advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
bpforever1
Magnate
 
bpforever1's Avatar
bpforever1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: earth
Posts: 2,063
5 yr Member
1,598 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 08, 2021 at 11:53 PM
  #1
I don't know what to do. My parents are in their 80s and aging fast. They say they will visit me but can't even manage their daily chores without a lot of pain and effort. I am getting worried about my brother.

He is living off my parents and has not been vaccinated. He does not want to find a job outside my family's business and wants my father to continue working. The problem is my brother can't do the work of my father's and is rather incompetent at everything he does. He is reaching 60 years old and never has had a real job. I am afraid he is waiting for my parents to die and take over everything.

My parents are really weak and depend on him to go to the doctor. I don't know what to do. He is not doing his best to take care of himself let alone take care of my parents. I want to help but am in no shape to do anything from where I'm living except to continue working and taking care of myself.

My brother has five degrees in all kinds of areas but has never used any of them to get a job. I am seeing the picture of what is happening to my parents and am afraid since he is living with them that he is going to take over everything although he can barely take care of himself. He used to make fun of me for having a mental illness, yet he does not work himself and does not want to live outside the house. He just leeches off my parents. My parents depend on him for rides and other minor chores/ tasks, but he is overall not doing too much. He can't run the family business nor find a job that will support him. I am afraid he is turning into a real leech and is waiting for my parents' demise. I am not really expecting anything from my parents but am worried that their last days may be horrible. My father is still worried about my brother and says if he does not work, my brother can't support himself. Our family is a real mess. I am actually doing better than my lazy brother who is waiting for a hand-out. I can't really believe this is happening but it scares me that my brother who has about over half a million dollars in debt is waiting for them to die. My mother is riddled with pain and aches and can't sleep. She also won't go to the doctor. I don't know what to do. I'm listening to what my brother does at home- he sleeps, eats like a pig, and is always on the internet. When he supposedly helps my dad, he disappears for hours then returns to pretend he is working. Does anybody have any suggestions about what I can do? Or, should I just watch in horror and allow my brother to take over everything when he can't even take care of himself?
bpforever1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Bill3, cinnamonsun, Nammu, Open Eyes, SprinkL3, Yaowen

advertisement
Yaowen
Grand Magnate
 
Yaowen's Avatar
Yaowen has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 3,618 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
6,475 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 09, 2021 at 04:43 PM
  #2
I am so sorry about the situation you describe. Wish I knew what to say that would help!
Yaowen is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SprinkL3
 
Thanks for this!
bpforever1, SprinkL3
cinnamonsun
Member
 
cinnamonsun's Avatar
cinnamonsun learning as a student again.
 
Member Since: Mar 2021
Location: NY
Posts: 236
3 yr Member
144 hugs
given
Default Nov 09, 2021 at 06:58 PM
  #3
Have you considered calling a protection agency for elder abuse? I believe there are agencies for this. I remember learning about elder abuse in college, which also includes financial abuse. This is a really sad situation. Your brother sounds a lot like my brother. I really feel for what you're going through.
cinnamonsun is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SprinkL3
 
Thanks for this!
bpforever1, SprinkL3
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,093 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 10, 2021 at 12:32 AM
  #4
If your brother is neglecting your parents it will get worse. He will probably take their money as he takes over more.

This is what my older sister did with my parents and they gave her too much control. My brother and I complained to the state as we felt my parents were being bullied manipulated and did not realize how much control they were giving her. You should start looking into adult protective services. Idk if you live in the US or what is set up you can get in touch with before it’s too late.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SprinkL3
 
Thanks for this!
bpforever1, SprinkL3
SprinkL3
Account Suspended
SprinkL3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2021
Location: DELETED
Posts: 2,752 (SuperPoster!)
2 yr Member
10.9k hugs
given
Default Nov 10, 2021 at 04:07 AM
  #5
I agree with the comments about about calling elder abuse in your local area on your leeching brother.

For him to have all those degrees, be unvaccinated, be neglectful toward your parents (his dependents), abuse the tax system by being a declared head of household as a caregiver to your parents when he's not doing the job properly, and much more, it could mean a lot of trauma, heartache, and abuse directly for your parents and indirectly (vicariously) to you and other caring members of your family.

