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Default Nov 21, 2021 at 07:37 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by SmilesGirl View Post
Dear Woven Galaxy,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and considered response. This is the advice I was really searching for when I made my post. I keep rereading it and it gives me strength as I decide how to proceed. And make a safe plan. It’s helpful to hear that my reasons for staying are not so unique and should not be weighed so heavily in the decision.
Thank you.
You are so welcome.
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Unhappy Nov 28, 2021 at 11:52 PM
  #22
Update:

Hey, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all the incredible emotional support I have received. It’s so truly appreciated If you have any more to spare, I could use a little more love.

Tl;dr: Unfortunately, it has gotten even worse. I am working to leave.

I went to visit him for thanksgiving and it went very badly. I changed my flight to leave from the city of my school to instead leave from my Moms city and return there so I could drive down and visit her for a day before thanksgiving. He had paid for the flight and I called to change it. It was the same price so no difference there. I changed the flight notifications to my email and instructed them not to send any other confirmation to anyone else! And they assured me they had changed it. But it appears the flight attendant did not change the notification phone number for me.

I drove down to my mothers and then left thanksgiving day to visit him in Boston. He called when I landed and asked if I had arrived, all happy and excited! I said yes and can’t wait to catch up. He pulled up and I got in the car. He was nice and smiling and asked if my flight was good, I said yes. But then as soon as we pulled away from the airport, he went berserk. He started yelling at me that he got a text stating that my flight had left from my mothers city not my schools city. And he yelled that I was a dumb, lying piece of *****, thinking I could fool him. He said I shouldn’t be using his money to visit my parents, who he hates. I explained that I didn’t use his money at all! I drove there and then only used his money to visit him! He would not accept that and just went nuts. I was so, so scared. I definitely should not have tried to hide this from him. It was dishonest and inconsiderate of me, also stupid given the situation. But I think his reaction was way out of control.

He yelled at me that I need to reimburse him the $460 for the flight. As soon as we got to his house, he grabbed my phone and attempted to Venmo himself from my Venmo app, the $460. I am a student and do not have that amount in my checking account so it declined. He tried my other debit card and it too was declined. He then went crazy trying any number amount from $300 down to $100. He then grabbed my wallet from my bag, and added my credit card. I had just requested a new credit card so I told him the old card wouldn’t work. He didn’t believe me so he tried that one too, which also didn’t work. I was starting to cry and begging him to calm down. He was livid.

He then demanded I treat him to brunch to make it up to him. I told him, I couldnt afford much because I don’t have a lot left in my checking account. I’m a student and I keep most of my loan money in a savings account, with occasional transfers. He took me to a place for brunch, and seemed to be calmer so I was hoping the situation would improve. But it definitely did not! He ordered two drinks, an appetizer, two entrees, and dessert off the menu. And then decided for me to leave a huge $20 tip. He then told me to pay. I tried to but both my debit cards got declined, because the banks had placed a hold on them due to his recent, crazy erratic Venmo attempts to send huge amounts of money in a city in which I don’t usually live. So I couldn’t pay! He said I better call the banks and figure this out. Then he left! It was Thanksgiving morning and he left me there to go get a coffee at Starbucks! I started to cry and I was full on bawling for a half hour, stuck there with the check that I couldn’t pay.

I called the customer service numbers for both but they were closed as it was Thanksgiving! I just sat there and cried. It was so, so terrible. People were staring and it was just horrible. He eventually came back and I told him again that I couldn’t pay. He said lots of mean things about how pathetic I am. Then he took my phone and called both my parents to try to force them to give me money to pay the bill. Luckily neither picked up as they were cooking or traveling for dinner plans. He then yelled at me that my family sucks and that he is all I have. He deleted both parents contact information from my phone and yelled at me that my entire family is *****. He then finally paid the bill with his card and demanded that I pay him the $110 in exactly a week after I transfer money. We sat there for another 15 minutes because I couldn’t stop crying. He kept saying “relax, smiles girl. Relax.” But I just could not stop crying. I was so psychologically traumatized. Even just remembering it now makes me cry. He also said multiple times: “I’m sorry that your parents are making you cry.”

We then left the restaurant and literally three women stepped in front of me to ask me if I was okay. I think they had been watching me cry for the last hour. It was so humiliating and heartbreaking. This very kind middle aged lady grabbed my arm and asked me to please join her and her husband for lunch, saying they would love to have me. When I said I had to leave, she told me “any man who makes you cry isn’t worth two cents!!” And she is so right. I nodded and followed him, as all my belongings are at his place and I am also terrified that he will blackmail me as he has already threatened many times.

