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Ralah
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Default Oct 01, 2021 at 07:41 AM
  #1
Hi everyone. I have nobody in my life that I can tell my story to, and I am not even sure if I can articulate it properly here but I feel so incredibly alone and isolated that I thought feedback from someone else might be comforting. My marriage is destroyed, and it is my fault. A few years ago we were faced with the prospect of a change that my husband wanted and I strongly did not. I didn’t want to say no outright to the change, I tried to be understanding and open to the idea, but the very existence of the idea hurt me profoundly and sent me into a depression. The best way I can describe it is like there are two people living inside me, one logical that wanted to be reasonable, and an emotional one that was lost in depression and fear of change, and I was at war with myself.

I eventually pulled myself out of the pit that I’d fallen into and started to resolve my conflict and understand my husband’s point of view, but it was too late. By this point he had poured a tremendous effort into comforting and reassuring me that I had nothing to fear from the change and that he loved me no matter what. Except I had become a source of stress on him and a drain, I had caused him pain and depression. His work and other aspects of his life suffered because of this. I couldn’t see the toll my depression was taking on him.

Now it is too late. He is depressed, he doesn’t love me anymore. I have destroyed his feelings for me. I have destroyed both of our lives because of my initial fear. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t know how to move forward. My husband is my whole world and life, I don’t want to go through this world without him…. If you have made it through this very long-winded post, thank you for reading my story. If nothing else, I am glad to at least share my thoughts with another human being.
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bpforever1
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Default Oct 01, 2021 at 07:53 AM
  #2
It takes two people to work at marriage so it can't be totally your fault. Please don't feel as if you are the only one responsible to make your marriage work.

Have you tried marriage therapy? I heard it can help.

If you still want to salvage your marriage, please don't give up on him. He may turn around eventually so be patient and think of options to save your marriage, rather than giving up on it.

I hope others can chime in and tell you some useful advice also.

Best wishes and hang in there!
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Rive.
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Default Oct 04, 2021 at 07:08 AM
  #3
You are taking A LOT of responsibility over something (i.e. a marriage) that is the responsibility of TWO people.

I don't know what that 'prospect of change' entails (and I am not asking) BUT seeing the idea of this change hurt you, I am confused.

You say you caused him pain by saying 'no' to whatever it is. Yet, saying 'yes' would have caused YOU pain. How is the idea of sacrificing yourself to do something your husband wanted to do - but that, in your words, would ultimately hurt you, be the best choice and/or would have saved the marriage?? Working something out in a marriage is not about one partner suffering or sacrificing themselves for the other. IF two people want different things, compromise rather than sacrifice is the way to go. Or parting ways.

The sole responsibility of the marriage does not rest on your shoulders. Your husband holds equal responsibility. Likewise, you are also NOT responsible for anyone else's feelings. Your husband is responsible for his own feelings.

IF he only has love for you when you always go along with what he wants, this is not a healthy marriage. Is that even love? Doesn't sound like it. It sounds more like him holding you hostage to his needs, wants or desires.
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Ralah
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Default Oct 04, 2021 at 11:50 AM
  #4
Thank you both for your responses. bpforever1, I am not going to give up. I am just in a real low right now. We did try marriage counseling and it was helping for a while, but my husband doesn’t think it is useful at this time so we put it on pause.

Rive I am sorry I’m afraid I was unclear, it wasn’t my saying “no” that hurt my husband, it was me getting lost in my depression and fear for so long. He told me that if we never perused the change that it was ok and he would love me no matter what. But then, he spent so much time reassuring me of that point over & over that he grew upset and depressed himself. I heard his words, and intellectually I had no reason to doubt him, but it’s like I just couldn’t make his words stick on an emotional level…. That’s where I failed and blew up both our lives. He feels that he couldn’t have done anything differently. I don’t disagree with him. I feel that I SHOULD have handled things differently but was incapable of doing so.

I want him to forgive me, and I want to forgive myself.
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Rive.
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Default Oct 04, 2021 at 12:36 PM
  #5
I guess the point is that you did not want the change and that it would have upset you.

I don't think it is fair to you to do something that would hurt you this much: "but the very existence of the idea hurt me profoundly and sent me into a depression"

I wish you were kinder to yourself, that's all. You didn't blow anything up by yourself. It takes two.
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Ralah
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Default Oct 14, 2021 at 06:49 AM
  #6
He has said in the past that we are both to blame for the breakdown of our marriage because we failed to handle the situation as a couple, yet he will say frequently that “I” destroyed our marriage by being up in my head about things and hung up on my fear, so I feel like he blames me when he says this. He has always been more emotionally intelligent than I am, so I also feel like if he believes I deserve blame then I do. I don’t get people or emotions well, I never have. How can I forgive myself if he doesn’t forgive me? One of my current problems is that he will throw out a comment about how I destroyed our marriage, and it just knocks me down to such a low that I can barely function at all. The depression is so crippling. I need to try to process this hurt somehow.
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Broken Old Man
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Default Oct 14, 2021 at 07:35 AM
  #7
Good morning Ralah,
I'm pretty new to this site and just catching up with your story.
I think you have been given good advice to this point but I would like to add a couple thoughts/suggestions.
First, the only thing in life that we can control is ourselves. We can't make others forgive us, but we can forgive ourselves.
No, it isn't always easy, it doesn't happen overnight, but it is possible. I'm living proof.
Suggestion one: If your husband won't go to couples counselling with you any longer, find a counselor for yourself. It took me a while, but I finally found one that helped me tremendously!
Suggestion two: Read two books that I find extremely helpful: The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck and Co-Dependent No More by Mellody Beattie..
Suggestion Three: Focus on yourself right now. Yes, I know that sounds selfish and is not easy to do. But, the bottom line is that if you aren't good for yourself, you won't be good for anyone else.

I hope maybe some of my drivel helps.

BOM
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Ralah
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2 yr Member
Default Oct 16, 2021 at 06:37 AM
  #8
Thank you all for your replies. You have given me some food for thought.
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Delta11
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Smirk Oct 25, 2021 at 03:06 AM
  #9
It’s 5am here and I couldn’t read all the replies, and I don’t know if this is appropriate for you or your situation, but, if I were a disillusioned guy, there’s nothing that would make me love a girl more than if she made a strong sexual move and rocked my world, and told me she wants to do that every day. I don’t know if other guys are like that, but that would work for me. It may not solve all the problems but it may break the ice and set a very positive tone.

Provided of course that you want it that way.
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