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Default Oct 04, 2021 at 10:04 PM
  #1
So I have been taking classes and this weekend there was a two-day workshop that was really personally intense for me. When the instructor asked us to share our feedback after a breakout room activity, I spoke for about 10-15 minutes like everyone else did. My classmate laughed at me, and when I said, "hey that's not nice," she deflected.

Then tonight, she found me on Facebook and Google called me to accuse me of monopolizing the class time. She said I acted like the workshop was all about me (her projecting on to me, I think) because I am more outgoing and outspoken than she is.

When I tried to diffuse her by thanking her for her feedback and stating that I would try not to "monopolize" future classes or workshops we both attend, she accused me of not listening and then hung up Google chat on me (super passive aggressive move, I thought). She didn't even listen to me, when I asked her to hear my side of the story (she wasn't interested in giving me the same courtesy that I gave her by listening to her rant at me before I responded).

After I read her passive-aggressive message on Facebook, I forwarded her message to our co-instructors who have Facebook profiles (that's where we both learned about these classes and workshops). I asked the co-instructors for advice and feedback, after I gave them context of the acrimonious conversation between my classmate and I, tonight.

The boundaries I put up with the classmate were, "I will listen to you, respect your feelings even if I disagree with you, and I would like you to hear my side of the story now." But she didn't respect my boundaries by accusing me of not listening to her.

Wrong, I did and I repeated what she said to check for understanding, word-for-word, then asked, "Is this what you meant?" To which she yelled, "No! You're just not listening!" So I paused, tried again, and got the same response, which is why I think she was projectile vomiting her trauma on to me, rather than calling me out of the blue to have a calm discussion about her perceived miscommunication from me during our 2-day workshop.

If I was wrong, I can admit it (begrudgingly sometimes, but I will apologize when I am wrong: I won't apologize just to placate the other person though b/c that is a codependent response).

Of course, I suspect she will play herself up to be the victim to our co-instructors, who were both there when this all happened. I think this is a case of two people who have opposite personalities and very different communication styles.

I don't like it when people rant at me, and when I respond with healthy boundaries. And if they still rant at me b/c they aren't really communicating to understand or resolve conflict, then I end the conversation. But the way she hung up on me was not her way of setting health boundaries. It felt like the tactic that a manipulator uses, to try to undermine my self-confidence or make me doubt myself about having health boundaries.

I could use others' perspectives here. How do you deal with difficult people? Do you think I responded incorrectly to her behavior? If you think so, what do you recommend I do in the future with a difficult person like her - who just wants to rant and rave, but not actually communicate for clarity and resolve miscommunication, that is perceived or real?

If you were an instructor who has two students in conflict, how would you diffuse it before the next class?
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 06:00 AM
  #2
Wow. One, i am really surprised she contacted you on facebook. I took the DBT BPD training marcia watsername, and we were hardly allowed to even talk to each other in class, let alone outside. Same for Anonymous type meetings.

So i think she is just waaaaay out of line. It sounds like you handled yourself the best you could. The teachers should tell her to mind her own business before the next class. She is just acting out.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 06:20 AM
  #3
It is obvious she needs to be right. I would ignore her......
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 08:51 AM
  #4
I would block her on social media.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 09:00 AM
  #5
What does it matter what she thinks?

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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 10:23 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Wow. One, i am really surprised she contacted you on facebook. I took the DBT BPD training marcia watsername, and we were hardly allowed to even talk to each other in class, let alone outside. Same for Anonymous type meetings.

So i think she is just waaaaay out of line. It sounds like you handled yourself the best you could. The teachers should tell her to mind her own business before the next class. She is just acting out.
Thanks, una. I'm shocked that she thought it would be appropriate to call me up on Google chat - I'm a complete stranger to her despite 4 months of online classes together twice a month.

You are correct. She was waaaay out of line. I felt like she was bullying me. Yes, she was definitely acting out. And she's a grown adult in her 50s!

