I broke off our friendship and he's still bringing me pain ugh

I wrote about ending the friendship here: I think I need to end a friendship.

I've been needing time recently, to process my anger about how this guy treated me. I'm not done processing. Anger keeps coming up so I talked to my T this week and she said I should confront it instead of avoid it. I'm going to give it time and write about it. And give myself like 30 min a day to be angry and write / process, and see how that works.

This morning something happened that really upset me though. A support person who I respect emailed me a creative writing newsletter. I had a very random hunch then, that my ex friend wrote about me in it, in his piece. Low and behold, he did. The piece wasn't all about me, but part of it was. He didn't name me, but was very specific. He still wants to be friends. He feels "like he failed, just like he failed his father, who didn't accept him."

1.) I have no intention or desire to get in touch. 2.) I'm getting off that email list tomorrow. Its not even something I'm involved in anymore. 3.) It seems weird to try to communicate underhandedly / passively with someone (me) in this way. 4.) I keep saying I'm going to keep this to myself, but I keep saying / thinking it: I believe this guy is a covert narcissist. I literally stumbled across the diagnosis criteria and discovered this by accident, but he meets just about every bullet point. At least, in the article that came up first on Google...5.) He portrays himself one way, as happy go lucky. But he's pretty wrathful, pushy with his opinions, and very unaware. He also plays the victim card. Nothing is ever his fault. He won't usually take responsibility. Also he had a son. Who died. And he could care less bc he "didn't want to be a father." He was an absent father to his son. Yet he whines and moans about his own dad not accepting him. Talk about irony. I'm totally venting. 6.) He's been hurt. He's been abused, assaulted, he has trauma. I felt for him at one time. I really cared about him at one time. I'm sorry he went through what he did but its not an excuse to treat others poorly. 7.) I sort of understand him doing this underhandedly. He's too scared probably, to risk being direct with me and he's right. If he ever contacted me I would ignore him or reject him.

There are better things to do with my time than focus on this person. I went to a writer's event tonight and listened to a great author speak. I'm taking classes. I got a job.
I'm also very lonely sometimes. Maybe that's ok. Maybe that will change.

I don't know exactly why I wrote here. I would like support. Thank you.

I guess for a little while, this morning, seeing what he wrote, really knocked me off balance. Im ok now. I do need to process.

((((((((WovenGalaxy))))))))

Well, that's one way to confirm that ending the friendship was the right call. I'm glad you have other writing groups to participate in where you won't run into him again. Did the person who forwarded you the newsletter know that was about you?

Hugs, WovenGalaxy. It’s hard to find good friends, but it’s also good that you’re not putting up with being treated badly. I hope you can find better friends in the near future, too.

It helped to write about it.

@hvert I wasn't sure myself at first. I talked to her the other day and no she didn't know. I felt better hearing that, too.

Saying someone is a narcissist based on google criteria isnt always The best way to gauge a personal issue with someone. Its certainly not out of the realm of possibility but is very easy to look at a list and plug in info to make something fit.

I do not entirely disagree with you but I am entitled to my opinion and in this instance I stand by it.

Actually, that's not completely true. I think that...truthfully, of course I don't know for sure if he is a covert narc. I thought about it a day or so ago. I was reminded of how much we enjoyed each others company at one time. It was a good feeling! I was a bit rattled by your comment Sarah, it wasn't the right timing for me to read it, but you are entitled to your opinion too.

I wasn't plugging stuff in, in search of what was wrong with him, I actually stumbled across it by accident. I don't know if he is a narcissist anymore - maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I do know he hurt me, and it's been helpful to process it through writing.

The reality is that whether or not he's a narcissist doesn't matter. His behavior is unhealthy for you. A relationship with him is unhealthy for you. That's all there is to it. You don't need to justify or rationalize or diagnose him. Wish him well, set him free, and set yourself free from anything he says or does by acknowledging that he's unhealthy for you and you don't have to explain any more than that. You have a right to how you feel about things and don't owe anyone any chances or justification.

Hope this helps.

Well, that's kind of normal for narcs though. The initial relationship is a honeymoon. They groom you by love bombing you at the beginning. It's how they groom you to accept their bad behavior in the future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy Actually, that's not completely true. I think that...truthfully, of course I don't know for sure if he is a covert narc. I thought about it a day or so ago. I was reminded of how much we enjoyed each others company at one time. It was a good feeling! I was a bit rattled by your comment Sarah, it wasn't the right timing for me to read it, but you are entitled to your opinion too. I wasn't plugging stuff in, in search of what was wrong with him, I actually stumbled across it by accident. I don't know if he is a narcissist anymore - maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I do know he hurt me, and it's been helpful to process it through writing.

I am sorry, i wasnt trying to dismiss or invalidate you.

Thank you Sarah.