Mum assumes feelings

Jessii · Oct 10, 2021 at 10:16 AM

My mum frequently assumes how others feel despite telling her what she thinks is incorrect.

I was playing in the park with my children. I slipped over and she constantly asked 'are you alright?' 'is your leg hurting' 'how are you feeling that must have really hurt' and so on. I said I'm fine. No pain totally ok - thanks. We get home and she is telling everyone I really hurt my leg, trying to get me to sit down etc. I tell her again, I'm fine. 'It looked like it really hurts, you'll be sore in the morning'. You get the idea...

My daughter finished school and was 'quiet' in the car according to my mum. I asked her is all ok and she said yes, just travel sick as using her phone in the car. My mum proceeds to keep asking her if she was ok? Telling her (and me) she must have been feeling sad in the car to leave her friends hence the quietness. Again, we corrected and explained the travel sickness.

This drivese mad. When I tell her to stop it she just says 'oh ok, I won't bother caring then'

Eugh, any advice?

Bill3 · Oct 10, 2021 at 12:33 PM

Insisting on what your (or your daughter's) feelings are is a type of gaslighting, it is invalidating.

"I won't bother caring" is a type of emotional blackmail, which is when someone inflicts emotional pain when you don't do what they want you to do.

What happens after she says "oh ok, I won't bother caring then"? An option might be to just leave it at that, let her "not care" and see if that stops her from denying people's feelings.

Another option might be to ask her about it, not in a confrontational manner but in a genuinely curious manner: "Why are you insisting that we are wrong about our own feelings?"

poshgirl · Oct 10, 2021 at 02:07 PM

Jessii, I can relate to what you're experiencing.

Have a mother who has always made assumptions but can't offer a sensible explanation when challenged about what she's saying. One instance was when I announced my ex and I had split, her response was "what did you say to upset him?"

Then there's ongoing situation with my sister-in-law (lashed out at me, no apology). Every time we've spoken my mother can't understand why I'm behaving the way I am. She can't tackle issue with my brother because he's the favourite son; they've also produced her only grandchild.

She has to have an outlet for her angst and I've been it. Enough is enough! Unfortunately, her personality type cannot or will not change. If their ideal world is challenged, then it becomes a quest to make you feel guilty and keep her in the position she thinks she deserves.

They have to feel needed and cannot accept any criticism without retaliation. To maintain the "caring nature" you're supposed to agree with everything that's said, even though it's OTT.

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Mum assumes feelings

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