Is this selfish?

My boyfriend decided he wants to get a pet. At first he was thinking about a dog. I reminded him that it might interfere with his lifestyle since he likes to have his freedom to do things, and he agreed. But he is still looking for another pet. He lives an hour away, so if he were to spend the weekend at my house, he would not be able to be there for the pet. He is thinking he can choose a pet where that would be possible, but I think a pet requires more than that. Now he is focused on other kinds of pets, but they require care too.

I want him to be happy, but at the same time, I entered this relationship knowing that we are free to do what we want at any moment since we both do not have children, and he likes traveling (which is something I want to do more of.). Having a pet would mean that I would have to go over there all of the time, and I want to at least be able to have my boyfriend come to my house and stay over on some weekends sometimes. I know that he likes doing this too, but I don't think he fully grasps all of the responsibilities that it takes to have pets. For some reason, this whole situation upsets me a lot more than I have been willing to admit. Sometimes I have a hard time asserting myself when I think that I am being selfish, but I can't help that I have certain needs.

Would it be selfish if I shared this with him, or should I just be supportive?

Not selfish. When my husband and dated we lived close to two hours apart. And we worked opposing schedules and demanding jobs, in fact I worked two jobs so dating was hard. I didn’t think I had energy to even go on with this.

If my then boyfriend said he is getting new pets (not talking if he already had pets) and having those pets will make our dating harder, I’d not be supportive at all and I think I’d probably wonder how committed he is to us and our relationship if he is willing to create yet another obstacle.

Thank you. That's exactly how I feel.

Most all pets get very lonely if left alone for long periods. Dogs and birds (parrots) are extremely social animals and can literally become depressed, if neglected. That's even beyond just getting the food and exercise/play they need. A cat would be a better bet, though even they need care and attention. Perhaps a fish in a fish bowl? He could bring that to your place with some fish food. The fish won't care as long as it's fed.

Pets are not "belongings", toys, or decorations. They need to be part of a loving, caring family, and always require work. Just as a decision to have a baby shouldn't be made, lightly, the same goes for adopting pets.

That's what I'm thinking as well. It wouldn't be fair to the pet.

I agree with others - it’s not selfish of you to not want to spend every weekend at his house because he chose to get a dog or something he can’t easily bring over to your house. The reasons he might want a pet are understandable, but if he’s serious about getting one he needs to consider the animal’s welfare first and foremost, how does it really fit in with his life, how would he juggle the pet and your relationship in a way that was fair to both (or all) of you, who would look after it at short notice/emergencies if needed etc (not just going on holidays/travelling). Etc.

These are all very good points and what my concerns are. I'm glad it's not selfish to feel this way or to express this to him.

I agree that you being the only one to travel on weekends would be unreasonable. What if he proposed to bring the pet with him to your house on the weekends?

While I agree that it wouldn't be fair if you had to travel always to his place, I don't think it's fair of you to ask him to get a pet that will suit your needs. You're not living together. The choice is his - it's his pet and his decision. He must be willing to give up some things if he wants a pet that badly. I agree with Bill - can he bring the pet with him to your place on some weekends?

Perhaps... it would really depend on what kind of pet it is, and I'd have some questions for him.

It is his pet and his decision.

Then, I would try not to influence him with your own thoughts and desires and let him choose. That's my two cents.

It is not selfish if the care of the pet falls onto you (you didn't sign up for that) and impacts your life or relationship in any way.

Actually, I would say that he is the one who is not thinking it through i.e. how it would impact you personally, your relationship, the care and/or well-being of the pet in question. There is a lot of responsibility attached to owning a pet.

I don't think this is a matter of selfishness.
From my perspective, it is a matter of communication, or maybe the lack thereof.
Take it from someone with a lot of experience....relationships without communication are destined to fail.
My recommendation is that the two of you sit down and have an open, honest discussion. Don't hold back your feelings.
Talk about your feelings, your fears, your thoughts.
Let him do the same.
If you can communicate, you can work through this.

BOM

My dogs & pets always went with me everywhere. It was a love me love my pets kinda thing & my every day life was all pets oriented & yes, I intend to keep it that way the rest of my life. Thing is our values need to be intentional not just on a whim so your BF needs to make intentional choices with his life & accept the consequences they bring. The points you bring up are important for anyone who needs to be intentional & wise minded in a choice being made. Both you & him need to know the consequences & fully talk them through if you truly have a relationship. Relationships are ALL ABOUT COMMUNICATING

Thanks everyone for your helpful, honest advice and support. Usually in our relationship the communication is good, and he has expressed that he likes that part of what we have. But I see where I can go wrong, and that is the fact that I should not be afraid to hold back, while still being supportive. I brought up some of my feelings to him, while still showing support for whatever it is would make him happy, and I felt heard, so hopefully that will continue. He admitted that sometimes he makes decisions without thinking them through or doing enough research, so I am also hoping he will make a decision in the best interest of the animal. It sounds to me though that he has come to the conclusion that a pet would not be conducive to his lifestyle right now (not just involving our relationship.... but other aspects of his life). Maybe in the future it will be.

I like how you said it is ok to not hold back on feelings. This is something I struggle with.

I'm glad I was able to help a bit,
I have a lot of experience in NOT being good at communicating, and three failed marriages to prove it.
Its taken a long time, but I think I'm finally starting to crack that egg in my own life...maybe.

BOM