The worst that will happen is an investigation will unfold either prompting your brother to take better care of your parents and be accountable now to the system (i.e., a geriatric social worker) or lose his rights as a caregiver and/or even face violations and/or criminal charges, depending on the jurisdiction. Caregivers to the elderly are under similar legal obligations as caregivers to children. They must make sure they are medically, emotionally, financially, and physically taking care of them.

There's the 2-1-1 or 3-1-1 non-emergency warm lines that your state and/or area offer (typically 24/7), if you're in the U.S.

There's the following two numbers you can call if you're in the U.S. (more information listed furthest below with web links tied to these two numbers):
• Elder Abuse Hotline: (800) 252-8966
• Elder Care Locator: (800) 677-1116

Here are additional resources:

National Institute on Aging

Quote:
Types of Abuse
There are many types of abuse:

Physical abuse happens when someone causes bodily harm by hitting, pushing, or slapping. This may also include restraining an older adult against his/her will, such as locking them in a room or tying them to furniture.

Emotional abuse, sometimes called psychological abuse, can include a caregiver saying hurtful words, yelling, threatening, or repeatedly ignoring the older adult. Keeping that person from seeing close friends and relatives is another form of emotional abuse.

Neglect occurs when the caregiver does not try to respond to the older adult's needs. This may include physical, emotional, and social needs, or withholding food, medications, or access to health care.

Abandonment is leaving an older adult who needs help alone without planning for his or her care.

Sexual abuse involves a caregiver forcing an older adult to watch or be part of sexual acts.

Financial abuse happens when money or belongings are stolen from an older adult. It can include forging checks, taking someone else's retirement or Social Security benefits, or using a person's credit cards and bank accounts without their permission. It also includes changing names on a will, bank account, life insurance policy, or title to a house without permission.

...

Elder abuse will not stop on its own. Someone else needs to step in and help. Many older adults are too ashamed to report mistreatment. Or, they're afraid if they make a report it will get back to the abuser and make the situation worse.

If you think someone you know is being abused — physically, emotionally, or financially — talk with him or her when the two of you are alone. You could say you think something is wrong and you're worried. Offer to take him or her to get help, for instance, at a local adult protective services agency.

Many local, state, and national social service agencies can help with emotional, legal, and financial abuse.

The Administration for Community Living has a National Center on Elder Abuse where you can learn about how to report abuse, where to get help, and state laws that deal with abuse and neglect. Go to NCEA - Home for more information. Or, call the Eldercare Locator weekdays at 800-677-1116.

Most states require that doctors and lawyers report elder mistreatment. Family and friends can also report it. Do not wait. Help is available.

If you think someone is in urgent danger, call 911 or your local police to get help right away.
Additionally, the Domestic Violence Website might also offer additional resources.

If your parents have experienced elder abuse victimization, the local Victim's Advocates might be able to offer compensation for the damages done, legal fees, pro-bono lawyers, relocation fees, respite for a new caregiver, a new temporary caregiver, etc.

The National Center for Victims of Crime

Crime Victims Hotline: (866) 689-4357 (HELP)

DC Victim Hotline:

Call or Text 1-844-443-5732

Chat

Elder Abuse & Neglect

Victim Connect:

Email: crisis@pathwaystosafety.org

1-855-4VICTIM (855-484-2846) or chat.

The U.S. Department of Justice - Elder Justice

U.S. Senate Special Committee on Aging: Report scams affecting seniors to the U.S. Senate’s Committee on Aging Fraud Hotline at 1-855-303-9470 and read Fighting Fraud: U.S. Senate Aging Committee Identifies Top 10 Scams Targeting Our Nation’s Seniors

FINRA: a resource to educate investors. You can conduct a background check on your investment professional or contact the Securities Helpline for Seniors if you have questions or concerns about your investment accounts.

National Long-Term Care Ombudsman Resource Center: Locate your state or county’s Long-Term Care Ombudsman and they can look into concerns you have about treatment at a nursing home or assisted living facility.

Eldercare Locator: offers a helpline at 1-800-677-1116. online chat, or email at eldercarelocator@n4a.org to locate supportive resources in your community like home health aides or meals-on-wheels programs.

National Adult Protective Services Association: NAPSA’s Get Help Map assists in finding your local Adult Protective agency which y may be able to help by investigating your situation and connecting you to local support services or law enforcement.

