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cinnamonsun
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Default Oct 17, 2021 at 09:59 AM
  #1
I've realized at this stage in my life how important it is to accept people for who they are. I'm not saying to excuse hurtful, abusive, or bad behavior. Let me try to explain what I mean.

Last weekend I did an outing with my parents, we went to a beautiful place in the mountains. Before leaving, however, my mom was having a fit because my dad hadn't prepared this or that correctly, because my dad had forgotten to do something, and it got to a point she was snapping at him and constantly, rudely, and meanly demeaning everything he was doing. I lost it. I blew up. I admit I should have calmly walked away but I lost my cool because of how she was treating my dad.

I told her with a lot of inappropriate swearing that I wasn't going, that if she was going to behave like this? I was DONE. And left.

Later she came in and apologized, said she was stressed out and had calmed down now, and invited me to go again. I was making tea, so I looked at her calmly, and explained, "Yes, I know you were stressed out but that wasn't okay, I can't handle you acting that way. I can't handle you being stressed like that." She began to explain it was my dad's fault. And I shook my head and told her something I've never told her before, "I believe my dad is on the autism spectrum. He doesn't mean to do what he does, it's not his fault. You can't continue treating him like that."

My dad can drive me crazy too, but I've learned to recognize a lot of his behaviors look like autism. Sometimes people are who they are and it's beyond their control, they can't help being who God, Fate, Nature...whatever, made them to be. Some people have disabilities, some people are just different, and that's who they are. A lot of people have expectations and needs, wants, and demands to be met. And sometimes they are impossible because there are things about ourselves, no matter what we try, we simply can't change. There are some things people can't change about themselves.

I can't change I have a mildly impaired memory.
I can't change I have mental illnesses.
I can't change I have an autoimmune disease.
I can't change my height.
I can't change the fact I was born in a female body but identify more as male.
I can't change that I'm attracted to men and women.
I can't change my IQ.
I can't change the past.
I can't change my age or the aging process.

I think the first step toward accepting others, is accepting yourself. If you can meet them with compassion if you can understand them and meet them at their level and invite them to meet you at yours...When you can love yourself despite any flaws and imperfections. I think a lot of issues with relationships would resolve themselves.
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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 09:17 AM
  #2
What a coincidence to find your post!
I’m very much at the same point as you.
For the first time in my life I’m accepting myself and this opened me a way to understand others better and accept them as they are. Taking with humor things from other that in the past used to bother me. I feel as a more compassionate person.

I understood, I don’t know if you agree, that when there’s a certain behaviour or an attitude from another person that bothers or upsets us, it’s a sign that something inside us is not very well.
In other words, it has to do more with ourselves than with the other person.

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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 12:54 PM
  #3
I think it depends - there are certain behaviours and attitudes that *should* bother you because they indicate that person isn’t safe to be around. While I agree compassion and acceptance are good, we still need to know when those feelings of being bothered are trying to warn us.
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Default Oct 25, 2021 at 12:59 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
What a coincidence to find your post!
I’m very much at the same point as you.
For the first time in my life I’m accepting myself and this opened me a way to understand others better and accept them as they are. Taking with humor things from other that in the past used to bother me. I feel as a more compassionate person.

I understood, I don’t know if you agree, that when there’s a certain behaviour or an attitude from another person that bothers or upsets us, it’s a sign that something inside us is not very well.
In other words, it has to do more with ourselves than with the other person.
My mom has some issues. My dad doesn't have empathy or much emotional expression. He's just, non-emotional. I saw him cry once in his whole life. My mom needs a lot of love and emotional support but my dad is how he is and can't provide it because he's incapable. I feel bad for my mom. But I also know you need to provide emotional love and support to yourself and can't just depend on other people to fill you with love. You need to fill yourself with love.

My mom is going into therapy and I hope she gets the help she needs. My dad has a different way of expressing love. Because I understand he loves me. He shows love through actions of giving and making things for those he cares about. Will he say, "I love you."? No. He rarely does that. He doesn't show physical affection. But I know he loves me because of all the times he saved me and helped me, and went out of his way for me.

Anyway, these are wise words and I'm glad you shared the with me!
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Default Oct 26, 2021 at 07:04 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by cinnamonsun View Post
My mom has some issues. My dad doesn't have empathy or much emotional expression. He's just, non-emotional. I saw him cry once in his whole life. My mom needs a lot of love and emotional support but my dad is how he is and can't provide it because he's incapable. I feel bad for my mom. But I also know you need to provide emotional love and support to yourself and can't just depend on other people to fill you with love. You need to fill yourself with love.

