Frequently apologizing for unnecessary and trivial things

Photonate · Nov 13, 2021 at 12:37 PM

Hello. I'm just wondering what it is called when someone, specifically in this case a romantic partner, very commonly apologizes for trivial, unnecessary (quite blunt/frankly stupid and/or petty) things, like looking at you the wrong way, or accidentally touching you, or asking you to do the simplest tiniest little favors.

I feel like it's kind of manipulative, or I don't know if that would be considered a guilt trip of any kind, and like they're trying to make it seem like you're a bad, mean person, because (they think) you have a problem and are upset by them just looking at or touching you, or asking you to reach over 2 feet to grab and hand them their drink on the table or something.

Those are just the few examples I can think of, so hopefully they give the idea that I'm trying to illustrate and what I mean.

mote.of.soul · Nov 13, 2021 at 01:34 PM

I'm just guessing, but it could be associated with the 'people pleasing' mindset of not wishing to annoy or upset the person all the time - which is kinda ironic really.

Rive. · Nov 14, 2021 at 09:28 AM

Some people are conditioned into apologising for their very existence (e.g. from childhood or with significant partners). Maybe it is a hang-up of theirs or stems from painful experiences about how they learnt to survive and/or be accepted by others.

So, I would not be so quick to judge them as 'manipulative'.

Photonate · Nov 15, 2021 at 01:31 PM

I guess I just feel like my partner does it to make it out like I'm some mean, angry person, who has a problem/gets mad at any/every little unnecessary and trivial thing, when I don't.

Like, with the examples I gave, (not the only instances just ones I can think of currently to give a better idea of what I mean) she'll just simply look at me and then apologize, or if she accidentally slightly touches me, or asks/says something after I reply she'll apologize, when I never even give her reason to think that I'm upset or bothered or anything by whatever she does that she apologizes for.

And to take it even farther, I specifically have, and continue to tell her every time that I'm not upset or bothered with or have any problem with whatever it is she says sorry for right after, so she knows that I don't have a problem with it.

RoxanneToto · Nov 15, 2021 at 02:17 PM

Have you asked her why, and explained how it makes you feel? She might not realise it bothers you. It can become aggravating no matter the reason someone does it - we apologise for silly things all the time at work (it bothers me that I do it so often, I’m not sure how my colleagues feel).

sarahsweets · Nov 21, 2021 at 04:06 AM

Yes @Rive. You said what I was thinking. My traumas caused me to apologize for everything for YEARS. If I was mistreated by someone it must be my fault so I apologize. Accepting abuse causes us to take on the responsibility of being abused and totally lets the asshole abusing or mistreating you off the hook. I dont think I have even heard of a form of manipulation using apologies to get what they need or want.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive.

Some people are conditioned into apologising for their very existence (e.g. from childhood or with significant partners). Maybe it is a hang-up of theirs or stems from painful experiences about how they learnt to survive and/or be accepted by others.

So, I would not be so quick to judge them as 'manipulative'.

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Frequently apologizing for unnecessary and trivial things

My Support Forums

mote.of.soul Legendary Member Since Jan 2018 Location: New Zealand Posts: 13,126 (SuperPoster!) 6 21.9k hugs given	Nov 13, 2021 at 01:34 PM #2 I'm just guessing, but it could be associated with the 'people pleasing' mindset of not wishing to annoy or upset the person all the time - which is kinda ironic really. __________________ "A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it."- Dōgen
	Reply With Quote

Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,014 10	Nov 14, 2021 at 09:28 AM #3 Some people are conditioned into apologising for their very existence (e.g. from childhood or with significant partners). Maybe it is a hang-up of theirs or stems from painful experiences about how they learnt to survive and/or be accepted by others. So, I would not be so quick to judge them as 'manipulative'.
	Reply With Quote

RoxanneToto Grand Poohbah Member Since Aug 2020 Location: England Posts: 1,692 3 6,991 hugs given	Nov 15, 2021 at 02:17 PM #5 Have you asked her why, and explained how it makes you feel? She might not realise it bothers you. It can become aggravating no matter the reason someone does it - we apologise for silly things all the time at work (it bothers me that I do it so often, I’m not sure how my colleagues feel).
	Reply With Quote