Elder Abuse & Neglect Information

Safety Planning

Mental Health & Self-Care

Financial Assistance Resources

Housing Resources and More Housing Resources

Sexual Assault Resources

Financial Fraud Resources
SprinkL3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
bpforever1
SprinkL3
Account Suspended
SprinkL3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2021
Location: DELETED
Posts: 2,752 (SuperPoster!)
2 yr Member
10.9k hugs
given
Heart Nov 10, 2021 at 04:21 AM
  #6


I worry about my 86 y/o mom, too. She never got her missing front teeth fixed. She lost them while biting into broccoli. My sister at the time was caring for her, and my mother felt emotionally abused by her. My sister spent a lot of money on her own beauty treatments and teeth, but she neglected to care for my mom properly. I reported my sister anonymously.

My mom would send me messages back in 2017 and 2018 that my sister was causing her stress and making her feel like she would have another heart attack. I worried so much for my mom back then, and still do. Thankfully, my mom moved out and asked her granddaughter, my niece, to be her caregiver. At the time, it seemed like that was a great plan.

Flash forward to now and my niece (my mother's granddaughter/caregiver) remains unvaccinated with her two children she gave birth to during the pandemic. She's not married, and the man she's with isn't vaccinated either. It's horrible. There's another granddaughter (my niece) living there as well, and she is vaccinated. My mother is vaccinated, but she never got her boosters. I think she's struggling to find a ride. Meanwhile, my sister (the one who abused and neglected my mom) decided during this pandemic to move in with them. It is unclear if she is fully vaccinated or not. And just last week, they decided to go clubbing while leaving the great grandchildren (two of them) of my mother alone with her. My mother should NOT be having to babysit any children alone - not in her condition, not at her age, and especially given the fact that they are too young for any vaccine. That's not only neglect of both an elder and two children, but also child endangerment, elder endangerment, and exploitation for free childcare from a disabled/retired elderly person who is 86 years old!

But in all honesty, the other niece (my mom's granddaughter) does care for my mom, and she is vaccinated, so it's still better care than if my mom were in a nursing home (it's much worse care with unvaccinated and underpaid caregivers who don't socially distance off the job and who don't always wear masks properly on the job). So now it is the best of two evils, with hopefully at least one vaccinated family member who would report or stand up for her own grandmother if she sees abuse. It's just a full house with a lot of selfish people.

So I can totally understand your struggles and pain.

The difference is my mom has a ton of people in her life, and I'm estranged from them - save my occasional phone calls with my mother. So there's little I can do other than report, but I can't do that now during a pandemic. I wouldn't.

As for your parents, however, they might have alternative options if they are high-functioning and own or rent the home they live in now. A social worker or other authority could kick your leeching brother out and provide your parents with at least a caregiver who could check up on them every day or every few days. If they are in need of more care than that, there might be other options as well, to avoid nursing homes.

You could also have an attorney assist with agreements to protect your parents from signing over any Living Will agreements to your brother. Sometimes Victim's Advocates can assist with that.
SprinkL3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
bpforever1
bpforever1
Magnate
 
bpforever1's Avatar
bpforever1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: earth
Posts: 2,063
5 yr Member
1,598 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 13, 2021 at 12:03 AM
  #7
Thank you all who replied! I really appreciate it. I don't have any proof that my brother is abusing or neglecting my parents. They allow him to live with them and are depending on him for little things. They are not happy about his situation either. But, they know where to go for help if necessary. They called the police on me while I was psychotic, I was handcuffed and sent to the hospital. So, they know the necessary avenues to get help for themselves if they want to. They can call the police on him if necessary also. Or, they can ask around for help. They are not stupid and not so disabled. My father is still working and my mother is still actively driving around and doing chores. I've decided to let them be and do what they want. Although my brother seems to be taking advantage of them, they are allowing him to do so. I can't help them if they feel this way. I also have my own problems here. I am too far away to do anything for them. I feel bad about the situation. However, I've decided to live for myself and let them do as they please.
bpforever1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Open Eyes, SprinkL3
 
