Med student really needs help deciding whether to continue relationship!! :(

Hello everyone!

I’m in a very difficult position right now. My boyfriend of six years wants to get married. I love him and our plans for our future life together but I’m having serious doubts based on some of our interactions, especially recently. We have been long distance for the last three years. I am still in medical school and living on student loans; he is almost ten years older, a full doctor already, and makes good money. We met when I was 22 and he was 31.
I love this man but over the last few years, there have been some serious red flags.

1. He hates my entire family for not paying for my education and supporting me through school, the way his family did. He doesn’t want our future kids to ever meet my parents! He even forced me to go through my Facebook account and delete some of the posts on my “Wall” that included my parents. So sad. He doesn’t want them at the wedding either. He wouldn’t let me visit my brother when we were in NYC for a Halloween weekend trip. And he doesn’t want me to go to my brothers’ future weddings. There was a very weird episode one time when I tried to cancel our weekend trip because my mother was in the hospital with COVID and was struggling with intubation. I wanted to spend the weekend with her because she could die. He gave me an ultimatum- either see my Mom or choose to visit him and keep the relationship. It was insane. This was nearly 5.5 years in! I chose to visit my mom and he threw this huge tantrum and made me visit him the next weekend. It was rough.

2. He is very controlling- he picks all the dinner spots, where we would live, even what cars we would drive and dog we would get. And he is demanding that I change my last name to his, Dr. HisName, even though I don’t want to, or our relationship is over. I am applying to the med school Match in about a year and I would have to apply only to Boston for us to stay together and finally be in the same city again. That’s understandable but he wants me to commute an hour to work and an hour back each day because he is unwilling to move at all so we can find a more equitable distance for us both.

3. He can be financially controlling and occasionally physically aggressive. He drives recklessly occasionally when he gets angry- stopping abruptly on the highway to threaten me to change my ”attitude”, getting into loud, cursing, finger-throwing fights with other drivers on the road. These leave me completely terrified!! And he won’t stop, even though I beg. Twice when we have argued, he yells at me until I cry. Sometimes he threatens to kick me out of his house so I would have to sleep on the street and “be more grateful” for him.
He has never hit me but he gets scary angry and I have no idea what to do. In a recent argument, he sent a defamatory email about me to my boss at a summer job and literally got me fired from the position! He refused to apologize and said it was my fault for canceling our weekend plans because I was too exhausted to travel and I ghosted him for a few hours until I could work up the courage to text and let him know I wouldn’t be coming. I was in shock for weeks and still haven’t fully recovered. My parents and siblings all hate him now. My friends try to be supportive but they don’t know what to say.
Why do I want to stay? Well, he can be very sweet and kind too. He loves to cook amazing meals for us and we have so much in common. We have some incredible memories together and have built a very special, loving home together with lots of nerdy quirks. We love to cook vegetarian meals together, read novels together and then go see the movies, run outside, learn new things and take classes together. He inspired me to go into Medicine and I have always admired him. He is a very, very accomplished doctor at Harvard Med and I really look up to him. He is the smartest, and most motivated person I have ever known.

And Ive spent nearly my entire adult life with this man. It’s very hard to imagine him not being in my life, giving me career and personal guidance and support. I love him and I love our plans for our cute New England home together and our little nerdy family. It’s so difficult to consider leaving but I, honestly, don’t feel entirely safe in our home situation. I feel that I am just one fight away from being kicked out of the house or deeply humiliated. He has even threatened to blackmail me for every dollar he spent on our relationship if I decide to end it. He has sent me Venmo requests for thousands of dollars in the past just to scare me. And I think he is keeping tabs on how much money he spends on anything. To be fair, he really does spend a lot of money and time making sure we have a fun weekend together every time I visit. He has been paying for all the flights this year because I am in school. I have been visiting him once a month. Last year I did a research year and I paid for half of the flights and visited him every two weeks. Visiting so much cost me about $5,500 and really held me back from meeting new people and succeeding at my own school endeavors. It was a four hour metro and plane flight each way! He didn’t really seem to appreciate that.