We walked around a bit after that and he told me that I am a crappy person and a bad liar and he sees right through my crap. I was too scared to say anything. He decided that he wants me to sign a prenup stating that I will only talk to my parents once a month on the phone or he will “divorce me and leave me with nothing”. And that he will be “installing cameras all over the house to make sure your family never sets foot in it”. It was absolutely batsh*t crazy. At this point, I realized there was absolutely no saving this disaster and I just nodded until I could get out of the situation.

He then demanded that I pay him back for previous purchased flights for weekends I had canceled on him, about $400-500. I said fine, that’s fair. I had canceled on these plans when we were fighting and I didn’t feel comfortable visiting. I guess that’s why he now waits until I’m in his car to start a fight. Not over the phone before I got on the plane anymore. He also wants me to pay for the flights this upcoming January and February to make amends. He then reminded me that if we break up, he wants me to pay him $3000 for other previous flight purchases or he will send emails to my school, about my “lying ways and character unworthy of being a physician “. He said that if I don’t pay him back what he is due, then I am a “huge liability to future patients and don’t deserve to be a doctor and he will make sure everyone knows that”. It was so, so scary. I decided I would try to stick out the remaining time, then get the heck out and try to find a lawyer to help defend me against his wrath.

We went back to his house and his attitude completely changed. He started getting out ingredients for us to make our thanksgiving dinner and things improved. He said at dinner that he was “thankful for having wonderful parents who taught him to be such a good person”. The next day, he had planned a lot of fun activities for us, a winter lights show, movie, etc. And the next day we went to see a concert, got brunch somewhere else, and he bought me a Settlers of Catan board game as a present, something that I had wanted for a long time. It was nice and clearly very thoughtful. It was almost like old times, almost. But I couldn’t appreciate anything because I was still too scared. Every smile was fake and I watched him nonstop, knowing he could snap at any time.

The next day we got into a stupid argument. He asked me how many cavities I had, when I went to the dentists last week? I told him I would rather not say, as it’s an awkward conversation. He has not had any cavities and is very proud of this accomplishment. He got angry I wouldn’t answer and said that I’ve changed and he doesn’t like this “new” smiles girl, claiming that my parents had changed me. I apologized and tried to appease him. It was so weird. His humor improved and we enjoyed a really nice evening making dinner together like we used to. He then told me that he had changed my return flights destination to my school city. Essentially, leaving my car in my moms city! So I would now have no car which I need to drive to school and clinic each day! I’m a medical student and I really need my car!! I was stunned. But there was no arguing with him so I just booked another flight with a travel credit back to my moms city to get my car. And I still have to pay him back for the previous flight that I’m not even using the return trip on! It’s absurd. He makes at least $15,000 each month, about $300,000 per year but for some reason he is trying to wheedle so much money from a med student living on $18,000 a YEAR in student loan money!!

He spent the rest of the last day telling me how excited he is for our Christmas break plans together. I don’t understand him at all. He must be f*cking nuts to think I will ever go back to his place!!! It was like being in an alternate reality of complete delusion. I am just so thankful I made it out safely and will be back with my mom soon. I don’t know how I got myself into such a terrible situation but I am definitely fighting to get out. I’m going to call up lawyers tomorrow and get advice on leaving in a safe way. It breaks my heart that he planned so many sweet and thoughtful things for our weekend together but then just exploded and ruined every inch of our relationship. It’s so sad. But I am now 100% out. Maybe this was the push I needed to move. I think I will probably have to pay him at least $1000 to get away cleanly but who knows, maybe even more. My priority is to stop him from sending more vindictive emails to my work or my medical school or the licensing board. I’m just so, so scared. It’s terrifying to have such a powerful and ruthless man after you. I really hope I can find a helpful lawyer.

If you made it all the way through this, I’m sorry to take up so much of your time. Please keep me in your prayers.

Last edited by SmilesGirl; Nov 29, 2021 at 12:10 AM..
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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 01:42 AM
  #23
((((((((SmilesGirl))))))))



Quote:
He must be f*cking nuts to think I will ever go back to his place!!!
With all of my heart, I urge you to follow through on never being with him again.

Your life could well depend on it.

In addition to a lawyer, you might find knowledgeable help and support from a feminist/women's resource center.

A lawyer will give you legal advice. But remember that blackmail is a crime. Letters from an angry ex-partner look un-credible. His career may on the line if his anger and the way he treats you becomes public, especially his efforts at blackmail.