Thanks for this!
Open Eyes, SprinkL3
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 13, 2021 at 04:44 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by bpforever1 View Post
Thank you all who replied! I really appreciate it. I don't have any proof that my brother is abusing or neglecting my parents. They allow him to live with them and are depending on him for little things. They are not happy about his situation either. But, they know where to go for help if necessary. They called the police on me while I was psychotic, I was handcuffed and sent to the hospital. So, they know the necessary avenues to get help for themselves if they want to. They can call the police on him if necessary also. Or, they can ask around for help. They are not stupid and not so disabled. My father is still working and my mother is still actively driving around and doing chores. I've decided to let them be and do what they want. Although my brother seems to be taking advantage of them, they are allowing him to do so. I can't help them if they feel this way. I also have my own problems here. I am too far away to do anything for them. I feel bad about the situation. However, I've decided to live for myself and let them do as they please.
I wanted to jump in and say that unfortunately unless you decide to take the reigns yourself and insert yourself into their daily lives its just going to stay the same or get worse. Im not saying you are required to uproot your whole life and care for them I am just saying that no matter what you say or do, if you arent there it will fall on deaf ears.

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SprinkL3
 
Thanks for this!
bpforever1, SprinkL3
bpforever1
Magnate
 
bpforever1's Avatar
bpforever1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: earth
Posts: 2,063
5 yr Member
1,598 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 15, 2021 at 05:06 AM
  #9
I actually live in another country to escape from the madhouse of my family. I am doing well now. I just talked to my mother and she is doing a little better. Unfortunately, she is mentally ill also and can't keep her paranoia and delusions to herself. So, my family is having a hard time dealing with it on top of everything else. I tried my best while I was there to help her with the housework. But, she felt I was trying to replace her and was threatened by my help. So, I can't win with her although I love her. I think my brother is trying to get her into a nursing home. My mother does not want this. I think she has a right to be where she is now. However, I don't think she can live by herself for long since she is too sick. Also, my father is physically weak but not mentally. I hope he hangs in there and does his best. My brother is still loafing around and although he does help my dad, he can't keep up with him. My brother has always taken the easy route in life, and it cost him. He has no friends, no family of his own, and nowhere to go now. I love him although he is lazy. He used to be really nice as a child. But, other people always hurt him, then he turned mean. I feel for him. I don't want him to be homeless. I will let him be. If anything, he tried to be loved by others. But, he realizes that my parents love him the most so he hangs onto them. I understand him to some extent. I am hoping he finds some meaning in his life one day. In the meantime, I will work here and make the most out of my situation. I need to really help myself first before I can help others. And, I am in no position to help anybody since I'm having a heck of a time just taking care of myself. I love my parents dearly and talk to them daily. I know my father and mother will be ok for now. My mother is sick and has always been sick. I wanted her to come live with me but realize she loves my dad and wants to be with him until the end.
bpforever1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SprinkL3
 
Thanks for this!
SprinkL3
SprinkL3
Account Suspended
SprinkL3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2021
Location: DELETED
Posts: 2,752 (SuperPoster!)
2 yr Member
10.9k hugs
given
Heart Nov 15, 2021 at 05:15 AM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by bpforever1 View Post
I actually live in another country to escape from the madhouse of my family. I am doing well now. I just talked to my mother and she is doing a little better. Unfortunately, she is mentally ill also and can't keep her paranoia and delusions to herself. So, my family is having a hard time dealing with it on top of everything else. I tried my best while I was there to help her with the housework. But, she felt I was trying to replace her and was threatened by my help. So, I can't win with her although I love her. I think my brother is trying to get her into a nursing home. My mother does not want this. I think she has a right to be where she is now. However, I don't think she can live by herself for long since she is too sick. Also, my father is physically weak but not mentally. I hope he hangs in there and does his best. My brother is still loafing around and although he does help my dad, he can't keep up with him. My brother has always taken the easy route in life, and it cost him. He has no friends, no family of his own, and nowhere to go now. I love him although he is lazy. He used to be really nice as a child. But, other people always hurt him, then he turned mean. I feel for him. I don't want him to be homeless. I will let him be. If anything, he tried to be loved by others. But, he realizes that my parents love him the most so he hangs onto them. I understand him to some extent. I am hoping he finds some meaning in his life one day. In the meantime, I will work here and make the most out of my situation. I need to really help myself first before I can help others. And, I am in no position to help anybody since I'm having a heck of a time just taking care of myself. I love my parents dearly and talk to them daily. I know my father and mother will be ok for now. My mother is sick and has always been sick. I wanted her to come live with me but realize she loves my dad and wants to be with him until the end.
Can your parents afford a visiting nurse or other caregiver at least once a week? Will any insurance cover that? If they want to be together, and your brother is their "caregiver," he could also ask for respite (another caregiver to help out so that your brother can take a break).

