Losing compassion

The larger the step back you can take, the easier it is to see it all for what it really is. 20 years is a very long time, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer for another 20 with him in your life.

The bolded statement is my comment to Im2lucky about what he shared in his response to me. He said: “I spend all my time working at undoing damage caused when in mania episodes.”
So I was commenting about Im2lucky, not about my husband.

He recently was inpatient twice and then had a medication change. Yes he’s been on meds all along. The last three-four years. He just finished IOP and continues with individual counseling and psychiatrist/labs..

@Cardooney, one thing to realize as you are taking a step back -- you have taken on ALL of his problems and behaviors as your own problems to solve and fix, as though there is no separation between the two of you, as there should be within a healthy relationship dynamic. Within a healthy relationship dynamic, each person is 100% responsible for their own happiness, personal well being, health, and life. But in your relationship, that does not exist. He is the child and you are the caretaker/mother helping him.

You've got to realize and know how unhealthy that is - it's a part of being codependent - have you heard of codependency before? It means sacrificing yourself, your mental health and well being to save and fix another person's problems. It's basically total enmeshment in the other person, which is not healthy.

But when you continue to play into the toxic dance that toxic people create, and when you continue to participate in the drama, you yourself become unhealthy. Both people are then enmeshed in the toxic dance and drama - constantly.

To be healthy is to separate yourself from him and to see him as an adult who needs to take care of his own problems himself. Sure, you can be a cheerleader and a support person, but they are not your problems to fix, or even to tolerate.

No. You are your little girl's mother. Your husband on the other hand is a grown adult who makes his own choices and decisions.

As such, your daughter ought to be your number one priority i.e. how to keep her safe, happy and emotionally safe from being scarred.

Ah alright.

What's the psychiatrist's opinion, do the meds work for the mania enough?

I agree with those that are saying that your first priority needs to be your kids. Kids #1. Husband is only #2.

It's totally possible to do a temporary separation without doing more harm, get help for how to execute it.

It would have the advantages of:

- Keeping your kids safe.
- Less stress/less damage to yourself now and long term.
- Less stress/less damage to your husband long term.

My daughter is my #1. Divorce had been the last thing she wanted before, but she is feeling differently now. It’s confusing because she and him were out there jamming out and dancing to a song, and now watching a show together. He laughs uproariously. She gets him to take her to the store for what she wants pretty much anytime she wants and they went this morning while I was still asleep. I guess she is acting in a way. Like the other night she was chatting at him cheerfully across the room, and then turns to me close by and asked “we’d get to keep the dogs right?”

It feels like we’ve been separated a long time already, but still in the same place otherwise.

We have counseling tomorrow. I feel like he is trying to be nicer today because of that.

I completely exhausted myself last night, unable to sleep, turning things over in my head. I was thinking about the many times and ways he disrespects me. All it takes is his smile in my direction and it’s like I just move on. Like I’m conditioned.

He’s posting several embarrassing videos of him getting high on social media . That’s why I don’t look at what he does on there usually, because I cringe and if he knows i don’t care for his videos he gets defensive.

I thought a lot about how my dads life affected mine. Unfortunately it didn’t get any better for me after my parents divorced. I worry a bit about what it would be like if she’s at his place in the future, but I guess I shouldn’t worry about that at this point. It’s weighed on my mind a lot in the past when considering separation though.

I don’t understand how I feel. It used to feel scary thinking about separation; now it’s more like I can’t believe it would be happening.

Hmm OK so it's a lot more like, just drama than what it sounded like before. That's what it seems from my outsider perspective.

Please ignore the drama and focus on yourself for a nice while!

Sounds like you are slowly getting used to the thought of separation. That's totally OK.


(From earlier posts I've read)

I mean. Psychology alone will not fix this situation.

As for the bolded. It's OK to drop compassion for a while. No one feels compassion constantly. It's OK to drop that. And he's not simply "having such difficulty controlling behaviour". He just doesn't want to, because it would be inhumane effort, and you shouldn't subject yourself to inhumane efforts like this either, it's only burning you out.

