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SmilesGirl
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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 03:09 PM
  #41
Update:

Thanks again for all the advice and especially the kind emotional support ❤️

I was able to get a consultation with a lawyer in my area with years of experience working in Domestic Abuse cases. I told her my full story and she was definitely helpful. The situation is complicated and many of the arbitrary distinctions in the law don’t really help me here.

She said that I am not eligible for a protective order, only a peace order in my state because his behaviors qualify only as “harassment” and not “stalking”. For a Peace Order, I need to have physical proof, email or text message, within the last 30 days that a judge would deem significant harassment. He would be notified of the temporary peace order and would be able to appear in court with a lawyer to fight it and if granted the Peace Order would only last six months. Then he would be free to harass again.

Most of his abusive statements were made in person over the last month. I have screenshots, emails, texts, etc from the last few months and over the entire six years. But over the last month, he hasn’t texted or emailed anything that was “definitively” threatening. She is not sure if we would be successful in a request for a Peace Order. And she only suggests attempting it if we are certain we will get it because he will likely get very angry. She also worries that he could just wait it out and then blackmail me again in the future. She says she often sees abusers get enraged and become even more vindictive after peace/protective orders or threats of one. Another problem is that the problematic behaviors occurred in Massachusetts not my own state so I would probably need to get the protective order in that state for those behaviors to “count”. It would be tedious and expensive for me to travel to Boston to appear for the court dates. And I am not a resident of Massachusetts either.

She thinks that the best course of action may be for her, a lawyer, to send him a “cease and desist “ letter that might remind him of the gravity of the situation and get him to stop the harassment. She thinks that his career reputation will force him to cooperate, as he won’t want it to “get out” how he treats me. I am dubious that such a letter will have any effect other than to anger him and make him more aggressive. What if he uses his own lawyer to sue me? Then I would be struggling with large legal fees that I can’t afford ($384/hour) to fight him off. I told her that he wants the money back from various flights he bought. She agrees with me that this is a ridiculous request! She confirmed that any money spent on a relationship is a gift and he has no standing to ask for it back. She thinks we would win that legal case but it would be expensive and a huge waste of my time.

She said that, practically it might be best if I could just pay off the money he wanted to get out of this. I said I would if I had the money. Another problem is that he keeps changing the amount he expects me to repay!! First it was $2500, then he sent me a Venmo request for $3200, then it was $3750, and who knows what he thinks it should be now! This is such a paltry amount of money for him, he makes $15,000/month! So it’s just absurd. She agrees but thinks it would be easiest and fastest.

I suggested maybe we could write a promissory note/letter together with conditions that he stop harassing me and not email any schools, bosses, mentors, friends of mine and leave me alone forever, and I would pay him back this money over my years in residency. Then we could tell him this over a zoom meeting with all three of us. It’s such a small amount of money, in the grand scheme, for him to be threatening my career over. I think this makes the most sense. My lawyer was pretty unhappy about this. She says that helping me do this feels very unethical to her because he is entirely in the wrong here. I agree but the law isn’t written to really help people in my situation and without a protective order covering the next three years, I’m just scared.
I think this will be the best option but I’m taking some time to think about it. I think he will feel that he “won” and leave me alone.

She told me that she was going to give me this $384 hour long consultation for free after she heard my story. She also gave me the phone number of a local domestic violence coalition to call for more support. She also said that she doesn’t usually give relationship or divorce advice but, after hearing everything, she thinks this is an especially egregious case and that the relationship is so toxic and scary that I should never go back to his house and I should absolutely leave. His desire for a prenuptial agreement that prevented me from communicating with my parents was unbelievable. I said I agree and thanked her.

I have Talkspace through my health insurance and I pay out of pocket for BetterHelp as well because I really need to talk to a therapist each week. I have my first virtual video session with my Talkspace therapist tonight so hopefully that is helpful.

Thanks for reading and for all the support, friends ❤️
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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 03:20 PM
  #42
You need to put this in your lawyers hands. You cannot bribe him into treating you well, which is what your proposed agreement sounds like. You are still engaging with him - that is not good.

His threats to you are entirely bogus. Its like putting revenge pictures of you on the internet - its ridiculous. Why dont you see that?