If it gets really bad, a nursing home might be the only option for both of your parents, if they are wanting to stay together until the end. I'm sure that there are facilities that accept couples (should they both qualify).

It must be hard for you to be in a different country. I assumed you were in the U.S. I don't blame you wanting to take care of you.

I once considered taking care of my mom, but then I realized that I have enough of my plate with my own disabilities and no one in my family who would help me at all should anything happen to me. So I couldn't be responsible for anyone else. As it is, I had to place my own daughter for adoption because of my dissociation and CPTSD (and not having any other resources to help).

Thankfully, my sister took care of my mom for a while, until she turned abusive. Now my sister's daughter is caring for my mom (which is her grandmother). My sister also moved in with them recently, so I'm assuming that they're all pitching in. But my mom is very active and self-sufficient. At 86, she's doing pretty good. I call her every couple of weeks to check in.

I hope your parents are able to get the help they need. Also, I hope your brother is able to have some sort of epiphany one day and find what he needs in life, too. If he's not abusive to your parents (with money or emotion stuff), then maybe he is struggling with some things of his own. He might be "mean" for a reason - perhaps undiagnosed mental illness or lost dreams or something. It's sad if he doesn't have any friends or anything. Maybe he could find an online group to help him???
SprinkL3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
bpforever1
 
Thanks for this!
bpforever1
bpforever1
Magnate
 
bpforever1's Avatar
bpforever1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: earth
Posts: 2,063
5 yr Member
1,598 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 15, 2021 at 06:45 AM
  #11
I'm really in no position to tell them what to do since I am dealing with my own illness. I think they are maintaining the house and my mom is still doing the chores around the house. Thus, they are doing ok, I believe. My mother and father are in their late 80s and doing quite well given their circumstances. I can't really complain. My brother's situation has been this way for the past 10 years. Nothing is going to change for him. I really don't want to hurt him in any way. My mother is still feisty enough to argue and shout. However, it may be she is becoming mildly demented. I don't know. She talks to me daily about past wrongs that were done to her. She keeps repeating the same stories. I know she is bitter about her life at times. But, she has always been like this. I will worry about her when she stops being so combative. Then, I know she has given up on life itself. My father is a trooper and still working at his ripe old age. I'm proud of him and hope he continues to be productive until he wants to retire or drop dead. I have a really messed-up family. But, we are all we have. So, I will let them do as they please until the bloody end.
bpforever1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SprinkL3
 
Thanks for this!
SprinkL3
poshgirl
Veteran Member
poshgirl has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 603
5 yr Member
229 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 15, 2021 at 09:04 AM
  #12
bpforever1, you've obviously realised that your own health is very important. In other words, putting yourself first. As I've learned recently, there are times when we have to step back to safeguard ourselves.

Your brother sounds like so many who have excellent learning ability/ academically gifted but are unable to put this to practical use. Yes, some don't want to, others are incapable of linking this to things like getting a job or doing housework.

Your mother sounds like mine. Main topic of conversation is everyone who's done her wrong. Feisty is a good description. Even so, it becomes tiring when the subject matter never changes and in my case, are criticised for not listening/not caring. I think as we get older, we realise just how disfunctional our families are. We're not alone!
poshgirl is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
bpforever1, SprinkL3
 
Thanks for this!
bpforever1, SprinkL3
bpforever1
Magnate
 
bpforever1's Avatar
bpforever1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: earth
Posts: 2,063
5 yr Member
1,598 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 16, 2021 at 12:31 AM
  #13
Poshgirl, thank you so much for your reply. I feel so much support and feel a whole lot better. I am trying to do my best to survive and also be good to my family by not hurting them in any way. I love all of them despite their flaws and idiosyncrasies. They are my family. I love my brother and wish he could have been more productive, but I understand he can't translate his academic successes into practical work. I will do my best to manage on my own until I am no longer able to do so.:
bpforever1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SprinkL3
 