I mean, why go through all that trouble to tell me she doesn't like me? Why not just put me on mute during class and ignore me, if I'm such a terrible person?!

I'm really curious what motivated her to act so passive aggressively with me. I really want to know. Of course, I'll never get an answer out of her.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 10:31 AM
  #7
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It is obvious she needs to be right. I would ignore her......
Oh yes, Marie you are correct! She is that type of person, who goes through life putting everyone else down around her, to raise herself up. When she spoke of a former friend she knew in her 20s, she spoke very dismissively of the poor girl who struggled with drug and alcohol addiction, "She was just Jessica, the party girl, you know? Fun to be around at parties!" No regard for Jessica's struggle in her recount of this former friend.

I am definitely going to ignore her moving forward. The only concern I have is what the instructors are going to do about this situation, since i contacted them on Facebook about this woman's passive aggressive bullying of me last night.

So far, neither instructor responded to my message. That's a HUGE red flag for me. That non-response shows me that the two instructors either don't want to get involved in setting boundaries with this online class between students who have personality conflicts with each other, or they could care less, or worse, will suddenly confront me either at the start of the next class or will gaslight me and treat me like crap at the next class, if they choose not to contact me ahead of time with their game plan about handling student related conflict.

If you are going to teach a class to the public online (or in person), you should expect that adults may not get along with each other, and be willing and be prepared to diffuse those situations when they arise.

This woman certainly hasn't been a saint towards me in class, by any means. She's been dismissive, made back-handed compliments sometimes.

And, when I set boundaries with her last night on the Google chat call, she did not like this at all. How dare someone set boundaries with her?! The way she hung up on me when I set the boundary with her, and then sent her follow up passive aggressive Facebook message shows me: 1) she's mentally not a stable person 2) she's extremely immature 3) she's a bully and 4) she tried to manipulate me to feel guilty for her perceived slight.

I plan to ignore her for sure. The question is, how will the two instructors handle this situation as I have the next online class where she and the two instructors will be next week?
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 10:36 AM
  #8
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I would block her on social media.
Oh, trust me Bill, I blocked her immediately on Facebook. She crossed the line of normal behavior by contacting me the way she did, and act the way that she did. It freaked me out, to be honest. I've never had that experience before from online classes before.

Like I already mentioned, I'm concerned how the two instructors will handle this situation moving forward. Their non-response so far is a HUGE red flag for me. It makes me think:
  • they have no conflict resolution skills
  • don't care
  • think if they ignore this issue it will go away
  • will also active passive aggress with me next week when the next class is
  • will take her side and act inappropriate with me as their student somehow

How should I prepare for next week's class? I already messaged both of the instructors and they won't respond, which makes me leery. I don't want this classmate bully to deter me from completing this online course that I already prepaid for and can't get a refund if I stop attending it.

Why do some adults act this way? She had multiple ways she could have dealt with not liking me: ignore me being the best way.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 12:05 PM
  #9
Maybe this is a new challenge the teachers have not faced and they are quiet because they are thinking about how they will address it.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 12:41 PM
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Maybe this is a new challenge the teachers have not faced and they are quiet because they are thinking about how they will address it.
I have no idea. They've been co-teaching this class for two years, and have taught individually their own courses for a minimum of 15 years. In all of that time, they've never had two students with personality conflicts and addressed that?

I could have no reached out to the instructors on Facebook to report what this woman did to me, and addressed it in next week's class. I thought about that. But she caught me off guard last night and I reacted quickly.

I checked my Facebook messenger today. One of the teachers left the conversation without responding. That's her response. And a red flag to me not to work with her in the future, which is no big deal.

The other teacher hasn't responded. A part of me can't help but wonder if she and this other student chatted after the class this weekend about what happened.

