Bipolar husband and having kids

Need advice | I am the wife of a wonderful husband who has bipolar 2, ADHD, depression, and PTSD

My husband and I met when we were 17 and have been together for 11 years (married 3 years). He is my best friend, the love of my life, and my soulmate. Being together for over a decade, we have been through our fair share of life-changing events. My husbands Father died of brain cancer when we were 21 and then not even a year later my husband found his older brother dead two days before thanksgiving. His brothers death was a surprise nightmare. He had diabetes, but did not know and died alone from ketoacodosis. These events would change and effect anyone, but my husband is also diagnosed with Bipolar 2, ADHD, depression, and PTSD.

I am no newby to mental health. I have GAD, depression, and minor OCD. I also have an older sister who has Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar, and recovering from a long eating disorder. My childhood was spent visiting her in mental institutions and hospitals. She once tried to end her life in front of me when I was 16. She is doing well now and we are very close, but she has taught me a lot about mental illness and mental health.

So when I met my husband 11 years ago and fell inlove with him and learned more about him, I was not pushed away or scared. Yes, I know mental illness is serious, but I am a strong believer in the thought process that anyone diagnosed with a mental illness DID NOT CHOOSE THIS! I always, always ground myself with that prospective when I find myself getting frustrated. But lets face it, when you are a wife to a husband who has bipolar 2, it is not easy by any means.

Recently, my husband was hit with an extreme depressive episode. He has been out of work going on over 3 weeks now. He works a very physical job in maintenance/hvac and the job was wearing him down a lot. Then all of a sudden he just shut down. Crying at night, not sleeping for days at a time, then sleeping days a time, VERY mean to me, always on his phone looking up every single little thing, not shaving or caring about anything at all really. We talked as soon as I realized something was going on and he basically told me that he is so depressed that he does not and can not do anything, I could see in his eyes it was serious and as the days went on where he continued to call out of work, I knew it was an episode he was going through.

He was able to get some time off work and that is what he says he needs, "time". His psyc has adjusted his meds ( prozac, lamictal, a benzo, and adderall). I think he is started to feel a bit better, but we will see as the next few weeks go on.

So..... the other night my husband said some hurtful things relating to not being able to talk to me about things. This resulted in us getting into a long convo where we talked about these "things". We have been trying to get pregnant for the past 2 years. In November 2021 we did get pregnant, but sadly we lost our baby a few months later and it was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. My dream since I can remember is to have a family and be a mother and my husband has known this since the day he met me. Well turns out the "things" he cant talk to me about is that he doesn't know if he wants kids now. When those words came out of his mouth, my entire body went numb. He said things like - "did you know I can pass my mental illness to our child" , "what if I have another episode like this when we have a baby, what then" "what if I can't keep a job in the "future". ALL things I knew when I married this man. He had no job when we got married and I have always been the sole bread winner, but I married him because I am inlove with him and he is the best person I have ever known. But after he said hes not sure he wants kids.. I am angry. I feel tricked. He knows how hard this miscarriage was on me and how badly I want us to have a baby as we are getting older. I know it is great that he is opening up and telling me his fears, and yes I do appreciate that so much. But, if he actually decides he does not want to have a family with me, I do not know what I am going to do. I don't want to be with anyone else, I want to grow old with my husband.

Please... I need advice from anyone who has been in a situation like this or has sound advice.

Perhaps you could get a therapist to help you figure out what you want for your life.

It sounds like it would be a childless marriage or you cut your losses here and find someone who wants to be married and have children.

You need a good marriage counselor. See if there's a Partial hospitalization program or an intensive outpatient program. Don't make any major decisions while he's in episode. As a mom with mental illness with a "child" (he's 19) with mental illness. I wouldn't change it for the world. Our lives look much different than "normal family's" but we are really close. We each have a team (dr, therapist and case manager) that can and do talk to each other. So that's 7 professionals (we share a psychiatrist) that keep tabs on how we're doing individually and as a family. I suggest you get a team together (individual therapists, marriage counselor to work with your (If you have one) and his psychiatrist.) This has prevented so many almost separations.

I agree you need to figure out what you want in your life.

Honestly I think your husband makes some good points. YOU chose to be with him. A child doesn't get a choice.

Why do you feel tricked? Do you think he's always felt that way or is it possible he changed his mind after his last depressive episode? It's understandable a major thing like that has made him reconsider. It's not fair to be angry at him for thinking about the potential baby's wellbeing.

I have to agree with BreakForTheLight on the point your husband is making about the baby’s potential well being. It might not be that he doesn’t want a child, but he’s looking at the objective reality of him being a parent, which I have to commend him on because it shows he doesn’t want to be selfish where the child’s needs and whatever wants he might have (had) are concerned.

He is being pragmatic, realistic, and even responsible about having children. I wish ALL parents considered this before having kids.

Besides, he did not say an outright 'no' to having children but yes, there IS a lot to consider. It *is* true that MI can be 'inherited'. He didn't say this to hurt you but it is true that it can take a toll on both parents *and* the kids.

This is definitely something you, both, need to address. Professional help may facilitate this conversation and/or ensuing options or alternatives.

Thank you all for the advice. I do agree that my husband is being smart in bringing these things up for us to talk about. He is a very smart man with a kind soul and I know he said these things out of concern for our future children and our family.

We have continued to talk about this and we do know what we want in life. We both love eachother and want to stay married. He is not saying no to having kids, he just wants to talk about certain things because he does not want to ever let me or a future child down. We both want children and to have a family . No, our family will not be perfect and will function in different ways at different times, but I think that is okay.

We are going to go to our therapist together to talk about these things in depth so that when we do have a child, we are prepared for situations that may arise. I know that this episode hes going through did bring up a lot of these thoughts in him and I totally understand. I was not angry, I guess more confused because he has never said anything about not wanting kids in 11 years. That is why I said I felt tricked because over the decade we have always talked about our future family, have names picked out, and already lost one baby.... so I felt like "have you always felt this way and just said everything is the past to please me?". But, we have opened up the communication in this topic big time and it has been hard, but great for our relationship and for our future.

Having a child is a serious thing and even more so when one partner or both suffer from mental illness, so I also commend my husband for being the one to bring up his concerns and fears. But Mental illness should not be a reason to give up on having children if you are educate yourself and and surround yourself/family with the right support.

I urge you to get your OWN therapist and start doing your own therapy. You have a window of time (biological) to work within and while there is plenty of time now, the years will tick by and your window will close.

The decision is - do you want to spend years waiting to see if he changes his mind or do you cut your losses here and use those years to find someone who is eager to have children?

Your posts talk in terms of "we" but it sounds to me like HE is driving this train. How would you feel if you waited another 5 years or so and found out that you require expensive interventions to try to achieve pregnancy and you couldn't afford it? Or you wait years and you're 45 years old and that window is closed? You need to work on THAT basis - not the basis where "we" love each other and he shouldn't let mental illness stop him.