Thanks for this!
SprinkL3
bpforever1
Magnate
 
bpforever1's Avatar
bpforever1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: earth
Posts: 2,063
5 yr Member
1,598 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 24, 2021 at 09:26 PM
  #14
My brother is neglecting my parents I found out. My mother is incapable of taking care of herself and my father is at his limit and really should not work anymore. I've given my brother a month to change the situation. I will call the police to check on my parents. My mother is not talking to me anymore. My father is working himself to the bone. My brother won't let me talk to them that much anymore. He still is unvaccinated and not seeking a job. I will see if he changes the situation in a month. If not, I have no choice but to call the police.
bpforever1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SprinkL3
bpforever1
Magnate
 
bpforever1's Avatar
bpforever1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: earth
Posts: 2,063
5 yr Member
1,598 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 24, 2021 at 09:56 PM
  #15
Thank you SprinkL3 for the hotline and information. I really appreciate it and will contact them if my brother has not changed the situation. I feel really bad. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I am spending it alone. I feel sad. I just hope my parents have some peace of mind.
bpforever1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SprinkL3
 
Thanks for this!
SprinkL3
SprinkL3
Account Suspended
SprinkL3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2021
Location: DELETED
Posts: 2,752 (SuperPoster!)
2 yr Member
10.9k hugs
given
Default Nov 25, 2021 at 02:37 AM
  #16
@bpforever1 - I am so sorry. I was truly hoping and praying that your brother would change by now at least. Him being unvaccinated put your parents at risk of severe disease or death (for anything really, including both Covid-19 and influenza complications). But stress and isolation will also shorten the elderly's lifespan, according to statistics and geriatric research. Johns Hopkins has some great resources for the aging. I almost wanted to study that, but then I found myself lacking the skills I need for that particular field. I love the field though, and how they try to keep the elderly healthy and happy.

If your brother is isolating your parents from you or other sources of social support, he is endangering them as well. The CDC mentions here how loneliness and isolation increase serious health conditions for older persons. This is why it is so important that the elderly remain safely (emphasis on safely) connected with their loved ones - especially with health issues, end-of-life issues, and nursing home issues. The best scenario is for the elderly to live with a trustworthy and safe relative, as opposed to congregate housing, nursing homes, etc. Although it may be stressful for caregivers who lack respite and support, it also adds a level of filial cohesion, love, community, and longevity of life - perhaps for both the elderly and their younger caregiving family members.

Your brother is being really selfish.

But the problem is, what will happen to your parents if he's no longer allowed to be their caregiver? Will your parents wind up in a nursing home? Depending on the nursing home, it could be a better situation or a worse one. There are also independent alternatives for elderly couples and individuals, but those tend to cost a pretty penny. If your parents have any savings left at all, and I'm talking a few hundred thousand dollars, there are co-op luxury-like living situations for the elderly. I know of one in Chicago, but you have to "buy in" to their program, which covers everything from active elderly couples to end-of-life care. They seem to be one of the best, but most of the people there are rich professionals (not mega rich, but upper middle class for sure). They would buy in with a minimum of $300,000 - but this was back in 2016 or so. Who knows how much their costs are now, given this pandemic and the costs for maintaining air quality as well as safety protocols for their entire establishment. I'm sure there are others in the country, but their costs may also vary.

If your parents have any well-to-do friends, they could also consider doing a private co-op with them. They could only engage in their "pod" that is vaccinated, and only hire nurses that will cover all the elderly couples and individuals in their co-op. They typically purchase a huge house and share the resources on hiring one nurse for all of them. That cuts down home nurse costs by thousands!

There are many alternatives that your parents can look into.

