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Default Nov 06, 2021 at 02:11 PM
  #1
We have exchange students. A week ago one of them came to my room and basically had a meltdown because of how my parents treat her. One thing she said was, "I haven't even been hugged in two months." And I sat here like...is it normal to be hugged? I was raised without physical affection and tenderness, so I have no idea what is normal or abnormal. I am sad to say, it never occurred to me to give these girls hugs. I never think about doing this because I'm so not used to it. It's not something my family does now or ever.

I see these girls being treated the way I was (though I don't think as severely) and it's heartbreaking. They have been thinking about quitting the exchange program and going home. My parent's attitude is, "Living in our house is enough we don't have to take you places to see the country. By the way, you cost us a lot of money so you should be grateful." But my mentality is, "No one comes from another country to sit around in a room in the middle of nowhere just looking at cows and trees. People who come to see America, come to see America." My parents don't want to do any trips for them because they don't want to spend money. Because they refuse to feel obligated. It's like their only emotion is resentment.

I have been thinking about this. I know my parents have money. I'm like...You guys have money, why are you acting this way? I'm trying to work on a trip to Boston and I plan to take the exchange students. If my parents don't want to step up as decent people, I will. I'm working on plans to give them an awesome Christmas too. Last year my parents didn't even want to celebrate, and it took me blowing a fuse, yelling and cursing at them, to make them change their minds. I had already bought them gifts and my dad's response was to return them and get my money back. I lost it.

My parents have/still treat me like I'm a burden for needing to go places. I don't have my license because of a disability. My mom usually refuses to take me anywhere because I'm too much of an inconvenience. She will take these girls, but she gets so angry at them if she has to, which upsets them. They complained they are constantly being yelled at and it's like everything they do is wrong. One asked for a friend to stay the night and my dad yelled at them saying that they paid for the house and all the expenses and that they don't have the capacity to allow them to have a friend stay overnight. (Ironically they invited my sister and her fiance to come to stay for a week. Hmmm.) I was like...what BS is this? These girls are not allowed to even have friends like normal teenagers?! My parents like to remind them that they are an expense on them as well as their friends. And this is how they have treated me as well.

The one girl said, "My mom has never done this or treated me this way. She never reminds me of how much money I cost her. I don't understand this."

I don't understand it either, but now I know that this isn't normal. I am not one of the host parents, but I am wondering what I should do in this situation that could help it. Because it is affecting their mental health. I felt like my parents never should have agreed to be a host. Because I know how they are, they still trash and make fun of past exchange students they had. I hear them say horrible and ugly things about one that was such a sweet girl. Some of it borders, to me, on racism. I have no idea why they participating in this program. All they want to do half the time is complain and vent and rant about the current exchange students.

I have a background in psychology and did study adolescence. They are just normal teenagers. I really adore and enjoy them. But I want them to have a good experience.
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Default Nov 06, 2021 at 02:15 PM
  #2
Why did they take on exchange students if they have no interest in it???
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Default Nov 06, 2021 at 02:21 PM
  #3
I wish I knew what to say. The situation is very perplexing to me. My English is not very good and so perhaps I am missing something. I do think those exchange students are lucky to have you in their lives. I'm not familiar with how "exchange student" system works. So sorry!
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Default Nov 06, 2021 at 03:20 PM
  #4
Exchange students go through the high school system. They are from other countries and they spend a year in the high school system. Host parents basically take them in for a year so they can experience America. But American students go to other countries through these programs. It's really neat. Some do it at the college level too. I hope that explains it a little better.

I really don't know why they wanted to do this if they are not interested. The two students said the same thing to me. They asked me why my parents agreed to have them if they are not fully interested or into it. I wish I had a really good answer for them but I don't have one.
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Default Nov 06, 2021 at 05:58 PM
  #5
Wow - I'm very sorry to hear this... it's heartbreaking. The exchange students should be having a wonderful experience instead of this type of negative and guilt-tripping experience. My only suggestion is to treat them yourself as best you can, be a good supportive ear for them and be supportive... go with them places if you can, even if it's just for walks nearby. Try to make up for where your parents are lacking, if and when possible. It's really a shame that your parents are behaving this way, as though it's a burden to them. They never should have agreed to do so. Maybe also give your parents a good slap upside the head and set them straight yourself.

