What is happening???

My partner does a lot. He cooks cleans does DIY and I'm forever grateful.
Today we had some family over and he was cleaning. A lot. Even though the house was clean. He was putting up mirrors, cleaning the oven, mopping floors you name it! Yes the house looked absolutely amazing after and he cooked a roast dinner.

I had the baby. That was my 'job'. When the baby was sleeping I wanted to sit with a coffe and my older children for 10 mins. He told me I needed to clean mirrors and scrub work tops. I was annoyed but I did it.
He was insistent that he put some coat hooks up in the laundry room but we couldn't agree where and he snapped at me saying I've had months to think about it all. He was rude and swore. I told him he does not talk to me like that and he said I made him.
I was crying and he said he was going to walk out because I give him a hard time. Said I've ruined his day, the weekend. I've asked him what I've done and he couldn't tell me.

I think I'm depressed. I think there is something not right with me but I don't know what. I feel quite confused a lot of the time

That's abusive - he's turning things around on you and is making it all your fault, when he's the one being unreasonable and blowing up. No wonder you're depressed and feel there's something wrong with you. It's not you - it's HIM.

I am so very, very sorry that happened to you.

Relationships are tough. One can only provide half of what goes on in a relationship. The other person has to provide the other half. When things do not go well, half the responsibility must be the other person's. No one can be 100% responsible for what happens in a relationship. Here is the reason . . .

Even if one person, say, makes a mistake, the other person can choose how to respond. One can be merciless or merciful, unforgiving or forgiving, tolerant or mean.

To be merciless is a mistake too and sometimes a character flaw.

Another thing to consider is that people have expectations for each other and often these are unrealistic. Sometimes we "expect" someone close to us to be perfect or nearly so. That is an unrealistic expectation.

Only an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-wise, and all powerful Infinite Being could be perfect. So expecting perfection of a finite human being is unrealistic and if one does it all the time, can be a character flaw.

So before you beat yourself up over what happened, maybe you would like to ask yourself if perhaps your husband has unrealistic expectations concerning you. And you might also want to ask yourself whether his "choice" to react angrily and mercilessly isn't his decision and his responsibility.

"Perfectionism" whether imposed on oneself or imposed on one by others often causes depressed feelings and moods.

Sometimes people over-react to things or their responses are excessive. I know I do. I often respond disproportionately to events.

A couple of men in the last 100 years caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through genocide and campaigns of forced starvation. Now that is really bad. That is something one could be really angry about.

What did you do in the situation you describe? Did you cause the destruction of tens of millions of people? No. Did you cause the destruction of millions of people? No. Did you cause the destruction of hundreds of thousands of people? No. Tens of thousands, thousands, hundreds . . . No. I'm not sure you even made a mistake, but if you did it was far, far, far, far, far less serious than the mistakes of people like Hitler and Stalin! So please go easy on yoursef.

I wish I knew what to say to ease the suffering you are going through. You are a good person. You do countless good and sweet things each day. You deserve to be treasured not scorned. I hope your husband calms down and realizes how many good and wonderful things there are about you. You deserve that.

Sorry I could not be helpful to you. Hopefully others here will be prove helpful.

Is he a neat freak? I am, so I could kind of relate. I am not cussing or threatening people though.

What helps me to stop constantly freaking out is to have chore chart. We list what needs to be done during the week and assign chores. That helps me to not freak out if my husband sat down. As long as chores are done, sitting down is just fine.

Your husband needs to stop coming up with urgent tasks. If mirrors had to be cleaned up, it should be discussed ahead of time and planned accordingly. Could you suggest that? Also speak to him that you won’t tolerate abuse.

Would couples therapy be possible?

He's said it's my fault we haven't started therapy as I haven't made the call.

He called me a F-ing C-word.

He said I infuriate him when all I want to do is talk about our problems.

I told him he needs help, and I wish he understood but he just shuts me down and talks over me with irrelevant things.

He really confuses me.

I've asked him to leave and he says no

Using the C word and swearing at you is unacceptable treatment. You've asked him to leave and he has said no? But then he threatens to leave and walk out? This man sounds unstable. I would make plans to leave him, if at all possible, or you can get into couples therapy. In fact, he needs individual therapy AND couples therapy.

Oh boy I suggested couples therapy not thinking how bad it is…Calling someone F….c…is probably beyond couples therapy. This should be the last straw.

Whose house is it? File for child support or whatever other maintenance you might qualify for and if house is yours and he refuses to leave, call the police. If it’s his house, take your children and go to a shelter.

Abuse like this usually escalates. Won’t be too long before it gets worse. Also your children watching it and learning that this is a proper way to be in a relationship. They’ll continue this cycle

I agree with many of the previous comments. He is being abusive. I know the psychology of abuse is complicated and that you may feel like you can't leave but you really need to find a way. Is this the environment that you want your children to grow up in?

I would start investigating what resources and support are available in your area for victims of abuse.

No, it seems there is something wrong with him but he is trying to shift all the blame onto you. He sounds very abusive and controlling.