Every harsh word he ever said to you, every single one, was abusive and untrue.



Have you been getting useful assistance from BetterHelp, which you mentioned previously? I think a good therapist could be really valuable for you right now.

Be sure to show/send your posts on this site to your lawyer. As well as any other writing/journaling, especially contemporaneous, that you may have.

I'm very sorry that you have to deal with this immense burden and pain while also carrying on as a medical student. Surround yourself with those who support you unconditionally, and never go near him again.
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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 03:05 AM
  #24
Hey @SmilesGirl there is so much to unpack in your most recent post about thanksgiving. Since its a ldr thing, report his behavior to the police- his in his town if need be. Get a notebook and start backtracking an write everything you can remember about his behavior. Write down the illegal stuff like threatening you with blackmail, illegally attempting to access your bank accounts and credit cards. Changing your travel details. So what if he demands for you to pay him back?? Tell him to F off and take you to court. He wont win and its not worth his time. If it gets bad enough where you need an immediate "threat" or way to send him a warning... tell him you are done. Block him everywhere. Every internet thing, phone, etc. Block him from your parents. Find someone tech savy and make sure there is no spyware on your phone or laptop. Spyware is surprisingly cheap and not illegal. Most of them are able t GPS you, see all your messages, emails, keystrokes etc.

Report him to HR at your place...and report him to the appropriate dept at his job. At least if your work knows he is abusive and unstable they wont hold it against you as if you are tolerating it. Reporting him to his employer AND the medical board is a must. Right now he has no consequences and that would be one. You need a new phone number and a ring camera for outside your place and a smart cam inside. (a company called wyze makes them super cheap because ring is expensive).
You need to treat him like a sociopath ex. Assume he wants to kill you and live accordingly.

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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 04:47 AM
  #25
Get police and lawyers involved. ASAP. Don’t pay him any money. Unless you sign a promissory note that you’ll pay him, it’s all a gift and you owe him nothing. Change your phone number and lawyer up. Make a police report about him going into your Venmo snd sending himself money from your account

Focus on your safety. Please never ever see him again
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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 06:12 AM
  #26
SmilesGirl

You have no need to worry about support, you have it 1000%!

Please follow through with the advice given and listen to your instinct. Writing everything down is very important. Protect yourself in every way you can, not just personally but with any tech you use and people you talk to. When you're out, be situationally aware in case he's engaged a private investigator.

Sorry if you've already said this, but do your parents know exactly what he is like and his view of them? Wonder how his parents would react if they knew. Surely they can't condone this behaviour, even if he is their son.

He needs a massive wake up call and unfortunately it's fallen to you to action it.

Not making light of your situation but this reminds me of the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy". Please don't get to the stage where you have to take the same drastic action. There are so many support services available to you. Start using them immediately before he gets the chance to spread evil lies about you. He's obviously not considered how all this could affect his career; not as smart as he likes to think he is!

Please take care and stand firm. You've done nothing wrong. Please check in with us as often as you can, just so that we know you're okay
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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 06:42 AM
  #27
Wow. I am still in shock from your latest post. I am glad you were able to get yourself out of there safely.

I am particularly worried that he will come to your school/clinic or home and try to cause you problems. You have gotten some good advice here already about preventing that. I hope that you can get in touch with a support organization for victims of domestic abuse that will be help you to take additional steps to ensure your safety. If moving is a possibility, I would consider that if I were you. However, I understand you are on a limited budget and you may not have that option.


Please keep us posted on how things are going for you.
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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 07:28 AM
  #28
WOW - just WOW. That is some serious craziness and crazy behavior. This man is very unstable and dangerous!

I can't say anything more that hasn't already been said.... I do encourage you to also call a local domestic violence center and get yourself a domestic violence advocate, if they have this in you city. An advocate can help guide you through the leaving process safely. I would also try and get a restraining order if you can through your local police.

I hope you are OK? You must be SO shaken up by all of that. It's most traumatizing.

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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 07:54 AM
  #29
Leave him.

He is dangerous both abusive and mentally unstable.
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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 08:26 AM
  #30
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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
((((((((SmilesGirl))))))))




With all of my heart, I urge you to follow through on never being with him again.

Your life could well depend on it.

In addition to a lawyer, you might find knowledgeable help and support from a feminist/women's resource center.

A lawyer will give you legal advice. But remember that blackmail is a crime. Letters from an angry ex-partner look un-credible. His career may on the line if his anger and the way he treats you becomes public, especially his efforts at blackmail.

Every harsh word he ever said to you, every single one, was abusive and untrue.



