find a different facility.

I’d also encourage you to find a different place, if possible. The system isn’t great, it’s not perfect in the UK either, but not every place is run the exact same way. My company pays minimum wage plus overtime/bank holiday extra, but the homes are well run (I’ve been here 20 years, I’ve heard mixed reviews about many other places in that time. If I told my boss about your experience I’d expect to see steam coming out of her ears)!
I’m sorry you’re having such a bad experience. They need a kick up the bum to sort their bad working culture out, stat!

Is she in the same town as you? If not, it might be prudent to move her to a facility where you can visit her daily. My father is in assisted living (not a nursing home), but is a hospice patient and bedridden. Because he is hospice, he has a pretty attentive care, but the the fact that they know my sister visits him each and every day after work as well as on the weekends is probably the biggest factor in quality of care. They know she is watching carefully and will advocate for his care immediately if there is a problem.

Often there are local advocates who can assist you in finding a higher quality facility. If you have a community facebook page, you might ask what facilities others would recommend and which ones to avoid.

My friend has her mom in a nursing home and either she or her brother go daily. On occasion she is displeased with some minor stuff but not like what you described. My grandma was in assisted living for short time and my mom went daily.

So either your mom has to be moved to a better place or you have to visit her more frequently. It’s understandable of course if you live in a different state or generally far away you can’t visit often so you’d need to move her closer by or at least look for a better facility

Thanks everyone for your replies! I would love to move my mother to a different facility but I can't. Her case worker would need to approve it based on documented abuse or negligence by the facility's geriatric nursing staff and CNAs. I visit my mother twice during the week and Fri-Sat-Sun for 2-3 hours at a time.

Then, the fact that her building is only 3 years old and she's the first resident in her room (with an ederly waiver). Finding a newer nursing home like the one she's in (grand piano in the foyer with giant gas fireplaces and flat screen tvs and giant couches and loveseats and chairs, a giant outdoor veranda that overlooks a lake and has granite tables with unbrellas for the assisted living residents and memory care residents, a hair salon, a recreation room, a physical therapy room, a chapel, a detached library with computers and books that memory care and assisted living residents can check out (memory care has to have a family member or CNA with them).

Without her elderly care waiver, my mother's room's rent is $5,500 a month for a corner unit with windows and her own kitchen and bathroom (memory care too). So, as much as I would love to move my mother, her CNA care and daily meal delivery and physical therapy and regular free toenail clipping and free hearing tests make me want to keep her there. If I could fire the CNA supervisor and head of nursing myself, and fire the executive director and replace them with competent staff believe me, I WOULD. They are the problems. They are the incompetent ones.

Also, my mother's nursing home building is attached via skyway to the hospital and other medical specialty clinics so it's the most convenient place for her in case she has a medical emergency. I live in a different city but I commute to visit her every week and weekend.

So, for now, I have to keep her there. But I am going to call her case worker to find out why she and the geriatric nurse missed my mother's healthcare update meeting. Had they attended, I could held those two other incompetent women accountable because I would have had two county workers with me, who are mandated reporters for the state. Just me there I had no power other than being a disatisfied family member.

You said those two women forgot that there was a meeting. It sounds unprofessional to me but things happen. I doubt you’d get any different explanation. Could you schedule another meeting since not everyone was present?

It sounds that she is in a wonderful facility, but isn’t getting a good care. It’s a shame.

Motts, it's taken me awhile to respond to you. Your post brought up some old stuff for me. My mom was in a nursing home, assisted living and hospital the last year and a half of her life. I had to keep working so could not care for her myself. Toward the end I would not have been able to provide the physical care she needed.

Initially I was going to suggest moving her. You've since explained why that is not practical. I would encourage you to be a very vocal advocate for your mother. Any time you find something is not right go to whoever is in charge and firmly explain whatever is not acceptable.

The nursing home mom was in did not have extras. The building was old and worn, but she got excellent care. The assisted living cost me half a month's pay, but was worth it. I knew she was being looked after. If there was ever anything wrong I got an immediate phone call. The hospital was a whole 'nother matter. The nurses probably cursed when they saw me get off the elevator. I arrived at 4:30 in the afternoon to discover mom's lunch tray sitting there untouched. They just dumped the tray on the table and left it there for hours. No one checked on her. No one helped her eat. At that point she needed assistance. There was probably stem coming out of my ears when I got to the nurse's station. They were going to microwave the food - that sat at room temp for hours - and give it to her. I told them no and helped her with a can of Ensure. I complained to the head of nursing. It resulted in a change to how trays were delivered through the whole hospital.

Sorry, you can probably tell this is a hot button topic for me. My point is to stand up for your mom. Sadly, patients with people making sure they get proper care are the ones who are looked after.

What good is a piano and couches and loveseats and a lake view when your bed is covered in poop?

The environment is not the priority here. The CARE is.

My mother was on Medicaid. Medicaid did not pay for "memory care" (which is a marketing term ONLY, there are no standards for "memory care") and would only pay for a nursing home.

I found my mother a nursing home that had caring staff. Did she have a private room? No. She had a roommate. Was the building 3 years old? No. It was probably 80 years old. But it was CLEAN. The staff turnover was LOW. They treated her like she was THEIR family. She stayed there until the day she died. I never walked in and found what you have. I never smelled anything like that. My mother was bathed, changed regularly and her room was sanitary. The food was nourishing, hot/cold as appropriate, and appetizing.

Get out of the "memory care" box and find a place that doesn't have grand pianos and fountains and all that other BS where she will be cared for properly.

The day she died (on hospice in the facility) all of her aides and nurses came to say goodbye to her and I knew they would genuinely miss her.

Memory care is a big hoax. They here is no way an elder facility can help keep your loved ones memories. If that were true and honest Alzheimer's and related dementia would be in the decline. Alzheimer's is a progressive disease the key word PROGRESSIVE! Don't call for that crap!

No one is claiming to "help" the memory. Memory care facilities are set up to work with patients with memory issue - structure, supervision, etc.

Memory care doesn’t mean “take care of their memory”. It means they supposed to care for people whose memory declined. These people need different type of care than those whose memory is more functional

I followed up today with an email to my mother's geriatric nurse and her case worker (social worker) cc'ing the executive director. My email was brief. I let both people know that I was disappointed with their no-show and no follow up communication to tell me they would not be at my mother's healthcare meeting. I resisted the urge to call them "unprofessional" in the email (I don't want them to retaliate against me or my mother who has dementia and can't protect herself). I did request an immediate virtual healthcare conference reschedule with them both, and added that in the future, to please be more considerate and let me know ahead of time of any schedule conflicts, so we can reschedule my mother's healthcare meeting.

I'm still fuming mad. I need to let go of my anger because this is just symptomatic of the whole nursing home care system. People just don't give a ****. These two grown adults could have acted professionally and emailed me to say we needed to reschedule. They could have emailed me today too but not a peep from either of them.