Dealing with a difficult spouse

Hi! New here.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years. There were always some little warning signs (he could be unreasonable at times and hyper-sensitive) but then 3 years ago, it started to blow up. He would have rages where it was like he was someone else. He was extremely moody and would lash out at me.

I started seeing a domestic violence therapist who helped me a lot and I was able to work on my own strength and seeing his behavior for what it was, rather than blaming myself.

After I threatened to leave, he committed to his own therapy (therapist and psychiatrist) and there was improvement.

We go through good and bad times. He reacts poorly to stress. He started a new job this year and we also had a complicated move to a new house, both of which were big triggers for him and instigated new rages and periods of lashing out.

There has been some improvement over the years and the episodes aren’t as frequent as they used to be. But I struggle. On days I go to the office, I take my glasses and cell charger in case something sets him off and I can’t go home. When something upsets him, he’ll go over and over and over it. He complains about people and is extremely negative about things. Frequently threatens to quit his job (to me) over minor issues or misunderstandings.

Much of the time, he’s reasonable, fun, thoughtful and mature. But all it takes is an annoyance…

All of this is exhausting to be around. Currently, I’m working on my boundaries to not allow him to use me as an emotional trash can. But it’s hard. Especially since I don’t have people in my life I can go to. I’m hoping to find additional support and resources here.

Hi @Millie7 - welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am sorry you have challenges in the relationship with husband. That must be stressful to have the uncertainty of what will happen next hanging over you.

I am glad your husband is doing therapy, but with the mood swings, is he open to checking out any meds his psych doctor might think will help them stabilize?

I hear you that you are exhausted. Are you getting adequate sleep? A friend told me they did not start sleeping soundly until they slept in their own room. Snoring and tossing and turning by their partner kept interrupting sleep.

I have exercises I do to help me gain energy using yoga and other exercises online. If you need links, feel free to let me know.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

Thank you, Candc!

My H has been on medications and still is, but it’s been a struggle to find one that works. Part of it is there are certain ones he won’t even try due to the side effects.

I actually sleep very well at night. It’s more an emotional exhaustion situation. It feels like I have to constantly push my feelings aside because there’s just no room for them. My therapist and I are working on that but it is a struggle.

Welcome! So Sorry things are being so hard also! Hugs. i agree with the wise and wonderful CANDC especially about meds and exercise if you want to try it obviously. It does seem like a difficult situation but at least he's trying to improve. Definitely keep an eye on him and if things start to get unbearable for you do let him know also. i believe it is your right to talk obviously. m. Please do not give up and do try your best to resist. If things do get worse do not hesitate to let him know that your relationship is at stake, if it is i believe. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Be Kind. Be Generous. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Millie7, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!