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BorisTheAnimal
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Default Sep 19, 2021 at 09:40 PM
  #1
I had discussion with my brother regarding our dad and my brother thinks that that I placate to him too much. And now he's taking advantage of me. For example, if I happen to be alone with my dad in the house, he doesn't leave me alone. He's calling for something or always wants something. Yes, i am aware that hes 84 and cannot get around as well and with the COPD makes it worse for him. But its endless, and he always wants something and I'm beginning to resent his ******** already. I am being too nice and that is why he's doing this **** and its not like he doesnt know he's pissing me off but he continues to do it anyway

Not sure what to do?
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Default Sep 20, 2021 at 06:34 AM
  #2
I don't think there are any easy answers. Maybe what you are doing is the best thing you can do? What are your other options? I may be misremembering, but it is your father's house, isn't it?
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Default Sep 20, 2021 at 07:08 AM
  #3
@BorisTheAnimal:

What options do you have in terms of getting yourself some help with your dad? One member on another forum had a community social worker in to help give some direction on what services are available for help with her disabled brother and aging mom. I felt that was really smart!

Is that a possibility for you?

I know my mom behaved badly towards the end of her life with COPD. She was very childish and impatient and intolerant and complained viciously at the slightest discomfort. I'm sure it was because she was in so much pain but it was still hard to put up with.

She embarrassed me in front of my in-laws when she visited me one time. We unwisely went out to dinner with them and our meals were late in arriving. She complained loudly and frequently and smoked endless cigs, these really stinky "More" brand cigarillos.

I've heard we are children at the beginnings of our lives and at the end. That was sure true for my mom.

I was shielded from the worst of it tho because i live in another city. My older sister bore the brunt of it. She'd take my mom shopping and have to threaten to take my mom home if she didn't behave, as you do a child.

My mom had a housekeeper in the last ten years of her life but no one else. She was fiercely independent. It's too bad because she wasn't eating properly at the end and weighed only 80 pounds.

My mom slipped into a coma and then died, so at least her death was peaceful. I'm sure she welcomed it at that point, she just did not enjoy life anymore.

Sending good vibes, it's not an easy situation.
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Default Sep 20, 2021 at 09:08 AM
  #4
Right now dad is being very stubborn about getting him any help. The VA wants to send Hospice in for palliative care. Just so he would be more comfortable, but of course everything with him is an ordeal. His one dr told us that he is dying, which I already figured. But they don’t know how long. He has always been a bit of hypochondriac and a big baby when he doesn’t feel well. I’m not unsympathetic, I know breathing is tough for him and I’m sure it’s scary. But he doesn’t do anything to help himself either. He has always been overly demanding ever since I can remember.
We kept suggesting he speak to a therapist which turned out to be useless.

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Default Sep 21, 2021 at 06:02 AM
  #5
I was going to suggest talking to a social worker or the VA if he was a veteran. I know my parents were able to get some assistance through those channels when my grandparents were getting up there in age. I'm sorry that he doesn't want that help. It must be really frustrating.
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Default Sep 22, 2021 at 10:44 AM
  #6
I’m not sure where you live but just be careful with sending him into any type of hospice care without paying close attention to the financial aspect. My mom’s boyfriend had to go into a nursing home and the state tried to take everything he owned leaving my mom with nothing. Anything that he gifted to his family and friends in the last 5 years had to be given back to the state.

He is a veteran and it was awful we ended up just bringing him back home because they took over $50,000 from him in just a couple months and they were trying to take my moms car that he gave to her which is her only way to get to work we don’t have public transportation here.

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Default Sep 22, 2021 at 04:25 PM
  #7
I do understand some frustration. My dad died this past year and I was caregiver to him for about 7 months. I also had a brother who decided to try to take over caregiving which made it even harder, arguing over what medications I knew my dad needed. They need inhalers given at the right time to help them breathe. Not getting enough oxygen could be making your dad somewhat disillusioned (his brain isn't working at as full of capacity as it would if he didn't have copd). My dad had that, he survived cancer for 35 years after he had a lung removed. It is hard to caregive. Do you get some time or a day here and there for a break for yourself?

Because I recently went through this, I have compassion for your dad as well. Dying is hard, whoever says it's easy it isn't. I felt awful that at times I also got tired of the moaning, groaning, needing attention a lot, and I REGRET that. Time is the most precious thing. And yes, being more like an infant seems like that happens at the end of life. Yes he may get annoying, but please remember whatever you do or say is important to your Dad. He could be gone soon, it may be another year, you just never know. I'm glad my dad was mostly pleasant and not too demanding, but I also think he didn't want to be any burden on anyone. Your dad may be very conflicred and not just acting babyish and demanding. In any case, I wish the very best for you as this is a very hard job.
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