All of our mutual friends love him and he gets amazing reviews at work so I don’t know what it is about me that gets him so angry sometimes. I feel like I can never stand up to him and he will sink to any level to win a fight. One time, when we got in an argument, he demanded that I drive up to Boston to see him that night or the relationship was over. It was a Tuesday and I was studying for Step 1 during my dedicated time. It was rough and I felt humiliated but I did it.

I love this man so much but I don’t entirely trust him anymore. He has even made jokes about his email- “so how’s that PI doing? You guys keep in touch anymore?” That are humiliating and degrading.
He is determined that we get married before I graduate med school and wants to merge finances indefinitely. I am not opposed to that in theory but it does make me wonder if he is aiming to control my entire future salary without giving me fair say in how the money is spent. Not sure if I am paranoid there. Again, I love this man very much and wonder if our cultural differences (his conservative Indian culture) is clashing with my modern divorced family. His mother does not work and spends all day at home cooking for his Dad. He is an only child.
Also, I do use BetterHelp. It’s helpful but I need more support and to hear more experiences!

Tl;dr: so what should I do?

Do not blame yourself. It isn't about you. It is about his pathological need for total control.

Do your mutual friends know the truth about how he treats you? If not, what would they say if they knew?

I think you have been given quite an accurate taste of what life will be like if you marry him. Is the way he treats you what you want? He isn't going to change. In fact, usually an abuser gets worse after marriage.

There are very many red flags surrounding him, dangerous ones, which you are aware of, they are why you came here.

Your children will not be allowed to meet their grandparents ever because he doesn't approve of how your education is being financed? Seriously?

You asked what you should do.

If you were my daughter I would want you to listen to that internal voice that tells you to fear him.

I would want you to break up with him at once and totally block him and avoid Boston for your residency.

And I would want you to call the Police if he came anywhere near you after you blocked him.

First finish school and do your internship. Don’t give up on your plans.

Red Flags everywhere, listen to your gut which seems to be saying no. Cutting you off from family is a big huge red flag.

I would break it off.
Your suspicions about what he plans for the future are spot on - listen to your gut, here. Also, tell people you trust what’s happening and get support from people who aren’t him if you can. The reason he’s pushing to get married quickly and merge finances are to make and keep you dependent on him.
Children would tie you to him forever, even if you did manage to get divorced, and they would be used as pawns by him to keep you under his control, or at the very least, punish you for perceived infractions. This sounds extreme, I know, but it’s actually common behaviour with controlling people.

Ouch. Abuse always escalates so it will get worse. Do you want your kids raised in this environment? Please think very hard and make a wise choice. The guy is dangerous

Hi Bill. Thank you so much for taking the time to write me such a long response. I really appreciate it. You bring up a lot of valid points. I have been in denial for so long but I don’t think I can stay in that place much longer. Your words echo those of my own parents and it is useful to hear them again from another source. Thank you for caring enough to respond.
Be well!

That is true. Thank you for your advice

That is what I fear. Thank you for taking the time to respond

Thank you for the advice

OMG. This guy is super dangerous. Classic overcontrolling and manipulative narcissist. You're probably an empath and he needs you like a drug. You have to be super careful as your life is literally in danger either way you stay or leave. Carefull planing in small steps. Let your family and friends know what is going on. Contact someone with experience in psychological/physical abuse. It's both in your case. You're a victim and i feel sorry about you. Please don't ignore red flags. As soon as he marries you, the monster will truly emerge.

Sadly, a lot of high powered doctors are ruthless narcissists. Those are the type of people who get to the top of the piramid. Look at the politicians, lol.

Please don't marry this man. A healthy and loving relationship doesn't have what you described about him. What you described is abuse and it will only get worse. My gut is reacting for you. I see the flags too. Please don't marry him.


I agree with NoDD that you are in danger whether you stay or leave. I really hope you leave but this is my advice to you on leaving him: come up with a plan to cope before you leave because he will try to harm you when you leave. Whether this is emotionally, psychologically, career-wise, physically, all of the above, we don't know. We do know he is dangerous. Please tell your friends and family what is going on, please seek help in the form of therapy or with an abused woman's shelter / hotline (they may be able to give you legal advice and support too), please don't move to Boston, and I agree with the other poster who said to block him everywhere when you break up, and if he over-steps that boundary, call the police and get a restraining order. This doctor is abusing you in major ways and causing you harm. Doesn't matter that he's a doctor, lawyer, the president, the king of some amazing country. He is dangerous and you are in danger with him. Somewhere in this plan, I'd put a long list of healthy ways to practice self care. Its important to keep yourself safe too.