My mom is going into therapy and I hope she gets the help she needs. My dad has a different way of expressing love. Because I understand he loves me. He shows love through actions of giving and making things for those he cares about. Will he say, "I love you."? No. He rarely does that. He doesn't show physical affection. But I know he loves me because of all the times he saved me and helped me, and went out of his way for me.

Anyway, these are wise words and I'm glad you shared the with me!
I understand your mum’s need but I also understand your dad. It’s how he is. It’s a matter of personality. Noone can change another person. But, at the same time I understand your mum’s needs.

The thing here is a matter of choice. I mean, up to which point is your mum ready to accept or coexist with somebody who cannot provide her with what she needs.

My mum and dad were totally incompatible and I tell you from my very heart that I would wish both had found other partners of life. It would have been better for all of us, to be honest. And for them both, in the first place.

There’s a mistake we tend to make and is to expect from others what we want or need. It’s a waste of time. And it’s also a way to take the responsibility out of you and put it in others.

I’m glad your mum is going to a therapist. I’m not implying that it’s her fault or anything close to it. I’m glad because she can progress on her self-knowledge and be happier. And have all the information to make her own choices, whichever they may be.

You sound very wise in your knowledge of how to interpret things. I congratulate you. No f@cking matters how much disabilities you may have. That doesn’t mind a f@cking thing. What matters is your clear mind and your ability to be compassionate.
Thank you for your thread.

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Default Oct 26, 2021 at 03:39 PM
  #6
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I understand your mum’s need but I also understand your dad. It’s how he is. It’s a matter of personality. Noone can change another person. But, at the same time I understand your mum’s needs.

The thing here is a matter of choice. I mean, up to which point is your mum ready to accept or coexist with somebody who cannot provide her with what she needs.

My mum and dad were totally incompatible and I tell you from my very heart that I would wish both had found other partners of life. It would have been better for all of us, to be honest. And for them both, in the first place.

There’s a mistake we tend to make and is to expect from others what we want or need. It’s a waste of time. And it’s also a way to take the responsibility out of you and put it in others.

I’m glad your mum is going to a therapist. I’m not implying that it’s her fault or anything close to it. I’m glad because she can progress on her self-knowledge and be happier. And have all the information to make her own choices, whichever they may be.

You sound very wise in your knowledge of how to interpret things. I congratulate you. No f@cking matters how much disabilities you may have. That doesn’t mind a f@cking thing. What matters is your clear mind and your ability to be compassionate.
Thank you for your thread.
You sound like me. For most of my life, I wish my parents had divorced and found other partners. Because everyone would have been happier. And I wouldn't have endured some of the things I did as a child. BUT our experiences shape who we are and maybe there was a reason my childhood and life has been what it's been.

We don't choose what family we are born into either.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me! They are very appreciated.
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Default Oct 28, 2021 at 04:04 AM
  #7
I’m the one who has to say thanks because your topic in this thread made me deep down the point I’m currently living.
And also about my parents past situation.

On one hand, as to what my parents regards, my dad was emotionally dependent on my mum so he became very controlling and I had to go through it, too. My mum used to confine me her problems with him and I even lived them.

On another hand, in relation to myself, I’m beginning to experience the progress you already reached. In the sense that I used to react to the outside and was kind of dependent myself so I saw reflected on your mum. Everything affected me, any little thing, any disagreement, any, even innocent remark was kind of an offence. Because I wasn’t good inside. It was all because I was not free of myself. I wasn’t free to make choice because I didn’t like myself a little bit. All I could see was negative and for the first time, I’m beginning to see my self-true and accepted and even being fine with me. It didn’t happen a month ago. So, as you can guess I’m full of relief and happiness.
At the same time, I knew that this change was gonna make possible to reach out to people and understand them better. So, I had to make this effort to be what I am. An empathic person. A person who cares about others and it hasn’t been possible until I take out my shell and break it up into pieces.

In what your dad’s regards. It’s fine to show care by giving things. We learn to express care according to how we were taught.
Some kids learn to show affection by the language, others through physical touch, others offering...It will depend on the patterns they learnt from their caretakers.
Then, it’s the thing about empathy. There are people who are more emotional than others. It doesn’t mean they are less than others. The good thing is to be able to develop your real true without masks. Accept yourself is the way, some people are gonna be more comfortable than others with you, but it’s happens.

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Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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