I'm just upset that this crazy woman contacted me to rant at me, vs. act civil in class and either ask me to stay behind to chat with her with the two other instructors as buffers, or just choose to ignore me and not make an issue out of my chosen method of sharing to the class, that she felt was monopolizing class time.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 01:17 PM
  #11
Try not to assume these teachers sided with this individual. You got caught off guard by this person all you can do is take steps to disengage.

Some people like to push buttons and have very poor communication skills.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 01:17 PM
  #12
[QUOTE=Motts;7129671]

Like I already mentioned, I'm concerned how the two instructors will handle this situation moving forward. Their non-response so far is a HUGE red flag for me. It makes me think:
  • they have no conflict resolution skills
  • don't care
  • think if they ignore this issue it will go away
  • will also active passive aggress with me next week when the next class is
  • will take her side and act inappropriate with me as their student somehow
I wonder if the instructors just have a different idea of what bullying is. Some people believe that in order for it to be bullying there has to be an ongoing pattern of abuse . I wonder if that is where they are coming from?
Quote:
How should I prepare for next week's class? I already messaged both of the instructors and they won't respond, which makes me leery. I don't want this classmate bully to deter me from completing this online course that I already prepaid for and can't get a refund if I stop attending it.

Why do some adults act this way? She had multiple ways she could have dealt with not liking me: ignore me being the best way.
I am not saying you shouldnt have messaged the instructors but maybe since this is the first they are hearing about it means its not harmful?

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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 02:18 PM
  #13
This person is looking for extra attention outside of class, and i think the instructors lack of immediate response is telling her they are not going to respond to her manipulations.

She may be used to throwing tantrums and getting her way. Thats probably part of why she is in class! She is there to learn this exact lesson. Unfortunately, you bore the brunt of it, which is not your place - youre not getting paid for it, the teachers are. Consider it extra credit work on your part?!
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 02:34 PM
  #14
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Try not to assume these teachers sided with this individual. You got caught off guard by this person all you can do is take steps to disengage.

Some people like to push buttons and have very poor communication skills.
It’s hard for me not to assume that the two teacher sided with this crazy woman, because who’s to say they don’t message back-and-forth with each other between classes? I have no idea what their relationship is like with each other. That’s my biggest fear. Is that my personality is not compatible with the crazy woman’s personality, or the two teachers personalities. And I’m being punished for being different. I.e.. Having healthy boundaries.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 02:37 PM
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[QUOTE=sarahsweets;7129756]
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Originally Posted by Motts View Post

Like I already mentioned, I'm concerned how the two instructors will handle this situation moving forward. Their non-response so far is a HUGE red flag for me. It makes me think:
  • they have no conflict resolution skills
  • don't care
  • think if they ignore this issue it will go away
  • will also active passive aggress with me next week when the next class is
  • will take her side and act inappropriate with me as their student somehow
I wonder if the instructors just have a different idea of what bullying is. Some people believe that in order for it to be bullying there has to be an ongoing pattern of abuse . I wonder if that is where they are coming from?

I am not saying you shouldnt have messaged the instructors but maybe since this is the first they are hearing about it means its not harmful?
They may have a different idea of what bullying is. But we’re all adults in our 40s and 50s. The fact that they’ve both been teaching individually for 15 years leads me to believe they had instances with their adult students not getting along at some point, and I don’t know how they choose to diffuse those situations.

And these teachers are also moderating their own community rooms on Facebook that they respond to posts. So they could very well be in communication with this crazy woman about what happened.

That’s why it’s difficult for me to interpret their silence to my reaching out for clarification and support. I have never been treated like this before by another adult student.

The other reason I reached out to the two teachers is because I want to document this, because like others pointed out this crazy woman obviously needs attention outside of class if she’s going to go out of her way to call up a complete stranger to scream at. It really caught me off guard and freaked me out.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 02:43 PM
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This person is looking for extra attention outside of class, and i think the instructors lack of immediate response is telling her they are not going to respond to her manipulations.