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Default Nov 06, 2021 at 06:38 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Wow - I'm very sorry to hear this... it's heartbreaking. The exchange students should be having a wonderful experience instead of this type of negative and guilt-tripping experience. My only suggestion is to treat them yourself as best you can, be a good supportive ear for them and be supportive... go with them places if you can, even if it's just for walks nearby. Try to make up for where your parents are lacking, if and when possible. It's really a shame that your parents are behaving this way, as though it's a burden to them. They never should have agreed to do so. Maybe also give your parents a good slap upside the head and set them straight yourself.
I spoke with one of them today and my parents told them that we don't celebrate Christmas. And I sat here like what?? We have celebrated Christmas every year of my life! Not too long ago, my parents told me that my sister and her partner are likely coming for Christmas. I am so lost on what's going on because I wasn't told that we weren't celebrating.

Yes. They will get a slap upside the head from me. I will not tolerate this. No guest should have to be put through this, let alone teens. I told her we WILL have a very merry Christmas whether my parents are on board with it or not. If they want to be Bah Humbugs then they can. WE are not.

I feel so bad my parents are such self-absorbed, selfish bitter people. Thankfully, I am not. I have far less money and belongings than they do and I am still going to find a way to make this a wonderful, joyful holiday for us all.
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Default Nov 06, 2021 at 08:06 PM
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I spoke with one of them today and my parents told them that we don't celebrate Christmas. And I sat here like what?? We have celebrated Christmas every year of my life! Not too long ago, my parents told me that my sister and her partner are likely coming for Christmas. I am so lost on what's going on because I wasn't told that we weren't celebrating.

Yes. They will get a slap upside the head from me. I will not tolerate this. No guest should have to be put through this, let alone teens. I told her we WILL have a very merry Christmas whether my parents are on board with it or not. If they want to be Bah Humbugs then they can. WE are not.

I feel so bad my parents are such self-absorbed, selfish bitter people. Thankfully, I am not. I have far less money and belongings than they do and I am still going to find a way to make this a wonderful, joyful holiday for us all.
GOOD FOR YOU - that's the attitude. Show 'em a celebratory Christmas!

And how could your parent's even claim they don't celebrate when they have every year? They sound off - like really off. Something's not right.

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Default Nov 06, 2021 at 08:53 PM
  #8
Yes, give them a nice Christmas. Good on you @cinnamonsun. Because for one thing, Christmas, like in all western countries, is basically the most important tradition within western culture, whether we agree with/believe in it or not. So, yes: they must have a Christmas.

As for your parents, wow. I can't really make a comment there. It's sort of... baffling. Hugs to you. 👍

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Default Nov 06, 2021 at 10:06 PM
  #9
@Have Hope. Something is off. That is why I am so concerned. I am keeping an eye. Do I call CPS if things get really bad? I am considering it. I feel within myself passionate to protect these girls. I don't want them to be abused and neglected the way I have been. It would not be fair at all. I've spent most of my life in and out of therapy trying to heal from the damage of my parents. I strongly want to protect them from harm. I used to say if I ever became a parent myself, I wouldn't want my parents around my children because I don't want them to hurt my children in the same ways they have wounded me. I don't know why they are doing this to them. Of course, I never understood why they did the things to me, either.

@mote of soul. I will watch over them while they are here. Christmas for me, I love the spirit of love and joy. Winter is beautiful. It's the spirit behind loving others and giving and spreading kindness that I am in love with. That is the magic of it for me. I hope to learn how their cultures celebrate this. That is another thing I am alarmed about all this. My dad is very condescending to them about their countries. He keeps reminding them that a certain ethnicity is superior. The thing is, we have that in our heritage but he doesn't even practice that religion or live within the culture. So I'm so confused by his behavior and him constantly reminding them how our heritage is better than theirs. That is not what you do when you are hosting people from other countries or cultures. It is so embarrassing for me.
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Default Nov 07, 2021 at 09:02 AM
  #10
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@Have Hope. Something is off. That is why I am so concerned. I am keeping an eye. Do I call CPS if things get really bad? I am considering it. I feel within myself passionate to protect these girls. I don't want them to be abused and neglected the way I have been. It would not be fair at all. I've spent most of my life in and out of therapy trying to heal from the damage of my parents. I strongly want to protect them from harm. I used to say if I ever became a parent myself, I wouldn't want my parents around my children because I don't want them to hurt my children in the same ways they have wounded me. I don't know why they are doing this to them. Of course, I never understood why they did the things to me, either.
I don't think CPS can do anything if there's no physical harm/severe neglect/physical danger/drug abuse? Though I am not entirely sure. You could call the exchange program director and speak with them about your concerns? Maybe the teens can be placed elsewhere if you speak up?

