I ‘ghosted’ my brother 20 years ago

Backstory to this: I was adopted and until I was in college, didn’t know I also had biological siblings. My older brother was engaged to someone I was at school with, who helped him find and ultimately introduce himself to me. We were still just teenagers, so I think we weren’t ready anyway, but long story short, we seemed to get on well at first, then it seemed like he started being hostile on the phone to me, though sometimes he could still be ok. I didn’t try to push it too hard, in any case.
In the end I stopped trying to call or text, as I was afraid I’d either never get a response or he was just going to blow up at me. The last couple of times, I think I got other family members but didn’t tell them who I was. Looking back, one of them likely knew, however. I realise now I probably should have sent a final message, but I honestly didn’t know how to handle it any more so just dropped contact. Maybe it has come back to bite me…

I’m now trying to get in contact with my siblings via a social worker, though haven’t had a reply yet. It’s been about a month; she did say it can take weeks to get a response but I’m not feeling hopeful right now.
We can only find this brother’s address (very close to where I currently live… but it’s not like I can just casually drop in ), so she has had to write to him and hope someone responds.
All this just really hurts right now; not knowing what will happen, and bracing myself for the pain of potentially getting no reply at all.

It’s never late to fix things! Have you tried to contact them through phone or social media? Postal letters often get lost in the pile, I know so many people who just don’t really open their letters or procrastinate it until they have like 100s of unopened envelopes.
I wish you the bests, you’re doing the right thing!

No one just knows how to handle all that you shared. It’s not unusual to avoid contact out of fear of the unknown.

I didn’t really consider that, but that might be at least part of what’s going on. Thank you.
I guess I feel partly responsible here because he did go to a lot of effort to find me, but I was left very confused as a teenager when he was hostile. One time he did apologise for not being in touch for a while - mum’s health had been very bad. I understand a bit better now and was hoping since we’re adults things might be different, but of course I have no idea what he’s thinking. All I know is I have a lot of things going through my head, mostly grief, still, over the initial separation and not meeting my mother.

The reality is that not everyone wants a relationship with siblings that weren’t raised in the family/given up for adoption. Ideally we’d all keep in touch but in reality not everyone wants to and we have to respect that.

I know, I will respect it if there’s no response. It’s just something I will have to process like everything else. There’s a small chance I might hear something but I’m not going to hold my breath forever. At least when I move I won’t be living so close by any more, which will help me.

Thanks, I don’t think he’s on social media though. I can’t find him on Facebook, at least. My sisters are on there, and some other relatives, but I’m thinking I’d prefer to make contact through the social worker, so that there’s a buffer zone between us and I have support in case things don’t go well. I keep changing my mind about what I want to do if I don’t get a reply from him, too. I’m having another meeting with my counsellor and the social worker next week, we can discuss how to go forward then. My self esteem is kinda low today though.
But thank you for your kind response. I’m not sure what kind of person he really is with regards to reading post lol!

Just wanted to update you all that we have had a response! One of my sisters called and she’s happy to have contact, and I can talk to my other siblings via her in emails my social worker will be sending. I literally cried on the phone to her. Still in disbelief but I’m happy. Turns out my brother was on holiday so hadn’t got the first letter when it was sent.

So happy to hear!!

Thank you, Bill3! It still seems kind of unreal but I’m looking forward to talking to them. I’ve been hoping I’d be able to, one day, for a long time now

Me too

First and foremost, be kind to yourself.

You ghosted him because you had a valid reason and to avoid feeling hurt. There is nothing wrong with that.

Now, you are trying to initiate contact. I hear that it makes it harder, what with the uncertainty added in but all you can do is breathe and be kind to yourself. You reached out and now the ball is in their court. Some may want to reach back and some may not but at least you know you tried. So, for now, take care of yourself and breathe..

Thank you, Rive. It was a difficult and confusing time; I think my brother might have found it difficult as well for reasons I can only speculate on now. But I really hope in time that we will be able to talk, and maybe even meet again. I’ve already forgiven him in my mind, and if I get the opportunity I will tell him, too.

Oh, apologies, it seems I missed the good news part. Anyway, I am glad you got a positive response, that is great!

Haha, that’s ok Rive! Thanks again!