And I will quote this separately as it's very important. This is a Catch-22: "I don’t know how we would separate exactly because we don’t have money to support two households until things improve (hopefully they will)"

They will not improve. Hence Catch-22 in this reasoning.

He can support himself on his new job, or he can go on disability or something, don't worry about his financial situation. He will get himself together or will find professional help if he's forced to. He's not going to die without you.

So there'll be enough money to do two households alright. It won't be your responsibility how he will earn a living for himself. You do have the right to separate or even divorce if things do not work for YOU.

***

I think this was my last post here because I don't want to be overdoing giving advice, just pick up from it whatever resonates with you and I just wish you the best luck!

All good points. Thank you for your time and help to me.

Im feeling quite sad. Our relationship is very strained at this point. He skipped counseling last week, and I had it by myself. The counselor talked with me for 2 hours. I expressed my frustrations to her. She said to make a list of things that I require to stay in the relationship. I got pretty frustrated that he got his first paycheck and spent almost 20% of it on weed. I gave him a hard time about it, well I pointed it out is all. I had recently told him that we’d need to split bills and have separate banks accounts because he was taking more than fair share of the money. He said I was being mean. I said he needed to get serious about his addiction, face it. He said these things are not my decision to make. I told him that I was at the point of needing to give an ultimatum about things. That he just ignores what I say and that I can’t keep being okay with that. That he just insults me I call out things. He said to tell him in black or white what I require. I told him if he can’t use in moderation then he needs to quit, and he needs to reach out for more help for underlying issues. he said a day later or so that he would spend less on weed, however he just had bought a lot, so easy to say then. He spent some time doing family stuff with me and daughter, which I appreciated. But I realized that I’m still enabling his behavior because he didn’t commit to anything he will do differently, just said he’ll spend less which technically could mean $5 less. He was also ignoring problems saying there is no problem and at the same time complaining about the effects he is feeling from the problem. He questions why I care about these things. I was cooking dinner and he came by looking at me, and I guess he found me to have a facial expression so he said in a mocking voice that I’m “disappointed by him every day,” and then he walked off scoffing and said “gross.” I told him that was lame how he just put words in my mouth and then calls me gross. He started saying what he thinks I’m doing, and I start saying what I think he’s doing. He says how I sure seem to think about him a lot and it’s pathetic. I said now you’re calling me pathetic? I said perhaps it is pathetic how much I think and care about him when he clearly doesn’t think the same about me.
A bit later I told him it’s the straw that broke the camels back for me, and I can’t ignore how he says “gross” and “pathetic “ talking about me and these are deal breakers for a relationship and relationships can’t last under those conditions and talking that way to me is a deal breaker. I told him that I had repeatedly been communicating to him that there is an issue, and that he is basically sticking his fingers in his ears and staying very stubborn. I was very calm and matter of fact. He was watching tv and told me I needed to settle down. I told him I was settled down and he needs to open his ears. He became agitated and he left for awhile. Got pie. Smoked a lot and didn’t talk to me. Made himself a bed on the couch.
I feel like I had to address these things in the way I did, although I feel sad that I basically said I’m done and I feel very uncomfortable that I’ve done something wrong. I made clear that my point was not to hurt him.
Because he doesn’t really listen to me, and he steers things in different directions, I feel like my message gets twisted by him and lost on him. He says I’m unreasonable and that I just have fears about money that cloud me. I don’t take his bait lately.
He does say bad things to me. It’s not made up in my head. He says I make things up and lie. I don’t. He says problems only exist because I talk about them, and if I wasn’t bringing things up to him there would be no problem. He is happy when he is drawing pictures and smoking weed.
I feel like a jerk confronting someone who has issues like he does. He obviously believes he would be less well if he isnt doped up all the time. We were doing a family walk downtown today and before we left he got very blasted smoking to the point he looked intoxicated and sounded intoxicated. And then he was going to be the driver ?? I just walked past him to the driver side. He was so high during the outing that it feels really abnormal. Our kid can see how intoxicated he is, and it’s a shame he can never do anything sober. Our kid says it’s disturbing to her that she’s never seen him sober that she recalls.
I have to be okay with what happens now. I have loved him a long time and still do. I feel like he has been in a very bad spot mentally and emotionally for years. I’ve tried to be there for him, I have been. But he ignores my pleas. He ignores my concerns.

