[xRavenx]

I've been in a relationship for nearly six months. We text in the morning, but lately I feel like I initiate it most of the time. It makes me wonder if he even cares or if I didn't do it, if he would or not. To me, I like hearing from him the first part of the day. We do not live together and only get to see each other on the weekends due to living pretty far, so I notice I am feeling more insecure that this particular thing in our relationship is something he does not do anymore. He will always respond to me in a sweet way when I text him first, but it is starting to hurt me that he is not initiating it much anymore. In the beginning, it was even, or he would initiate more.

He is great in every other way and makes an effort. I don't know if this issue is "too high school" and that I should just accept it or keep texting myself since here and there he will initiate. I don't know if maybe I should just not text him in the morning and see what happens then. But often people don't take the hint.

Is this something that I should bring up to him? If so, how can I do it in a way that sounds reasonable? I am afraid of falling apart emotionally while I talk about it, because sometimes my emotions are all over the place when I try to resolve a problem. Plus, I don't want him to feel bad, because he shows me that he really cares in other ways or at different times. However, this problem is really starting to upset me and contribute to my depression and anxiety.

I also wonder if this is a conversation we should have in person or on the phone?

[divine1966]

I’d simply not text him in the morning and see what happens. Do you also initiate all dates or just texts? Stop initiating. You’d usually get your answer by stop doing it. Is he going to step up or is it going to fizzle?

In my experience (personal and other people’s) if you have to ask a man to pay you more attention, it’s a sign of a trouble. Sure people can change and make a better effort. Like if you have to ask him to stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink, it’s a fine request and hopefully he’ll wash the dishes better. But if you want more attention, it’s more fundamental. Usually if he wanted, he would. And if he doesn’t it’s typically because he doesn’t want to. I think you deserve a man with whom you are comfortable and content, not depressed and anxious.

Of course it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to him about it. You could. After 6 months you should be free to talk about whatever you want and it doesn’t matter if it’s the phone or in person. Are you not 100% comfortable with him?

I think it’s concerning that you question if you should bring something up. You should be free to bring anything up

Where do you think this relationship is going?

[SprinkL3]

Communication is almost always best (except if you're dealing with a domestic violence or intimate partner violence situation, or otherwise toxic relationship - which you're not).

The phrase "playing games" comes to mind when people "test" their relationships through passive-aggressive means, such as not calling or texting or showing affection or whatever else to see what reactions ensue after that. It's not fair to any party in the relationship because (a) we're not mind-readers, (b) we're social beings who need communication and direct approaches to learn and grow, and (c) it doesn't give the other person an opportunity to change because indirect actions or inactions isn't communicating that to your significant other. We can't make assumptions based on distal actions or inactions; we can use our voices to ask questions and communicate how we feel.

For what it's worth, there may be a number of reasons why your significant other isn't initiating text or phone conversations. It could be that the person is busiest in the mornings, but the person also doesn't want to bother you in the evenings, if that's when you unwind or tend to sleep early. It could be that the person is aloof to these customs of give-and-take in healthy relationships, and that the person needs a friendly reminder that it would be nice if the person spent some equal amount of effort in calling or texting or emailing you. It could be that the person has a medical problem that you are unaware of. Or it could be the sad reality that people in long-distance relationships tend to grow apart because of their lack of time together, etc. The only way you'll know is if you ask.

You could practice asking these questions with a therapist or with us online here. You could do role-play, just to prepare, in case you are anxious about the outcome and want to be prepared with the person's responses.

But you could also write down a private list of your own - some "talking points" you want to address in your next conversation with your significant other. You could text your significant other to see what time they are available to talk or Zoom, so that the conversation isn't cut short. You want to have enough time to speak about this. If your significant other is avoiding speaking with you at length, then that's a separate scenario altogether. The first step, however, is preparing for that conversation and then having that conversation.

[Have Hope]

I would just ask and tell him what you need/want. That way the ball is in his court to step up or not. And to show you that he does care in this way, too. He needs to care about how it makes you feel always being the one to initiate contact, and you only want some reciprocation.

[cinnamonsun]

I have been through something similar...very similar. It was even in the beginning, but after a while...you just sense or feel something is different. He always acted the same. Friendly, charming, attentive, when I messaged first. But then...I was always the only one initiating. It made me anxious and depressed too. I remember crying sometimes at night and I couldn't understand why because he was so nice and not being specifically mean. But I also sensed he was holding things back and something wasn't right. I'd send a selfie and he would be nice but disinterested. Yet say in another conversation he really likes me. Mixed signals are very confusing.

I went through something traumatic and sought support from him and he brushed me off. That is about the time I chose to walk away. Someone who is really into you, they will really show up.

Whenever someone's behavior changes, that is either a yellow flag or red flag for me. You are valid for feeling upset about this. The advice already given is good advice. I have nothing more to add except to say I know exactly how you feel and you are not crazy, too sensitive or overreacting.