She may be used to throwing tantrums and getting her way. Thats probably part of why she is in class! She is there to learn this exact lesson. Unfortunately, you bore the brunt of it, which is not your place - youre not getting paid for it, the teachers are. Consider it extra credit work on your part?!
Totally agree with you that she’s looking for extra attention outside of class. I’m hoping that the instructor silence to my email means they’re not going to respond to her manipulations.

But if they messaged back-and-forth with her and have a more established relationship with her as a student or as I am new, that could also plan to this whole situation.

Because the crazy woman’s been taking classes from these two ladies for a couple of years. And I’ve only been taking classes from them for about four months.

I think she’s definitely used to throwing tantrums and getting her way. The way she responded to my firm boundaries, by hanging up on me than sending me the passive aggressive Facebook message after she hung up on me shows that she was trying to manipulate and trigger me for her own benefit. For all I know she forwarded my Facebook response to both instructors too.

I wrote a very brief and vague response to her crazy Facebook message: “ thank you for contacting me with your concerns about the Sunday workshop. You gave me a lot to think about. As I said moving forward class will go on as normal.“

I wouldn’t have put it past her to forward that to the two instructors to use as fuel for her tirade against me. And even if I hadn’t responded to her passive aggressive Facebook message I’m sure she probably contacted them anyway. I really don’t know. But this is driving me crazy.

Well it definitely is extra credit. Hopefully these teachers aren’t complete assholes to me. Hopefully they are intelligent enough to take responsibility for setting boundaries with their classes. And not be surprised when students in their classes have conflicts with each other‘s personalities.

I don’t know why I’m still upset about it today.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 09:09 PM
  #17
Hi Motts,
The feeling I am getting is that the frightened person feels threatened by your presence in the class......... sort of like her view of your persona is taking over her spot. She has been with them for two years and here a newbie (you) come walking in and ta da.
OR
Maybe she has an ingrown hair up her butt.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 09:35 PM
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Update: On Facebook one of the instructors posted about her upcoming schedule and asked for feedback. I posted positive feedback about her classes and then asked if she was going to create a curriculum or schedule to email to students ahead of the classes - she said no, she wasn't. Then...she put me on IGNORE.

Does this mean I shouldn't attend her class next week? Still no response to my Facebook message from her or the other instructor.

Why has this become a 'situation' now? Am I that hard to communicate with? Or, is it that she can't be bothered. She has my money - a lot of it for prepaid courses. I don't get it.
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 09:52 PM
  #19
“The way someone treats you isn’t a reflection of your worth, it’s a reflection of what they’re worth”

Daniel Chiricahua
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Default Oct 05, 2021 at 10:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
“The way someone treats you isn’t a reflection of your worth, it’s a reflection of what they’re worth”

Daniel Chiricahua
Thank you for that reminder. I also realized, that my communication style is my biggest hurdle with the way I interact with people. Being more concrete and less abstract in my communication style, gives people the misperception that I am an impatient, blunt person. I can totally see how my communication style gets in my own way.

Makes me think of that Soren Kierkegaard quote about truth.

"Truth always rests with the minority...because the minority is generally formed by those who really have an opinion, while the strength of a majority is illusory, formed by the gangs who have no opinion."

Instead of approaching communication with others in a broad, abstract way, I zero in and go for the literal, concrete evidence; no metaphors, no analogies, no euphemisms. My direct communication style can make me seem aggressive, overbearing, even pedantic I imagine.

I found this link tonight, thinking about this whole situation and how it actually helps explain why this crazy woman was so triggered by my communication style at our most recent class. It doesn't excuse her crazy behavior of stalking me on Facebook then Google calling me to yell at me.

But it helps me see potentially why she went off on me the way that she did. She's still very immature and a bully, but at least I understand how people may misconstrue my communication style and think I'm one way, when I'm the exact opposite.

Understanding Concrete Thinking: What It Is, Limitations & Benefits
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