Have you been getting useful assistance from BetterHelp, which you mentioned previously? I think a good therapist could be really valuable for you right now.

Be sure to show/send your posts on this site to your lawyer. As well as any other writing/journaling, especially contemporaneous, that you may have.

I'm very sorry that you have to deal with this immense burden and pain while also carrying on as a medical student. Surround yourself with those who support you unconditionally, and never go near him again.
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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 08:33 AM
  #31
((((((((SmilesGirl))))))))

There is so much good advice from my fellow posters in this thread and I agree.

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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 09:13 AM
  #32
No money to him. Zero.

Never visit him again. Change your phone number. If he appears in your city, call the police, after the police report get a restraining order. Do not reply to messages or calls. Ghost him.
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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 10:51 AM
  #33
Do call a lawyer but also call a woman’s shelter to get specific advice on how to be safe and protect yourself. He is not only trying to cut you off from family and friends network he is trying to financially disabled you.

be strong you can do this.

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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 02:10 PM
  #34
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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post

I'm very sorry that you have to deal with this immense burden and pain while also carrying on as a medical student. Surround yourself with those who support you unconditionally, and never go near him again.
Thank you so much Bill3
It has been so heartbreaking and scary and honestly a huge waste of my time that should be spent, like my peers, actually learning Medicine.
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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 02:13 PM
  #35
Thank you very much SarahSweets. That is definitely good advice. I will look into that camera you suggested. And stay far, far away. I am speaking with a lawyer now. It’s difficult because we seem locked in a reputational “nuclear arms race” of sorts. I just want out! Just want to escape without antagonizing this man anymore.
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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 02:14 PM
  #36
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Get police and lawyers involved. ASAP. Don’t pay him any money. Unless you sign a promissory note that you’ll pay him, it’s all a gift and you owe him nothing. Change your phone number and lawyer up. Make a police report about him going into your Venmo snd sending himself money from your account

Focus on your safety. Please never ever see him again
Thank you
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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 02:19 PM
  #37
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Please take care and stand firm. You've done nothing wrong. Please check in with us as often as you can, just so that we know you're okay
Thank you so much, poshgirl

It has been such a rough experience. Yes, I am close with my parents. Honestly, they are a bit frustrated with me for continuing to date this man. They have been encouraging me to end it since I started med school but I was too in love, and naive, immature to recognize the signs. I was also scared to really take on the world alone. And I thought this man who loved me and had been through med school himself would be such a great help to my success in my career and personal life. Sad how everything has turned out. But my parents are very happy I’m talking to a lawyer and are very supportive I’m finally accepting that I need to leave.
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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 02:22 PM
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Wow. I am still in shock from your latest post. I am glad you were able to get yourself out of there safely.

I am particularly worried that he will come to your school/clinic or home and try to cause you problems. You have gotten some good advice here already about preventing that. I hope that you can get in touch with a support organization for victims of domestic abuse that will be help you to take additional steps to ensure your safety. If moving is a possibility, I would consider that if I were you. However, I understand you are on a limited budget and you may not have that option.


Please keep us posted on how things are going for you.
Thanks, Rechu
I’m not able to move but I was smart enough to not tell him my exact address anymore, after the email episode. I don’t tell him any details too specific about my current boss, medical preceptor, advisory Dean, friends, and location. He does know my school though, which is a problem.
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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 02:26 PM
  #39
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
WOW - just WOW. That is some serious craziness and crazy behavior. This man is very unstable and dangerous!

I can't say anything more that hasn't already been said.... I do encourage you to also call a local domestic violence center and get yourself a domestic violence advocate, if they have this in you city. An advocate can help guide you through the leaving process safely. I would also try and get a restraining order if you can through your local police.

I hope you are OK? You must be SO shaken up by all of that. It's most traumatizing.
Thanks Have Hope
Honestly, I think the psychological trauma is the worst part. Every time I think of myself sobbing uncontrollably in that restaurant on thanksgiving morning and him saying hurtful things to me (in public!), ordering tons of expensive food, then leaving and sticking me with a bill that I couldn’t afford, I just start crying all over again.
And kicking myself for planting myself in such a uniquely sad situation.

I have been calling the Domestic Violence hotline a lot over the past few days. They are always so nice and listen to me talk for an hour each time. It’s very helpful.
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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 03:05 PM
  #40
First, I found your last post (about thanksgiving) truly shocking, but as hard as it might be doing the work to get away from him, it’s great that you’ve started and have sought the level of support you need you don’t owe him a bean!
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