SprinkL3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
bpforever1
Magnate
 
bpforever1's Avatar
bpforever1 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: earth
Posts: 2,063
5 yr Member
1,598 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 25, 2021 at 10:00 AM
  #17
My mother talked to me and she made me mad. She said we can't trust anybody. Here we go again, I thought She does not want me to work. Wtf! She can't come here and she is telling me to starve. That is enough! I blocked them on my social media app. I think my brother is going nutty listening to her paranoid talk. So, I no longer care about them and must carry on. My father is working to the bone and my mother is doing nothing but spewing venom all over the place. I think she is driving my family insane. I don't want to listen to her nonsense. She never worked most of her life and does not know the meaning of work. I had enough of her venom. She should see a doctor but won't. That is her problem. I can't survive here without taking another job. She can go to her grave spewing venom. She may die but truthfully, I can no longer worry about her anymore. I had enough of her. I think she is demented. I don't think they- my parents will come here anymore. Thank goodness.
bpforever1 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
SprinkL3
SprinkL3
Account Suspended
SprinkL3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2021
Location: DELETED
Posts: 2,752 (SuperPoster!)
2 yr Member
10.9k hugs
given
Heart Nov 25, 2021 at 07:08 PM
  #18
@bpforever1

I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother. I'm also sorry to hear about your continued worries for your parents and your leech of a brother. It's hard when you care about your family, but they remain unhealthy and refuse help. Sometimes nursing homes would be best for that, but only the really good kinds that mandate vaccines for all staff (including the janitors, visiting nurses, doctors, front desk clerks, etc.) as well as all patients (unvaccinated patients would probably need to be separated in a different facility, so as to reduce the spread to the vaccinated patients). That would be ideal for your mother, considering that she might be dealing with a mental illness and can no longer make healthy choices for herself. And that would be way too much burden for any family member!

As far as your father, if he and your brother (his son) are okay or at least somewhat self-sufficient, then maybe putting only your mother in a nursing home would help every family member. Your vaccinated father (but not your unvaccinated brother) should be the only one allowed to see your mother in a good facility where most or all people there are vaccinated. That would be the safest and healthiest bet for longevity for her, as well as for your father (insofar that stress reduction will help).

Your brother really should get vaccinated to care for your dad and your mom though. He's putting them at risk, and hopefully not purposely.

You can't control what your brother does, nor can you control what your parents do. You can offer healthy suggestions and tips, but if they are unwilling to listen, then you can simply set boundaries with them all. It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing/black-and-white decision either. You can still maintain some contact, but you can limit your amount of time with listening to their venting when they offer no solutions to help themselves or even accept any solutions you offer. It's not fair to you to worry through their endless spewing of venting when you have enough empathy to feel their pain and suffering while feeling helpless. All of that stuff might bring up trauma triggers from childhood and beyond, which isn't fair to your own mental health.

So, boundaries (not walls) will help you to deal in this particular situation. They are somewhat "toxic," but there might be a way for you to remain connected and informed - so that you let them be aware that you still care, that you're limited on what you can do, and that you yourself have health issues that prevents you from being able to help them in the way that they need to be helped.

Perhaps you can cut off the phone for a while - like limit it to emergencies only and once-per-week phone chats (on a day of the week when you can mentally prepare, but not before bedtime or first thing in the morning), and then converse the rest of the time with letters mailed to them or emails even - so that they can read your suggestions on paper. Perhaps you could even find companies online with nursing home suggestions that you can fill out with their information, so that they can start receiving mailers to their house. You can set them up with that with or without letting them know that you did that for them, which could complement your letters and your verbal suggestions for them.

You can also fill out information to send to them about the importance of vaccination and other safety precautions, and perhaps target anyone in your family who remains unvaccinated. The world is becoming more and more vaccinated, so it is now taboo for the unvaccinated - as many businesses, companies, jobs, and careers are beginning to require mandated vaccines (flu and Covid-19), as well as the typical TB tests for certain venues. Spreading more awareness through mailers that you fill out online for them is a really proactive way you could set boundaries without having to argue directly with them. You're simply offering mailers to help them make decisions. If they toss it in the trash in the same manner that they toss your decisions in the trash, then you don't have to worry or see it or even hear about it. It would be up to them to call and have those mailers stopped, which will mean that they'd be speaking to people who are likely going to remind them of the importance of health, vaccinations, nursing home options for those with dementia or other illnesses, etc. Perhaps your father could take over and start setting boundaries with both his son (your brother) and his wife (your mother). Perhaps your father could be one to really convince with mailers, phone calls, etc.

But what can you do now to help you feel more in control, more calm, more collected, less black-and-white/all-or-nothing, more grounded?

What can you do today to distract from that stress and tension and focus on the good things - like your friends who care about you - in real life and on these forums?


SprinkL3 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:17 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.