I really don't understand your parents' motive for having exchange students. I'm scratching my head. They seem like the complete opposite of parents who would.

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Default Nov 07, 2021 at 09:49 AM
  #11
Cinnamonsun, like others I'm wondering why your parents agreed to host exchange students. I agree with Hope about calling the director of the exchange program to express concern.

Who mentioned making the holidays special for the students. Does their home culture celebrate Christmas? How about asking them to teach you about traditions in their country? After all, the purpose of an exchange program is to learn from each other.

You posted elsewhere about getting them gifts for the holidays, but need to keep it small. How about souvenirs from your area? Picture postcards are small and easy to transport. I see you live in New York. Do you live in/near New York City? How about taking them on a waking tour of the city? If you of they have a camera you can take pictures for memories. There's a ton of things to see in the city that don't cost a thing to go look at.

I think it is wonderful you are doing what you can for these students.
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Default Nov 07, 2021 at 12:34 PM
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Alright, if I need to I will speak to the exchange program director. From talking to them, they don't like her. I don't know if they have expressed things to her and she brushed it off or what. But they very much dislike this person. I have never had a conversation with her, so I don't have an opinion. But I worry they have tried to talk to her and were ignored. However, if I speak to them. Maybe they will listen. I kind of suspect the coordinator talked them into as an act of desperation because they didn't have anyone else. And possibly, my parents didn't want to but said "Yes" anyway because my mom didn't know how to respect her boundaries and say "no." My dad didn't want to do it. My mom said yes, so he is probably resentful because he never wanted to host them in the first place. He complained to me about it. My mom doesn't respect how he feels about things.

We don't live near NYC. We are about 5 hours away. My parents are not willing to take them. If I had my license and could drive, I would. I feel like spending a weekend in NYC wouldn't be that expensive. I did a trip to Jersey, right outside NYC in 2019 and I found a nice hotel for a reasonable price. If you book outside the city and then drive or take a bus in, it's not that expensive. I believe the hotel I had was $63 a night.

I am very excited to learn how their cultures celebrate. I told them we will pick out stocks and put them on my fireplace. I need to sit down and ask them what their countries do. And maybe we can incorporate some of that. I love to bake and am willing to bake cookies that are from their cultures for that time of year. Or even cakes.
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Default Nov 11, 2021 at 06:45 AM
  #13
Not everyone welcomes exchange students for altruistic reasons. I did a semester abroad in college. The host that I and another student lived with had exchange students because her adult children didn't want her living alone - she had diabetes. We did once have to call one of her children late at night when she had a blood sugar episode. She sometimes complained about us costing her money. One time she took us to her home in the country, but otherwise we were left to our own devices as far as exploring the city, etc. At least we were in college, so we could be more independent than high school students.


Anyways, I think it's great that you want to do some activities with them and make their time in the US more special. I'm sure they will appreciate it.
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Default Nov 11, 2021 at 07:13 PM
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Not everyone welcomes exchange students for altruistic reasons. I did a semester abroad in college. The host that I and another student lived with had exchange students because her adult children didn't want her living alone - she had diabetes. We did once have to call one of her children late at night when she had a blood sugar episode. She sometimes complained about us costing her money. One time she took us to her home in the country, but otherwise we were left to our own devices as far as exploring the city, etc. At least we were in college, so we could be more independent than high school students.


Anyways, I think it's great that you want to do some activities with them and make their time in the US more special. I'm sure they will appreciate it.

They told me about a friend who has it worse. They went to a farmer family, and the farmers have them do almost all the farm chores, I almost feel they are being used for labor. From the moment they come home from school they are made to do farm work. I think things like this are horrible and I now realize not everyone has the best intentions. I think that is human nature. I still prefer to expect the best out of people, but it is what it is. I'm sorry you and your fellow exchange student had that kind of experience with a host.
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Default Nov 13, 2021 at 06:02 AM
  #15
usually there are contacts from both schools' countries for exchange programs right? Get in touch with yours, your school and ask them what they think. If the students have a little money can you all pool it and take a rideshare to do something ? Free museums?

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Default Nov 14, 2021 at 09:50 AM
  #16
Not celebrating Christmas with exchange students or not taking them places is not something CPS will consider abuse or neglect. Call their director and tell them your concern
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