Hey @Cardooney: Im direct and blunt so please dont think I want to hurt your feelings:

Kick him out. I hate to say it but technically with the active addiction and fighting it could be seen as abusive behavior with your daughter (although how old is she?) If she is a minor it could be. If you ask him to leave and it gets heated, scary or violent call the cops. You can get a temp restraining order or they will just have him stay away for the night. You do not have to pack your stuff and leave. He should. I think you are well past the point of ultimatums. He simply does not care about managing himself why should he care about you? Speaking as an alcoholic who has been sober 9 years, when in active addiction the addict is 100 percent selfish and the only goal is whatever behaviors or substances they want. They do not care about anything else. Not you. not their kids. Only themselves. I am Bipolar II and that did not give me an excuse to keep drinking. I had some years where I was not good with my meds- and I have had to take ownership and apologize for some embarrassing behaviors even though they were related to my illness. You have to put that daughter first and that means removing the toxic person contributing to her anxiety and fears. It wont be easy but your husband has had no consequences for his actions.

Thank you.

Daughter is 13. She and I have been talking a lot about the state of things lately. Since she has been going to counseling, it seems she is much more open to talking to me about how she is affected by her dad’s mental illness, and how she is affected by her parents fighting, and other things she deals with regarding her owns feelings and behaviors.

I try not to fight with him, addressing his ongoing behaviors can quickly lead to disagreements and bickering. yesterday I vocalized to her that my continued financial and emotional stress and concern for how my children are affected has built up such a uncomfortable level of resentment in me, which influences my behavior. I engage in ridiculous arguments with him sometimes, and she has to hear it sometimes. I apologized to her for subjecting her to useless bickering and promised not to participate in fights.

She just wants it to be over and is researching apartments or a new home for us everyday now.

Im letting it sink in that repeatedly addressing the same behaviors is futile and crazy making. After a lot of talk from me, he asked if I would accept him smoking $50 of weed each week. I said I think that’s too much but obviously less than what he has been doing. He even made a comment how if we did split bank accounts then he could potentially spend more than 50 sometimes as he saw fit and he acted giddy and pleased at that idea.
Earlier that day he told our daughter that since fed law against weed will go away and prices will then go down, he will be able to get more weed for the money. She was very disturbed by this which is what prompted me to repeat my ultimatum about smoking and telling him how destructive he is being to our family and it can’t continue. Hence his 50 dollar a week offer.

I saw he was researching methods yesterday—I don’t remember how to do the trigger warning so I’ll leave it at that. I asked him about it. He said he was upset for 20 mins and he moved past it and it’s of no concern, yet that behavior is in his “red zone” and he had when inpatient determined red zone equals going inpatient. I had upset him (not about weed) so that’s why he was researching. He said I criticize him all the time and that’s why he’s upset. I said if being around me causes him to be red zone, then perhaps it’s not ideal to be around me since it’s not worth his life. And that I don’t want him doing something drastic to spite me. He said no that it’s fine and it was just an impulsive thing that passed.

Lately a few times our daughter has scolded him I guess you could say about things he does that affect her. It might last a minute at the most. It seems he will or does blame me for her doing this. He blamed me for our counselor reacting to him not having his own therapy for a month. She said oh no why so long? That session was three weeks ago but he just brought it up to me, saying that she only had that reaction because of me. So I feel like he thinks I am influencing people against him?

I worked all week under great stress, getting more exhausted each day until Friday I burst into tears and had to close my office door for five minutes so no one would see me.

My mind is starting to get more clear about all this but of course im still fighting off the fantasy that these relationships can improve in place.

I feel like I’ve been living a week’s worth of stress each day. I’m starting to savor every peaceful moment I have. I read a sign “nothing can change if you change nothing,” which is obvious yet hard to do. I have been making changes, big changes actually, or more like small changes that make a big difference.
Feels good.