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Old 09-13-2021, 05:10 AM   #1
Hedgeleaf
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Default How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

How do you stay calm when things don't go your way or yo in get into an argument?

I'm nearly 35 and often feel like a child having a tantrum. It's horrible. If I don't get my way I get mad at my partner, call him names, tell him I hate him and that I no longer want to be with him. I shout and cry. It's embarrassing.

I just don't have a filter. I can't stop the upset and anger and the words from just falling out of my mouth.

Please help, I don't know why I'm like this and I want to change
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Old 09-13-2021, 07:21 AM   #2
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

Have you worked on this issue with a therapist? That might be something important to pursue because you learned that approach somewhere and it will probably take time to learn how to regulate your emotions and communicate on a more adult level when conflicts arise.

I'm sort of the opposite. I'm a teacher, so I've mastered the ability to stay calm in a crisis. I have a very strong "adult" in me. LOL. (Actually, my mother always said even as a small child I was had that strong "adult" part - which I probably learned from watching my mostly very calm parents.) It involves A LOT of intentional slowing myself down and CHOOSING not to react without thinking first. It is very much more cognitive than emotional which is why perhaps some therapy to learn those skills of thinking before reacting may be in order.
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Old 09-13-2021, 09:03 AM   #3
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

If you truly want to stop being abusive to your partner, I'd advise you get into therapy. I'm not sure if you have some disorder that's causing this at your age or whether you've just learned over the years that this gets you what you want, but you are the person who can take steps to stop this.
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Old 09-13-2021, 10:55 AM   #4
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

Right before you get mad and start to shout, what are you feeling? Can you describe your feelings from the moment you learn that you are not getting you way?
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Old 09-13-2021, 01:22 PM   #5
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

Take time out rather than react to the immediate triggers. Physical activity may help re the discharge of energy and so you don't lash out at others.

To get to the root of the 'problem'? Therapy could help explore your patterns of reactivity, how to manage these and/or communication skills in such instances etc.
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Old 09-14-2021, 04:27 AM   #6
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
Right before you get mad and start to shout, what are you feeling? Can you describe your feelings from the moment you learn that you are not getting you way?
I feel angry and unheard, especially during a disagreement or different opinions
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Old 09-14-2021, 04:28 AM   #7
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

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Originally Posted by Rive. View Post
Take time out rather than react to the immediate triggers. Physical activity may help re the discharge of energy and so you don't lash out at others.

To get to the root of the 'problem'? Therapy could help explore your patterns of reactivity, how to manage these and/or communication skills in such instances etc.
I find it hard to hold my tongue and take a time out. I'll be more aware of this and think, thank you.

What sort of therapy would I need? My brother is exactly the same as me so I'm guessing this is deeply rooted fr childhood
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Old 09-14-2021, 07:05 AM   #8
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

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I feel angry and unheard, especially during a disagreement or different opinions
The feeling of being unheard might be really worth focusing on. How does this feeling develop inside?
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Old 09-14-2021, 09:36 AM   #9
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
The feeling of being unheard might be really worth focusing on. How does this feeling develop inside?
The physical symptoms?
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Old 09-14-2021, 10:14 AM   #10
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

Any signs--physical, emotional, cognitive, anything--that a sense of being unheard is developing.
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Old 09-14-2021, 12:01 PM   #11
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

Remember: In a relationship, you are in a situation where you each affect each other. So, when you push, that probably feeds his withdrawal. When he withdraws, that feeds your panic and need to push. Both of you need to work through how to better communicate. But each of you may have to work on this individually before you can more effectively address it as a couple.

Start the dialogue though - slowly - without pushing to hard. How can each of you help the other?
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Old 09-14-2021, 03:53 PM   #12
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
Any signs--physical, emotional, cognitive, anything--that a sense of being unheard is developing.
My heart races, I feel anxious in my stomach and I swallow more.
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Old 09-14-2021, 03:54 PM   #13
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins View Post
Remember: In a relationship, you are in a situation where you each affect each other. So, when you push, that probably feeds his withdrawal. When he withdraws, that feeds your panic and need to push. Both of you need to work through how to better communicate. But each of you may have to work on this individually before you can more effectively address it as a couple.

Start the dialogue though - slowly - without pushing to hard. How can each of you help the other?

Thanks. How would you suggest I work on my communication?
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Old 09-14-2021, 04:55 PM   #14
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

Quote:
My heart races, I feel anxious in my stomach and I swallow more.
Thanks! It sounds like these are precursors of feeling so unheard that getting angry is about to happen if it hasn't already started.

Would there be time to notice these particular signs and step back from whatever is going on?

In other words, would you be able to quickly tell yourself "My heart is racing, I need to take a break right now," or "I am feeling anxious in my stomach, I need to take a break right now," or "I am swallowing a lot, I need to take a break right now"?
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Old 09-14-2021, 08:47 PM   #15
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

So Sorry things are being hard also! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about seeking therapy and Noticing when you feel like getting angry. Definitely try to calm down before things get worse also. i think a cbt kind of therapy may prove to be Helpful or maybe some kind of psychoanalysis if you want to talk about your childhood Obviously. Please be Kind to yourself and others. M. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Do not be afraid to seek Help if needed. Be Good. Love. Be Kind. Do try your Best. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Hedgeleaf, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Old 09-14-2021, 10:05 PM   #16
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

Sorry to hear that, hope things are better for you. I understand completely how one can get so sucked into such a spot and then it just unloads. Do you feel anything before the "explosion" so to speak? Like for me before my anxiety starts I can feel it physically and I've become aware of it and I have been able to keep the anxiety at bay. Hope it is better for you
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Old 09-16-2021, 07:35 AM   #17
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Default Re: How to stay calm and not have an adult tantrum

Dialectic Behavior Therapy works for this type of behavior. I used to be the same way but I went the through DBT. Itís not easy and you can try on your own but I think it would be extremely difficult on your own because youíll have questions about the skills.

These ďtantrumsĒ are related to the emotion regulation and distress tolerance modules. It may help to just get a workbook if you can to just get an idea and start describing your emotions and what situations trigger certain emotions.

This website may be helpful too it has free videos and worksheets but again I highly recommend working with a therapist it wonít hurt to try this on your own but itís very hard to remember to use the skills when youíre upset and sometimes it can make you feel like crap when canít use the skills but some skills may just not be a good fit for you thatís when a therapist can help you see which ones are best for you.

DBT : Dialectical Behavior Therapy - Skills, Worksheets, & Videos

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