I also want to address the reasons you gave for staying with him. I'd really like to use a better sentence than the one I'm about to use but I can't think of a better one right now, so forgive me for my bluntness: these are not good reasons for staying with someone who is abusing you. Someone who is malicious enough to get you fired. Someone so controlling he won't let you see your Mom who might die. If he were a good, kind, person (all the time), and didn't abuse you, I might have a different perspective.


The right person for you, will not harm you in any of the ways you stated above. The right person for you will not attempt to make your life a living Hell if you break up with him. This man is not right. I agree with the poster who said he is likely a malignant narcissist. Something is more than off. Something is wrong. I am so sorry you are going through this.

SmilesGirl

I can't really add any more than what others have said.

You are in danger. Please seek help from a trusted friend or relative and professional assistance.

He sounds like a Svengali character and it won't end well unless you break away. Please, take care

Is he your partner or your jailer? Controlling, abusive, aggressive, domineering.. IF this is how he treats you when you are not even married, I can’t even imagine how much his behaviour could escalate e.g. domestic abuse, physical abuse.

Major red flags here.

Why would you even want to be in a relationship with a man like that? And what if you have kids, would he brutalise them because he can do anything he wants, knowing you will stay.

Being in love with someone does not give them permission to abuse you and/or any future children. Staying with him, letting him get away with any- and everything, is only further enabling him to continue such manipulation and abuse.

I echo everyone's words and suggestions here. Please reconsider your relationship. This man is abusive and people are correct - it will only get worse when you're married.

Do not tie yourself legally to this asshole....

Thank you, Rive. I really appreciate the thoughtful response,

Thank you, poshgirl.

Dear Woven Galaxy,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and considered response. This is the advice I was really searching for when I made my post. I keep rereading it and it gives me strength as I decide how to proceed. And make a safe plan. It’s helpful to hear that my reasons for staying are not so unique and should not be weighed so heavily in the decision.
Thank you.

Thank you for the advice NoDD 🥰

@SmilesGirl, the thing is, this man is causing HARM to you, your family relationships and your life. He separated you from your family, he has gotten you fired, he has threatened to blackmail you, and he is very controlling of you. When someone causes you harm, you have to let them go. There has to be limits and lines drawn around what you will accept and not accept. And what he has been doing to you is unacceptable behavior in a loving, stable and healthy relationship. This relationship is extremely toxic and unhealthy. Statistically speaking, abuse only worsens and escalates over time, especially after marriage. Once they know they "have" you more fully, abusers become far more controlling and abusive. And physical abuse is always preceded by emotional and verbal abuse. This man has yelled at you as well - to the point of tears. That is unacceptable behavior.

I know you say you love him very much and that you cannot imagine life without him, but how much more damage will you allow him to do to you before you've reached your limit? You have to realize and understand that you are being severely abused. You have to try and remove your love for him from the equation for a minute and look at him far more objectively. Is this behavior you would allow for your sister, daughter or best girlfriend? What would you say to any of them if you saw someone you loved being treated the same way?

When you are inwardly afraid of your partner's anger and of what he may do when he's angry, it should be a signal to you and a sign that something is drastically WRONG. And there is something drastically wrong.

Marriage is an investment in someone and an investment in your future with that person - and you have to not only love the person, but you have to feel safe, secure and stable with them too.

So, bottom line: I would secretly make a plan to leave and whatever you do, do NOT let him know. Get the support of your friends and family, call a women's abuse hotline to obtain support and advice on how to safely leave him. Start making an exit plan now. Whatever you do, don't move to Boston to be near him. Stay where you are. And get a support system around you so that you can find the courage and strength to leave him. It WILL take strength and fortitude - but your sense of safety and self respect must come first. This man will drag you through absolute HELL otherwise if you do not leave him now. Think about it - is that TRULY the kind of future you want for yourself? Because that's what you're in for with this most abusive man.

PLEASE reconsider and start making exit plans.