67 year old mother is an alcoholic

Hello everyone. I'm in a difficult place with my mother. She is 67 years old and is addicted to alcohol. She lives alone. For the past year she has had falls where she has gotten hurt and required an ambulance. I have been the one calling all the ambulances, picking her up from the ER in the middle of the night, cleaning up her messes, picking her up off the floor. I also put her into medical detox for a week, that didn't fix it. She refuses to go to counseling. Half the time when I calmly confront her about what happened she denies everything or says she does not remember. I have thought about putting her into assisted living, cause she won't be able to drink there, but I think she'd just walk out and leave. She has done that twice to me when I have taken her to the ER, she walked out and left saying she does not have a problem. I don't know what to do with her. She gets angry with me whenever I try to talk about it with her. And I know I may come off as selfish for saying this, but I have a family with 2 kids that I'm responsible for and constantly getting middle of the night phone calls, cleaning up messes, calling ambulances, etc...wears on me and my family. I told her once that if she calls me I won't come, but I don't have the heart to truly go through with that. I'm very angry at her. I can't get her declared incompetent because she technically is not.

Make her get a button for if she falls and cant get up?

My heart goes out to you, she sounds so exceedingly difficult right now.



I don't think you come off as selfish at all.

I wonder if you might be able to find an elder care agency in your area, where you could sit down with an experienced social worker and discuss the situation (with or without your mother) and what your and her options might be.

Being in assisted living does not mean a person cannot drink. And you can't "put" a person in assisted living.

I like Una's idea of getting her a call button to wear. Tell her you are not going to respond to "emergency" calls anymore. She can press the button and get help that way.

It sounds like she does not admit her drinking is a problem. Sadly there is not a way to force someone to stop drinking.

Hey @lovethesun

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovethesun Hello everyone. I'm in a difficult place with my mother. She is 67 years old and is addicted to alcohol. She lives alone. For the past year she has had falls where she has gotten hurt and required an ambulance. I have been the one calling all the ambulances, picking her up from the ER in the middle of the night, cleaning up her messes, picking her up off the floor. I also put her into medical detox for a week, that didn't fix it. She refuses to go to counseling. Half the time when I calmly confront her about what happened she denies everything or says she does not remember. I have thought about putting her into assisted living, cause she won't be able to drink there, but I think she'd just walk out and leave. She has done that twice to me when I have taken her to the ER, she walked out and left saying she does not have a problem. I don't know what to do with her. She gets angry with me whenever I try to talk about it with her. And I know I may come off as selfish for saying this, but I have a family with 2 kids that I'm responsible for and constantly getting middle of the night phone calls, cleaning up messes, calling ambulances, etc...wears on me and my family. I told her once that if she calls me I won't come, but I don't have the heart to truly go through with that. I'm very angry at her. I can't get her declared incompetent because she technically is not.

I am sorry but I have to be blunt here: and this is coming from an alcoholic who's been sober for almost a decade. You ever hear about parents having to learn to dole out "tough love" to their addicted child? They keep hoping that each wound, each disappointment, each 'episode' will be rock bottom. They attempt to set boundaries and those are ignored, they try to raise the bottom in hopes that the child will see the light and go for treatment.
The parents need to reach an epiphany and firmly set boundaries and actively decide to NOT tolerate any of the nonsense.

You have to do the same. You are NOT responsible for her, her actions, her finances or managing her life. NO WAY. She bears responsibility in this. She wont go to treatment or stay there. Once you go through detox you need to step down to php or iop. A week doesnt fix an addiction.
If she calls you because she fell call 911 and give them her address and any info and tell your mom they are on the way and to call one she gets to the er. If she needs a ride because shes drunk, do not do it. No.
I know above you said you do not have the heart to follow through. Does she see your kids? Would you ever let a stranger or friend be around your kids if they acted like your mother? Would you tolerate abuse from people? So why tolerate it from your mom?

It is her job to take care of her health, mind, body and soul. We can only control our own actions.
We teach other people how we want to be treated. By you allowing her to over and over again take advantage of you or blow through your boundaries she has learned you dont really mean what you say and that if she just acts up enough you will give in.
Do you see a therapist? Would you consider Al-anon which is a support group for families of the addict?

If you dont change your behavior she will never change. Why should she? If there are no consequences she has no reason to fear or change.

Awesome post Sarah!

You are in a very difficult situation with no easy or great solution. I see from another thread that you are not your mother's only child. Your siblings have as much a responsibility to be involved as you have. Perhaps you live closer to Mom than they do. That does not let them off the hook. They ought to show up and let their mother know that they are concerned. They should be very grateful to you that you have been so responsive to these emergencies involving their mother. My guess is that they probably have not been. It's very unfair to you. Typically, in families, one adult child takes the lion's share of the responsibility. It can wear you out.

A family intervention might be in order. That would involve all your mother's children sitting down with her at the same time to express their concern and urge her to participate in longterm treatment. (Even if they have to travel a long distance to do this.) Your siblings should express to your mother that she is being unfair to you. That may not get your mom to see the light, but it's apt to make a bigger impression than you dealing with this all alone. I agree that an emergency call button would be a very good idea. Your siblings should be checking in with Mom regularly, to lift a little of the weight off of you. Do they provide some attention to her? Loneliness sometimes is a factor driving alcohol abuse.