Getting over the feeling you’re bugging others

RoxanneToto · Oct 20, 2021 at 03:00 PM

I’ve always felt like I was bugging other people when reaching out (except family and the few people who became close friends); also I feel I’m bad at knowing what to say and it just feels really humiliating at times. I’d really like to know the reasons behind feeling like I’m bugging others at least, and is there anything I can do to get over that?

Yaowen · Oct 20, 2021 at 03:04 PM

I feel like that myself. Don't have any answers though.

Broken Old Man · Oct 20, 2021 at 03:31 PM

Sorry you are feeling that way Roxanne,

I'm prob not a good person to give much advice here. I HATE to ask anyone for anything. Was hard enough to come here and ask when I'm completely anonymous!

For me its not that I feel like I'm bugging people, its just that I don't like asking for help for anything. Never have.

BOM

RoxanneToto · Oct 20, 2021 at 04:40 PM

I feel similar - too independent for my own good sometimes! I’m mainly asking because I might be getting back in touch with biological family. Might not even happen, but I’m trying to get prepared in case it does. I’m not going to be forcing anything, of course, I just want to do my best. Thank you both, anyway. Good to know it’s not just me, at least.

Broken Old Man · Oct 20, 2021 at 05:10 PM

Rosanne,
I don't know you or your bio fam.
I can say that I have two kids, 33 and 34. Their mom turned them against me when I divorced her.
Relationships with them have been off and on, very volitile for last 30 years.
Daughter and I are reconnecting. Son and I likely never will.
For me, reconnecting is a good thing though the relationship will never be very close. still, she and her fam came out this Spring for 10 days. Had fun getting to know grandkids.
I think connecting/re-connecting with family is good, so long as you don't have to bastardize your beliefs to make it happen.
My recommendation is to take things slow, one day at a time, and be true to yourself in the process.

BOM

RoxanneToto · Oct 20, 2021 at 05:35 PM

Thank you, BOM. I’m working with someone from the adoption agency to do this; she says it can be weeks before people reply to the letters, and the ones to my family have only just been sent. On one hand I’m excited by the possibilities, on the other I’m bracing myself. I have met one sibling, years ago, but it didn’t last - I think we were both too young to deal with a reunion. It wasn’t my choice to meet them; I didn’t know they existed until they introduced themselves to me. I was hurt for a long time after, but willing to forgive and try again if they want the same.
Thank you for sharing your story; it’s just sad how some family relationships go, really.

ArtleyWilkins · Oct 21, 2021 at 09:49 AM

Just be prepared that your biological family may not be who you think they might be.

My niece did find out who her biological family is, but she quickly discovered they are not the kind of people she would be in relationship with voluntarily - they are just SO different from her belief system, her value system, etc. She knows. And she is content to let that be enough.

RoxanneToto · Oct 21, 2021 at 10:33 AM

Thank you, ArtleyWilkins. I’m sorry your niece had that experience, but glad she came to a place of acceptance. I can’t imagine how she must have felt, though.
I’ve seen posts and videos they’ve put on Facebook that suggest they do have similar values and beliefs to mine, though I will concede this isn’t the same as knowing them personally. I actually really hate Facebook and only joined so I could look at their accounts, to help make sure we had the right people to send the letters to. If they don’t respond in the next few weeks, or don’t want contact, I’ll be deleting my account!

unaluna · Oct 21, 2021 at 02:19 PM

My mother had this attitude towards me of, she would discuss stuff with my older brother (either her own stuff or stuff about me), then never to talk to me about the things. It wasnt even a "need to know" basis - it was more that i NEVER needed to know, as far as they were concerned. Or once the emotional stuff was relieved, they had nothing left for me. So yeah i ALWAYS felt like i was imposing.

To where i would hardly respond "...and how are YOU?" to coworkers, because that seemed intrusive! If they wanted me to know, they would tell me! Or so i thought. Not rose colored glasses - more like family blinders.

So i wonder if something like that is playing in your mind. I just try to be quiet in my head and hear what i feel.

RoxanneToto · Oct 21, 2021 at 03:24 PM

Unaluna - I’ve definitely felt like I was imposing on other people. I eventually let them go, when it wasn’t reciprocal, but it’s a horrible feeling and left me thinking there was something wrong with me. I’m sorry your mother has that attitude, on the most basic level it’s rude and inconsiderate behaviour.
So yeah, I have kind of a push-pull thing going on in my mind right now. Like, if they do respond and want to talk, I’d hate feeling like I was imposing, which I probably will feel even if it’s not warranted.
I’m seeing my counsellor tomorrow, anyway, this is definitely something I’ll be bringing up. Thank you, everyone

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Getting over the feeling you’re bugging others

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RoxanneToto Grand Poohbah Member Since Aug 2020 Location: England Posts: 1,692 3 6,991 hugs given	Oct 20, 2021 at 03:00 PM #1 I’ve always felt like I was bugging other people when reaching out (except family and the few people who became close friends); also I feel I’m bad at knowing what to say and it just feels really humiliating at times. I’d really like to know the reasons behind feeling like I’m bugging others at least, and is there anything I can do to get over that?
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Yaowen Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2020 Location: USA Posts: 3,618 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,475 hugs given	Oct 20, 2021 at 03:04 PM #2 I feel like that myself. Don't have any answers though.
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Broken Old Man Member Member Since Oct 2021 Location: Colorado Posts: 68 2	Oct 20, 2021 at 03:31 PM #3 Sorry you are feeling that way Roxanne, I'm prob not a good person to give much advice here. I HATE to ask anyone for anything. Was hard enough to come here and ask when I'm completely anonymous! For me its not that I feel like I'm bugging people, its just that I don't like asking for help for anything. Never have. BOM
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RoxanneToto Grand Poohbah Member Since Aug 2020 Location: England Posts: 1,692 3 6,991 hugs given	Oct 20, 2021 at 04:40 PM #4 I feel similar - too independent for my own good sometimes! I’m mainly asking because I might be getting back in touch with biological family. Might not even happen, but I’m trying to get prepared in case it does. I’m not going to be forcing anything, of course, I just want to do my best. Thank you both, anyway. Good to know it’s not just me, at least.
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