The more you engage with him, the more questionable your own sanity and judgment appear. You are trying to bend facts to suit your imagination. That is not a good look for a doctor. Get out.

Let your lawyer handle it. Cease and desist - you and him.

Eta - you need your own letter detailing what actions YOU should stop doing.
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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 05:41 PM
  #43
This is not about the money for him - it's about power and control over you, which is what all abuse is really all about. Power and control over another. If it were me, I would prefer to go to court and contest the money owed back since you have a likelihood of winning that case. If you choose to pay him back over time, you are still tied to him in some way and are still forced to communicate with him for years to come. Though of course I understand your legitimate fears that he could attempt again to slander and harm you professionally. It's not an easy position to be in, that's for sure. I would definitely call the local domestic violence coalition for additional support and guidance. I have done that myself, and it has proven to be most helpful. I would listen to what your lawyer suggests: a cease and desist letter may just do the trick.

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Default Nov 30, 2021 at 06:24 PM
  #44
Paying him? For what? It doesn’t even make sense.

First of all it wasn’t a loan and second of all you cannot appease people like him. And why?

He is going to sue you? For what? I really don’t understand this. Is there more to the story?

Block him and cut all contacts and if he keeps bothering you, then get law enforcement and lawyers involved. You can’t really ask for restraining order if you intend to have zoom sessions with him and sending him letters. Cut him off and let the lawyer deal with it if he demands things. Cease and desist and move on.

He was a boyfriend. Not a husband. You have no kids and no property together. Prolonging contacts with him is unnecessary and he has no legal power here at all
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 08:51 AM
  #45
I don't think paying him any money is a good idea at all. That won't make him back off - AND as that lawyer said it was a gift. He is only doing this to manipulate you, knowing you are struggling financially.

Besides, what if he keep changing the amount? What if he keeps coming back for more? And more? This is blackmail and you have not even done anything 'wrong'. Don't give in to his manipulation. He has you on a string and will want to keep dangling you there.

And please, in the future, don't let anyone push you around like this... cutting you off from family, controlling and abusing you.
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 10:17 AM
  #46
Blackmail is a crime. Keep records of all of his threats and share them with your attorney.

You don't owe him any money. Don't pay him any.

Block him completely. If he nevertheless intrudes after that, tell your attorney and the police.

Hang in there! You are getting on course towards your freedom!
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 12:09 PM
  #47
Thanks so much everyone for the support and the feedback. Maybe my fear is making me paranoid and irrational. Medical school is stressful and busy enough. An email denouncing my negative qualities to my Dean would look soo unprofessional. I really hate the thought. I just really wish I could get a signed document that he will stop harassing me

I will call the Coalition today for further legal advice and experience. I’m sure they will confirm what my lawyer said.

That’s for certain! I will never get into this situation again. I’m going to stay single, finish school, and focus on building strong friendships for the time being. Then approach with a lot more caution and have higher standards for respect.
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 01:49 PM
  #48
An email announcing your negative qualities to the dean will just look like it came from the Middle Ages! From someone who thinks youre his property!

You cant win his game. You have to leave his game. You have to play your own game.
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 04:16 PM
  #49
Dean will not care about some boyfriend writing about your negative qualities. Who cares.

You assigned too much power to this guy over the course of your relationship and now it’s time to take it back. If you intend to become a doctor, it’s paramount that you work on independent thinking skills and decision making skills. You have to be able to make your own decisions and think for yourself. You allowed this dude to make decisions for you and think for you, but now it’s time to stop. Stay strong. Don’t try to outsmart this guy. Just move on from him. Leave him in the past
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Default Dec 02, 2021 at 04:24 PM
  #50
Quote:
This is such a paltry amount of money for him, he makes $15,000/month! So it’s just absurd.
I just want to re-emphasize what Have Hope said. He doesn't need or particularly care about the money. He wants to dominate and humiliate you.
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Default Dec 02, 2021 at 07:20 PM
  #51
Thanks everyone.
Yes, I know that you are right. I will speak to the lawyer again soon and take a day or two to get my head in the right place. I’m not crazy, just scared. But I’m ready to move on with my life and finally put this behind me. Thanks for being there to support
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